


You Know I'd Do Anything For You

by HeavenlyDisaster



Series: Mad for Each Other [1]
Category: DC Cinematic Universe, DCEU, DCU, DCU (Comics), Gilmore Girls, Suicide Squad (2016)
Genre: Domestic Fluff, F/M, Post Fight Coitus, Road Head, Shower times, Thoughts of Suicide, a concerning use of quotes, a firm grasp on the differences between the(y're/ir/re), an entire conversation comprised of manly grunts and growls, an inconsistent story line with a hazy plot, flirtations, my own desperate attempts at humor, really just a lot of violence, sex scenes written by a virgin, sexting before a fist fight, terrorizing the people working in the service industry, the occasional slip-up in writing the wrong the(y're/ir/re), the word ooze, third person omniscient
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-02-18
Updated: 2018-03-22
Packaged: 2018-09-25 07:11:03
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 42
Words: 93,572
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9808682
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/HeavenlyDisaster/pseuds/HeavenlyDisaster
Summary: Joker and Harley are finally reunited after her stay in Belle Reve and they try to return to life the way it was before.  The more they ignore the glaring problems facing them post-Suicide Squad, the more crippling they become.





	1. Monthly Mob Meetings

Chapter 1

Seven men sat around a large mahogany table in a dark room with no windows.  The walls were a deep blood red adorned with a variety of paintings in golden frames.  Each painting depicted a unique and violent scene.  Golden sconces scattered along the walls were the only sources of light in the dim room.  Aside from the seven men at the table, there were five more that lined the room.  Two doors led out of the room, one was positioned in the far corner and one of the men stood guard in front of it.  The other door was directly behind the head of the table and another man stood guard beside it.  Two guards paced the length of the table slowly, assault rifles in their hands ready for anything.  The final guard stood at the left of the man at the head of the table, listening and awaiting instruction.

The men at the table were all in suits except one.  The suits were simple and black with green undershirts and purple ties, symbols of loyalty and respect for their boss.  

The two farthest away from the boss were brothers, Adam and Nick.  They each worked in acquisitions, counterfeit, and fencing.  They were adequate in looks, one with sandy blonde hair and the other with brown and each with slim faces and hazel eyes.  

On the middle left was Simon, he specialized in narcotics.  He could make, distribute, and sell just about anything.  Simon was also the largest man at the table and second only to the guard at the boss's left.  He had wide shoulders and a low brow.  He wouldn't be considered conventionally attractive, but he had a subtle charm.  

Across from Simon was Edgar, in charge of maintaining the boss's businesses and properties.  He was a small, balding man with the confidence and slimy personality of an eel.  

Beside Edgar was Burt.  Burt was in charge of the East Docks and could smuggle anything in or out of the city that was needed.  Burt was girthy and gritty and despite the suit, he looked like he could be homeless.  

Across from Burt was Dougie, a renaissance guy of sorts.  Dougie had a knack for memorizing facts, statistics, procedures, anything the boss needed to help his plans.  

At the head of the table sat the boss, lime green hair and inhumanly white skin contrasting and complimenting each other.  Joker wore a burgundy button-up shirt with the sleeves rolled up to expose his forearms and shoulder holsters displaying his twin glocks.  His shirt was partially unbuttoned exposing some of his many tattoos.  HAHAHAHA drifted over his left pec and disappeared under his shirt while the tip of a jester's hat could be seen peeking out on his right side.  The tattoos on his face were simple, DAMAGED written in an elegant scrawl was branded across his forehead just below his hairline.  A 'J' was tattooed below his left eye and a star sat on his right temple where his eyebrow might have ended if he had had any eyebrows.  The most jarring thing about the joker, however, were the metal teeth that flashed between a pair of garrishly painted red lips.

The meeting had been going on for about fifteen minutes and the Joker was ready to blow his brains out from boredom.  He yawned and looked around the table.  As far as he was concerned, everybody at the table was expendable.  Hell, everybody in the room was expendable.  

"Burt," Joker said, reminding himself that his empire required a bit a tedium in order to flourish, "how are things down by the bay?"  Burt looked nervous and tried to give his best smile, failing miserably.

"Well, we lost a few of our shipments last month 'cause o' the Bat.  I been workin' everybody overtime to make up for the losses and our numbers ain't so bad.  I even had a bunch o' my men start trainin' in hand to hand combat and stuff so's we would be better prepared next time."  Joker sighed and massaged his temple with his fingers.

"That damn Bat is always trying to mess with my things," Joker lamented, "you know he cost me my Lamborghini."  He sighed, "I loved that car."  There was a long moment of silence as the Joker reminisced on his lost sports car.  Finally, he shook his head, "Where were we?"  He looked at Edgar.  "Ed, how's business?  People still paying on time?" 

"Yeah, they're payin'.  And the clubs are rakin' it in, too."  Edgar grinned confidently, but the Joker had already moved on.  He smiled at Simon and opened his mouth to speak when a shriek echoed through the door behind Joker followed by a loud crash.  The men around the table froze and looked at the door as though waiting for it to turn into a mouth and swallow them up.

"Simon," Joker continued unfazed, "how's the drug business?"  Another shriek and crash followed by another door opening and slamming shut.  Without taking his eyes from Simon, Joker motioned for Frost to check it out.  Frost quietly slipped through the door behind Joker making sure that none of the underbosses got a glimpse beyond.  Meanwhile, Joker was becoming impatient.  "Well?" He snapped, "Drugs?  Did everybody suddenly decide to go to rehab?"

"Sorry, sir," Simon sputtered, "drugs are still sellin' like hotcakes.  I got dealers on every corner and in every club."  Joker smiled again and leaned back in his chair.

"Good.  I don't like my time being wasted.  Next time I might not be so forgiving."  Joker shook his finger at Simon sternly.  Simon nodded, but wouldn't meet Joker's eyes.  Joker turned to Adam and Nick when Frost walked back in.  He sported a fresh bruise over his left eye and a large bump was forming on his forehead.  He cast a furtive glance at the underbosses and knelt beside the Joker's chair.

"She took out the guys in the den, when I got in there she clocked me with her mallet and bolted."  Joker gritted his teeth and his hands curled into fists.  The Joker stood up and pushed his chair back causing the six men at the table to jump in alarm.  Joker composed himself and addressed the table.

"I apologize for this inconvenience, boys, but something has just come up.  I expect any irregularities or issues to be reported to me immediately and look forward to our next meeting.  For now, you know the old adage, 'you don't have to go home, but you can't stay here.'"  The six men stared silently, anticipating a punchline or worse.  Joker growled in frustration.  "What's the matter with you people?  Do I need to start shooting?"  The men leapt up from their seats like they'd been lit on fire and scurried out the second door.

As they left, they passed the den and saw several men in various stages of consciousness.  In the corner, a 65" 4k television sat destroyed.  Shards of glass and shattered plastic littered the floor.  Thoroughly terrified, the men bolted from the building and back to their respective hangouts as quickly as they could.


	2. Making Enemies

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Joker tracks down Harley who disappeared.

Chapter 2

"She was mumbling something about fascism and Hollywood.  I'm not entirely sure what she meant."  Frost explained as Joker moved about the bedroom grabbing his favorite purple coat and stuffing the pockets with spare mags.  

A laptop and the television lie in puddles of broken glass and wiring.  Joker gritted his teeth as he stared at the pink and blue phone lying on the coffee table.  

"So she thinks she's going on a roadtrip without me?"  He stormed from the room with Frost trailing behind.  He paused and took in the scene in the den.  A few men were groaning and treating their wounds.  Joker scowled at them.  "Pathetic."

The pair took the elevator to the underground garage and selected a nondescript tan sedan before pulling out of the garage and into the tunnel that ran under Gotham Bay and opened into the East Docks.  The tunnel was a private entrance reserved for the owner of Amusement Mile and known to few.  The main bridge had been destroyed years before courtesy of the Joker himself.  That was the first time Batman had captured Joker and threw him in Arkham.  It was also when he had met Doctor Harleen Quinzel.  One hundred and thirteen people had lost their lives in the explosion, a fact that made Joker cackle to this day.  Of course, more people would have died if Batman hadn't disarmed the second bomb Joker had placed on the Gotham City Metro and timed to go off in the heart of downtown.  

As the car emerged from the tunnel, Joker squinted hard against the sudden light.  He had forgotten how early it was, barely even two o'clock in the afternoon.  A rare sunny day in Gotham, Joker wondered if the weather had forgotten that this was a place of destitution and crime.  

"She can't have gotten far."  Frost said as he rounded a corner in the Narrows.  Joker growled as Frost slowed to a stop.  One of Joker's green convertibles was crashed through the window of Jay & Sons Electronics.  Joker got out of the car and pushed his way through the throng of people stopped to examine the damage.  The gasped at the sight of him, some running away and others freezing in shock.  Joker stepped through the hole and examined the store.  It was empty, but somebody had taken care to demolish every electronic device that happened to survive the initial crash.  Joker wove his way through the debris to the back room and took the stairs to the apartment above.

The door was held on by only the bottom hinge and even that seemed to be on the verge of letting go.  Joker stepped inside the small apartment and observed the wreckage.  The large television in the living room was smashed to bits and the couch was flipped up against one of the walls.  A family of three sat huddled behind it, tears streaming down their faces silently as they desperately awaited their fates.  Frost stumbled through the door, gun in hand as he assessed the situation.  They both turned their heads at the sounds of glass breaking and loud grunting.  Joker followed the noise into one of the back bedrooms.  The door stood open and Joker stepped inside.

Harley wielded her favorite bat, swinging it high over her head before bringing it down on the remains of a television.  Joker's upper lip curled back in a snarl as he took in her outfit.  She wore matching see-through lace bra and panties in red and blue with a sheer teddy draped over it concealing nothing.  She had six-inch stilettos on her feet and her hair was a crazed mess, the blue and pink dyed tips tangled together.  The thought of other people seeing her wearing practically nothing made Joker's blood boil.  

"What," he growled, "do you think you're doing?"  Harley froze, her bat above her head ready to distribute another blow on the already useless television.   _Great,_ Joker thought,  _now she's going to give me one of her sheepish smiles and come running into my arms.  I can punish her thoroughly when we get back home._  Harley turned her head to look at him, a frown marring her beautiful face.  She looked back at her handiwork and slammed her bat down again.  Joker frowned.  This was unusual behavior even for her.

"You wouldn't understand, Puddin'." Harley said as she swung the bat up for another blow.  Joker snarled and grabbed her wrist before she could bring the bat down and snatched it from her hands.  Harley wouldn't look at Joker, instead focusing on the destruction.

"I don't understand most of the bat shit crazy garbage that spews outta your mouth.  It's never made you shut up before."  Joker sighed and released her wrist instead grabbing her chin surprisingly gently for how angry he was.  Harley finally met Joker's eyes with a pout.  Joker brushed the back of his free hand across her cheek and let it rest on the side of her neck.  "Well?"  he asked.  Harley sighed, the whisper of affection doing the trick.

"Well, Puddin', ya know how you have all those meetin's and stuff that you don't want me at?  Well I had ta figure out ways ta occupy myself."  Harley's frown deepened and her eyes unfocused.  Joker waited and when she didn't respond he snapped his fingers in front of her face.  Harley blinked at him as though confused to see him standing there.

"Yes, yes and all this," he gestured at the television, "is how you decided to occupy yourself, then?"  Harley looked around in confusion.  Her eyes finally landed on the shattered television at her feet and clarity came.

"Oh.  No." She shook her head with a small smile. "Netflix was how I was occupyin' myself.  I got caught on one show in particular.  I would watch one or two shows whiles you were busy and then today I ran outta episodes.  Of course I decided to check the internet to see when I could expect them to add new ones.  I'm not the most patient of people, but what can ya do?" Harley explained with a shrug.  "But then I found out that they'd gone and CANCELED IT!" Harley's upper lip pulled back and she kicked a stilettoed foot at the television remnants.

Joker said nothing, but grabbed Harley's wrist and dragged her out of the bedroom and down the hall to where Frost was keeping a watchful eye on the three witnesses.  Harley stumbled along willingly, the fight beginning to drain out of her.  But Joker knew it was temporary.  Something small could push her back over the edge.  As they emerged, Joker noticed Frost's eyes take in the nearly nude Harley before quickly averting his gaze.  Joker snarled and yanked his coat from his back and draped it over Harley's slim shoulders.  She immediately pushed her arms through the too big sleeves and pushed them up until she could use her hands.  Joker handed her bat back to her and turned to assess the witnesses.

The three were a matching set; olive skin, brown eyes, black hair.  The father had a smattering of facial hair over his round face and the mother had a sparse amount of make-up on her eyes and lips.  The boy was tucked between them.  He looked to be about ten with floppy brown hair almost reaching his eyes.  Tears streamed down his face and despite the obvious terror, Joker noted a look of determination in his eyes.

"Please," the father begged, "please don't kill us!"  Joker smiled, a wide, toothy smile void of humor.

"Maybe I would have been inclined to spare your feeble lives, but we're on Dent's territory and I  _despise_ that that guy."  In one smooth move, Joker pulled one of his guns from his holster and put a bullet between the man's eyes.  Beside him, the woman screamed and Joker pretended her wide mouth was a target and shot a hole out the back of her mouth.  Harley wrinkled her nose and flapped Joker's coat sleeves wildly in front of her face.

"Gross." She whined. "I think the kid pissed himself!" Joker cackled and reached down to yank the boy up by his hair.  The boy whimpered pathetically and struggled to cover the large wet spot on his pants.  After a few seconds, he gave up and hugged himself.  Joker's pale face was inches from the kid's.  His wide smile stretched across his face.

"Do you hate me, kid?" Joker asked, a hint of amusement tinting his words.  The kid's eyes widened with fear and his body trembled slightly.  He shook his head slightly, the movement causing Joker to rip some of the hair from his head.  Joker sighed as a trickle of blood dripped down the kid's face.  "C'mon now.  Be honest.  Did you not see me just kill both of your parents right in front of you?  My crazy babydoll here smashed up your family's store and wrecked your apartment in less than an hour.  This kind of devastation doesn't just disappear over night, ya know.  This kind of grief should be enough to drive even the most sane and logical person into a lifelong vendetta."  The kid's face was twisted with rage and terror as he stared Joker in the eyes.  "So," joker continued, "I'll ask again, but this time be honest.  Do you hate me?"

 "Yes." The kid spat, "I hate you.  I  _hate_ you.  I HATE YOU SO MUCH I WANNA KILL YOU!"  The kid was crying as he screamed at Joker.  Harley giggled behind them at the confession and Joker's wide grin grew impossibly wider.

"Be careful, now." Joker chastised, "Vengeance is a double-edged sword.  Just look at Batman, would ya?  Sure he gets to fight baddies like me, but he doesn't have a friend in the world.  You think he doesn't have some pathetic sob story like yours?  Remember this when you're thinking about getting revenge, kid, as absorbed in justice and vengeance as the Bat is... he didn't even try to save your parents."  Joker cackled again and shoved the kid backwards watching as he stumbled over his parents' still warm corpses.  The kid watched Joker take Harley's hand and pull her from the apartment, Frost following behind.  He sat in the pool of his parents blood until the police finally showed up hours later.

 


	3. Woulda Coulda Shoulda

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Joker ponders what plans Harley had had for them before she lost her cool.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This bit gets a little dirty...

Chapter 3

The trio trampled through the destroyed electronics store, weaving their way around the green convertible Harley had crashed.  She stopped abruptly, remembering something she had left in the car causing the Joker, who still had a hold of her, to stumble.  He growled as he turned back to her only to find that she had climbed over the door and into the convertible.  She kicked some debris out of the way before reaching down and withdrawing her beloved mallet from the wreckage.  Joker sighed and yanked it from her hands.

"We don't have time for this."  He recaptured Harley's hand and dragged her towards the sedan where Frost waited with the back door open.  Joker handed the mallet to Frost before he climbed in, Harley surrendered her bat to him with a playful smile and followed the Joker inside.  Frost used his knee to shut the door after them before popping the trunk and dropping Harley's arsenal inside.  He rounded the car and got into the driver's seat heading back towards the East Docks and Amusement Mile.

"So then she winds up turning down Logan's proposal which, I mean,  _of course_ she did.  Everyone knows she belongs with Jess.  It's not even a question.  They're sorta like you an' me, Mista J.   She a lovable bookworm, he a tantalizing bad boy.  Match made in Heaven.  But then what, huh?  It's unresolved.  Blow up the whole town for all I care.  At least  _that_ woulda been an ending!"  Harley was prattling on and Joker stared at her.  Her voice was like white noise, fading into the background as his mind wandered.

_Outfit like that she must've been planning something good for the end of that meeting._ He thought as he stared lustfully at the bits of skin he could see beneath his coat.  He could feel his pants tighten as he imagined how differently the day could've gone.

* * *

 

"Heya, Puddin'." Harley purred as she lay outstretched on the large bed.  Her skin exposed in all the right places and daintily covered in all the others.  She ran a small hand leisurely up her leg.  She gave him a coy smile as he shut the door to the meeting room behind him.  He stepped over to the edge of the bed, smiling softly.  He crooked a finger at her and pointed to the edge of the bed.

"C'mere, baby," he ordered.  She shook her head, a coy smile playing at her lips as she pushed herself further back on the bed and bit her bottom lip.  Joker smiled excitedly.  He liked to play these kinds of games.  He backed up and pulled off his holster dropping it on the dresser before slowly unbuttoning his shirt and pulling it off, his eyes never leaving hers.  She squirmed on the bed, watching him.  Wanting him.  She set her finger between her teeth and wiggled her hips suggestively.

Joker growled as he leapt onto the bed and crawled until he was balanced on top of her.  He suspended himself so that they didn't touch, but were barely inches apart.  Harley leaned up, eager to meet his lips and Joker pulled back, remaining out of reach.  Her head fell back on the pillow as she pouted.  Joker grinned arrogantly and, balancing himself on his left forearm, slowly traced the side of Harley's body.  Everywhere he touched shuddered with pleasure and a trail of goosebumps popped up along her body.

"Oooh," she moaned, "Mista J."  She reached up with both hands to run them over his pale, muscular chest.  Joker grabbed both of her hands and pinned them above her head.

"Ah ah ah." He reprimanded, "It's my turn right now, Harls."  Harley squirmed beneath him, but didn't object to her position as his hand continued its roaming.  Harley kept her hands above her head obediently and Joker rewarded her by placing a trail of kisses down her body starting at her neck.  She giggled gleefully as his breath tickled her sensitive skin.  He moved lower and sat back on his knees.  Harley watched, unusually patiently, and didn't move.  Joker grinned and put a hand on either side of her hips.  He slipped his thumbs beneath the lacey fabric and slowly slid them down her milky white thighs and tossed them behind him without looking.

He dipped his head back down and kissed the supple flesh, his tongue flicking out to taste the juices.  Harley moaned loudly, a deep sensual moan that made Joker's cock jump.  Joker growled as he wrapped his long fingers around Harley's thighs and yanked her down until she was underneath him again.  She squealed in delight as he smashed his mouth against hers.  She reciprocated eagerly, forgetting his demands and shoving her fingers through his lime green hair.  She pulled him to her more forcefully and he purred happily against her lips.  He pulled back slightly and ran his lips across her jaw to her ear.

"Your turn," he half-whispered, half-growled.  Harley's eyes widened and she pulled his lips back down to hers.  She kicked against the bed and rolled them both before sitting up with a smile.  Joker watched her carefully, amusement dancing behind his eyes.  She slid down his body, pausing to nip here and there as she worked at his pants.  He laughed and moved to help her, but she held up a hand to stop him.  He feigned surrender as he held up his hands.  Finally, she managed to get them undone and jerked them down to his knees.

Harley sighed and gently took him between her fingers, caressing gently before taking him into her hot, waiting mouth.  Joker reached a hand down into her hair and toyed with a strand between his fingers while she worked.  She twisted her tongue around his shaft expertly before Joker finally pulled her off and flipped them back over.  He ripped the sheer teddy from her shoulders and Harley grinned at the sound.  He deftly unclasped her bra and she tossed it away before wrapping her legs around his hips and prodding him forward.  Joker complied and groaned in ecstasy as he felt her familiar warmth wrap around his cock.  She sighed happily and dug her fingers into his back.

It didn't take long for them both to finish, Joker made sure Harley got there first not wanting to deal with it later.  They lie together contentedly, Harley wrapped around Joker and nuzzling his neck like a kitten.  Joker pet her hair as his mind wandered to other things.  His business proceedings and how to rid himself of the troublesome Bat.

* * *

"And Lorelei runs off to Paris and marries Christopher.  Are ya _kiddin_ ' me?  She didn't even have Rory there with her.  It was completely out of character.  The writers got so sloppy.  Maybe they were drunk when they wrote that storyline.  I don't know.  Hollywood is so messed up sometimes.  Unbelievable."  Harley was still prattling as they pulled into the parking garage and Joker felt frustrated that his day had strayed so far away from the one he imagined.

"And you couldn't just find another show because...?"  Joker asked in a deadened voice.  A flash of venom crossed Harley's face.  Joker may have gotten her back home in one piece, but her anger was still there, boiling beneath her smooth, alabaster surface. 

"Well, other than I broke all the T.V.s and the laptop.  The nonending of this show is going to leave me permanently scarred.  Like a bad break-up.  Worse than any of my bum-ass exs.  The only feasible option here is to cut my ex's balls off with a rusty kitchen knife."  Joker laughed as the car stopped.  He opened the door before Frost could and crawled out pulling Harley along.

"Well, kitten, how's about I just make you forget all about your miserable ex?  Let's go have some fun."  Harley grinned broadly as she stood up.

"Me-ow!" she answered coyly.  Joker kissed her with a rumbling purr, his hands already roaming her supple flesh.  Frost took the opportunity to duck away as Joker urged Harley towards the elevator and up to their messy bedroom.  Joker was determined to make his idealistic fantasy a reality.


	4. Clown Prince Goes to Hollywood

Chapter 4

Harley lay on the bed dressed to the nines.  She had spent all day getting ready for a night on the town with Mister J only to find out that he was ditching her.  He walked around the bedroom grabbing odds and ends, fixing his make-up, and changing his shirt.  Joker paid no mind to Harley pouting on the bed.  She'd get over missing one night of dancing when all was said and done.  Still, he found himself annoyed at her constant sighing and lethargic demeanor.

"Look, baby, you know that ordinarily I would take you along on these little outings, but I need this particular heist to go off without a hitch and you... well, you're Queen of the Hitches, ya know?"  Harley didn't look at him, but she also didn't argue.  It had been nearly two weeks since her television smashing spree and Joker thought she was finally getting over it.  He rolled his eyes at her and marched from the room.  

In the den, his goons were getting ready for battle.  Since the report of Joker and Harley causing mayhem on Two-Face's territory had made the news, Dent had made it his personal vendetta to take Joker down.  Joker welcomed the challenge, but knew full and well that Two-Face was no match for him.  He could almost feel sorry for Harvey, biting off more than he could chew.  But then he reminded himself of the grade A asshole that Dent was, walking around with a purportedly superior-than-thou attitude despite engaging in criminal activities himself.  Dent liked to claim that his 'code' kept him from being another common criminal.  He only killed people his little trick coin told him to.  Sometimes Joker thought Dent was nuttier than he was.

The past two weeks had seen Dent stealing large shipments from Joker's docks.  Tonight, Joker aimed to get even and maybe even up the ante while he was at it.

Harley rolled over on the bed and flicked the new television on.  The blue HDMI screen popped up waiting for her to turn on the console she watched Netflix through.  She considered turning it on, but continued to stare at the blue screen.

Suddenly, the door opened again and Joker came storming back in, irritated.  Harley kept her eyes on the blue screen as he dug through the closet and pulled out a pair of Italian leather shoes and a pair of purple socks. "Can't go to a shipyard barefoot," he grumbled, "could catch all kinds of diseases.  Those places aren't sanitary."  Harley said nothing causing Joker to look up and confirm that she was in the room.  He stood, feet now shoed, and observed Harley a moment before shaking his head and leaving.

As he stood in the elevator, Joker's mind kept pulling up the image of a forlorn Harley staring into a blank television screen.  Something inside his chest twitched and heaved and Joker contemplated the feeling.  He silently vowed to himself that he would get Harley her show back if it meant she wouldn't sulk around the house so much.

* * *

 

It was a quiet morning.  The sun shone happily through the large bay windows and the sky was clear and the bluest blue you could imagine.  In the house, small gourds, pumpkins and decorative leaves were scattered across every available surface.  The only indication of the time of year.

A knock at the door disturbed the easy quiet of the morning and a man rose from his seat at the kitchen table to answer it.  Unexpected visitors were an extremely rare occurrence at this house.  The woman remained in her chair, a laptop perched on the table in front of her and a mug of fresh coffee and a half eaten bagel set beside it.  The woman typed furiously at her computer pausing only to take sips of her coffee.

Footsteps tapped across the hardwood floors and into the kitchen.  The woman didn't look up from her screen and took a bite of her bagel.

"Who was at the door?" She asked around the bagel.  She  took a sip of her coffee.

"Oh, goody," an unfamiliar voice crowed.  She looked up and found seven strange men standing in her kitchen.  Her husband was held by the largest man, his meaty paw slung over his mouth so he couldn't speak.  "Both Palladinos are home."  The voice announced.  The woman found the speaker and felt her stomach twist into a knot.  She recognized this man from the national news.  Green hair, clown make-up, and outrageous number of tattoos, he was unmistakable.  And a long way from home.   The Joker.  The Clown Prince of Gotham.  The most wanted criminal in America.  This guy was bigger than Al Capone.  And he knew it.

"What do you want?" The woman finally asked.  Her voice trembled as she spoke, worried that she might upset him and cost her and her husband their lives.  Joker rolled his eyes and tipped his head up toward the ceiling.

"Now  _there's_ a shopping list." He said swinging out her husband's chair and plopping down on it comfortably.  He flung his barefeet up onto the table, knocking her mug of coffee to the floor where it shattered.  The coffee spilled out from under the shards and the woman stared at the mess.  "But we're not here to talk about me," he continued unfazed, "and personally I have no qualms with you to begin with.  However, my honey back home seems to have gotten in a bad way after watching your little show.  I aim to fix that."  The woman looked up and blinked at Joker in confusion.

"Which, um, which show?" she asked shakily.  Joker stretched his arms and yawned.  He tucked his hands behind his head and tried to remember.

"The one with the two psycho brunettes," he lifted one of his hands and snapped his fingers at the man holding her husband, "what was it called?" 

"Gilmore Girls." The large man answered.   Joker nodded.

"That's the one.  Now, maybe you haven't heard about me or any of my life's work all the way out here in the City of Angels, but rest assured, if you don't adhere to my demands I will make the rest of your long or short lives a living hell."  Joker smiled then, a pleasant, businessy smile as if to say,  _it's all in good fun!_ But Amy knew better.  She swallowed hard.

"There's, um, there's really no-no need for threats, Mister, um, Joker.  Your reputation precedes you."  Joker's grin widened in excitement.

"Excellent!" He exclaimed gleefully, "Now, Amy, I am sure you can understand what it is that I want."

"I, uh, well, no?"  Joker scoffed, his smiled dropping from his face as he rolled his eyes.  The men behind him shuffled impatiently and Amy noticed them fingering their triggers.  Joker turned to them.

"Is it just me of is everyone in this town dense?"  Joker turned back to Amy, drawing his gun as he did and pointing it directly at Amy's head.  She yelped and began to cry as the henchmen raised their guns and pointed them at her and her husband.  "Here's the deal, Amester, you and Dan-o over there are going to put Gilmore Girls back on the air or I'll just have to wrap the two of you up and take you back home with me and let Harley have her way with you." He leaned in and stage whispered to her, "Between you and me, I think she's going to savor her revenge.  I mean, maybe she'll take one of you out quickly just to get the murder out of her system, but the other one?  That one she'll take her time with."

Amy was sobbing loudly now, her whole body shaking.  Joker snarled in agitation and he was about to say screw it and pull the trigger when Daniel began struggling against Frost's giant hand and frantically tried to speak through his fingers.  Joker looked at him and rolled his eyes again.  He signaled for Frost to release the man and let him speak.  Frost let go so quickly that Daniel lost his balance and stumbled forward.  He fell silent as he took in his sudden freedom.

"Well?" Joker demanded, "What was it you so desperately wanted to tell me?  Speak up."  Daniel took a deep breath as he considered his next words carefully, knowing they could be his last.

"It isn't that simple to put a show on the air.  There-there needs to be a-a-a studio, and the actors have to-to agree to return and we would need writers and editors and-and-and directors and a network to air it on.  The whole production would take a minimum of-of-of a year, maybe longer."  Daniel grew silent as he struggled to find a solution that didn't end with them both dead.  The blood drained from his face as he noted Joker's knowing smile.  The metal-capped teeth giving an eerie quality to his already haunting face.

"HAHAHAHA!  _Of course_ I know that!" Joker exclaimed, "You honestly think you people were our first stop?" He cackled at the thought.  "My first stop was Lauren Graham!  She sent me to the executives at Warner Brothers and they prompted me to get in touch with Netflix who prompted me to get in touch with you.  You're the last on our list, although I am sorry about that old guy actor.  Edward....something.  I had to get them all to sign on and I guess I put a little too much fear into him.  That was not intentional." He added solemnly.  "So now, all you two need to do is call Netflix and come to a deal i the next, oh, I dunno, fifteen minutes?  Then we can get out of your hair and leave you all to it.

Frost stepped forward, alarming Daniel who flinched, and placed a small phone on the table beside Amy.  The number was already keyed in and Amy and Daniel looked at each other in silent conversation.  Joker, impatient as he was, waved his gun in front of Amy's face grabbing her attention.  Blearily, she looked at him and then down at the phone.

"So, Palladinos, what's your final answer?" Joker smiled as gleefully as a kid on Christmas as Amy picked up the phone and pressed dial.


	5. You Shouldn't Take What Doesn't Belong to You

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sorry there isn't much Harley and Joker interaction in this one. It's really setting up the next few chapters.

Chapter 5

Joker leaned back in his large, comfortable chair at the mahogany table already bored.  Nick and Adam were attempting to explain what had happened with the confiscation of an entire shipment of counterfeit bills.  Of course Joker's specifications had turned out to be difficult to masquerade onto the bills while still making them usable.  Yet, the brothers valued their lives and were  desperately trying to figure out a way to tell him that it was because he demanded the phrase,  _Property of the Joker_  be used in place of  _Property of the USA_.  They knew going in it would be difficult, but they figured they were up to the challenge.  They were wrong.  So here they all sat as the two stammered their way through an explanation and apology.

Joker could not care less.  The counterfeit bills were meant to replace the money in a bank vault and had only needed to be undetectable for a short amount of time.  Instead, someone had decided to test the bills and use them at a store.  They were immediately caught and the culprit now sat in Blackgate.  Adam and Nick had barely gotten out of the warehouse before the police raided the place.  Joker was confident they would replenish the confiscated stock.

"Nick and I already started printing more at our secondary warehouse and we already have about half of the necessary bills."  Adam explained, confirming what the Joker already presumed.  

"And we are being much more selective in our hirees.  There's only five guys working there now and they aren't leaving the warehouse until all is said and done." Nick added.  Joker nodded.

"Be sure to get rid of the loose ends when it's completed." Joker ordered and Nick and Adam exchanged a wary look.  Nick, the older brother, gave a sharp nod to Joker who had already moved on.

"Simon," Simon sat up a little straighter, "drugs?"  Joker put a hand to his forehead and shut his eyes.

"They practically self themselves, boss.  Our revenue is up twelve percent in the last two months." Simon announced confidently.  Joker stared at him through his fingers.  He despised when his underlings got too full of themselves.

"Only twelve percent?" He asked.  Simon's cocky smirk dipped and his eyes grew panicked.

"Well, I been havin' a little bit of trouble gettin' to the high schoolers.  I don't have any on payroll yet, but I'm workin' on it."  Joker rolled his eyes and slapped his hand down on the table.

"Do I have to do everything?" Joker demanded.  He looked at one of the guards standing near the far door.  "Go get Kyle from the den, would ya." He ordered and the guard jumped to his task.  A few seconds later the guard returned with a scrawny kid in his wake.  The kid was about fifteen and dirty.  His brown hair was matted to his head and large, dark circles hung under his eyes.  He was obviously a runaway, a look of desperation and determination in his eyes.

"What do you want?" The kid demanded as soon as the guard shoved him towards the table.  Joker chuckled and pointed a pale finger at him.

"Careful, now.  I took you in, fed you, and gave you somewhere to sleep.  It's about time you return the favor."  Joker reprimanded, "You'll be starting school tomorrow so you'd better take a shower." He pointed to Simon, "This is Simon.  You'll be staying with him from now on.  Like I said, kid, nothing in this world is free."  Kyle looked at Simon and scowled.  Simon scowled back and turned to the joker with a worried a look.

"Boss, you ain't serious.  I can't have some kid runnin' around my place messin' with all my stuff."  Simon argued.  Joker held up his hand to stop him and with the same hand gestured to Kyle.

"You just told me you were having trouble getting your drugs into the high schools.  Here is a high school student with a debt to be paid.  I expect you to make use of him the best you can.  You won't let me down now will you, Simon?"  Simon swallowed hard and glanced back at Kyle who was still scowling.  He nodded an affirmation to Joker and shut up.  

"Kyle, go shower and put on something decent.  Be quick about it."  Kyle grumbled under his breath, but left to do as he was bid.  

As soon as Kyle was gone, Joker turned to Edgar who hadn't stopped sweating since that morning.  Joker stared at him in amusement, but Edgar wouldn't meet his eyes.

"Edgar," Joker purred, "why so glum?  Frost tells me that it took three of my men to drag you here.  Said something about suitcases being packed.  But I told him, I said, 'Frost, he wasn't tryin' to skip out on me!  He's too smart for that!  Too loyal.'  So tell me, Ed, why didn't you want to come today?  Don't tell me you forgot.  Worse yet, don't make me a liar."  Edgar looked around the table frantically, but no one would meet his eyes.  Left with no exit strategy, Edgar had no choice but confess to the Joker.

"The club on Andrew Ave, The Spade, was one of our top earners, but-" Joker held up his hand stopping Edgar in his tracks.

"Buh buh buh buh buh," he said, "Did you say,  _was_?"  Edgar's mouth was dry and the blood had drained from his face.  He was certain he was going to throw up at any moment.

"Two-Face may-may-may-may have gotten the drop on my men and took over.  We haven't been able to get it back j-just yet."  Joker's upper lip pulled back in a vicious snarl.

"You  _gave_ my club to Two-Face?" Joker growled.  Edgar shook his head violently.

"No! No, sir!  He _took_  it!  I have been working on getting it back, we just haven't managed it yet."  Edgar stared at Joker and desperately tried to make him understand.  "I'm doing everything I can, boss, I  _swear_!"  Joker was quiet a moment, his hand stroking his chin thoughtfully.  Finally, he shook his head and sighed.

"Now if that were true, I would have my club back." Without another word he whipped out his gun and shot Edgar in the chest.  Edgar's hand grabbed blindly at the bullet wound as he grunted and fell from his chair.  He lay limply on the ground as blood pulsed out of him creating a large puddle on the hardwood floors.  A scream echoed from behind the bedroom door and Joker shut his eyes and rested his head in his hand.

_I've got that feeling_ , he thought,  _the one where something has happened already?  It's French.  Day-something.... Ah. Deja vu._  He flicked his fingers at Frost to check on it when Harley burst into the room.  The men stiffened at the sight of her, but they could've been invisible for all the attention she showed them.

"Puddin'!" She squealed as she leapt into Joker's lap.  Harley giggled happily as she wrapped her arms around his neck and squeezed.  "You are  _never_ gonna believe what I just found out!"  Joker gritted his teeth and the men waited at the edges of their seats to see what he would do next.

"Harley-poo, babykins," Joker cooed, "Daddy is a little busy right now.  He just got some bad news so I think you should go play in your room for a little while while i attempt to resolve it."  Harley frowned for a second, but brightened immediately and wriggled in his lap.

"Oh!" She said, "Maybe my good news will soften the blow from the bad news!  So, Puddin'," she started without letting Joker get a word in, "remember about two months ago when I wrecked that T.V. store an' you killed that kid's parents an' he pissed himself?"  Joker nodded impatiently, "Well that show that was cancelled is bein' brought back!  Isn't that fantastic?"  Joker smiled placidly and lifted Harley off his lap.

"Marvelous." He said as he dropped her onto the floor.  Unfazed, Harley jumped back up with a shrug.  At last, she focused on the dying man on the floor gurgling his last breaths through a mouthful of his own blood.

"Geez," Harley said, "what happened ta him?"

"He was incompetent." Harley twisted her lips in pitied disappointment.

"So hard ta find good help these days." She mused. Joker nodded solemnly in agreement.  "Well, I'll let you boys get back to work now." She planted a quick kiss on the Joker's cheek and danced from the room and Frost shut the bedroom door behind her.  The men around the table gaped after her, surprised at her tenacity and fearlessness while also amazed at how the Joker treated her.

"Sorry about the distraction, boys.  Now who wants to help me take down a disabled prick?"  The men all nodded nervously and Joker delved into plotting.


	6. Never Trust a Pretty Face

Chapter 6

It was early morning and The Spade had been closed for hours.  Still, armed guards stood at every entrance and several more were scattered throughout.  Despite the ever present danger, the guards were relaxed.  They had occupied The Spade for over a month and it had been weeks without a rebuttal from Joker's crew.  So the men wandered and joked around, their guns hanging forgotten from their shoulders.

A small knock at the door had everyone on edge in an instant.  Jerry, the man in charge of security for The Spade, drew his handgun and cracked the door open.  He didn't see anyone at first, but someone cleared their throat and made him look down.  A street kid stood in the doorway, a beanie pulled low on her head, dirt smeared over her face.  The girl eyed Jerry warily and wrinkled her nose with a frown.

"Whaddya want, kid?" Jerry demanded impatiently.  The girl looked at him sideways, sizing him up and deciding his character in a few seconds.  The street smarts ran thick through this kid and Jerry guessed she had been on the streets a long time.

"You ain't Ed." She stated carefully.  Jerry rolled his eyes at the obvious statement.

"Ed left me in charge here.  Either tell me what you want or get out of here."  The girl puckered her lips in a twisted frown as she weighed her options.

"Ed used to pay me for information." She told Jerry.  He waited for her to say something more, but she just stared at him.

"And?" He eventually asked.

"I got information."  She told him.  "You know where I can find Ed?"  Jerry stared down at her, a debate warring in his mind.  If the information was useful, Two-Face would reward him handsomely.  If the information was useless, no one needed to know.

"Ed ain't here, but I can pay ya for whatever info you got," Jerry told her as he made his mind up, "if it's worth it that is."  The girl looked at the new guy as if deciding whether or not it was worth it to trust the new guy.

"Show me the dough and I'll give you the know."  Jerry scowled and shoved his gun into his hip holster and pulled out his wallet.  He withdrew a twenty dollar bill and held it up to the girl.  She furrowed her brow and pulled back.  "Are you serious?" She demanded.  Jerry looked at the twenty in his hand and back down at the girl.  "Info is two hundred, man, forget you I'mma go find Ed."  The girl stepped back off the stoop to leave and Jerry's temper got the best of him.  He didn't like to be rejected.

"Wait, wait, wait." He called out.  The girl turned back and arched an eyebrow at him.  He pulled two hundred dollar bills from his wallet and handed them to her.  She took them and held each one up to the sky checking for counterfeits.  The streets had made her wise beyond her years.  Satisfied, she stuffed the bills deep into her pocket and smiled sweetly.

"Okay, word on the street is..." she made a show of looking back and forth down the street for any eavesdroppers before beckoning Jerry closer with her finger.  Jerry let out a huff of annoyance before bending down to the girl's level. "Mr. Joker doesn't take kindly to trespassers."  Jerry jerked back in shock and stared down at the little girl who was smiling viciously.

"Why you little-" the sound of gunfire erupting inside the club cut him off.  The noise lasted maybe a second, but when Jerry looked back to the stoop, the girl was gone.  Jerry turned and went back into the club, his gun drawn. 

Jerry's blood ran cold as he took in the gruesome scene.  All nine of his guards were crumpled on the ground where they had been stationed except one.  Matt, a seasoned henchman who had been with Jerry for the past three years had been the one to fire.  His gun was still clutched in his hands and his head was bent at a grotesque angle.  Whoever this guy was, he was a professional.  He had broken the necks of every two hundred pound guard in the place without a sound until the last and managed to get away unscathed.

A high-pitched giggle sounded behind him and Jerry turned expecting the street kid from earlier.  Instead, he found a beautiful woman standing in a ripped white tank top with red and blue paint smudged on the edges and shiny red and blue hot pants.  Her white-blonde hair was done up in curly pig tails with one end dyed blue and the other dyed pink.  Her skin was extraordinarily pale and a tattoo reading ROTTEN. curved along her jaw.  Her bright red lips were stretched back to reveal gleaming white teeth as she smiled up at him.  Even with her stilettos on, the top of her head barely reached Jerry's shoulder.

"Heya, Jerry!" She greeted cheerfully.  Quick as a flash, she swung her over-sized mallet and clocked him square across the jaw.  The last thing he heard was her maniacal giggle as he crumpled to the floor and stars burst before his eyes before fading into darkness.

* * *

 

When he came to, he was still in The Spade.  Jerry made to rub his sore head and found that he was zip-cuffed to a chair, a thick black rope snaked its way around his legs, arms, torso and neck cutting off circulation and making it difficult to breath.  Something sour was on his tongue and he wanted to spit out the taste, but found he couldn't pull his lips apart.  He couldn't open his mouth at all.  The realization hit him like a hammer to a nail.

_That crazy bitch super glued my mouth shut!_  Jerry began looking around the club for her and noticed with gut-wrenching horror that she had taken his guards' corpses and used them to decorate the club.  Three of them; John, David, and Arthur, were tied up with more of the same black rope that secured Jerry to his chair to the stripper stages.  Each one was in a different position, one had his leg yanked up in a show of flexibility that Jerry knew he had not possessed in life.  Each man was in various stages of undress with Arthur sporting only his socks, briefs, and ankle holster.

At the bar in the center of the club, Matt was held up like a marionette.  A rope around his neck to hold his head up and two more at his wrists.  Jerry guessed she must've used more superglue on Matt to make it appear as though he were pouring a martini.  Two more men were held up by still more rope and were seated at the bar as mock customers.  Jerry grimaced at their positions, Julius's hand was shoved down the front of Garret's pants and Garret had his arms wrapped around Julius's shoulders.  

The final three; Paul, Winston, and Arnold, were held up on the dance floor.  Puppets on black strings.  Perhaps the most jarring effects were the bright red smiles painted on each of their faces.  Their eyes were wide open staring emptily at nothing.  Jerry wanted to hurl, but it was impossible. 

"Oh, goody!" A voice squealed from above.  Jerry looked up as Harley slipped down one of the dancer's ropes.  She landed with a heavy thump on Arnold's head and Jerry wrinkled his nose in disgust as he watched Arnold's head bow backward at an impossible angle.  She flipped off of his shoulders and landed with surprising grace for someone in six inch heels.  "You're awake!"  She sauntered over, the club lights playing on her skin.  Jerry's groggy brain finally worked out why she was so familiar.  Harley Quinn.  The Joker's psychotic girlfriend.  Jerry began to struggle desperately against his restraints.

"Mista J will be here any minute now!"  She paused and giggled mischievously.  "He is going to be  _so_ surprised!"  Harley turned in a slow circle, hands on her hips, as she admired her masterpiece.  She hummed happily in satisfaction and faced Jerry again.

"Crazy bitch!" Jerry screamed, but through his super glued lips all that could be heard was, "Azy it!" Which made Harley laugh hysterically.  She froze as the sound of several car doors opening and closing echoed outside.  Harley clapped her hands together excitedly.

"Show time!" She announced before lifting her leg and stepping up on onto Jerry's lap.  Jerry grunted as her heels dug into his thighs and then again as she moved to his shoulders.  Then she was gone.  Jerry looked up to see her dangling from a web of black ropes hanging from the rafters.  She tried a few poses before finally relaxing on her back and slowly swinging as though she were in a hammock on the beach instead of a nest of ropes at a crime scene. 

_Any minute Mista J's gonna pop through that door.  Just gotta be patient._ Harley thought to herself as she closed her eyes.  _Just gotta be patient._


	7. Chapter 7

Chapter 7

The minutes ticked by slowly and Jerry worked at his bindings as discretely as he could manage.  Harley could've fallen asleep for all he knew.  She hadn't looked down at him, made any noise, or moved at all aside from the gentle swinging.  Harley had made it clear who was coming through the door and Jerry angrily thought about how stupid his plan was.  Surely after hearing the cars outside his men would've been on guard and prepared for any impending attack.  If Harley hadn't gotten the drop on his men and distracted him, Jerry and his men would've taken Joker down.  But his men were dead and their corpses were strung up like puppets and the only hope Jerry had of making it out alive was getting free of his zip-cuffs and ropes before the Clown Prince arrived with his cavalry.

The door opened with a bang as two small explosives did away with the hinges.  Immediately after, several more bangs shot out as flash and smoke grenades were tossed inside.  Several men entered then, assault rifles already firing.  Jerry attempted to make himself as small as possibly to avoid the bullets, but he was front and center and he left out a muffled scream as a bullet pierced his leg just below the knee.  The bullets stopped as quickly as they began when the men noticed there was no return fire.  The stood, guns at the ready, and waited for the smoke to clear.

Jerry's stomach flipped as he caught sight of the lime green hair weaving through the smoke.  He was wearing a white shirt buttoned only halfway up under his favorite purple coat.  Black pants hung low on his hips above bare feet.  Tattoos wound and wove across his body and his dark eyes took in everything.  Jerry watched him look around the club for any survivors before his eyes landed on Jerry, strung to his chair.  His bright red lips twitched up in a knowing smile and he crouched down and stalked towards him like a lion to a wounded gazelle.  Slowly he knelt in front of Jerry giving him a good hard look at his beautiful and deadly face.  

Joker touched a finger to Jerry's cheek and pulled it back to look at the residue on it.  Jerry noted the red paint on Joker's index finger.  Joker looked back at Jerry.  "Where is she?" He asked in a low growl.  Jerry wanted to pass out.  Unable to speak, he looked up to where Harley was still lying in her hammock of ropes seemingly unaware of the commotion below.  The Joker followed Jerry's gaze upward and some unreadable expression slid over his face.

"Harley," Joker sang sweetly.  Harley's head perked up and she rolled over to beam down at him.

"Puddin'!" She squealed, happily.  She quickly pushed herself up until she was sitting before leaning back until she was dangling upside down on the ropes.

"Come down from there, baby," Joker cooed, his voice still sweet like it was dripping honey.  Harley's grin widened and she elegantly flipped and twisted her legs around the ropes until she was a few feet from the ground.  "That's right, come to daddy."  She dropped the last feet to the ground landing easily beside Jerry.  She rushed forward, arms outstretched toward Joker ready to pounce.  Before she could, Joker's sweet smile faded away and he grabbed her upper arms hard enough to bruise and held her at arms length.  Harley stared at him in confusion.

"What's the matter, Puddin'?" She asked, sweetly, "You don't like your present?"  Joker still wasn't smiling.

"Present?"

"Yeah, Mista J!  I couldn't help but overhear about how Eddy G was havin' a hard time keepin' this place under proper management."  Joker's clenched jaw twitched and his chest rumbled with a low growl.  He couldn't decide if he was more pissed about Harley acting on her own or pleased that she had managed so elegantly what his hired hands could not.  He looked around the club with a newfound appreciation of the scene she had set.  The 'strippers', 'dancers', 'bartender' and the painted smiles.  He felt a little relief in knowing that she had clearly come in with a plan and hadn't acted brashly.  He turned his gaze back to Harley who was grinning ear to ear again.

Nobody moved.  The men in Joker's squad took their fingers off the trigger, but remained vigilant.  Many of them watched Joker and Harley intently.  They had seen her get away with things that would get an ordinary henchman killed.  They had watched as she pranced and pounced and toyed with Joker in every way and he had patted her on her head and let her have her way.  They had also seen him lose it with her over tiny, seemingly insignificant details.  The men often made bets with each other over which reaction they would see when Harley did something impulsive and ill-advised.

One of the men nudged the other and silently held up two fingers.   _Two hundred says he smacks her._  Another shook his head and held up four fingers.   _Four hundred says she gets away with it._  The first man looked back at Joker holding Harley and scowling and scoffed.  Easy money.  The betting went on like that as Joker and Harley conversed.  And then they waited.

In the meantime, Jerry held his breath and tried his best not to move.  He hoped that he could make himself as invisible as possible and then maybe the two killer clowns would forget he was there.  As though she had heard his thoughts, Harley cocked her head in Jerry's direction and pointed.  Jerry's stomach dropped as their attention turned to him.

"I figured you'd want some personal revenge of your own, though."  Her smile grew more confident. "So I kept the best for last!  This here is Jerry.  He's been workin' with Two-Face for a couple of years now.  He is, well, he  _was_ in charge of keepin' The Spade away from us."  Harley gave Jerry a sour smile and shook her head before bringing her attention back to the Joker.  She slowly brought her hands up to his chest and, when he didn't pull away, slid them up and around his shoulders.  Her right hand rested on the back of his neck and her fingers played softly in his hair.  The Joker loosened his grip on her and glared at Jerry.  Harley leaned up and slowly kissed Joker's cheek, her lips lingered for a moment before drifting back to his ear.  "I got him all wrapped up just for you, Puddin'." She whispered before stepping back slowly.  Joker let her go.  He focused on Jerry, his breathing raspy and impatient.

Harley moved back to the bar and pulled herself up onto the counter and scooted herself until she found an acceptable view from which to watch the carnage.  Joker pulled a switchblade from his sleeve like a magician and flicked it open as he stalked toward Jerry with murder in his eyes.  Jerry began struggling frantically as Joker approached and pulled at his lips attempting to scream.  Joker watched and narrowed his eyes at him.  He stopped for a moment and looked over to Harley who had grabbed a jar of peanuts and was munching giddily.

"What's that matter with his mouth?" He asked.  Harley dumped the peanuts in her hand into her mouth and, setting down the peanut jar, turned and leaned over the counter digging around for something on the floor and giving all the men in the room a great view of her ass in the process.  From a dufflebag that she had stowed behind the bar, Harley withdrew an empty tube of super glue.  She pulled herself back up and held it up to Joker with a shit-eating grin.

"I didn't want 'im ta ruin his make-up." She giggled, "Or the surprise!"  Joker stared from the super glue to Jerry and back before bursting into a fit of laughter.

"Ah, Harls!" Joker said between breaths, "You're so perfect it's like I made you in a factory!"  Harley stuck her bottom lip out and crossed her arms over her chest.

"Mista J," she whined, "you  _did_ make me in a factory!"  Joker paused for a moment to contemplate before laughing even more hysterically than before.  Harley tried her best to keep her frown and failed.  She dissolved into giggles along with him.

"Oh, you're right!  Good on me then!" Joker answered.  The Joker's men all looked at each other with mixed expressions of confusion, annoyance, and joy.  One of the lucky bastards was about to be four hundred dollars richer.


	8. A Perfect Day

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There's a bit of abuse here. It IS a story about Harley and Joker so there was bound to be some anyway, but in keeping with the SS versions of them it is dialed waaaay back. Sorry anyway.

Chapter 8

"So when do we get to the dirt on Dosey?" Joker asked.  He and Harley were relaxed on the couch in their living room.  A fluffy, pink blanket was spread over them and bowls of popcorn and bags of chips rested on top of the blanket.  On the coffee table in front of them sat two half empty champagne glasses beside a two-liter of grape soda.  Harley sat between the Joker's legs, her head on his chest and his arms around her shoulders.  A brand new television, so large it practically filled the wall, was hung on hinges and provided the only light in the dark room.

"What do you mean?" Harley tilted her head slightly to look up at him.  He was still staring at the screen.

"When do we find out he's a serial killer and is keeping tourists' corpses hidden in the walls of his basement?"  Harley frowned and looked back at the screen where Dosey was in the midst of an argument with Luke.

"We never do." Harley sighed, "But it's strongly implied."  She assured him.  They watched in a comfortable silence, Joker ran his hand lazily up and down Harley's arm.  He had had no intention of ever watching a show like this, but found he was curious about the show that made Harley so sulky.  They had been camped out for days on the couch.  Occasionally one of Joker's goons would come to inform him of a new turn of events happening with Two-Face and Joker would excuse himself to his office where he would remain for hours before emerging with a new attack strategy that would force Two-Face back.

Joker was in high spirits.  He had not only booted Two-Face from his territory, but had also managed to claim quite a few parcels of Two-Face's turf for his own.  He would never admit it out loud, but his victories were due in large part to Harley whom he had begun sending into the battlefield.  He given her command over a small fleet of henchmen and told her what he wanted.  She was always so eager to please and she hadn't come back empty handed thus far.  Still, Joker preferred to think in terms of him utilizing all his assets in a productive way.  That's what Harley was after all, an asset.  A tool to be used as he wished.  A guard dog to sic on his enemies.

Today, however, there were no goons or plotting or attacks.  Today was a day that Harley felt deliciously spoiled.  She felt outrageously normal while laying on the couch with Joker and binge-watching a show on Netflix.  This was the kind of activity that people engaged in who didn't mercilessly kill others in their spare time.  It was comforting.  Harley snuggled deeper under the cover and pressed her back to Joker's chest.

Frost chose that moment to walk in.  He paused as he took in the bizarre sight.  He was used to the two of them engaging in explicit displays of affection with little concern towards their audience.  This casual affection was jarring.  Joker still wore his usual make-up, but what Frost could see of him was unclothed.  Harley was in a similar state of undress.  Her make-up was perfect, but her hair was down and the loose curls wove together.   Frost took a deep breath and cleared his throat.  Joker tilted his ear in Frost's direction indicating that he had heard him, but did not take his eyes away from the screen.  

"Boss-" Joker held up a pale finger cutting him off.  Frost linked his hands in front of him and waited quietly.  After several minutes, the screen went black signalling a commercial break and Joker picked up the remote and hit pause.  Harley shouted an objection, but Joker placed a soft kiss on her temple before disengaging himself from their love nest.  As the blankets fell from around him, Frost noted that he was wearing only his yellow and purple bat boxers.  Harley watched him go, appreciating the view of his muscular back.  His fine toned legs as hairless as his brows.

"What is it, Jonny Boy?" Joker asked.  Frost felt uneasy at how out of character Joker's voice and attitude was.  He swallowed hard.  At least with the regular Joker Frost knew what to expect.  This was unnerving.

"Two-Face just bombed The Spade."  Frost spit out quickly.  He braced himself.  Joker's relaxed face dissolved into unconcealed rage.  With blinding speed, Joker grabbed Frost's collar and pinned him to the wall.  Frost was at least sixty pounds heavier than Joker and a good six inches taller, but Joker acted like he was no bigger than a sack of flour.  He gnashed his teeth angrily in Frost's fearful face.

"What was that?" he snapped.  Frost grappled at the wall behind him and kept his eyes firmly on the Joker's crazed eyes.

"It was minimally staffed, Boss," Frost explained, "only two guys were lost."  Joker's grip didn't loosen as he continued to stare down Frost.

"Well maybe if there were more men there to keep an eye on the place we would've caught Two-Face when he was  _planting_ the bombs!"  Frost nodded frantically.

"Yeah, yeah I know, Boss, we just put more of our guys in the warehouse we took from him and had a bunch patrolling Hayes Avenue 'cause everyone figured he'd wanna get his territory back first, ya know?"  Joker snarled and released Frost who doubled over and put a hand to his neck.  When he looked up, Harley was inches from his face staring quizzically at him.  Frost frowned at her and straightened.

"Ya know I put a lotta effort into that club, Jonny."  Harley told him.  Frost glared down at her and crossed his arms over his chest.  Joker had moved back and was pacing back and forth like a caged animal.  Occasionally a frustrated snarl or enraged growl would rumble from his lips.  Harley crossed her arms too and pouted up at Frost.  "I do so much an' I never get any recognition."  Frost rolled his eyes.

"Shut up, Harley.  This whole mess is entirely your fault to begin with."  Joker snapped as he paced.  Harley turned.  She was confused for a moment before she remembered her tirade on Hayes Avenue where the electronics shop used to be.  Harley frowned.

"Not entirely, Mista J." Joker stopped cold and fixed her with a hard stare.  Harley hardly seemed to notice.  "Really, it was the show runners that cancelled my show that are to blame.  I mean, who  _does_ that?"  Joker bared his metal capped teeth at her.

"That was  _ten years ago_! " He screamed.  Harley stuck out her bottom lip, crossed her arms and popped her right hip out.

"Well I wasn't watchin' it ten years ago!  Maybe Netflix shouldn'ta started streamin' it!"  Joker clenched his fists and his upper lip twitched in agitation.  The two clowns stared each other down.  Someone could've hypothetically cut the tension with a knife, but there was no way anyone would think of bringing a knife anywhere near them.  Joker smacked her, hard, across the face.  She sat down and glared up at Joker.  "Hey!  Don't take it out on me just 'cause you hired a buncha idiots!"

"You're an idiot!"  Joker retorted.  Harley turned around and pulled her legs in to sit criss-cross and crossed her arms over her chest.  Frost edged away from them slowly.

"I'm not the one that got his club blown up..." Joker raised his hand as though to hit her again before stopping midair.  He put the hand in his hair and shook his head.

"You're making my teeth hurt." He told her.  "I'm going to my office, don't bother me."  He slammed his office door closed and a few minutes went by before Harley finally stood up.  She turned to Frost, ice in her eyes.  Frost could see the red welt rising up on her right cheek, but she gave no indication that she felt it.

"We were havin' a lovely day and then  _you_ had ta go an'  _ruin_ it."  She growled.  Maybe for the first time, Frost saw what the Joker saw in Harley.  More than looks, Harley somehow had the same venom in her veins.  That same chaotic energy that coursed freely through the Joker was in Harley.  Frost wondered why he hadn't seen it sooner and decided that Harley was better at concealing it.  She played up the goofy craziness a lot more to distract from the vindictive psychotic rage that bubbled beneath the surface.  Frost had never felt afraid of her before but looking at her now, being caught alone with her, he felt that same fear as when the Joker had him pinned to the wall.

"It's my job to report important events to the boss."  He explained coolly, deciding not to let her see how much she was scaring him.  Harley's face spasmed with barely controlled rage.

"Ya know, I took it easy on you last time.  Just did enough to getcha outta my way.  Maybe I shouldn'ta been so nice."  Frost's back hit something solid and realized she had literally backed him into a corner.  She stalked forward slowly and Frost pulled out his gun.  Harley stopped and stared at him.  Waited for him to make his next move.

"I been with Joker for nearly ten years now, lady, he might be mad at me for doin' you in, but I don't think he's gonna kill me for it."  Frost lied.  Harley's lips twitched upwards, fighting off laughter.

"You been with 'im for ten years, but you ever made him cum so hard he couldn't see straight?  You ever licked the blood off his face after he killed someone?  You ever danced with the devil in the pale moonlight?"  Harley bared her teeth at him, "I have."

"So what?  He can get another broad here in a minute that can do all that shit and probably more.  He don't need you."  Harley frowned thoughtfully.

"Then why'd he go to all the trouble to get me outta Belle Reve?"  She asked.  Frost swallowed.  Harley hadn't seen what he had seen.  The death circle, the drawn on smile, the unending bloodshed.  Not that there wasn't a massive amount of bloodshed anyway, just that it usually had a purpose.  Harley had seen through his deceit in an instant.  Harley smiled, "Mista J might be upset right now, but that'll be nothin' compared to what'll happen if some two-bit thug decides to try an' take me out."  She stepped forward and pressed her forehead to the barrel of the gun.  "Matter of fact, I think I'd like to see what happens.  Go ahead and pull the trigger there, Jonny Boy.  Make sure you pick out a decent coffin for yourself. If there's anything left of you, of course."  Jonny's grip on the gun tightened for an instant before he pulled back and stowed his gun in his hip holster.  Harley laughed.

"You ain't worth my time." She told him before sauntering out the door and down to the garage.  She didn't have a clear destination in mind, but she knew she needed to give Joker his space for a bit and let him come around.   _We were havin' such a perfect day_.  She moped as she sped down the tunnel and away from Amusement Mile.


	9. Girls Behaving Badly

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry there was such a big gap between updates.

Chapter 9

"So I go through all the trouble to get his club back and then he starts givin' me stuff to do on my own and I figured he was really startin' to trust me to handle myself.  I mean, of course I can handle myself.  He doesn't know it, but I once ripped the heart right out of a goddess's chest.  A  _goddess_ , Red! She was tryiin' to destroy the world or somethin' I'm a little fuzzy on the details, but I am  _strong_ , Red."  Harley was lying on a tattered greenish couch in Poison Ivy's underground lair.  A bag of peas was balanced on her face where the Joker had struck her.  She had her arms crossed behind her head and her legs hanging over the back of the couch, her feet still bare.  She hadn't bothered to put any on before she left Amusement Mile.  All she had on was one of Joker's white button-up shirts and silky red underwear.  She counted herself lucky that she had been wearing that.

Heat lamps gave the large room a hazy yellow glow reminiscent of truck stop bathrooms.  Ivy sat across the way at her living desk made from her vines.  It was an unusual friendship to say the least.  Neither one of the women were exactly of sound mind, one less so than the other.  They had met where most Gotham criminals met, Arkham Asylum.  They were by no means 'fast friends'.  Ivy frequently felt herself to be above Harley and her antics.  Every flirtatious giggle with the weak-kneed guards and the way she seemed to twirl her hair and bat her lashes to get her way.  Sure, Ivy had her own looks, but it was usually the mind-addling perfume that exuded from her toxic skin that got Ivy her way.  Harley didn't have toxic skin or meta-human powers.  She was just insane.  And insanely beautiful.

It was on one of Ivy's rare ventures outside that caused the two to bond.  Ivy was locked in a small glass case so she could enjoy the sunlight without harming anyone or escaping.  Across the yard, Harley sat surrounded by adoring fans.  She giggled and toyed with her blonde hair, wrapping a faded blue strand around her finger.  The top of her white and black striped uniform was ripped and tied just under her breasts exposing her pale, flat stomach and the top was unbuttoned to show off her bountiful cleavage.  Like now, she was barefoot.  The powers that be in Arkham figured that it would slow down any escapees if they didn't have shoes without taking into account that crazy people tend not to care about trivial things in the same light as sane people.

Ivy ignored everyone, choosing instead to focus on soaking up as much sunlight as she could while she had the chance.  Her skin had gotten to be a pale, sickly yellow in the months she had gone without proper sunlight.  Now, as she sat with her eyes closed, face upturned toward the sky, she began to revive.  Her usual light green hue returned and she felt more energized and powerful.

"Wow," she heard.  "So you really are just like a real plant, huh?"  Ivy made no indication that she had heard anything.  Someone tapped on the glass and Ivy felt a twinge of pity for those poor fish that had to put up with children banging on their tanks all day.  Ivy slowly opened her eyes and glared down at Harley who smiled gleefully when she caught her eye.  "So you  _can_ hear me!"  She stood back and put her hands on her hips.

"What do you want?" Ivy demanded coolly.  Harley wrinkled her forehead and frowned.

"Well, I don't s'pose you're in any position to give me what I want there, Red."  Ivy groaned impatiently.  She stretched her neck to either side and flexed her fingers.  All the soreness and stiffness was melting away with her exposure to the sun.

"Then why are you here?"  Harley shrugged.

"I underestimated that girl-Batsy," she held up her hands in mock surrender, "I know, I know, how could  _I_ , someone frequently underestimated, have underestimated someone  _else_?"  She turned and held one thin finger up to Ivy's face, "The Patriarchy!"  Harley declared.  Ivy looked down at her with considerable confusion.   _This girl needs professional help.  Probably more than they can give her here._  Harley was smiling at Ivy again and Ivy was reminded of a puppy.  That ditzy expression of unmitigated joy.

"Not Arkham," Ivy corrected, "here.  In front of me."  Harley tilted her head to the side and blinked.

"You look like a fun gal.  Kinda gal that could be useful if, say, someone were gettin' a little bored of this place."  Ivy's stare hardened.  She was talking escape plans in broad daylight while surrounded by guards and nutsos alike.  Whatever she had brewing was doomed to fail.

"No thanks." Harley frowned and again Ivy got the impression of a kicked puppy.  Harley crossed her arms over her chest and pouted.

"C'mon, Red.  Don'tcha wanna get outta there?"  Harley gestured to the glass case and Ivy narrowed her eyes skeptically.  Harley leaned in and cupped a hand over one side of her mouth.  "Between you an' me, I used ta work here.  I know all the ins-an-outs and I could have information on a secret tunnel system and a way ta get us outta Arkham if someone was willing ta do a little leg work.  My Puddin's a little upset with me at the moment so I can't guarantee that he'll be in the mood ta break me out any time soon and my plan don't work so good without a partner that can pull her weight.  Whaddya say, Red?"  Ivy was silent for a long moment.

"You used to work here?  As what?  A maid?"  Harley's eyebrows drew together in indignation.  She slapped the glass with surprising force and Ivy pulled back a fraction of an inch.  She quickly concealed the shock on her face and kept her eyes on Harley's.

""The name's Harley Quinn nee Doctor Harleen Quinzel.  Psychiatrist."  Ivy pursed her lips in thought.  The idea that this nutball used to be anything other than whacked in the head was laughable, but Ivy didn't think now was the time for jokes.  Harley's playful smile was gone and a stern seriousness had taken over.  In a move that surprised them both, Ivy agreed to assist in Harley's break out.

The rest was more or less history.  Harley left Ivy in a patch of woods at the edge of Gotham telling her something along the lines of, 'I'll be in touch' before running off to find her Puddin'.  Ivy slunk back into her hideaway and hatched her next plan to get revenge on Batman for throwing her in the Asylum to begin with.

Over time, they had fallen into a comfortable kinship.  Harley liked having an impartial third-party to talk to about her Joker problems and the advantage of having a place to disappear to when Mister J was in a particularly foul mood hadn't escaped her either.  On Ivy's side, she felt better around Harley.  It had taken her a bit of time and careful self-reflection to understand why.  The answer was simple, Ivy was crazy.  She knew this the first time she killed a man with her toxic kiss but had lived in denial for a very long time, the thought lingering at the back of her head.  However, when Harley was around Ivy didn't feel her craziness so much.  Oftentimes she almost felt...sane.

So Harley would let herself in to Ivy's secret hideaway and blabber on about her abusive boyfriend and their horrifying relationship details and Ivy would listen.  Each time, Ivy would tell Harley to ditch the Joker knowing full well that she never would while fearing for the time when Harley listened to her.  If Harley wised up and got herself right, Ivy would be the truly crazy one.  Their friendship existed in a vicious cycle of love and destruction.  Harley hardly noticed.  These were the only relationships she had known so they felt natural to her.  Comfortable even.

"Leave him," Ivy told her emotionlessly.   She was focused on the large blueprints spread across her desk.  Occasionally, she would pause and scribble a note in the 100% recycled notebook on her right.  Harley huffed on the couch.

"You always say that, Red.  You never even met Mista J and you're so mean ta him."  Ivy hummed indifferently and ruffled through the stacks of files and papers on her desk before finding the one she wanted and pulled it out.  Harley swung her legs down and sat up, the bag of peas dropped to the floor with a clatter.  Harley frowned and went to peer over Ivy's green-tinged shoulder.  She noted the Wayne Corp. logo on the bottom left and her curiosity was piqued.

"Where'd you get that?"  Harley asked.  Ivy wasn't exactly a sneak thief.  She was more of a flash-bang girl tending to draw a lot of attention.  Ivy glanced back at Harley suddenly guarded.

"You aren't my only friend, you know."  Harley pouted.  

"Fine.  But you know you coulda asked me ta get that for you."  Ivy shook her head and scribbled another note on the page.

"Not without drawing a ton of attention to it.  Right now nobody knows these files and blueprints are missing which means that they aren't going to suddenly increase their security detail.  The file says there are fifteen guards on sight in rotating shifts.  There aren't suddenly going to be thirty-five or even forty guards in the building."  Ivy smiled cockily at her.  Harley raised her eyebrows slightly and shrugged.

"Yeah, maybe, but you ain't accounting for that Wayne Corp. logo."  Harley told her as she meandered back to the couch.  Ivy's pen stopped mid-stroke recognizing Harley's devious and conspiratorial attitude.

"What do you mean by that?"  Ivy demanded.  Harley shrugged again.

"They always have a secret stash of security personnel not disclosed in the public files and barely even disclosed in the private ones.  Sure they list fifteen guards in rotating shifts, but they got reserve guards in the event that some criminal," Harley gestured between the two of them, "decides to rob, bomb, or otherwise attack any of the buildings."  Ivy dropped her pen and walked over to Harley who had lain back down on the couch.

"How do you know all this?"  Ivy asked skeptically.  Harley became very interested in her perfectly manicured nails.

"Mista J an' I have hit up the Wayne company a coupla times.  They got particularly good munitions."  Ivy sat down on the living coffee table and stared at Harley.

"Tell me everything you know."  Harley scowled at Ivy.

"Why don'tcha ask your  _other_ friends for help?"  She suggested.  Ivy sighed and rolled her eyes.  She ran a hand through her fiery red locks and took a deep breath.

"Okay, Harley, maybe I do have other friends.  But you know what?"  Harley narrowed her eyes at Ivy.

"What?"  Harley asked, playing along.

"I only have  _one_ best friend."  Ivy smiled at Harley who still scowled.  Slowly, Ivy lifted her index finger and poked the tip of Harley's nose playfully. "You."  Harley broke out in a wide grin and threw herself at Ivy, wrapping her arms tightly around Ivy's toxic body.  Ivy breathed a sigh of relief and returned the hug.

"That's all ya had ta say, Red!"  Harley told her gleefully.  Ivy smiled.

"So, will you help me, Harley?"  Ivy asked carefully.  Harley pulled back to give Ivy her best smile and nod her head emphatically.

"Of  _course_ , Red!  This'll be fun!" Harley wiggled in excitement as she began to divulge all of her intelligence to Ivy who listened with an intensity that Harley had never gotten before.


	10. Chapter 10

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> While Harley spends time with Ivy, Joker makes his move against Two-Face.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Graphic violence.

Chapter 10

Joker stared at his map of Gotham that covered a third of a wall in his office.  Dozens of purple push pins dotted the neighborhoods indicating what belonged to him and what soon would.  In push pins he had personally painted half white and half black he had marked where Two-Face had set up shop.  The map had various other hand-made pins for each of the other Gotham crime kingpins.  He was unconcerned with the black pins with red bow-ties that sparsely decorated the northeast side of Gotham.  And the four green pins with swirly black question marks made Joker wonder if he had misjudged the potential in that particular criminal.  He angrily yanked a purple pin from the map and slashed a large red 'X' over the square that was once The Spade.

He heard Harley begin to scream at Frost outside where he'd left her and rolled his eyes in irritation.  She had gotten to be too big of a distraction.  He let himself get caught up with her and wasted a full day lounging around on the couch watching that idiotic drama.  The screaming got quiet, but he could still hear them talking quietly.  Frost had evidently pulled his gun on Harley.  Joker scowled and moved toward the door to separate them.  Maybe relieve some of the anger, too.  Then he heard Harley goading Frost into shooting her and he pulled up short.  He remembered doing the same to her when she held a gun to his head, but this was Jonny.  He had a stronger will and had been dropping bodies a lot longer than Harley.  Joker's blood ran cold as he mentally decided which method of slow, agonizing, tortured death he would inflict on his favored henchman.

Harley's sardonic laugh caught Joker's ear.  He listened as her bare feet padded against the hardwood floors and the elevator dinged.  Joker clenched his fist and forced himself back to the situation at hand.  For thirty seconds.  With an angry huff, he turned back and flung his office door open.  Frost was standing in the corner and if Joker didn't know any better he could have sworn that he was lost in thought.   _Impossible_ , Joker told himself,  _Jonny doesn't think_. 

"What are you waiting for?" Joker growled making Frost jump to attention.  He stared at Joker waiting for further instruction, but Joker just stared and waited.

"Sir?" he asked.  Joker pointed at the elevator.

"She is not to go out without supervision.  Either you or one of the other men need to keep an eye on her."  Frost blinked and nodded as he grabbed for his phone.  "The last thing I need is for her to get caught and shipped back to that freak factory." An idea hit Joker and he walked back into his office and took another gander at his map as Frost called another one of the goons to go watch Harley.

"Frost!" He called and Frost quickly ended his phone call and hurried into the office.  Joker was pulling out an arsenal of knives, guns, and explosives from the weapons cache in his office.  Frost waited silently for an order as he watched Joker work.  Finally, Joker turned to Frost with the smile on his face.  The smile that let Frost know that someone was going to die very soon.  "Take this to the SUV.  The black one with out of state tags."  He didn't wait for Frost to get to work before he walked out of the office.

The bedroom still smelled of sex and Joker noted that he may need to 'fire' their maid for not washing the sheets and making the bed.  He waded through the piles of Harley's discarded clothing to his own closet.  He couldn't very well destroy the lives of his enemies in his underwear!  Well, he could, but the aesthetic would be off.  The tone needed to be just right for times like these and that meant a suit.  A nice suit.  Something flashy.  He pulled out a silky and sleek light tan suit and one of his nice burgundy button up shirts.  As he changed, a thought struck him.

 _Harley went out without clothes on again_! He fumed.  This had to be done on purpose.  There was no reason for her to continue to expose herself to everyone in Gotham.  They saw enough of her as it was.  Joker ground his teeth as he pulled his holster on and stowed his two favorite guns inside.  He paused as he noted Harley's pistol lying on the dresser beside his.   _No clothes_ and _unarmed.  It's like she's got a death wish.  They're gonna throw her back in that swamp before I can blink.  Thoughtless._   Joker emerged from the bedroom fully clothed and called the elevator.   _I'll have to have a chat with her when I get back_.  The elevator doors opened and Joker stepped inside.

* * *

 

Everything had gone perfectly.  Joker had a few of his men round up a couple city councilmen and committee members and tied them up in Two-Face's abandoned factory-turned-courtroom.  He had a few others plant bombs strategically throughout the building and wire them to phony timers.  With the experienced efficiency of his team, the whole matter took less than an hour.  Of course Joker had to kill a few unpleasant guards, but he found it helped him blow off some steam.

The faux courtroom was Dent's main base of operations.  For a while, he considered the ease of the task to be a trap.  But he said fuck it and went ahead anyway.  He and the crew moved up the block to watch the excitement at an acceptable distance.  Joker pulled a chair to the window of the building they were ducked in and munched on the freshly popped popcorn Frost had brought him.

Two-Face arrived moments after the plans were in place.  He slipped inside his lair completely unaware of the trap Joker had set for him.  Joker swung his arm out in front of him and looked at the expensive watch on his wrist.  He grinned.

"Fun should be starting any second now!"  Just as he said it, a large black blur swooped onto the roof of the factory.  Joker laughed merrily and clapped his hands together in excitement.  Everyone watched with interest.  The Bat pulled the grate off of a ventilation shaft and slid inside.  Joker waited a few minutes as the henchmen held their breaths.  Slowly, Joker retrieved the detonator from his inside coat pocket.  He watched the building carefully and, not seeing any outside movement, blew the charges.

The flames burst through the roof and windows and enveloped the building.  The henchmen around him cheered, but Joker watched quietly.  Intent on seeing the outcome.  He knew deep down that Batman wasn't dead.  He wasn't that easy to kill and Joker liked that about his nemesis.  He had the same cockroach-esque qualities and felt that it made the game more fun with two equally pitted opponents.

Sure enough, Batman appeared.  He lead three freed hostages out of the building and a strung up Two-Face was slung over his shoulder.  Two-Face was howling with rage as he watched his headquarters burn to nothing.  Batman looked drained and Joker sympathized.  He had been at this for a very long time and had still been unsuccessful at achieving his goal.  Crime was more rampant in Gotham City than ever before.  To make matters worse, he had only been able to free three of the eight hostages.  And none of Two-Face's henchmen had made it out.

Joker laughed as he watched Batman wait for the police to come and his Batmobile to arrive.  Two-Face was passed from the Bat to Commissioner Gordon.  The hostages were loaded into patrol cars and Batman climbed into his tank and drove away.  Joker sighed as he stood up and stretched.  He had no doubt that Gordon was sending Two-Face to Belle Reve.  If only someone loved Dent enough to attempt a break out.  Joker shook his head at the passing thought and descended the stairs.

Thinking of Belle Reve made Joker think of Harley and he still needed to have a discussion with her about personal safety and wardrobe choices.  Namely being that she ought to be _using_ her wardrobe.  He busied himself on the short ride home with what he planned on saying to Harley.  He knew that she would throw herself on him and apologize for being so impossible and then she would kiss him so the conversation would have to wait until after sex.  He would berate her and she would make that annoyingly cute pouty face and of course he couldn't stay mad at her after that so they would have some more sex.  Then they'd probably wind up back on the couch watching that infernal show.

He was still thinking about it when the doors opened into the empty living room.  He walked around to the den where  a few goons were playing Mortal Kombat before circling back to the bedroom.  She was probably sulking because he had been gone for so long.  But the bedroom was void of Harley too.  Joker gritted his teeth together.  He yanked his phone from his pocket and called Harley.  The phone rang once, twice, and then it stopped.  Joker saw red.  She had _screened. His. Call._  Something broke and he slowly realized that he had put his hand through the drywall.  He removed his fist from the hole and brushed the dust from it.

He stormed back into the den and the goons looked up.  The smart ones leapt out of their seats, dropping their controllers where they stood and raced from the room.  The others, bystanders or otherwise stared at him in confusion.  Joker slipped a butterfly knife out of his sleeve and into his hand.  He flipped it open and grinned at one of the men still sitting on the couch.  He was in his early thirties, balding with eyes set too close together.  Joker lunged at him and frantically took the knife to his face.  He carved out one eye and then the other before setting to work on his fingers which he chopped off knuckle by knuckle.  By the end of it, there was not much left of the goon and nothing identifiable.  All the while Joker laughed as the unsuspecting mobster screamed in agony.

As he was wiping the blood from his hands, his phone buzzed.  He pulled it out and checked it.

**Harley-Poo**

Hey, Puddin.  I wna let ya cool off

for a bit. I'm fine. Stayin w/ a friend.

Love you! 

 _Staying with a friend_?   _What friend_?  Joker clenched his fists again and returned to Eye-less.  He pulled a gun from his holster and fired it into his body until the clip ran out.  Harley was staying with a friend that she went to with barely anything on her body.  Joker knew one thing about this 'friend'.  He was going to be dead very soon.

 


	11. Sirens

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ivy's plan is put into action.

Chapter 11

Ivy's plan was set for two days from now and she had forbid Harley from any outside contact in fear that she may accidentally let slip any detail of their plan.  The first night, Harley had stared at her phone for hours and stared at the call log that listed his phone number every few minutes.  Thirty-two missed calls and seven voice-mails.  Harley felt her belly twist in delight knowing that Joker was pining for her.  At the same time she gnawed at her bottom lip worrying over what he would say or do when she eventually came home.  Eventually, Ivy had taken her phone from her and hidden it anticipating a break in her will.  Harley sulked and moped for the next few hours as Ivy made a few phone calls and laid out a directive.

"Harley," Ivy called from the door.  Harley looked up and saw Ivy standing with another woman.  She had short, brown hair and intriguing green eyes.  She was dressed head to toe in black leather with goggles strapped on her head that was covered with a black cowl with small pointed 'ears'.  Harley leapt up from the couch and cried out in alarm pointing exaggeratedly.

"Batgirl!"  Harley screamed.  The two women exchanged looks of amused exasperation and the black leather woman burst into laughter.  Harley frowned in confusion and waited for the punchline.

"I'll admit that our taste in outfits have certain similarities.  Between us, I'm not all that convinced that the Bat didn't model her outfit after mine in the first place.  You know what they say, imitation is the most sincere form of flattery."  Ivy rolled her eyes and ducked out of the room as black leather woman sauntered forward until she could plop herself down on the couch much like Harley did.  "And Batman  _does_ so like to flatter me."  She winked at Harley who cocked her head to the side and tried to sort out what kind of person was in front of her.

"You his girlfriend or somethin'?" Harley asked.  The woman held out a gloved hand and Harley gave her a short shake.

"People call me Catwoman, but friends call me Selina."  Selina smiled at Harley, "You can call me Selina."  Harley smiled and straightened herself up with pride.  She dropped down next to her new friend and stuck her feet up onto the coffee table.  The vines wriggled slowly beneath her feet.

"I think I've heard of ya!"  Harley confessed.  Then she remembered something and her smile twisted into suspicion.  "Are you really dating the Bat?"  Catwoman smirked.

"A lady never kisses and tells.  Besides, I wouldn't label it something so official as all that.  Sure we bump fuzzies occasionally and I let him buy me dinner every once in a while, but he's free to tangle with whoever he likes.  And I'm free to do the same."  Harley was quiet and Selina wondered if she had disclosed too much too soon.

"I don't think I could do that." Harley said quietly as she shook her head slowly.  "No. No, if anyone else tried ta touch my Puddin', I'd wring their necks!"  Harley gave a short nod as though to confirm what she had just said.  Selina shrugged.

"Everyone has their own thing."  Ivy returned followed by a dozen men.  Harley noted their blank expressions, eyes that stared at nothing and mouths hanging open.  They stood at the edges of the room and waited.  Harley jumped up from the couch and walked over to one.  She examined him closely.  He was older, maybe forties or fifties and muscular although not necessarily good looking.  Harley waved her hand in front of his face.  When that inspired no reaction, she poked his cheek.  Still no response.  Harley smacked him across the face as hard as she could and he dropped emptily to the floor.  Slowly, he picked himself back up and stood in the same spot with the same lifeless expression.

"What's up with them?" She asked Ivy.  Ivy was back at her desk with her back turned to Harley.  Selina watched from the couch with great interest.

"They're under my control.  I've infected them with my toxins."  Harley looked at the other men before her eyes landed on one and she gasped loudly.  She rushed over to him and grabbed his face between both of her hands.

"Bozey?" Harley yelled.  Bozey continued to stare blankly at nothing.  Harley shook him hard and shouted, "BOZEY!  WAKE UP!  BOZEY!"  Ivy turned around and grabbed Harley's wrist and pulled her away from the henchman.  Harley glared at Ivy.

"He can't hear you, Harley."  Ivy told her.  Harley stomped her foot.

"He's one of my goons, Red!  You turn him back right now!"  Ivy rolled her eyes.

"He's one of your stalkers.  I caught him lurking outside so I turned him.  And once turned, there is no going back." Ivy told her.  Harley's brow wrinkled in sadness.

"Not cool, Red."  Catwoman made her way over to ease the tension.

"Hate me later," Ivy told her, "we have work to do."  Harley crossed her arms and wrinkled her nose, but didn't press the issue any further.  Still, every now and again, Harley would look over at Bozey with pity. 

* * *

 

Two days later, Harley found herself flipping over a Wayne Corp. security guard stealing his gun as she went.  She fired a shot behind her and she heard the guard drop with a yelp.  She smiled to herself.  She hadn't really expected that to work.  She rolled over a guardrail and shot another guard in the back.  Harley found her eyes drawn up to where the guard had been looking and watched Selina take down a guard with her cat-o-nine-tails and another by snapping his neck with her thighs.  Harley shot another guard that was charging her before hearing Ivy's voice in her ear.

"Get out now, I'm sending in the drones."  Harley and Selina climbed the ladder leading out to the roof where Ivy was waiting.  Harley and Selina stood on either side of her and watched as she worked her vines into the building.  "Something's wrong."  She said.  Harley looked around, but didn't see anything unusual.  Selina went rigid and quickly turned around.  Harley followed her gaze and saw Batman.

"What do you think you're doing?" Batman rumbled.  Harley growled and Batman's hard eyes locked on to her.  They stared each other down before Batman's eyes went back to Selina.  "What are you doing hanging out with her?"  He asked.  Selina barked out a short laugh and crossed her arms.

"I happen to like her, Bats. She's got spunk." Harley beamed at the praise. "Plus she's funny."  Batman scowled.

"She needs to go back to prison." 

"I ain't neva goin' back to that hellhole, Batsy.  An' I'm gonna kill ya for sending me in the first place.  I promise."  Batman took a step forward and Ivy turned around and brought a thick vine up through the roof to wrap around Batman's boot.  He sliced through with a batarang and lunged toward Harley.  Selina jumped in the way and kick at his head.  Harley picked up a loose piece of rebar from the roof and swung at Batman.  He dodged and grabbed for Harley, but Selina brought her leg down on his outstretched arm.  Batman backed up and Harley swung her rebar again.

"They put a  _bomb_ in my  _neck_ , Batsy!"  Harley growled.  Batman jumped away from the attack, but met Selina's whip as he went.  He twisted his arm until he had a solid grip on the whip and yanked it forward, bringing Selina with it.  Their faces were a short distance apart and Selina looked thrilled.  Harley recognized the same behaviors in Selina as she saw in herself.  She couldn't fault her for her desires, but this was revenge.

"Stop fighting, Selina."  Selina leaned in until her lips were barely grazing his.  A small smile played at her lips.

"I will when you do."  Batman pulled back and tossed Selina aside before stalking toward Harley.  Harley dropped down as Batman swung a meaty fist at her and struck his knee with her rebar.  Batman stumbled a bit, but caught himself quickly and turned towards her again.  Another vine wrapped around his leg and he angrily cut at it with a batarang. 

"Silly Bats!  Only Mista J gets to hit me," she told him.  Batman reached into a pouch and withdrew something Harley couldn't make out and threw it at her.  Harley jumped and dodged the object only to have it hit Selina.  The bolo wrapped tightly around her legs and Selina hissed as she pulled at the bindings.

"Harley," a voice called and Harley's heart leapt in her chest.  She looked over to the edge of the roof where Joker, Frost, and several henchmen were pulling themselves up.  He looked angry and relieved to find her here and Harley could've squealed with delight at her Puddin' going through all that trouble to track her down.  Thoroughly distracted, Batman had no trouble in tackling Harley to the ground.

"Batsy!"  Joker called in a disapproving tone.  "That is  _no_ way to treat my lady!"  Joker fired a shot at him and forced Batman to forgo Harley and focus on the new group of adversaries. 

"Harley!  I told you  _not_ to talk to your boyfriend!" Ivy yelled from her nest of vines.  Harley flipped herself up off the ground and went to help Selina.

"I didn't!" She retorted.  "He found me."  Joker stuck his tongue in his cheek as he took in Ivy.

_So this was the friend she was talking about_. He thought.  He walked fearlessly up to her.  "I've heard about you."  He told her.  She fixed him with a deadly stare.  Joker was unaffected.  "You're the girl with the toxic skin."  He continued his examination, walking in a slow circle around her and looked her up and down.  "Filling my baby doll's head with all sorts of things.  Telling her not to answer my calls."

Ivy couldn't focus on her task with all the distractions.  She stopped weaving her vines through the factory and instead wrapped Joker in her vines.  She decided it was time to get the Joker out of the way.  Maybe let Harley run his enterprises instead.  She pulled Joker towards her.  Joker seemed to be enjoying himself.  The vines didn't seem to bother him at all, nor the fact that he was being pulled to his demise.  Harley and Selina were preoccupied with the Bat and didn't seem to be aware of the Joker's predicament.  Ivy brought Joker's face down to his and threaded her fingers around his neck.  She had to admit a certain appreciation for his green hair as she pushed her lips against his.

Joker yanked his arms free of her vines and grabbed her head, gripping locks of her wavy, red hair in each hand as he took over and shoved his tongue into Ivy's mouth aggressively.  Ivy fought to pull away, alarmed.  This had never happened to her before.  Barely a peck from her would have most people catatonic.  She shoved at Joker's chest and struggled away from his mouth.  Finally, he released her and allowed himself to be pulled away by her vines as he laughed.  He rubbed the corner of his mouth with the pad of his thumb and looked at Ivy who stared aghast at his apparent immunity.

"I suppose you're alright, but you've got nothin' on Harley.  Girl's got a magic mouth."  Ivy wiped the back of her hand over her mouth and tried to slow her panicked heart.\

"How?"  She asked.  Joker raised a non-existent eyebrow at her.  
"Hmm?"  He asked.

"How are you not under my control?" She demanded.  Joker shrugged.

"I'm immune to just about every toxin there is.  You're nothin' compared to what I've been dosed with."  Joker laughed and glanced over at the fight happening five feet from them.  Most of his henchmen were unconscious and Joker rolled his eyes in annoyance.  "Speaking of toxins."  He pulled what looked like a grenade from his pocket, hit a button on the top and tossed it over into the middle of the brawl.  Frost grabbed Harley and hauled her over towards Joker as smoke began to pour out of the canister.

Frost quickly climbed down the ropes they had used to get up to the roof and turned on the car after passing Harley to Joker.  Joker watched as his toxins began to work their magic.  Batman coughed a few times before laughing.  Soon, everyone engaged in the rooftop brawl was rolling with laughter.  Batman recognized the symptoms and hurried from the roof throwing a cackling Selina over his shoulder as he went.  Ivy yelled in frustration.  Her entire plan.  Her weeks of work.  Everything went up in flames.  She watched angrily from her place on the roof as Joker shoved Harley into the backseat of a purple Charger and they sped away.  Departing in the opposite direction was the Batmobile with Bruce and Selina stowed inside.


	12. Forgive and Forget

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Harley and Joker return home and have Joker's long awaited discussion. Meanwhile, Batman gives Catwoman the antidote to Joker's laughing gas.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is doubly smutty. You've been told.

Chapter 12

"I'm disappointed in you, Harley.  Running off with strangers and tangling with the Bat.  What were you thinking?"  Joker demanded.  The ride home had been eerily quiet.  Harley stared out the window and refused to meet Joker's eyes.  He assumed she was repenting.  Knowing she had upset him and was trying to get back on his good side.  He wasn't going to let her off again, however, so as soon as the doors opened into the living room Joker had started in on her. 

Harley slipped out of the boots Selina had stolen for her and trudged bare foot to the couch.  She made no indication that she had heard Joker which only served to irritate him.  She sat down and stared at the wall.  Joker stepped into her line of vision and leaned down so they were eye level.

"Hello?  Harley?  What have you got to say for yourself?"  Joker demanded.  "It had better be a damn good apology, too."  That seemed to snap something in Harley as she came back to life, frothing with rage.

" _Me_ apologize to  _you_?" She screeched.  Joker was taken aback by her sudden tone.  He narrowed his eyes at her.  He didn't want another fight so soon.  Why couldn't she just apologize so they could be done with it.

"Yes, Harley.  You went out half-dressed and unarmed in Gotham.  It took months to track you down the last time you got locked away.  I may not be inclined to spend that kind of time on you again.  Besides that, you screened my phone calls when you were out.  You got one of my goons killed and got in a tangle with Batman himself.  If I hadn't shown up, you probably would've wound up back in the freak factory with your sideshow buddies."  Harley's hands curled into tight fists.  Her manicured fingernails dug into her palms drawing blood.

"So what?  I can take care of myself.  I was managing Batsy just fine before you showed up to distract me.  And I  _like_ my friends.  I'll hang out with them whenever I want.  There are plenty of times you don't even want me around.  And it is  _you_ that should be begging forgiveness, Mister."  Harley snarled.  Joker bared his teeth.

"What have  _I_ got to apologize for?"  Harley stomped her foot.

"I  _saw_ you!  You made out with Ivy barely three feet away from me!  So tell me how long you two've been screwin' anyway?  That must be why she always tells me I oughtta leave you.  She wants you all to herself."  Joker put a hand in his hair.

"She tried to poison me, Harley.  And what do you mean she's been telling you to leave me?  There's no way that's happening."  Harley scowled and crossed her arms.

"I don't think I believe you.  It took almost a year for you to find me.  I'm sure you were having loads of fun without me.  Just be fair and tell me when it all started."  Joker pulled his hands down his face and rolled his eyes.  He stepped forward and put his hands on Harley's shoulders and looked her in the eyes.

"The fun started long before you got shipped off to Belle Reve, Harleykins."  Joker told her seriously.  Harley's eyes widened and she started to pull away.  Joker held tight.  "It started one night when I was brought in to Arkham Asylum for the Criminally Insane and laid eyes on the most captivating woman in my entire life.  The only woman that would ever matter to me."  Harley's eyes went soft.  Tears pooled in them but didn't fall.  Harley smiled and nodded as she wrapped her arms around Joker and buried her face in his neck.

"I'm sorry I didn't come home right away."  She murmured against his shoulder, "And I'm sorry I didn't answer when you called.  I really wanted to."  Joker slowly returned her embrace as she continued her apology.  "And I'm sorry I keep running around without a proper outfit on.  And I'm sorry I didn't take my bat or my hammer with."  

"Gun." Joker said.  Harley nodded.

"Yeah.  Or my gun.  I love my gun."  Harley pulled back so she could look Joker in the eyes.  "I love you, too."  The corner of Joker's mouth twitched in a half smile.

"Likewise." He said softly before gently touching his lips to hers.  Harley immediately responded.  It had been three days since she had felt Joker's touch and three days was long enough for her.  Joker tugged the borrowed white t-shirt from her body and shoved the shorts down her smooth legs.  As he did, Harley worked at his clothing.  His jacket and shirt fell to the ground behind him and she quickly undid his belt and the buttons on his pants.  All the while, their lips never left each others, greedily and frantically pressing themselves into the other.

Once the clothes were done with, Joker slid his hands down Harley's flawlessly smooth back and gripped her plump cheeks in his hands.  Harley squealed in pleasure as he lifted her easily and she quickly wrapped her legs around his hips locking her ankles together.  Harley broke away to gasp for air as he buried himself inside her.  The familiar pressure made Harley moan and Joker's already stiff dick grew impossibly harder.  He moved his mouth down to capture one of her smooth, pink nipples between his teeth.  He licked and sucked at it before rolling it between his teeth.  Harley cried out as he pressed her back against the wall and thrust into her.  He kept one hand firmly on her buttocks to keep her steady as he rocked into her and used the other on her clit.  Harley dug her fingers into Joker's back and pressed him closer to her as she lost herself in her climax.

Joker pulled his head up and found her lips again.  She kissed him lazily, still reeling from her climax as he emptied himself into her.  They both gasped for air as Joker slowly withdrew from her and set her down.  She panted for a moment and caught her breath before she pushed past him and walked into the bedroom.  A few seconds later, Joker heard the shower turn on and he decided to follow her in.  Harley was standing under the spray as Joker pulled the curtain away and slipped behind Harley.  He picked up a loofah and squeezed a generous amount of soap onto it before gently rubbing it up and down Harley's back.

After they were both clean, they decided it was time to get dirty again.

* * *

 

"OWWWW!"  Selina yowled as Bruce stuck her with the anti-toxin.  She rubbed her neck and gave him an accusatory glare.  Alfred Pennyworth repressed a smile and shook his head.  He held as much amusement for her as he held distrust.  Still, he recognized the positive influence she had on Bruce whenever she was around.  He was more relaxed and happy whenever she walked in the room and Alfred couldn't argue with that.

"Suck it up, Selina.  You've had worse."  Bruce said as he set the needle down.  Selina dropped her hand and hopped up on one of the counters in the Bat Cave.  She watched as Bruce pulled his armor off and set it in the case.  Alfred handed her a cup of hot tea and a biscuit which she accepted gladly.  He set the plate of biscuits and another cup of tea down beside Bruce before heading back to Wayne Manor's main floors.

"That's some bedside manner you've got there, Batsy.  No wonder you never went to med school." Selina retorted.  Bruce grunted in acknowledgement as he pulled his armored pants off and grabbed a pair of athletic pants.  Selina purred in appreciation and jumped from her perch, dropping her biscuit on the floor and sauntered over to Bruce.  His back was still turned to her and she slowly grazed the tips of her nails over his bare skin.  She smiled as she watched the muscles jump beneath her touch.  The thrill of knowing how much she could affect him with the smallest suggestion.  Bruce straightened and turned to grab her hand.

"How long have you been friends with Harley Quinn?"  He demanded making Selina raise her brows in surprise.  "I knew you had some sort of relationship happening with Pamela, but she's mostly harmless.  Quinn is another matter.  She's dangerous."  Selina slid her free hand along Bruce's thick thigh in long, slow circles.

"I can be dangerous, too, Brucie." Selina purred as she leaned forward.  Bruce pulled away from her advances and gave her a hard look.

"This is serious, Selina." Selina tugged her hand from his grip and crossed her arms.

"You don't get to have a say in who I'm friends with.  I do what I want and so do you.  Isn't that why you said we would never work out?"  Bruce looked away.

"All Harley needs to do is indicate our involvement to Joker and he could use you as bait to get to me."  Bruce looked at the glass case that held Robin's old uniform with  _Jokes on You_ written on it in bright green spray paint.  Selina followed his eyes and felt a twinge of grief nudge in her gut.  "Or worse."  Selina put her hands on either side of Bruce's face and forced him to look back at her.

"Hey.  I can take care of myself.  Besides, Harley and I are friends.  I doubt she'd let Joker do anything untoward to me."  Bruce covered her hands with his own.

"You don't know that.  Harley is just a toy to the Joker.  Her opinions and feelings don't factor into his decisions like you may think."  He whispered to her.  Selina cocked an eyebrow at him and smirked.

"And what about you?" She asked.  Bruce leaned back a bit.

"What?"  He asked.  Selina rose up on her tip toes.

"Do  _my_ opinions and feelings matter to you?"  Bruce stared at her heavy lidded, vibrant green eyes and leaned down to her.

"Sometimes they are the only things that matter to me."  He told her before kissing her.  Selina wrapped herself around him bringing her legs up and around his waist.  He walked, still kissing her, to the elevator to take them up to his bedroom.  Selina broke their kiss and nuzzled his neck as she peppered kisses across his bare shoulder.  His hand firmly gripped the back of her neck and he slid his hand between them to find the zipper to her body suit.  As the doors opened, he froze.  Selina noticed his tension and turned her head to look behind them at Alfred.  His cheeks had gone pink as he took in the pair.  Alfred coughed demurely and excused himself from the room.  Selina turned back to Bruce and laughed.

"Talk about a buzz kill." She said.  Bruce squeezed the tender flesh beneath his hand and pulled her head back down.  Selina smiled as she met his mouth with her own.  "Maybe not." She mumbled against his lips.  Bruce rushed them the privacy of his bedroom before sliding the zipper down on Selina's bodysuit and peeling it away from her slender shoulders.  He groaned as he kissed down her neck and teased her supple breasts.  Selina dug her nails into his back as he worked his way further down her body.  Selina kicked her boots off as he unsnapped her belt and tossed it on the floor.  She lifted her hips to help him slip her suit off and then that, too, was dropped onto the floor.

Bruce brushed his fingers against her moist flesh and trailed after with his tongue.  Selina moaned loudly, her back arched as he worked her into a climax.  He disappeared for a second as he pulled a condom out of his night stand, but Selina stopped him before he could put it on.  She flipped him onto his back and slowly dragged her claws down his chest, gently, but enough to bring goosebumps to his skin.  She rubbed her face against his abdomen before sitting back and taking him between her lips.  Bruce ran a hand over her shoulders as she sucked hungrily at him.  Feeling himself growing closer, he pulled Selina away and slid the condom on with one hand while rolling Selina back over until he was back on top.

Selina smiled up at him and licked her lips.  "Bruce." She murmured and he kissed her hard as he shoved himself inside her.  It didn't take long for him to lose himself inside her.  She purred contentedly as she curled beside him and he lightly rubbed her back.  Through a small break in the drawn curtains, the sun could be seen ascending the skies.  Selina sighed and kissed Bruce's jaw before laying her head on his shoulder and shutting her eyes.  

Just before sleep took her Bruce murmured, "You really need to cut ties with Harley."  Selina opened her eyes and looked up at Bruce.

"Let's not ruin a good time, Brucie." She told him before promptly falling asleep on his shoulder.


	13. Regurgitated Repression

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Harley and Joker are forced to deal with what happened while Harley was away.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *TRIGGER WARNING* Thoughts of/attempt at suicide.

Chapter 13

He was staring at her again.  Her curly hair spread in a pink and blue halo on the pillow, her ROTTEN. tattoo hidden by the fluffy, white pillow.  Her hand was curled up beside her cheek and he noted that she was in need of a manicure.  Poison Ivy hadn't allotted much time for pampering the past few days he assumed.  He needed to get up soon.  Now that Batman had seen Harley's return for himself, he was certain it wouldn't be long before he came looking.  Joker needed to make sure he got too busy looking elsewhere first.  But this is what she did to him.

He loved and hated the effect she had on him.  She was a distraction.  She made it impossible for him to get anything done without at least twenty interruptions.  At the same time, he found it impossible to do anything without her around.  He had tried.  He had spent nearly a year without her and reveled in all he could accomplish without her barging in and prattling on about some inane thing.  Or seducing him which usually made him lose hours of productivity.  Still, every time he went back to work after a particularly wild romp in the sheets, he found he didn't have to work as hard to get what he wanted.  She was the thorn in his heart and the blossom in his soul.  She was his distraction and his clarity.   He was the most notorious villain in all of Gotham.  He could strike terror in the hearts and minds of anybody with a simple smile.  And then he met her.

Of course he was still the Clown Prince of Gotham.  The most feared person in the world.  His connections were limitless and unknown.  He thought nothing had changed after Harley.  Sure, his workers had begun dying at a more frequent rate, but that was inconsequential.  His businesses were flourishing.  Harley fell into step with him and quickly excelled.  She was eager to please and eager to  _be_ pleased.  Joker was at the top of the game.  No one could challenge him.  But the fall from the top is that much harder.  He was unshakeable.  Then Harley was gone.  And at first it was nothing.  He continued to create chaos.  But the true chaos had begun to rage in him and he couldn't get it out.  She wasn't at Arkham.  She wasn't at Blackgate.  He stormed them both.

He confronted Batman.  He bombed three police precincts in one night.  He demanded retribution.  And after a month long siege on Gotham, the police force, and Batman himself, Joker acknowledged that they knew nothing.they couldn't help him find Harley anymore than they could make her absence sting less.  He sent Frost on a mission to find her while he holed himself away in one of his many hideaways.  Every few weeks he would emerge and the immense death toll would throw his name back into the media's eye.  It kept his influence from waning while his mind and spirit did.  He created chaos without the same cathartic results.  Other criminals began conferring their opinions.  It was Two-Face that implied he was ripe for a take-over of the hostile variety.  Something he surely regretted now.

Harley let out a small sigh and Joker reached out and touched the back of his fingers against her smooth cheek.  Her brows drew together and she breathed in deeply.  Joker froze thinking she had woken up.  Instead, she nestled her head deeper into the pillow and shoved her hand under her head.  Joker let out a breath and moved his hands slowly down her face to her neck before turning his hand over and massaging her shoulder.  He felt her muscles tighten under his touch and her body trembled with a low growl.

"You better be prepared to lose that arm, buster." She spit.  Joker didn't move, but his forehead wrinkled as he tried to make sense of what she'd just said.

"Excuse me?"  He asked, his voice thick and heavy with sleep.  In one fluid move, Harley's hand snapped out and grabbed Joker by the throat while the rest of her body rolled the two of them with considerable force off the bed and onto the floor.  Joker grunted as his back and head hit the ground and Harley straddled him.  One knee was pressed into his gut and her leg was twisted around his legs, the other knee was on his left arm, immobilizing him.  Harley's right hand squeezed around his throat while the other brandished a knife.   _When had she grabbed that_? Joker wondered.  "Harley." He gasped.  Her eyes were wide open, but they were wildly unfocused.  Joker realized that she wasn't here.  She was fighting someone else.  Protecting herself from someone else.  Someone from Belle Reve if he had to guess.

Joker grabbed the back of Harley's neck with his free hand, pulling her tangled hair in the process.  Harley dug her knee into his gut as he forced her head down until her lips smashed onto his.  For a long moment nothing changed.  Then, slowly, Harley's grip on his neck loosened and she returned the kiss.  Joker released her neck and grabbed her wrist to make sure she didn't get any ideas with that knife of hers.  Harley pulled back and blinked down at her.  She took in their position and the situation and he watched panic set in as she realized what must have happened.  She stood up quickly and Joker let her go.

"Puddin'?  I-I'm sorry.  I wasn't... I didn't think you were...." Harley put the back of her hand to her mouth and stared at the knife in her hand.  She shook her head before turning and disappearing into the bathroom.  Joker growled and slammed his fist into the floor as he lie on his back.  They hadn't talked much about their time apart.  Harley had wasted no time in filling him in on how she had tangled with a slimy goddess and won, but said little about her time in the prison.  Joker had said nothing.  He refused to admit how much her absence had affected him.  He had hoped that everything would just return to normal.  But that would evidently not be happening.  He snarled as he pushed himself off the floor and followed Harley into the bathroom.

She was sitting in the tub in a fetal position.  Her back was to him and she rocked herself slightly in the empty bathtub.  Joker twisted his mouth in a thoughtful frown as he debated his action.  He hated dealing with tears of any kind.  Especially Harley's.  He watched her shoulders shake slightly and made up his mind as he crawled into the tub behind her and pulled her onto his lap.  She said nothing as she buried her face into his bare chest.  Her arms were locked around herself and he smoothed a hand over her hair and the other down her back.  Harley didn't cry noisily.  At least not when she was truly hurting.  Joker rocked them both and waited for her shaking to stop.

"Still mad about last night?" Joker asked lightly in an attempt to bring some humor to this pathetic situation.  Harley shook her head against his chest, smearing her wet tears against his skin.  He let out a breath.  "Did you mistake me for your goddess, then?"  Harley squeezed her arms and shook her head again.  Joker pushed her hair back and looked down at her face.  Her eyes were closed tight and her cheeks glistened with her silent tears.  "Tell me who you were trying to kill, Poo."  Harley's bottom lip quivered as she worked out what she was going to say.

"Oh, Mista J," she said in a forced voice, "I just had a dream about some of those Belle Reve gents."  She shoved out a laugh and gave Joker a smile.  Joker stuck his tongue in his cheek as he processed.

"Guards or prisoners?"  He demanded.  Harley rubbed fist over her cheek to rid herself of some of those pesky tears.

"Guards.  They wouldn't let me near the other prisoners."  Joker's arms tightened around her.  "They thought they could handle me, I guess." She forced out another laugh, but Joker was silent.

"Could they?"  He asked quietly.  Harley dropped her fake smile and focused on the drain at the far end of the tub.  Her face was a crumpled contortion of rage, shame, and agony.

"Only when they cheated."  She admitted in a small voice.  Joker's fingers dug into Harley's skin and she winced, but Joker didn't notice.  He was caught in his rage.  He wanted revenge on the men who had thought themselves worthy of Joker's girl.  He wanted revenge on Batman for letting her get dumped in that godforsaken hole.  He wanted revenge on that bitch Waller who thought she could keep Harley away from him.  He wanted to pummel Harley for not knowing how to swim and getting herself caught.

But the men were probably long dead after the breakout and he knew he could never really bring himself to kill Batsy.  And Harley was doing a pretty bang up job of pummeling herself just now.  As for Waller, well she was untouchable so far.  But Joker would find a way to her.  He always did.

As much as he tried to escape it, there was a small part of Joker that knew he had a share of the blame.  He should have stayed and engaged the Bat.  He should have gone back for her sooner.  He should have done more to make sure Harley stayed where she belonged.  But blaming himself would accomplish nothing.  So he focused his blame on everyone else.

"Cheated."  Joker said.  Harley's shaking returned, but Joker untangled himself from her and stepped out of the tub.  Harley pressed her hand against her mouth to quiet a sob that was creeping up from her chest.  Joker pushed his hands through his hair and disappeared into the bedroom to get dressed.  Harley didn't move from the tub.  She didn't look up as Joker stepped back into the doorway fully clothed with his jacket on.  He watched her for a moment before leaving without a word.

When the elevator dinged its arrival, Harley let out the sobs she held in around Joker.  She knew he hated the sound.  He hated crying in general.  And Harley hated herself.  She was sure Joker wouldn't ask about her jail time as long as she never brought it up.  She had figured everything would be swept under the rug.  She never needed to think about it again and her Puddin' never needed to know.  Her body seemed to have other ideas.  She supposed holding a knife to Joker's throat while half asleep was as good as a neon sign as far as bringing it up.  Harley bit her cheek hard enough to draw blood.   _Maybe I'll drown myself in my own blood._  She thought.  She wanted to die.

Her eyes landed on the knife she had been holding in her fugue state.  The silver blade and red and blue handle stood out against the smooth, white porcelain.  She picked it up and ran her thumb over the side of the blade.  It was sharp.   _Would you die for me_?  Harley squeezed her eyes shut against the memory.   _Yes_.  She brought the knife to her neck.   _That's too easy_.  She took a deep breath.   _Would you live for me_?  She bit her lower lip as another tear forced its way out from between her eye lids and dropped down her cheek.   _Yes_.  She dropped the knife back into the tub and stood.  She couldn't kill herself.  She stepped out of the tub and moved to get dressed.  

She had made a promise.


	14. Recon and Spilled Secrets

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Joker begins to formulate a plan to keep Batman from targeting Harley again. Harley gets to spy with her Puddin'.

Chapter 14

"We aren't going to the clubs tonight, Harley.  I have to do a little reconnaissance."  Joker told her as he picked out a nice suit.  Harley's post traumatic episode was kicked under the rug.  They hadn't discussed Louisiana since the bathtub and they were both content with it.  Harley hung upside down in their big leather armchair and watched him get dressed.  She tilted her head a bit and gave him a quizzical look.

" _You_ are doing recon?  What for?  Send one of the goonies to do it."  She demanded.  Joker disappeared into the closet and began digging around for something.

"It's something I need to see for myself.  Need to make a decision.  Make up my mind."  He had stopped talking to her and was talking to himself instead.  Harley rolled off the armchair and stood up.  Joker came back out, his fingers working the buttons through the holes in his shirt as he walked.  Harley came to stand in front of him and watched as he finished buttoning his shirt and wrapped a tie around his neck.  Harley took the tie from him and worked on tying it around his neck.

"Where are you goin' that you gotta be this gussied up for?"  Harley asked him as she finished tightening the tie and he grabbed his suit coat to put on.  Joker paused and looked her up and down thoughtfully.

"Why?  Do you wanna come?" Harley's eyes lit up and she gave him her best smile.

"Oh, Mista J!  Do ya mean it?"  Joker touched her shoulders and smiled.

"Only if you get dressed lickity split."  Harley squealed in excitement and dashed into the closet to find her perfect outfit.  She tossed a couple evening gowns to the side until she landed on a shiny black and red floor length evening gown with lace sleeves and a slit up the side that went all the way to the hip.  She quickly tugged on a pair of fishnet stockings before shimmying herself into the tight fitting dress.  She grabbed a pair of bright red stilettos before returning to the bedroom where Joker was sliding his favorite guns into his shoulder holster.  Harley turned around and lifted her hair off her neck.

"Little help, Puddin'?"  Joker looked up, a small growl of appreciation slipping between his lips as he moved to lace up the back.  He tied the corset top as tightly as he could and Harley gave a purr of her own.  Joker dragged his fingers down her body until he reached the slit and slipped his hand under the silky fabric.  Harley leaned her head back against his chest and he put his nose in her hair and breathed deeply.  Harley's eyes fluttered shut and she ground her butt against him.  He froze.  His hands dropped away from her and he stepped back making Harley stumble.

"Are you ready to go?  You're going to make me late.  In that case I'll just leave you here."  Harley walked over to the vanity and pulled a brush through her hair before twisting it up in a bun.  When that was finished, she got set on her make-up.  She colored one eye lid black and the other red to match her dress and colored her lips bright red to match her Puddin's.  Harley turned and beamed at Joker.

"Whaddya think?"  She asked him.  Joker grunted and jerked his head toward the door before walking to the elevator and hitting the button.  Harley slid her feet into her shoes and hurried after him.  The elevator doors opened and Harley jumped inside with Joker just before they closed.  She linked her arms with Joker's and leaned against his shoulder.  This was their first real outing since Harley had come back.  Sure, he had taken her to the clubs so she could dance while he did business, but he didn't keep them out long when he did.  This was going to be their first mission together.  She was excited.

"You gonna tell me where we're goin' now?" She asked as they climbed into a purple Porsche 911 Turbo Cabriolet.  Joker pushed the key into the ignition and turned the engine over as Harley swept her dress safely inside the car before closing the door.

"The Wayne Foundation is hosting a gala with all the rich brats congregated in one building.  It's the perfect opportunity for criminals all over Gotham."  Joker told her as they drove through the tunnel toward uptown Gotham.  "I have it on good authority that Penguin has something special planned."  Harley checked her freshly manicured nails as she listened.

"Are we helpin' him out or somethin'?" she asked.  Joker scoffed.

"Of course not.  We're going to watch and wait for Batsy to show up and maybe trail him back to his hideaway."  Harley frowned and looked at Joker.

"Didn't you try that before?" She asked.  Joker's hands clenched around the steering wheel and refused to answer.  Harley caught sight of the gala building and she wriggled excitedly in her seat before Joker turned down a side street and pulled the car into an underground parking garage.  Harley's brows knit together and she looked at Joker.  "Ain't we goin' inside?"  She demanded.  Joker rolled his eyes and looked at her.

"Not yet, Poo.  We came for reconnaissance, remember?" Harley nodded and followed him out of the car.  He reached into the trunk and pulled out a small brown bag before taking Harley's hand and leading her up three flights of stairs before she stopped to take off her shoes.  Joker waited irritably as she pulled her stilettos off before dragging her up another four flights until they reached a wide, empty room with two chairs set up facing the window.  Between the chairs was a small table with two champagne glasses filled halfway with grape soda.  Joker took one of the seats and gestured to the other for Harley.  Harley sat down and dropped her shoes on the floor beside the chair.

"I got all dressed up and no one's even gonna see me." She pouted as Joker opened his bag and withdrew a pair of binoculars.  He offered them to Harley who accepted them as he pulled a second pair from the bag and dropped it on the floor.  He wasted no time in looking through the lenses and taking in the sights.  Harley took a drink of grape soda before pressing the binoculars to her made-up eyes and looking through the window at the crowd of glamorous people flocking into the building below.

"The guys in the tuxedos with red bow ties are Penguins men."  Joker informed her.  She looked and counted out four men with red bow ties.  She watched as two broke off and disappeared into the alley while the other two headed inside to mingle with the wealth already present.  Harley's attention was quickly stolen by the women in the room.  She eyed their gowns and jewelry enviously.  She grabbed her drink and swallowed the last of it before returning to her people watching.  Just in time for the crowd to go wild as a dark car pulled up to the entrance and the driver got out to open the back door.

"That's Bruce Wayne," Harley said.  Joker smiled and nodded.  Bruce straightened his jacket before leaning back down to the car and offering his hand to someone inside.  As the woman accepted his hand and stepped out, Harley's stomach flipped.  "That's Selina."  She announced quietly.  Joker turned and looked at her curiously.  Harley wasn't paying attention.  She took in Selina's outfit and everything in her behavior.  She wore a sleek black gown with a white fur shawl and black heels that Harley desperately needed in her collection.  As she straightened from the car, Bruce Wayne leaned down and whispered something in her ear.  Selina rolled her eyes and smiled.  She said something in response before tapping the tip of his nose with her index finger and sauntering inside without waiting for him.  Harley laughed.

"Who is she?"  Joker demanded.  He didn't like being left out of a joke.  Harley barely heard him as she watched Selina dance around the hall, pocketing a gold tennis bracelet here and a priceless Rolex there.  Bruce Wayne was trailing after her, but every few steps he was ambushed by a business partner, wealthy widow, or fellow social elite.  He kept his eyes on her, watching her move through the crowd just as Harley was.  "Harley."  Joker growled, snapping Harley to attention.  She looked over at Joker who was scowling at her.

"What?"  She asked innocently.

"Who is that woman?"  Joker repeated impatiently.

"Selina?  You met her."  Joker widened his eyes and signaled for Harley to elaborate.

"She was on the rooftop at the factory when you kissed Ivy."  Harley frowned at the memory and brought the binoculars back to her eyes.  Bruce had finally caught up with Selina and had a tight hold on her arm.  Selina was laughing and she downed another glass of champagne as Bruce chastised her from what Harley could see.  Selina didn't seem bothered by her scolding as she traded her empty champagne flute for a full one as the waiter walked by.  Another woman walked up and engaged Bruce in conversation and Selina said something to the woman that made Bruce Wayne's cheeks brighten.  He gave the woman a tight smile before dragging Selina away and whispering something else in her ear.  Selina pulled back and told him something in response before kissing his cheek.  Harley watched her slide her hand over his shoulders and down his chest seductively and Harley had to wonder if Batman knew what his competition was.

"I don't remember her being there."  Joker said.  Harley rolled her eyes.

"Yeah, probably 'cause you were too busy suckin' face with Ivy." Joker grabbed Harley's wrist and forced her to look at him.  Harley stopped smiling.

"We've been over this.  Your green friend tried to poison me.  I am not shacking up with Mistress Save-the-Trees.  I can barely handle one girlfriend, you think I'm going to burden myself with another?"  Harley looked at the floor and shook her head.  "Now tell me about Selina."  Harley shrugged.

"I only met her a week ago, but she's real cool.  We're buddies.  She's the one who went out and got me the clothes I was wearin' when you picked me up that night.  She's a burglar.  Really good one, too."  Harley answered.  "She helped me kick Batman's butt, that's for sure.  Although I guess she has an unfair advantage." She mused.  Joker was staring at the woman through his binoculars.

"Advantage?  In what way, killer?" Joker seemed almost insulted that Harley would insinuate any sort of inferiority to any other Gotham villain.  Harley shrugged.

"She's had the Bats in the sack.  I'm sure that gives her some sort of insider knowledge if anything does."  Joker dropped his binoculars and crawled onto the arm of Harley's chair.  He grabbed her face with both hands and pulled her head up until it was inches from his.

"You're telling me that that woman is Batman's girlfriend?" Harley shook her head as much as she could in her position.

"No.  Not really.  She says they just screw occasionally.  That's why she's here with Bruce Wayne.  I'll bet B-man doesn't look that good in a tux."  Joker smashed his lips against hers, silencing her.

"Oh, Harls," he cried with glee as he broke away, "you've just given me exactly what I've been looking for!"  Joker released her and pulled his cell phone out of his pocket and called Frost.

"I have?"  Harley asked as she followed him to the stairs.  She took a step down, stopped, and ran back to her chair to grab her shoes.  "Wait up, Puddin'!  What'd I give ya?" She yelled as she chased Joker down the stairs.  She had a sinking feeling that she wasn't going to get to dance with her Puddin' tonight.


	15. How to Kidnap Friends and Slaughter People

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Joker and Harley kidnap Selina Kyle while Bruce Wayne watches helplessly. Good fun. Nice times.

Chapter 15

Frost and about twenty of Joker's goons were waiting at the Porsche by the time Joker and Harley got there.  Harley had to stop and put her shoes back on before they stepped into the garage so she was a few steps behind Joker.  He was talking to Frost as she walked up.  Frost was nodding and he turned and sent four of the men out for a pre-attack.  The rest were given their instructions and Frost straightened his jacket and walked out of the building towards the gala.  Finally, Joker turned to Harley.

"What's goin' on, Mista J?" Harley asked as she crossed her arms over her chest.  Joker grabbed her hand and tugged her out of the garage after Frost heading toward the gala.

"We're gonna go get your friend."  Harley dug her heels in and dragged Joker to a stop.  Angry, he turned to her and tugged on her hand.  "Let's go, Harley."

"No!" Harley argued, stomping her foot.  "She's my friend!  You ain't hurtin' her!"  Joker rubbed his fingers into his eyes and groaned.

"I'm not going to hurt her.  I just need to borrow her for a bit to get Batman's attention."  Harley frowned at him with suspicion.

"You promise?"  Harley asked.  Joker rolled his eyes.

"Yes, yes, yes.  Alright?"  Harley shook her head and stomped her foot again.

"No!  You gotta say it.  And you better mean it, Mister!" Joker growled and curled his free hand into a tight fist.

"I  _promise_ I won't hurt your friend.  Now, we need to go.  This is happening with or without you."  Harley nodded, but she was still pouting.  Selina was a new friend.  Harley didn't have many friends to begin with and now she was going to potentially lose another.

Gun shots broke the cheeriness of the event and screams rang out.  While the sound usually held a certain thrill for Harley, she couldn't seem to lift her spirits.  She blamed the knot in her stomach.  Joker wove them through the throngs of frightened upper class and dropped her hand as they reached their destination.  Harley couldn't meet Selina's eyes so she watched Bruce Wayne instead.  She was surprised to find that he didn't have the same look of unbridled terror smeared on his face.  He looked angry.  Determined.  Maybe even murderous.   _Interesting_.  Harley thought.

"Good evening boys and girls!"  Joker called out as he approached Bruce and Selina.  Harley hung back and pulled her gun from her thigh holster.  Her toes were wet, might as well dive in.  "Now don't worry, we aren't here to-" She turned to the old man staring wide-eyed at her from about four feet away and shot him in the head.  His body dropped to the ground as Joker finished his sentence. "Hurt you."  He turned and gave Harley a look, "What did you do that for?"

Harley shrugged, "I didn't like the way he was oglin' me."  Joker rolled his eyes and sucked in a breath. 

"Sorry about that.  Can't take her anywhere, ya know?" He laughed.  "Now, nobody else will die so long as you all follow my instructions explicitly and no one tried to be a hero."  Harley glanced over at Bruce whose hands were clenched in tight fists.  The muscle in his jaw jumped and the veins in his neck stood out.  Selina was looking back and forth between Harley and Joker with interest.

"What do you want?"  Bruce asked between clenched teeth.  Joker smiled and threw his arm around Bruce's broad shoulders.  He patted Bruce on the chest like they were old buddies.

"I am  _so_ glad you asked, Brucie!" Joker laughed.  When Bruce didn't he sighed.  "We need to borrow your date."  He told him seriously.  Bruce's cold stare hardened.

"And if we refuse?" Bruce growled.  Joker's face contorted with confusion.  He pointed back at Harley with his thumb.

"Well, this one will go absolutely nutso on these poor unsuspecting victims.  Not to mention the Joker Bombs I have rigged around this place.  Everyone will be too busy dying from laughter to worry about who is where."  Joker patted Bruce's chest again and pushed away to walk toward Selina.  Bruce's hand snaked out and grabbed Joker to stop him.  "You know, this is the easy way.  My way is much more  _fun_."  Selina shook her head very slightly at Bruce before he let go.

"Harley," Selina said, "why are you doing this?"  Harley looked down at the ground and said nothing.

"Harley isn't calling the shots, sweetheart.  Now, would you be so kind as to follow us outside?"  Selina narrowed her eyes at Joker but did as he said.  Joker took Selina by the elbow in case she got any ideas and grabbed Harley's hand and led them outside where Frost was waiting with an SUV.  He gestured for Selina to get in and she did at the same time, another goon waiting in the backseat covered her mouth and nose with chloroform and she passed out.  The door shut and Frost drove away as another goon pulled up in Joker's Porsche and got out.  Joker patted the man on the shoulder as he slipped behind the wheel and Harley climbed into the passenger seat.  They drove in the opposite direction of the SUV with Selina inside.

They had barely reached the East Docks when Harley's phone rang.  She pulled it out of her hideaway and looked at the number.  She ground her teeth together as she debated whether or not to answer before hitting the button and bringing the phone to her ear.

"Red.  Haven't heard from you since you tried to snake my boyfriend."  Harley said in faux cheer.

"You kidnapped Selina?" She accused.

"You aren't even going to address the fact that you were mackin' on my man not a foot away from me?"  Harley argued.  The car dipped into the tunnel and the connection became little more than static.  Harley shook her head and ended the call.  Joker pulled into a parking spot and climbed out quickly.

"Why are we here?  I thought we kidnapped Selina to talk to her?"  Joker shook his head and called the elevator.  Harley followed him up to the apartment and slipped out of her shoes.  

"We kidnapped Selina so Batman would have to look for her."  Harley frowned.

"That'll take him like a second.  What good is that?"  Joker turned and put his hand to his forehead.

"It won't take him a second because she's not going to be in Gotham very much longer."  Harley's eyes widened.

"Hey!  You promised, J!"  Joker pulled his tied off and tossed it into a pile of dirty laundry on the floor.  He was really beginning to wonder if he hadn't killed his maid and forgot about it.

"She's not going to be hurt.  She's just going to get Batman off our case for a bit."  Harley crossed her arms and scowled.

"You better not have cost me my friend, Mista J."  Joker shook his head as he continued removing his clothing.  Harley stood by watching as he slowly discarded everything except his underwear.  Wait.  No.  Those were pulled off and tossed into the pile, too.  Harley's chest fluttered and she felt the familiar warmth grow between her legs.

"C'mere, baby."  He ordered in a low, husky voice.  Harley hesitated.  She was still mad at him, but she couldn't deny she wanted him, too.  She walked over and lifted her face to kiss him.  He lifted his chin and turned her around to unlace her dress.  Harley fought to get her arms out of the tight lace sleeves and tug it down her hips.  Joker slid his hands up from her hips, over her breasts, to wrap around her slim neck.  He jerked her head back against his bare chest and put his red lips next to her ear.  "You've been  _very_ bad tonight." Her growled as he applied a bit of pressure to her neck.  "Misbehaving at every turn." He tightened his grip some more.  "Talking back to me."  Harley moaned and he squeezed.  " _Questioning_ me." 

"Mmm, Daddy," she moaned.  She felt him stiffen against her back.  He released her neck and landed a hard smack on her ass.  She let out a sharp yelp and he struck her again.

"What do you have to say for yourself?"  Harley nuzzled her nose against Joker's neck.

"I'm sorry, Daddy.  I'll be better."  Joker smacked her ass a third time before pushing her towards the bed and crawling on top of her.  Joker's hands returned to her neck as she turned over.  His thumbs pressed under her jaw as he slammed his mouth into hers and pushed himself inside her in the same moment.  She arched her back and wrapped her legs around his hips as he thrust inside her.  He pulled back from her mouth and stared down at her as he squeezed her neck.  Harley closed her eyes, a small smile played at her lips.  Joker groaned as he came inside her.  He released her throat as he rolled off of her and lay panting on the bed beside her.

"Don't question my motives again, Harley." He ordered.  "I'm doing this for you after all."  Harley rolled onto her side to look at him.

"For me?"  She asked, "How?"  Joker covered his eyes with his arm.

"I just told you not to question me."  Harley flopped onto her back and stared up at the ceiling.

"You told me not to question your motives."  She replied.  Joker groaned.

"You are a pain in the ass, you know that?"  Harley smiled and nestled herself against his chest.

"Yeah, but I'm  _your_ pain in the ass, Puddin'."  Joker smiled slightly and wrapped his arms around Harley.

"Yeah, you are."  He replied, kissing her hair and rubbing her back.


	16. Gotham Dates Always End in Heartache

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Selina's kidnapping from Bruce and Selina's POV.

Chapter 16

"Where are you going?"  It was mid afternoon but the pair were just waking up.  "Stay and have breakfast."  Selina sighed and followed Bruce into the dining room and tossed herself into a chair.  Alfred was already there placing trays of food onto the table.  He had set two places for them before he excused himself.  Selina didn't think he had gotten over catching them in the act yet and wondered if he ever would.  Bruce began piling bacon, eggs, and croissants on his plate as Selina opted for the large bowl of strawberries in the middle of the table.  She set the bowl in her lap and plucked one out with her fingers and popped it in her mouth.

"You know I have other stuff to do, Brucie.  You can't keep me locked up here forever."  Bruce swallowed his bite of eggs and looked at her with wide, innocent eyes.

"I'm not keeping you locked up anywhere, Selina."  Selina scoffed and rolled her eyes.

"Yeah, whatever you say."  Bruce set down his fork and folded his hands in front of him.

"You are free to go whenever you'd like.  I apologize if anything I've done has made it seem otherwise."  Selina raised her eyebrows and pursed her lips at him.

"You must think I'm a real idiot."  Bruce's brow wrinkled together and he shook his head slightly.

"On the contrary, I have a very high regard for your intellect, Selina."  Selina huffed again.

"Well then don't insult it." Bruce frowned.  "Every time I've tried to leave for the past two days, you've either seduced me or preoccupied me in some other way.  You don't want me to leave.  Why?"  Bruce picked up his fork and pushed his eggs around his plate to avoid eye contact with her.  Selina set her bowl of strawberries on the table and crossed her arms over her chest.  The corner of Bruce's mouth twitched  like it did whenever he was caught doing something he knew he shouldn't be.

"That's not-"

"Don't you lie to me, Bruce Wayne."  Selina huffed.  Bruce's eyes lifted to hers for a second before darting back to stare at his barely touched breakfast.  He poked at his croissant with his fork.

"I just need to keep an eye on you for a while, okay?"  Bruce admitted quietly.  Selina leaned back in her seat and regarded Bruce carefully.  He was a large man, but in this moment he looked small.  As though terrified that she would bolt.

"Why?"  Selina asked as she grabbed another strawberry from the bowl.  Bruce cleared his throat and took a sip from his unappealingly green protein drink.

"I'm worried about Harley Quinn and the Joker."  Selina narrowed her eyes at him as she picked up another strawberry.

"And that worry has to do with me because...?"

"You know why."  Selina dropped the strawberry back into the bowl and stood up.  The chair scraped noisily against the floor as Bruce jumped up from his seat, too.

"I told you you didn't have a choice in who I'm friends with.  Why can't you just drop this?"  Bruce reached out and grabbed her hand.  He rubbed his thumb over the back of her hand slowly and stared down at her.  Choosing his words carefully.

"I know what Joker is capable of.  Getting close to someone as close to him as Harley is impossibly dangerous."  Bruce brought his other hand up and twisted a strand of her short, dark hair between his fingers.  "I'm afraid if I let you go now I will never see you again."  Selina nuzzled his hand and looked up at him with a small smile.

"If you never see me again it won't be because of Joker or Harley or any other friends I make." Bruce leaned down and kissed her softly.  Someone coughed behind them and Bruce lifted his head to look up at Alfred.  Selina frowned at him and took a step back from Bruce.

"Master Wayne, will Miss Kyle be joining you for the gala tonight?"  Bruce looked confused and Alfred sighed.  "The Wayne Foundation Gala, sir?  The profits go to the Gotham City Orphanage."  Bruce's eyes widened in surprise and he rubbed his hand down his jaw.

"Right, right the Wayne Gala."  He turned to Selina, "Would you like to go with me?"  He asked.  Selina quirked an eyebrow at him and smirked.

"Is this another trick to keep me in your sights and away from Harley?"  Bruce held out his hand to her.

"Of course not.  I had completely forgotten about the event, but I have to make an appearance.  It is the Wayne Foundation Gala and I  _am_ the face of Wayne Corporations."   Bruce shrugged, "If it happens to keep you out of Joker and Harley's psychotic grasps so be it."  Selina took his hand and flashed her teeth at him.

"Convenient." 

* * *

 

The gala was well underway by the time Alfred pulled up outside.  Paparazzi were still crowded around the banquet hall, dying to snap a photo of some Gotham City socialite on a bender.  As Alfred got out to open the door, Selina observed the crowd through the tinted window.  So many easy targets.  It would be like taking candy from babies.  Half of the well-to-do were already drunk and the rest were well on their way.  Bruce crawled out of the car and swarms of cameras swung in his direction.  Selina could hear people chanting his name as he ducked back down and offered his hand to her.  She accepted his help and stood up beside him.

She was wearing a very expensive gown and the best shoes she'd ever worn, all purchased by Bruce.  He had a seamstress bring all of her finest gowns to the mansion and let Selina pick out whichever she desired.  Ordinarily, Selina was against charity, but she figured Bruce owed her.  She wasn't going to be kept under house arrest and get nothing out of it.  As she stood, Bruce leaned down and whispered in her ear, "Try not to steal anything, Selina.  This is a charity event."  Selina smiled and moved away.

"Am I not worthy of their charity, Brucie?"  She asked as she tapped the tip of his nose with her newly manicured finger.  Bruce frowned at her as she danced away, disappearing into the gala.  She stopped at the bar and grabbed a glass of champagne before making her way through the crowd.  By the time she had reached the other end of the reception hall, her small bag was ten times heavier.

"Selina." Bruce hissed as he grabbed her arm.  He tugged her over to one of the large pillars almost making her spill the champagne out of her glass.  She pursed her lips at Bruce before throwing back the champagne as he chastised her.  "You need to return everything you've taken.  Don't make me regret bringing you out with me."  Selina saw a passing waiter carrying more flutes of champagne and exchanged her empty glass for a full one.  She took a sip from it and eyed Bruce.

"You would have made it your mission to get me to come anyway, Bruce.  Don't act like I  _really_ had a choice.  You and I both know you would have kept pushing until I agreed to come with you."  Selina retorted.

"Mister Wayne!"  An older woman greeted jovially.  Bruce turned to her and took her hand to shake.

"Mrs. Rathmussin, it is always a pleasure to see you."  Bruce told her.  Mrs. Rathmussin spared little more than a glance at Selina before returning her eyes to Bruce.

"We don't get to see you out much.  Such a shame, too.  Martin and I were hoping to introduce you to our grand-niece, Kielly.  Crazy girl, that one, runs around all hours of the night doing god knows what." She admitted.

"Oh, it's probably nothing compared to what this one gets up to at night," Selina told her, "all the leather and ropes and scantily clad women.  Sometimes men."  Selina faked a shiver and nudged Bruce in the ribs.  Mrs. Rathmussin's eyes widened as they darted back and forth between the two before she excused herself and hurried away.  Bruce turned to Selina, his cheeks were an interesting shade Selina hadn't seen in years.  It made her smile.

"You must think you're so cute."  Bruce said gruffly.  "It wasn't funny.  Neither is stealing."  Selina downed the rest of her champagne and made to look for another glass, but Bruce grabbed the empty flute and set it on one of the tables and pulled her attention back to him.

"Listen, you made me come to this thing and I'm just trying to have a little fun. You're so paranoid."  Bruce put both hands over his face and groaned.

"You could have said no.  I wasn't going to force you here.  You aren't my prisoner, you're my friend."  Selina grabbed the front of his shirt in her hand and purred at him.

"I think it's safe to say we're more than  _friends_ , Brucie."  She purred.  Bruce covered her hand with his own and gave her a soft smile.

"Selina, I know you thi-" Gunshots rang out from every corner of the hall and Bruce released Selina and stepped back to assess the situation.  He thought he saw a man in a tux with a red bow-tie which was a trademark Penguin look, but the guy disappeared.  Everyone was screaming, but they weren't heading for the exits.  The gunmen had blocked every exit and stood guard.  Bruce's muscles tensed and he tried to find a way out of here that wouldn't alert to every upper class citizen in Gotham that he was secretly the Batman.  His stomach dropped as he caught sight of the neon green hair bobbing it's way through the crowd.

"Good evening, boys and girls!"  Joker cried gleefully as he stopped in front of Bruce and Selina.  Selina's eyes narrowed as her eyes landed on Harley.  She was in a floor length red and black dress and killer red stilettos.  She tried to get Harley's attention, but she wouldn't look at her.  Instead, she seemed to focus on Mister Torne who was ogling her exposed thigh.  "Now, don't worry, we aren't here to-"  a loud bang cut him off as Harley shot Mister Torne right between the eyes.  "Hurt you."  Joker finished as Torne's body fell limply to the ground.  Joker turned to Harley, "What did you do that for?"  He demanded.  Harley gave a small frown and shrugged.

"I didn't like the way he was oglin' me."  Bruce ground his teeth and gave Selina a look that said,  _I told you so_.  Selina rolled her eyes and huffed.  

_"_ Sorry about that.  Can't take her anywhere, ya know?" He cackled, "Now, nobody  _else_ will die so long as you all follow my instructions explicitly and no one tries to be a hero."  Selina eyed Bruce who looked like he was barely keeping it together.  

"What do you want?" Bruce demanded through clenched teeth.  Joker gave Bruce a wide smile and flung an arm around his shoulders.  Bruce was barely resisting the unbearable urge to punch Joker in the face.  He knew where this was going he just didn't know if he could stop it.

"So glad you asked, Brucie!" Joker announced gleefully.  He let out a laugh, but when nobody joined in he sighed and patted Bruce's broad chest.  "We need to borrow your date."  Joker informed him.  Bruce's fists were so tight that he was certain he'd broken skin with his nails.  He looked over at Selina who seemed more put out than terrified.

"And if we refuse?" Bruce goaded.  Selina was still trying to get Harley's attention, but Harley was looking everywhere but where Selina was.  Joker jerked his thumb over to Harley and stage-whispered conspiratorially.

"Well,  _this_ one will go absolutely nutso on these poor unsuspecting victims.  Not to mention the Joker Bombs I have rigged around this place.  Everyone will be too busy dying from laughter to worry about who is where."  Joker patted Bruce on the chest again before using him as a spring board and pushing himself over to Selina.  Before he got too close, Bruce reached out and grabbed Joker by the arm.  "You know," Joker confessed, " _this_ is the easy way.   _My_ way is much more  _fun_."  Bruce looked up to Selina who shook her head very slightly.  Bruce made her a promise with his eyes before he released Joker. 

"Harley, why are you doing this?" Harley met her eyes at last, but only for a split second before finding the ground again.

"Harley isn't calling the shots, sweetheart.  Now, would you be so kind as to follow us outside?"  Selina narrowed her eyes at Joker, but did as he asked.  His cold hand curled around her upper arm as he tugged her from the hall.  

_Just_ had _to prove him right, huh?_ Selina thought sourly,  _I am_ never _going to hear the end of this one._

Harley took Joker's hand and let him lead them both outside where Selina was dumped into a black SUV and knocked out.  Bruce waited called Alfred and waited for the gunmen to take their leave before jumping in the backseat and heading for the Batcave. 

He dressed quickly and hurried back out into the night repeating the silent promise he made to Selina over and over in his head like a mantra.   _I will get you back_.


	17. Back to Basics

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Harley has another post-traumatic episode and finds the perfect stress relief.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WARNING: Graphic depictions of violence. Use of the word 'ooze'.

Chapter 17

Joker rolled over and reached for Harley in the dark of the room.  His eyes stayed shut as he searched for her amidst the blankets.  At last, his hand landed on her warm body and he tugged her over to him.  He groaned in contentedness as he curled his arm around her smooth, naked body.  Harley had other ideas.

She jerked her elbow back into his ribs before rolling over and climbing on top of him with a crazed look in her eyes.  Joker’s eyes flew open in surprise and he grunted in pain as she fought against him.  Joker grabbed for her wrists, but found his hands trapped under the covers.

Once again, Harley brandished a knife.  Joker bucked beneath the covers and knocked her off the bed.  He flung the covers off and jumped off the bed.  Harley was already standing, the knife poised in her hand.

“Harley, knock it off.”  Joker commanded. 

“Only my Puddin’ gets to touch me!”  Harley screamed to Joker’s surprise. 

Harley lunged forward and slashed at him with her knife.  Joker reached out to stop her and the blade sliced into his palm.  Joker let out a short cry of pain as he knocked the knife from her hand sending it skittering across the floor.  Harley didn’t seem to notice that she no longer held a knife.  She swung her hand out again as though she could cut him with the air.

Joker grabbed her wrists to restrain her and the second he did, she began screaming.  Howling, really.  Joker tugged her towards the bathroom and cranked the cold water on in the shower.  Harley sprang up using her legs and landed her feet in Joker’s gut.  Joker doubled over, but didn’t let go of her wrists.  He swung her around and held her under the spray.

Harley screamed and struggled against Joker’s hands as the cold water slowly pulled her from her episode.  Harley blinked under the water and sputtered the water from her mouth as she began to register where she was. 

“Better?” Joker asked.  Harley let the water run over her face silently.

“Yes.”  Joker reached down and turned off the water.

“Good.”  Harley shivered and Joker grabbed one of the fluffy towels from the cabinet and wrapped it around her bare shoulders.  When he pulled his hand away, a large smudge of dark red blood stood out against the light pink fabric.  Harley noticed right away and she grabbed Joker’s wrist and pulled his hand up to inspect it.

Joker stared down at her as she stared at the deep gash.  She smoothed her fingers over his as though trying to comfort him.  “Did I do this?”  She asked.  Her breath was little more than a whisper and her eyes never left the wound that was still pulsing blood.

“Sure did, my little killer.”  Joker told her with a smile.  Harley let out a small whimper and Joker tucked a finger under her chin and brought her eyes up to meet his.  “It’s not worth the tears, snookums.”  Harley nodded and sniffled loudly as she sucked her tears back.  Joker patted her on her head and walked out of the bathroom.  Harley watched him go and pulled the towel tighter around herself.  She sighed and walked out of the bathroom after Joker and found him tugging on a pair of pants using only his uninjured hand.  He was having a hell of a time so Harley walked over and helped him pull them up and button them.  Joker said nothing, but handed her a black Armani belt which she threaded through his belt loops and buckled.

Joker set a shirt on the bed, but didn’t put it on.  “Get dressed, Frost is coming over to stitch up your handiwork.”  Harley nodded and dropped her towel before pulling on a pair of My Little Pony underwear and a blue bra.  Someone knocked at the door as she was wriggled her way into a pair of tight, black and red leather pants.  Joker cracked the door open a smidge and looked out.

“You needed me, Boss?”  Frost said, his voice muffled by the heavy oak door.  Joker nodded and slipped outside the bedroom while Harley finished dressing.  She slipped on a matching leather corset top and busied herself with the buckles before grabbing a pair of fleece socks and her black combat boots and walking out into the living room.

“You sure are getting hurt a lot lately, Boss.”  Frost remarked.  His back was to Harley and he was hunched over Joker’s hand as he stitched the gash together.  “You ever think maybe she was brainwashed back in Louisiana and they let you break her out so she could kill you?”  Joker scowled.

“She’s not brainwashed, you idiot, she’s traumatized.”  Joker snarled.  He was staring at the wall behind him so neither one of them had noticed Harley come in.  “If she wanted to kill me, she’d use her bat.  Or her gun.  She’s sentimental that way.”

“I don’t like it.”  Frost admitted as he tied off the suture.  Joker snatched his hand away.

“You don’t have to like it.  You just have to do what I say.”  Joker growled at him before inspecting his hand.  Frost nodded and packed the first aid kit.  He stood and turned and noticed Harley standing at the edge of the room, watching.  Frost frowned and shoved past her.

“Maybe Jonny’s right, Puddin’.”  Harley suggested quietly.  Joker continued to stare at his stitches so Harley walked over and reopened the kit and pulled out antiseptic and some bandages.  She grabbed Joker’s hand and used her finger to rub the ointment onto his wound before covering it with bandages.  “Maybe I should go away for a bit.  Just until I get a handle on this whole PTSD thing I’ve got.”  A low rumble was coming from Joker’s chest and Harley stopped and looked up.  His lips were pressed together in a snarl and his eyes held a cold fury.

“You want to leave me?”  He hissed.  Harley pulled back and shook her head.

“’Course not, Puddin’.  But I don’t wanna keep wakin’ up and findin’ that I’ve hurt ya either.”  Joker stood and shook his head.

“I told you, this is nothing.”  He repeated swinging his injured hand through the air.  Harley nodded quietly as she shoved the antiseptic and bandages back into the first aid kit and carried it into the kitchen to stow it in the cabinet above the stove.  “Harley,” Joker growled from the doorway, “listen to me.”  Harley turned and looked at Joker, “You consigned yourself to me.  Body and soul.  Do you remember?”

“Yes.”  Harley answered in a small voice.  Joker approached her and ran the back of his hand gently down her cheek.  Harley shuddered at his touch and he tilted his head to look at her.

“I gave you a choice.  You didn’t have to say yes.”  He reminded her, “You could have forgotten all about me.”  Joker rested his uninjured hand against her neck and put his bandaged hand to his chest.  Right where his heart ought to be.  “It’s much too late for regrets now, Harleykins.  Because now _I_ can’t forget you.”  Harley’s eyes warmed with her tender heart.  “So you won’t be going anywhere.  It’s me and you until we die.”

“Well,” Harley started and Joker narrowed his eyes, “maybe I should just sleep on the couch for now.”  Joker growled.

“You sleep with _me_.”  Harley huffed out a sigh.

“What if I accidentally kill ya or somethin’?” She whined.

“Stop.”  He ordered.  Harley pouted and stomped out of the kitchen to flop down on the couch.  Joker walked through the living room and slammed the button to call the elevator.  Harley flipped the television on and opened Netflix.

“Where ya goin’?” She asked as the door opened.  Joker pretended not to hear her as he stepped inside.  Harley peeked over as the doors closed and felt her gut twist as she saw him looking at his bandaged hand.

* * *

 

“Where is she?”  Ivy hissed into the phone.  Harley was multitasking between Netflix, listening to Ivy, and repainting her nails.  She finished her right hand and blew on the wet polish.  “Harley, this is _not_ funny.  If this is revenge for me kissing your boyfriend then torture me instead.  Cat didn’t do anything to you.”

“Here’s the thing, Ivy, isn’t you not knowing where she is torture for you?”  Harley flexed her finger and watched how the light caught the polish and made it look like she’d dipped her fingertips in fresh blood.  “The way I see it, I’m killin’ two birds with one stone.”  Ivy was quiet, but the drone from the television made Harley oblivious.

“I knew you were crazy, but what reason do you have for wanting to torture Cat?”  Ivy asked.  Harley frowned.

“You ever think it’s not Cat I wanna torture?”  Harley retorted.

“I don’t know why I’m friends with you.”  Ivy muttered into the receiver.  “Nothing you say or do ever makes sense and you’re so twisted and deluded that you think your feelings are the only things that matter.”  Harley felt a twinge of sadness and pain twist in her chest so she started to laugh.

“We broke outta Arkham together, that’s all.”  Harley said between giggles.

“Yeah.” Ivy agreed.  “That’s all.”  The line beeped and Harley dropped the phone from between her neck and shoulder and looked down at the screen.  Ivy’s face was giving her its sauciest look and below it read CALL ENDED.  Harley felt the twinge in her chest again, but she shrugged and gave a small chuckle.  Her chuckle turned into a laugh and her laugh morphed into sobs.  She shouldn’t want to be friends with Ivy after what she did, but the thought of Ivy hating her made her unbearably sad.

She wailed dramatically on the couch until a few curious henchmen creeped in from the den to see what the fuss was about.  She caught sight of them from the corner of her eye as she boo-hooed on the couch.  She didn’t want to be sad anymore and she knew one thing that was certain to cheer her up.  There were three of them which she figured meant she would feel three times better.

Harley stood up from the couch, tears still draining from her eyes as she slowly reached for her bat.  With an animalistic roar, she swung her bat as hard as she could at the henchman closest to her.  It connected with a satisfying thwack that sent the other two goons fleeing.  Harley grabbed a vase filled with flowers from a side table and hurled it at one of the men and struck the other in the head with her bat.  They each fell to the ground and Harley moved to the one she had hit with the vase first.

The poor man screamed as Harley swung her bat over her head.  His scream became a gargled cry as Harley smashed her bat into his face over and over and over.  She laughed maniacally as she went watching the slime of brain matter ooze onto the floor.  Something rustled to her right and Harley looked up to find one of the other men crawling toward the elevator and Harley giggled with glee.  _This bag of cheer is used up_ , she thought kicking the brainless goon.

She walked toward her new prey, twirling her bat in her fingers.  The man gave up trying to sneak away and stood and ran for the elevator.  Harley laughed as she moved toward him.  He slammed his finger into the elevator over and over again.

“Maybe you shoulda made for the stairs, pal.”  Harley suggested as she pulled the bat back like she was standing over the plate and waiting for the pitch.  The man turned around.  His flight instinct had failed.  Looked like he was going to try for fight.

He lunged at Harley and made to grab the bat, but Harley raised her arms over her head and spun out of the way.  The goon stumbled forward and Harley giggled.

“Torro!” She cried joyfully.  The man growled in frustration and lunged for her again, but this time as Harley dodged, she brought the bat down on his back.  The man let out a strangled gasp of pain as he landed on the ground.  Harley laughed and brought the bat down again.  The man cried out again and Harley was positive she heard his back break.

She had to admit, it felt good.  She hadn’t been able to exert this much energy since Midway City.  Even killing Two-Face’s goons in the Spade had been a walk in the park with minimal exertion of force.  Harley heard a door slam and she looked up and found that her third victim had escaped.  Harley growled and whacked the fighter again.  He groaned and sobbed and Harley knew she had broken his back because he didn’t move.

Harley struck him again in the back just to hear him cry and laughed with glee as he complied.  Harley’s tears were nothing more than streaks in her make-up now.  She hit him a few more times and listened to his sobs before she got tired of the noise and turned her bat on the back of his head.

She swung again and again and the blood spurted up and splattered on her face.  Harley was cackling crazily and swinging her bat against his head when the elevator dinged and the door opened.  Joker and Frost stared silently at the scene as Harley continued her massacre.  Joker stepped out of the elevator first as Frost looked on with thinly veiled fear.

“Harley?”  Joker hedged.  He was trying to decide if this was his normally crazy Harley that wrecked electronics stores and stole from clothing stores or if this was fugue Harley hell bent on vengeance against her rapists from prison.

Harley’s ears perked up at the sound of Joker’s voice and she stopped swinging.  She looked up at Joker and dropped her bat to the floor.  Her psychotic smile was still stretched across her face as she hopped over the dead henchman and flung her arms around Joker.  “Puddin’!”  She cried and pressed her lips against his.

Joker was startled, but pleased as he leaned into her and wrapped his arms around her to pull her closer.  _Here she is_ , he thought, _here’s my Harlequin._   Harley hitched her leg up over his hip and he slid his hand around her thigh and pulled her the rest of the way up.  Joker dug his fingers into her hair and used it to pull her back.

“Jonny,” Joker said over his shoulder, “get lost.  Go make sure our friends do as I told them to.”  Frost nodded and hit the door close button on the elevator.  Joker turned back to Harley with a smile.  “Where have you been?”  Joker murmured as he stepped over the dead henchmen and walked them into the bedroom.

“I’m right here, Mista J.”  She replied and snapped her teeth at him with a playful bark.  Joker used his grip on her hair as leverage and pulled her mouth back to his.

“It’s about time,” he snarled against her lips.  _It really is_.


	18. Chapter 18

Chapter 18

It had been a week since the Wayne Foundation Gala.  A week since Joker and Harley Quinn had kidnapped Selina.  A week since the clown and his posse had vanished.  A week with no leads.  Bruce felt like he was going insane.  He interrogated anyone and everyone that had even the slightest connection to the clowns.  He had even tracked down Penguin and his crew to ask what they knew.

Of course, Cobblepot had denied being anywhere near the event.  At first.  But the Bat wore him down, well, beat him down.  He finally admitted to having very different motives for being at the gala.  With his admission, Cobblepot had unknowingly dried up the last of Batman’s leads.  Alfred had done his best to help Bruce at first, but when none of his leads took him anywhere, Alfred busied himself trying to make Bruce relax.  As usual, he failed on that front.  He had never thought he would miss Selina Kyle until she was gone and he had to watch his young Master Bruce pull himself apart in his search to get her back.

With every sunrise, Bruce returned to the Batcave angrier and angrier.  It seemed the Joker had no lines he wouldn’t cross.  He had taken his son and partner and now he had taken the last good thing he had left.  The only thing that left a sliver of hope in Bruce’s stone chest was that he was certain Selina was still alive.

If he had killed her, Joker would have wasted no time rubbing it in Batman’s face.  So she was alive.  But he had no idea how alive that was.  He had seen him smack Harley hard enough to draw blood.  If he would do that to his own girlfriend, what would he do to the girlfriend of his arch nemesis?  _Girlfriend_? Bruce thought,  _Is that what she was?  Did that term even come close to what they were to each other_?  Bruce’s temper flared and he smashed his hands against the stainless steel counter he was leaning over in the Batcave.

_Where are you, Selina_?  _What kind of hell are you going through?_

* * *

 

Selina was a pampered prisoner.  She wasn’t sure what she did to receive this five-star treatment, but despite the dank dwelling she was trapped in, she was unusually cozy.  She had a plush mattress and thick comforter.  She was fed well, good, non-poisoned food.  She enjoyed the privacy of a nice bathroom complete with a deep claw foot bathtub ideal for bubble baths.  A large television complete with a premium subscription to cable.

She had to admit, as angry as she was at Harley, she had been held in worse conditions.  She hadn’t seen hide nor hair of Joker or Harley since she climbed into the SUV at the gala and the only thing she knew for sure about her swanky prison was that it was underground.  The air vents in the room were barely big enough for a mouse and the walls were soundproof.  The only time Selina ever saw her guards were when they brought her food.  Always five-star cuisine served with champagne.

Otherwise, Selina was left alone.  Whatever betrayals Harley had made in ratting her affiliation with Batman out to her psychotic boyfriend, Harley had made sure Selina was taken care of.  She had even returned her borrowed clothes along with supplying her with an entire wardrobe of fashionable clothing.  In fact, the only difference Selina could find between Bruce and Joker as far as captors went was the distinct lack of sex.

The first day, Selina had worked hard to find a way to escape.  When that failed, she decided she would just wait for Bruce to come and break her out or wait for Harley to come to her senses and let her go.  As the days creeped by, she grew less and less certain of any escape from her cell.  She wondered what her captors hoped to gain by holding her hostage especially as lavishly as she was being treated.  Whatever their aim, Selina was somehow enjoying her stay.  She had been stealing professionally since she was abandoned on the streets as a child.  She had burgled the rarest gems and thieved the most sensitive information and was still years away from affording anything so luxurious as where she was being held prisoner.

Selina stretched her arms over her head and yawned lazily as she reclined on the couch watching bad television and gorging herself on macaroons.   _Yeah_ _,_ Selina thought,  _I could chill out here for a bit longer_. 

* * *

 

Harley pouted.  It had been over a week since they had kidnapped Selina and she was becoming impatient to see her new friend.  If she was even still her friend after all this.  To make matters worse, Joker had refused to let either of them leave Amusement Mile in all that time.  Harley had begun pacing the apartment like a caged animal.

Since her homicidal rage a few day earlier, few henchmen showed their faces in the apartment.  The ones that did come by stayed only long enough to get their next assignment before hightailing it down the back stairs.  Joker had brought in a cleaning crew to dispose of Harley’s mess and found another maid to replace the one that had vanished somewhat mysteriously.

Joker was in another meeting with his underbosses leaving Harley to suffer alone.  Harley busied herself with ripping the sheets into three inch wide strips and tying them through the grates in the ceiling of their bedroom.  She finished quickly and she hoisted herself up into her homemade hammock and did a few quick tricks before she became bored and lounged lazily as she swayed back and forth.

The stillness made her thoughts go wild.  She missed her friends.  All of her friends.  Even the soldier, a notion that stunned her.  She was happy to have her Puddin’, but in her dream world everyone would be together and happy.  She’d have a big dinner party and invite everyone.  For the main course, she was thinking Bat.  K.C. would _love_ that and Floyd wouldn’t be opposed to it either.  And Ivy would come so salad was out of the question.  Harley wasn’t sure what Selina’s favorite food was.  Probably cat food, but Harley couldn’t serve that at the dinner table.  Imagine the smell.  Maybe she’d give her some tuna or salmon instead.  She should probably ask her.

Harley looked over at the closed conference room door and scowled.  He was always shutting her out of the interesting bits.  She hung upside down and let the blood rush to her ears.  She needed to see Selina.  Needed to ask what kind of fish she preferred or if she’d be okay eating Bat.  Probably not.  Harley glared at the door a while longer before she swooped down from her perch and skipped to the door, grabbing her bat off the dresser as she went.

Joker was railing on the new Edgar when she swung the door open.  “-we don’t _give_ second chances.  They pay the first time or they die.”  New Edgar nodded his head vigorously in agreement.  “ _However_ , now that I’ve said it, I seem to be giving _you_ a second chance and I really shouldn’t treat you any differently than-”

“Mista J.”  Harley screeched.  Joker sighed and put his hand in his hair.

“Go back to your room, Harls, Daddy’s busy.”  Harley wasn’t having it.  She stomped her foot and crossed her arms over her chest.

“But, Puddin’, I wanna see Selina.” Harley insisted.  Joker growled in irritation.

“Don’t make me repeat myself, Harley.”  Frost moved toward Harley and reached out as though to push her back into the bedroom.  Harley clenched her fists and brandished her bat.  Frost frowned, swallowed, and cautioned a glance back to where Joker was sitting.

“I wanna see my friend, Mista J,” Harley hissed before slamming her bat into the door frame.  The underbosses around the table jumped in alarm.  Joker twisted around in his chair and glared at her.

“I said _no_.”  Harley swept her eyes around the table and she rested her bat on her shoulder.  Her lip curled back in dissatisfaction.

“Why do you get ta have all these friends an’ I don’t get any?”  The henchmen were trying to decide if they wanted to attempt to take Harley on for the sake of their boss or if they were better off staying put.

“I make the money.  I make the rules.”  Harley stomped her foot.

“I make money, too!  I robbed all them boutiques in Upper Gotham.”  Joker was losing his patience.

“Now is not the time to discuss this.  Go back to your room before you make me do something we’ll both regret.”  Harley narrowed her eyes on the new face across the table and decided that if he wasn’t going to let her have her friend, he wasn’t going to have one of his.

She leapt up on the table in one great hop and knocked a stack of money onto the ground at Joker’s feet.  She stomped across the table to where the newbie sat utterly terrified and unsure.  She used her bat to point at him and turned back to Joker who was seething with fury as he watched her.

“How ‘bout I get ridda one of _your_ friends, then?” She countered.  Joker’s angry eyes held a small sparkle of amusement as he waited for her to commit to her threat.  Harley scowled when Joker declined to answer and yanked her bat back and smashed it into the side of New Edgar’s tender head.

New Edgar let out a sharp bark of pain and collapsed on the ground.  The other men bounded out of their seats and for the exits, but the Joker hadn’t said they could leave yet so the guards blocked the doors.  Joker growled and pushed himself out of his chair.  Harley hopped off of the table and landed another blow on New Edgar’s face causing blood to spurt out of his nose like a geyser.  Joker grabbed her wrist and snatched the bat away, tossing it into the far corner of the room.

“That wasn’t very nice, Harley.”  Joker growled.  Harley kicked her steel-toed boot at New Edgar catching him square between the ribs.  “Stop it.”  Joker ordered, catching her throat in his other hand.  Harley’s lip curled up with contempt and she yanked Joker’s gun free from its holster and fired a warning shot between New Edgar’s eyes.  Joker snatched the gun back from her and backhanded her hard across the cheek.

Harley barely even flinched.  She’d been hit harder by a lot bigger.  “ _You_ stop it.”  She shot back.  Joker changed tactics.  He grabbed her by her upper arms and dragged her back towards the bedroom.   Harley struggled against him as he backed her into the room and tossed her onto the bed.

As he turned to leave, he took note of the state of their bedroom.  He looked up at the tattered sheets hanging from the air vents and let out a deep breath.  Harley took advantage of his distraction and boosted herself off the bed and hurled herself at him.

“ _Harley_!”  Joker screamed as she flailed against him.  Harley froze.  He didn’t raise his voice at her very often and when he did she knew she was crossing a line.  She stopped fighting and leaned her head against his chest, going limp.  Joker made no move to console her.

“Please,” she whimpered, “please, Puddin’, I just wanna talk to my friend.”  She shook her head against his chest, “She’s the only one I have left.”  Joker pushed her head from his chest and tossed her onto the bed again.

“That’s enough.”  He turned and slammed the door shut and re-entered the conference room to continue the meeting.  Harley stared at the ceiling for a moment as she processed slowly.  She took a deep breath and opened her mouth.

“Sit down, fellas, we have got business to take care of.”  Joker commanded as a long, howling shriek echoed through the bedroom and into the meeting room.  Joker pretended not to hear as he gestured for the men to return to their seats. 

 


	19. What's a Little Torture Among Friends?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Harley and Joker pay Selina a visit.

Chapter 19

Joker bolted upright in bed, his bright green locks fell into his face with the sudden motion.  A thought had creeped into his mind as he slept and the realization loitering at the back of his head crawled to the surface.  He turned to the still body at his side, excitement building in his chest. 

“Harley,” he hissed at her.  She yawned lazily and didn’t open her eyes.  Joker grabbed her shoulder and shook her roughly as he shouted her name again.  Harley growled into the pillow and curled her hands into the fluff before swinging it at him with a driving force.  Joker let out an _oof_! as she knocked him over onto the mattress.

She flipped herself off the bed to take a fighting stance.  Joker huffed and swung his legs off the bed.  He stood facing her and put his hands on his hips.  He was wearing nothing save his purple and green striped boxers and his large tattoos stood out against his white skin in the low light.

“C’mon, Harls, snap out of it.  I just thought of somethin’ great, dontcha wanna hear about it?”  Joker reasoned.  Harley didn’t hear it.  She launched herself into a back hand spring to wrap her legs around Joker’s neck and used the momentum to spin her body with enough force to knock Joker to the ground.  But Joker was expecting it and he used her weight against her and unlocked her legs to send her spinning onto the bed.

Harley bounced on the bed and immediately rolled off and landed easily at the foot of the bed.  Joker turned around again and braced himself for her next attack.  Hand to hand with Harley was child’s play for Joker.  He had participated in most of her combat training over the years and they sparred constantly.  He had known she was holding back every time they went up against each other, but he had had no idea how much.

“It’s just me and you today, Harley-Poo.  We don’t have any knives in the bedroom anymore, remember?”  He reminded her with a smile.  His smile wobbled as he noted Harley’s own vicious smirk.  She lifted her right hand and revealed three matching throwing knives tucked between each finger.  “Oh, come on!” Joker cried with exasperation.  “Where’d you even _find_ those?”  Harley laughed and chucked the knives at him with terrifying precision.

Joker dodged and ducked out of the way, but one of the knives caught him on the ribs.  “Damn it.” He cursed as he lay on the ground.  Then he spied the television remote under the dresser.  He grabbed it and chucked it at Harley’s head.  It landed with a thunk and Harley dropped to the ground.  Joker stood up and walked over to her.

“Whadido?” Harley demanded as she rubbed her injured head.  Joker sighed and dropped down onto the bed.

“It’s nothing you weren’t asking for.” He replied as he flopped onto his back and stared at the ceiling.  Harley frowned and climbed up from the floor and walked over to the bed, knocking her knees against Joker’s.  She straddled him and scooted up onto the bed and twirled her fingers around his.

“I’m sorry, Puddin’.  You musta walloped me good, though, ‘cause I don’t even remember doin’ it.”  Joker pulled one of his hands from hers and used it to rub his eye.

“I know.” Harley looked down at him curiously as she mindlessly traced over his jester tattoo with her finger.  She scooted up his body and leaned down towards his covered face.  Her hair fell forward and tickled his arm making him move it and look up.

“Do you forgive me?”  she asked tentatively.  Joker let out a breath and twirled a piece of her hair around his finger and massaging her palm with the thumb of his other hand.

“You said your friend did the horizontal foxtrot with our dear friend, Batsy, didn’t you?”  Harley tilted her head and nodded slowly.

“Yeah, why?”  Joker ran his finger down Harley’s cheek, her hair still wrapped around it.  He got caught on her lips and Harley playfully nipped at him making him smile.

“You think he wears the mask in the sack?”  Harley paused, his finger still between her teeth.  She pulled her head back a smidge and released him.

“Selina’s seen his face,” she marveled, “She knows who he is.”  Joker smiled softly and touched the wet finger to the tip of her nose.

“You said you wanted to talk to her, right?” Harley nodded.  “Well, we’ll just have to go see her then, won’t we?”  They shared wicked smiles as the excitement bubbled in both of them.

 

“Selina!” Harley squealed as she straddled a chair.  Selina blinked hard against the blinding fluorescent lights.  She was tied to a chair in a new room, but she thought it was the same warehouse.  She saw a window in the corner beyond the lights and the restraints suddenly made sense.

“Harley,” Selina returned dryly.  She looked around at the faces.  Three were the same guards she had gotten used to over the past two weeks.  She didn’t know their real names but she called them Tim, Tom, and Teddy after a few of the cats she looked after on occasion.  She recognized the large man standing beside Harley’s chair as the man who drugged her in the SUV.

“Do you hate me now, Selina?” Harley pouted.  Selina looked back at her and debated the question.  Sure, she had betrayed her to her wacked boyfriend, but she was living in a lap of luxury for two weeks.  Was she upset with Harley? Yes.  Did she hate her?  Not really.  She answered with a shrug.

“It’s been a nice little vacation you’ve provided, but I wouldn’t mind goin’ home.  I’ve got about twenty little mouths that need feeding.  I’m sure they’ve eaten all the mice by now.”  Harley leaned back in her chair and swung her feet.

“Twenty?”  She asked.  “That’s a lotta cats, lady.”  Selina shrugged again.

“It’s their big eyes, pulls right at my heart strings.” Selina gave Harley a smirk, “Probably the same reason I like you.”  Harley squirmed with pride at the compliment and gave Selina a big toothy grin.

“Lovely,” a new voice drawled.  Selina stiffened as the green-haired figure emerged from the shadows of the room.  Harley popped up from her chair and wrapped her arms around Joker’s waist.  She looked up at him happily.

“Didja hear that, Mista J?  She still _likes_ me!”  Joker smiled down at her patiently as though she were a child showing him a picture she’d drawn and was hoping he’d hang on the fridge.  He pet her head and nodded.

“I heard, cupcake.  Now, Daddy needs to ask your friend a few teensy little questions, okay?”  Harley nodded before skipping back to Selina and sitting down on her lap.  Selina eyed Joker with suspicion.  Clearly it had been Harley to insist on the highest level of care for their captor, but it was Joker who had supplied it.  Bruce had told her that Harley’s feelings and opinions didn’t factor in to anything Joker did.  It seemed he was mistaken.

Joker took the seat Harley had vacated and sat down backwards just like Harley.  He leaned heavily on the back of the chair and rested his chin on his forearms as he regarded Selina.  “So you’re the Joker, huh?  I’ve seen you around, but I generally try to stay out of the crosshairs of other Gotham Baddies.”  Joker smiled and nodded.

“I did a bit of digging and found out that you’ve been active almost as long as I have.  You must be very good at what you do to stay under my radar for so long.”  Harley adjusted herself on Selina’s lap and popped her bubblegum loudly in her ear.

“I suppose my connections do good enough that I haven’t ever had to ask you for a favor.”  Selina replied watching Harley blow another bubble from the corner of her eye.  Joker laughed and Selina got the distinct impression that she had just said something that she shouldn’t have.

“Yes, your connections,” he said. “That’s exactly what I wanted to talk to you about.”  _Shit_.

“What do you mean?”  Selina asked in her best innocent voice.

“Word is that you have some…carnal knowledge of the Batman.”  Selina swallowed and looked at Harley who seemed to be dancing to some music in her head.  Selina looked back at Joker.

“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” Selina lied.  Joker frowned and huffed out a breath.

“Are you sure?”  They stared at each other, a silent challenge.  Joker threw his hands up and stood. “Alright.  I really didn’t want to do this the hard way, my sweetie there begged me to just talk to you first, but since you don’t want to cooperate….” He held his hand out and Harley jumped out of Selina’s lap and took his hand.  He pulled her away from Selina and held his wrists behind her back.  Harley was staring up at him until the four guards took hold of her chair and began dragging her away.

“Hey!  Where’re you takin’ her?” Harley yelled.  Joker rested his forehead against her temple and shushed her.

“She has something I want and I tried to ask nicely for it, but she wouldn’t budge.  Now I have to do it the fun way.”  Harley’s bottom lip jutted out and trembled.

“Oh, no, Mista J!  You promised!” Harley argued. Joker let her go and started after the four men.

“I told you I would ask nicely and I did.  Now I’m going to get results.”  Harley crossed her arms and sat crisscross on the filthy floor.  Seconds later, Selina’s screams echoed through the rooms.  Harley shivered at the sound.  She was taken back to Belle Reve.  Strapped down to the chair with a ball gag in her mouth and a feeding tube crammed up her nose and down her throat.  The burning sensation as the Forcevite was squeezed through the tube and the foam that filled her mouth.

Harley was rocking herself slowly back and forth, banging her fists against her ears when Joker came back.  He grabbed her hands and pulled them away from her head.  Harley was rocking and laughing crazily, her blank stare unnerving Joker.

“Harley, babykins, come on back, baby.  I need your help.”  Joker took her face between his hands and forced her eyes up to his.  He watched them slowly begin to focus and her rocking slowed to a stop.

“Mista J!  I knew you’d come for me!  You missed me, didn’t ya?” She threw her arms around his neck and squeezed.  Joker returned her embrace.

“Harley, you need to focus right now, baby.  We’re in the middle of something.”  Joker brought Harley to her feet and led her to the room where Selina lie tied to a table and drenched in water and blood.  Harley walked over to the table and looked down at her.  Her face was untouched, but her stomach had _HAHAHA_ carved into it over and over again in a vicious rendition of Joker’s own tattoo that stretched up his chest and down his arm.  Selina’s lungs burned from the water she had inhaled and her body felt weak.

“Jesus, J, what’d you do to her?”  Harley demanded.  Joker pursed his lips and shook his head.

“Oh, you know, just a bit of water boarding and casual torture.  She’s built like Fort Knox, this one.”  Joker told her.  “Batsy must be really good at feeding the kitty to keep her this loyal.”

“I thought we kidnapped her to keep Batman busy and off our backs for a while.”  Harley asked.  Joker nodded.  “You think him finding her like this is going to keep him off our backs?”  Joker frowned down at Selina.

“Ask her to tell you who he is.”  Harley angrily blew air out of her nose and turned to Selina.

“Selina,” Harley began.

“My friends call me Selina,” she said, her voice was coarse from the waterboarding, “you can call me Catwoman.”  Harley’s eyes widened with surprised pain and she put her hand to her head.

“I’m sorry, Selina.”  Harley began.

“Stop.”  Selina turned her head away from her and stared at the pile of empty water jugs on the floor.

“Just tell us who Batman is beneath his mask and you can leave.”  Harley continued, “You don’t even have ta talk to me ever again if you don’t wanna.”  Selina was quiet.

“Oh, Harley, you had better kill me now,” Selina announced.  “Because when I get free, I’m going to fill you with all new holes for your boyfriend over there to fuck before I kill you both.”  Harley wrinkled her brow in thought for a split second.

“Ooo,” She purred, “don’t tease me.”  Selina’s head swiveled back to look at Harley with a bewildered expression.

“What?” she asked at the same time as Joker.  The two exchanged a brief look before turning back to Harley who looked between them.  She shrugged.

“What?”  Harley said innocently.  Joker stared at her perplexed and Harley groaned and rolled her eyes. “Well, I _obviously_ didn’t mean the killing us part.”  Joker shook his head and pulled Harley away from Selina.

“Take her back to her room.”  Joker told the men before dragging Harley from the warehouse.  He shoved her into the back of an unidentifiable black town car.  “You really need to get a handle on your shit, Harls.”  Harley stared out the window.

"She said i ain't her friend anymore, Mista J." Harley noted.  Joker nodded.  Harley leaned her head against Joker's shoulder and he put his arm around her.

"You're still my friend, babydoll." Harley nodded mutely against his shoulder as Frost took his position in the driver's seat and they began their long drive back to Gotham City.


	20. Chapter 20

Chapter 20

Joker kept a steady gaze on Harley as she danced on the platform in the Tickled Trickster.  Joker had to meet with a few of his lower level goons.  He was taking the opportunity to try to get Harley back to her old self.  She seemed to come and go between the fun and psychotic Harley Quinn and the depressed and traumatized Harley.  Joker was feeling proud as he watched her twirl and dip and shimmy to the music with a wide smile spread across her face.

“Mr. Joker, it is a pleasure to meet you.”  Joker didn’t look up as the man held out his hand to shake.  Frost explained Joker’s no-shaking policy to the guy and he tentatively took a seat across the way.  “I have to admit, I was surprised to get your call.  I mean, of course I was expecting you to call asking for a favor at some point, but it’s been years.  I was beginning to think you had forgotten about me.”  Joker rolled his neck and looked down his nose at the small man sitting in the booth.

He was wearing a cheap grey suit and had large tortoise-shell glasses.  He looked weak and he was.  Joker didn’t need him for his strength.  When he had approached the man six years ago and offered to pay off his student debt he was still a boy.  The only stipulation that the Joker had given was that whenever he called, the man would come and whatever he asked for, the man would provide.

Of course, he was in no position to decline Joker’s generous offer.  His debt was beginning to effect his family and he couldn’t marry the woman he loved due to it.  Her parents refused to support their union so long as he failed to provide for her.  They demanded he purchase a house for them to live together in before their nuptials, but with no credit he couldn’t get a mortgage and with a low paying position in a small company, he couldn’t hope to save up.  So Joker swooped in like a lime green knight in purple armor and not only paid off his debt, but also gave him enough money for a down payment on a house and a job in the Gotham City offices of Queen Consolidated.

Joker had plans for him.  He had found his skill set invaluable to his enterprises and knew that if placed in the right position, he would become a very useful tool in his belt.  Joker had made do without his skills knowing his investments would pay off handsomely.

“Do you have what I asked for?”  Joker asked.  Pleasantries always annoyed him.  A bullet in the brain was preferable.  The man nodded and pulled a tablet out of a worn, leathery satchel.  He made to hand it to Joker, but Frost intercepted and stowed it in his own bag.

“There’s some access codes and I marked the other files for you and I, uh….” He trailed off as he noticed the smile on Joker’s face.  It sent chills down his spine.

“That’ll be all for now.  Get out while you’re ahead.”  The man looked uneasily back and forth between Joker and Frost before Frost gripped his arm and hauled the man out of his seat and escorted him to the door.  Joker stretched on the couch and yawned exaggeratedly.  He turned his head casually and found Harley again.  Her eyes were trained on him and she smiled as she caught his eye.  She dropped to her haunches and slowly straightened her legs until she was bent at the waist.  Joker’s breathing had become ragged and uneven.

Harley stood up straight and flipped her hair and beamed at him.  He crooked a finger at her and pointed at his lap.  Harley flipped off her platform and scampered across the dance floor until she could toss herself into his lap.  She smashed her lips to his and ground her hand into his groin.  Joker purred and pulled away from her.

“I have a surprise waiting back home.”  He told her.  She wiggled against him and toyed with his soft hair.

“Yeah?”  Joker dipped his head in affirmation.

“Are you ready to go?”  Harley nodded emphatically and Joker tucked his arms beneath her and stood.  He carried her to the door and set her down to walk the rest of the way to the car.  Frost climbed into the driver’s seat and Joker and Harley sat in the back kissing.

“Puddin’?” Harley asked breaking the kiss.  Joker growled as his lips tickled her slender neck.  “Can I ask ya somethin’?”  Joker slipped the thin strap of her dress down her shoulder and bit at the soft flesh.  “It’s not to say I don’t absolutely _love_ this, but, um…” Joker harrumphed and threw himself back against his seat.

“What is it?” he asked as he pouted.  Harley toyed with one of his rings between her fingers and worked out her question.

“Why don’t you drive us anymore?”  Joker watched her with measured look.  She was focused on his hand, her hair hanging over her face.

“I drive.”  He replied.  Harley nodded.

“Yeah, but ya don’t drive _us_.”  She retorted.  “Every time we go out anywhere ya always got _him_ driving us like her works for Uber or somethin’.”  She jerked her thumb at Frost who was doing his best to appear as though he weren’t eavesdropping.  Joker pet her cheek and she looked up at him.

“Isn’t this nicer?”  He kissed her before she could respond and all argument died inside her.  Harley rubbed the heel of her hand into his crotch.  The second the car stopped, they jumped out and Joker jammed the button for their apartment.  They were about halfway up when Joker hit the stop elevator button.  Harley stumbled in her heels and caught herself against his chest.

“What’s goin’ on?”  Joker silenced her with a kiss and yanked her panties down.  Harley giggled against his mouth and ripped his shirt off, enjoying the sound of the fabric tearing as he hitched her leg up around his hip.  Joker had his cock out and was inside her in seconds.  Harley leaned her head back against the elevator wall as Joker buried his face against her neck.

When he finished her pulled out of her and tucked himself back into his pants and fastened the button but left his belt hanging open.  Harley mussed her hair and kicked her panties off.  Joker leaned down, picked them up, and shoved them into his pocket.  He hit the button and the elevator stuttered back to life and began to rise to their floor.  He grabbed her head and placed a firm kiss on her hair.

“Wanted to make sure we got in a quickie before I showed you your presents.”  He told her as the doors opened.  Harley nodded, still reeling from the sudden sex.  Joker led her into the living room where a large box sat with a giant red and blue bow on top.  There were several large holes around the top, but not large enough for Harley to see through.

Harley rubbed her hands together in excitement and turned to Joker.  “Can I open it now?”  She asked.  Joker was tempted to tell her no just to see the sullen look on her face.  Instead he nodded and took a seat on the end table across from the box to watch.  Harley tugged at the bow, but it didn’t budge.  She pulled harder and let out a frustrated growl.  She turned and pulled open a drawer on the coffee table and withdrew one of the many knives.  Joker frowned as she returned to the box and sliced the ribbon apart.  She tossed the knife blindly behind her and it stuck into the wall beside Joker’s head as she tore open the lid.

“Babies!” Harley squealed as she peered into the open box.  She reached in and lifted a small hyena pup from the box.  The pup blinked up at her sleepily as Harley hugged it to her chest and stroked its downy fur.  She turned to Joker gleefully.  “You got me puppies?”   Joker reached out and scratched the hyena behind its ear.

“Not just any puppies, Harls.  These are hyenas.  The only other animals in the kingdom that can take a joke.”  Harley squeezed the pup to her and inhaled the puppy smell.  Joker stood and pulled the other pup from the box by the scruff of its neck.  “These friends won’t desert you so long as you take good care of them.”  He held the other pup up to her face and smiled.  “What do you wanna call ‘em?  Beevis and Butthead?”  Harley gasped indignantly and grabbed the other pup away from him.

“These are precious _babies_ , Mista J!  They ain’t gonna be named after two wack-a-doodle idiots!”  Joker frowned and crossed his arms.

“Name ‘em whatever, then.”  He told her, bored, as he walked into his office.  Harley set the pups down on the floor and they began sniffing around the room.  Harley giggled as they wrestled and yipped at each other.  They were adorably wobbly on their short hind legs with their dark brown spots.  They were so small Harley wondered if it was alright for them to be away from their mother.

“Babies,” Harley called sweetly to them.  One of them, the lighter of the two, trampled over to her and rolled into her lap.  She smiled lovingly down at him and scratched his belly, he nipped at her fingers and chewed on her arm with sharp, tiny teeth.  His brother began chewing on the side of the coffee table and Harley realized they must be hungry.  She stood and walked into the kitchen, the two cubs tumbling after her as she opened the cabinets to see what they had that a baby hyena could eat.

“Puddin’!”  Harley called.  When there was no response, she walked to the door and banged on it.  “Mista J!”  She continued to hammer on the door and the babies began screaming in response.  Joker flung the door open and Harley stumbled before catching herself on the door frame.

“WHAT?”  He asked irritably.  Harley frowned and looked up at him.

“The babies are hungry,” she informed him and pointed at the hyenas who had started gnawing on the legs of the end tables.  Joker scowled.

“If you expect to keep them, you had better figure it out yourself.”  Harley opened her mouth to argue, but Joker slammed the door shut in her face.  Harley kicked at the door and turned away.  She had a thought and marched into the den.  There were only four men in there and they all started to scatter as she entered.

“Stop.” She ordered.  The men paused and looked at each other hesitantly.  “Sit.”  She ordered again.  The men all reclaimed their seats and waited, unsure.  She picked up one of the laptops and opened Google.

WHAT DO HYENA BABIES EAT?

She typed into the search bar.  She wasn’t sure how old they were, but everything was showing meat to be the answer.  She stood up and walked to the kitchen to open the refrigerator and freezer in search of meat.  Both were empty save a pint of Ben & Jerry’s and a package of cheese slices.  She slammed the doors and headed back into the den.  The men jumped at her return, but didn’t try to leave again.

“I need one of ya ta go ta the butcher’s and get some meat.  The fresher and bloodier the better.”  The men stared at her quizzically and when they didn’t move Harley became enraged.  “NOW!  My babies are _hungry_!”  The four men jumped up and ran for the stairs and she heard them tripping and stomping down the stairwell.

She returned to her new babies and pet them soothingly.  “It’ll be okay, babies,” she told them, “those idiots will bring you back some dinner.  If they don’t, I’ll kill ‘em and then you can eat them.”  The babies wiggled their short, fluffy tails and Harley took that to mean they understood.


	21. Two Psychopaths One Car

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> LADIES AND GENTLEMEN! GOOD EVENING! STEP RIGHT UP FOR THE WORLD'S GREATEST FORM OF ENTERTAINMENT! From blossoming insanity to hand to hand combat to road head, this chapter has it all. STEP RIGHT UP, FOLKS! DON'T BE SHY!

Chapter 21

Selina was back to being pampered.  One of the guards brought her antiseptic and bandages for the wounds on her stomach and another brought her food.  All of it was still gourmet, but Selina had lost her taste for it.  She cleaned the cuts and revisited her thoughts of jailbreak.

She had been naïve to think that a few nice words and two days spent with Harley earned her anything.  Harley was a boy obsessed psychopath that Selina had thought held something more.  Instead, she let herself be duped into comfort only to be tortured by her and her murderous boyfriend.  Selina hit the mattress with the side of her hand.

Selina hadn’t been able to bring herself to shower since the waterboarding.  Days later, her lungs still burned on occasion when she thought about it.  Her cuts were turning to scabs and the scabs into scars.  Bruce had tried to warn her.  She just didn’t want to hear it.

Two weeks passed and her cuts were now scars.  She trashed the room, broke apart her bed frame and tore her sheets to shreds.  She ate the meals she was given out of necessity, but she barely tasted it.  She focused herself on freedom and worried about little else.

After she woke up and found that her room had been restored, Selina began to pick warily at the food she was given.  It hadn’t ever crossed her mind that she might actually die in this place.  A prisoner of Harley Quinn and the Joker.  There were days when that thought would drive her to madness.  She would turn on the television and let the noise fade into the background as she lie on the bed and stared emptily at the ceiling.

She had lost track of how long she had been here.  She wrapped herself in self-pity and slept for long hours.  Eating little, her body began to show her malnourishment.  This did not sit well with her captors because she woke up with an I.V. and feeding tube strapped to the bed.  Selina retraced her last memories and determined that the food wasn’t what they were using to knock her out.

After a few days, her health had returned and she was released from her constraints.  Reluctantly, Selina began eating again.  She thought she might be going crazy.  Then she thought that that may be their plan all along.  Make Catwoman crazy and send her back to her beau to see if she killed him.

“That would be fun for them, I’d bet.”  She muttered to herself as she looked at herself in the mirror.  She hadn’t spoken to anyone in weeks.  Her face was gaunt and her sunken eyes were dark and puffy.  “Screw Bats and his damn morals.  If he’d just killed the Joker after the bombs, none of this would have happened.”  She growled.  “The number of lives that psycho has let die because he refuses to do what is necessary.  Why do I even waste my time with him?”  She smashed her fist into the mirror and was surprised when her fist bounced back.

She leaned forward and inspected the glass.  It was reinforced and bulletproof.  Selina slammed both of her fists into it and let out an animalistic howl.  Tears burst from her like water from a broken faucet.  She hiccupped and wailed and put on a show for no one.  She left the bathroom and focused her energy on destroying the newly replaced furnishings.

* * *

 

The hyenas grew rapidly over the next few months.  They gorged themselves on meat and spent their time cuddled with Harley and Joker.  Harley spoiled them.  She bought them studded, leather collars with their names bedazzled in rhinestones.  Harley had all but forgotten her disputes with Ivy and Selina.  She convinced Joker to let her out to walk them.  At first, he only allowed them out on Amusement Mile.  After a few weeks, he agreed that she could take them for walks in the Narrows so long as she stayed within Joker’s territory.

So Harley was meandering along the sidewalk in her black and white high heeled sneakers, tight harlequin leather pants and a matching corset top.  Her hair was down up in pigtails and she was armed with her gun and bat which she held in the same hand as her babies’ leashes.  In her free hand, she shuffled through the music on her phone and occasionally sent a text to Joker.

Harley-Poo

HOPE YOU’RE NOT BUSY

WHEN I GET HOME

Puddin’

YOU BETTER NOT PLAN

ON BEING HOME FOR A

WHILE THEN

Harley-Poo

AW, BUT PUDDIN’ THESE

PANTS ARE REALLY

STARTING TO RUB ME

THE WRONG WAY

Puddin’

WHAT?

Harley-Poo

LEATHER DOWN UNDER.

NOT COMFORTABLE.

Puddin’

ARE YOU SAYING WHAT

I THINK YOU’RE SAYING?

Harley-Poo

I’M NOT WEARING ANY

UNDERWEAR. ;)

Puddin’

COME HOME NOW

Harley-Poo

IN A BIT.  THE BABIES

ARE HAVING FUN.

Puddin’

HARLEY!

Harley

MISTER J!

Harley giggled at their conversations as she rounded a corner and waited for his response.  She felt something tickle up her spine and she stilled.  The babies felt it too and the trio turned around slowly.  Batman was standing barely five feet away from them.  Harley pressed a few keys blindly on her phone and shoved it into her back pocket.

“Found you.” Batman announced triumphantly.  Harley tilted her head and looked at him as she crossed her arms over her chest.  The babies growled and cackled protectively at her sides.

“I wasn’t exactly hiding, B-man, ya don’t get points for that.” Batman glowered at her and threw a batarang at her before launching himself at her.  Harley dropped to her knees to avoid the batarang and pulled her revolver from its holster in the same movement.  She fired two shots at him making him back up and take a defensive position.

"Tell me what you've done with Selina Kyle." He ordered.  Harley gave him a mirthless look and holstered her gun.  She shrugged in an,  _is that all_? kind of way.

"Locked her up, fed her five star cuisine, and forced her to watch daytime television." Harley replied.  Then she gasped and held up a finger as though she had just remember something.  "In between the torture and interrogation, that is."  Batman shot daggers at her.

"Interrogate her for what?"  He demanded.  Harley inclined her head towards Batman and smiled.

"She once told me you and she did they hanky panky spanky."  Harley was certain that he was blushing under his cowl and she smirked at him.

"She was lying." Batman lied.  Harley tsked and shook her head.

"No.  I don't think she was.  I saw the two of ya on that rooftop when her, Ivy, and me were tryin' to destroy that Wayne Factory.  You definitely saw each other naked."  Batman clenched his fist and stepped toward her.

"I think it's high time you go back to prison."  He announced.  Harley jumped back from him and stood between her growling babies.

“Ya caught me with my pants down last time me and you went mano-y-mano.”  She dropped the babies’ leashes and swung her bat at him.  Batman dodged and grabbed her bat.

“Maybe I should’ve let you drown.”  Batman growled at her.  Harley smiled and fluttered her lashes at him.

“And missed out on that kiss?  C’mon, B’man, ya gotta admit we got chemistry.”  She slammed her foot into his gut and he stumbled back with a small grunt and released her bat.  “Course, the funnest part of chemistry is how often it can blow up in your face!”  She swung at him again and he dodged and returned fire.  She danced out of the way with a playful laugh and whipped her bat through the air at him.  He knocked the bat away with his forearm and caught her on her jaw with a nasty right hook.  Harley cried out in pain and rubbed at the sore spot.

Apparently, that was all the babies needed to see to jump into action.  They lunged at Batman with yipping cackled and growls, fangs bared.  They caught him off guard and knocked him to the ground.  They snapped their sharp teeth at him as he fought to hold them back.  The smaller hyena latched onto his right calf and shook his shaggy head as though to tear his leg off.  Batman shouted and made to punch the larger hyena snapping at his face.

“Oh, no ya don’t, B-man!”  Harley yelled.  She smashed her bat down on Batman’s arm before turning slightly and smacking it against his cowl a few times for good measure.  “Nighty-night, Bats!”  She told him joyfully.  She gave him a sharp kick in his exposed chin and slowly backed away down the street.

She whistled for the babies to come and they obediently backed away from their prey, still growling protectively.  When they resigned themselves that Batman was not going to get back up, they turned and followed Harley down the street, their leashes dragging on the ground.

As she turned the corner, she spied Joker in his chameleon painted Charger.  She stopped and waved excitedly at him and the car screeched to a stop in front of her.  She leaned down into the open passenger window and smiled at him.  Joker leaned his forearm against the passenger seat backrest and gave her a wide grin.

“Hey, baby, what can I get for two shiny pennies?”  Harley snickered and toyed with her curly pink tips with one hand.

“Depends, sugar,” she replied, “how shiny are these pennies?”  Joker held up a finger and fished around in one of the cup holders for a second before holding up one grimy pennies and a piece of gum.  “Hmm,” she said, tapping her chin, “well definitely a lap dance, but if ya want anything more, ya better stop by an ATM.”  Joker barked out a short laugh and pushed the passenger door open.

“Get in and we’ll see about that ATM.”  He bargained.  Harley pulled the seats forward and let the babies crawl into the back seat before settling herself into her seat and shutting the door.  Joker stared at Harley for a moment too long and she felt herself becoming uncomfortable under his scrutiny.

He reached up toward her face and Harley flinched instinctively.  Joker’s hand hesitated in the air before continuing its journey and gently clasped Harley’s chin between his fingers.  He turned her head to the right and examined her jaw.  A large, fresh bruise was sprouting up.  Harley watched Joker cautiously.  She worried he might be mad that she had let herself get hurt, but after a few long seconds of scrutiny, Joker dropped his hand and put the car in gear.

“Can we stop by and get some food on our way back?”  Harley asked as Joker gunned the accelerator.  Joker glanced over at her quickly before looking away and grunting an affirmative.  They pulled into the drive thru at McDonald’s and waited.  A dark truck pulled up behind them before anyone answered.

“Hello, welcome to McDo- oh.  Oh, no.” A small voice crackled through the speaker.  Joker rolled his eyes.

“Listen, you can either take our order here or we can come in and do it ourselves.”  The speaker was quiet and Harley leaned over Joker’s lap and stuck her head out the window.

“I recommend the former, the latter ends with all you lovely service workers in caskets.”  It was quiet for a few seconds more before the speaker crackled back to life.

“What can we get for you?” Harley leaned on her elbows on the driver’s side door and rested her head in her hands as she considered the menu.

“Let’s see…” she mused.  Joker groaned and leaned his head back against his seat as he waited for her to make up her mind.  As she was perusing, the driver of the truck behind them began to lay on his horn impatiently.  Harley ignored it for a good three seconds before she released a frustrated growl and slammed her hands down on the door and pulled her revolver from its place in her holster and fired the remaining four shots through the windshield.

The worker on the other side of the speaker whimpered in terror as Harley settled her gun on Joker’s lap.  “Okay, I want a Big Mac with no onions, a twenty piece nugget, and thirty hamburgers with everything.  Unwrapped.”  She paused and looked at Joker.  “Want anything, honey?”  Joker was unloading her revolver and looking at the shells.

“Quarter pounder, no pickles.” He told her as he reached under her body into her ammo pouch and started reloading the chamber.  Harley repeated his order into the speaker and added two large cokes and the worker stammered out a total and asked them to drive around.  Joker slipped Harley’s gun back into the holster before driving around the building to the first window.

Joker pulled a hundred dollar bill from a roll of like bills in the glove compartment and handed it to the cashier who looked as though they might faint.  Joker didn’t wait for change before driving to the next window.  The kid at the window was barely fifteen.  He mutely handed the drinks to Joker who set them in the cup holders and handed the straws to Harley.  She went to work opening the straws and sticking them in the lids as they waited for the rest of their food.

Harley gasped and leaned back out the driver’s side window and knocked on the window.  The kid came back and tentatively slid the window open.  Harley beamed at him, “Can I get an ice cream cone, too?”  Joker shook his head.

“No.  You are not getting an ice cream cone.” He told her.  She pouted.

“Aw, Puddin’, why not?” Joker shook his finger at her.

“Because the last time I let you have an ice cream cone in my car I had to have the thing reupholstered.”  Harley frowned.

“That was _one_ time!”  She argued.  Joker shook his head.

“No means no.”  Harley started to stick out her bottom lip, but then smiled.

“How ‘bout a McFlurry?” she asked.  Joker quietly considered it.

“Fine.”  He agreed.  Harley squealed and looked up at the kid.

“M&M McFlurry, please!  _Lots_ of M &Ms.” She told him.

“Make it two,” Joker told him and the kid nodded before leaving to get to work.  It was about a minute later that the kid started handing them bags of food.  In all, they had three bags of unwrapped hamburgers, a bag with Harley’s Big Mac and nuggets and Joker’s quarter pounder, and a bag of fries the workers had thrown in as a peace offering.  The babies began to whine as soon as the smell of food filled the car.  She planted a kiss on Joker’s cheek in appreciation as she accepted the McFlurries from the kid.  Harley put the McFlurries in the side cup holders and began munching on the fries as they drove away.

Harley alternated between eating the fries and feeding them to Joker as he sped through Gotham’s streets.  She leaned back in her seat as the wind whipped through her hair and stole her breath.  She turned, laughing as the Joker joined in.  The babies whined in the back as they waited impatiently to be fed.

“I missed this!” Harley shouted against the wind howling through the open windows.  Joker glanced over at her as he down shifted and drifted around a corner.  She tilted her head up and closed her eyes in satisfaction.  Joker rumbled with need and put his hand on her thigh.  Harley opened one eye and looked at him, but his eyes were back on the road.

He slid his hand up and found the button on her pants and undid it before slipping his hand inside.  Harley hummed and spread her knees.  Joker’s fingers delved between her folds and he felt himself harden almost unbearably beneath his slacks.  _She’s really didn’t put on any underwear today_ … he mused as he felt her growing wetness.

“Mmm, Daddy,” she moaned as he continued to pet her.  Joker came to another corner and quickly pulled his hand away to shift.  Harley sulked in disappointment until a wicked smile swept across her face and she put her hand on Joker’s knee and slowly slid it up his thigh to his belt buckle.

“Harley…” he warned.  Harley looked up at him beneath her thick lashes as she continued to unbutton his pants and slip her hand under the waistband of his boxers to grip him.  He sucked in air between clenched teeth as he turned another corner.

“I’m hungry, daddy,” Harley told him innocently.  Joker’s cock jumped in her hand and she took it as permission as she pulled his cock from his slacks and flicked her tongue over the tip.  The engine whined as he pushed the pedal down harder and she wrapped her lips halfway down his shaft and twirled her tongue around the tip.  She massaged his tight balls in the palm of her hand as she sucked.  He panted as she worked her mouth further down his cock before slowly pulling back.

Joker was losing his focus on the road and he turned into the East Docks a bit too fast, almost slamming the car into a stack of shipping containers.  Harley slipped from him with an audible pop and hit her head against the steering wheel inadvertently honking the horn.  Joker looked down at her and they exchanged a baffled look before bursting into laughter.

Harley gripped his cock in her hand again and winked at him before returning to her task.  Joker barely stopped the car in a parking space in the garage before he ejaculated into her mouth.  Harley swallowed all of him and sat back licking her lips and grinned at him.

“My favorite appetizer,” she disclosed as she opened the door and balanced two of the bags in her arms and held the McFlurries in her hands.  She released the lever with the toe of her shoe and let the hyenas out of the back seat as Joker stowed his junk back in his pants and grabbed the remaining bags and the two Cokes.  Harley called the elevator with her elbow and called the hyenas over.  They all stepped into the elevator and waited for the doors to close.  Harley shifted the bags in her arms and rolled her shoulders.  Joker leaned over and nipped her earlobe.

“If you thought the appetizer was good, wait until the main course.”  He murmured in her ear. Harley shivered with anticipation and begged the elevator to move faster.


	22. Old Friends, Older Enemies

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Somebody Joker thought was out of the way returns to bite him in the ass.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please tell me what you think of the PTSD episode from Harley's perspective! And thank you to all of you who are reading this and find it the least bit interesting! I love every one of you!

Chapter 22

Harley felt someone move behind her.  Her senses prickled into high alert.  She concentrated on making herself appear vulnerable.  Continue sleeping like normal, like she hadn’t noticed anything.  The person inhaled deeply, as though they were just waking up.  Harley wondered which one it was.  She Robertson was stubborn.  He would keep trying until he got his way.  The misogynistic prick.

Harley tried to push away the hazy memories of some of their more successful attempts in vain.  The tasers, the drugs, the stomach churning sights of the men rocking above her immobilized body.  The taste of their sweat dripping into her gaping mouth making her gag.  The feelings of utter hopelessness and shame as she accepted her powerlessness to stop it.

They dropped their arm over her slim body and breathed deeply as they pulled her flush against their warm body.  Harley felt herself on the verge of vomiting.  She wasn’t going to let them have her again.  Only her Puddin’ was allowed to touch her.  She turned her head to the side and bit down on the man’s forearm.  Hard.

She tasted blood as the man screamed and tugged his arm from her clamped jaws.  He shoved her away and Harley took the opportunity to grab the shank she had crafted earlier that night.  She rolled away until she could stand and stared blindly at the would be rapist.  She tried to focus her eyes at the blurry figure.  He wasn’t wearing the normal prison guard uniform and she tried to determine if that was accurate or if she was hallucinating.

“Are we honestly going to go through this every morning?”  The guard demanded.  Harley bared her teeth in a vicious grin.  She paced toward him a few steps and he shook his head.  “Harley, this is getting tiresome.”  He reached out and grabbed for her wrist, but Harley snatched herself away.  Harley chortled.

“Wearing people out is what I do best.  If ya don’t believe me, ask my Puddin’.”  Harley quickly flipped herself down and sliced at the guard’s leg.  Unfortunately, he seemed to be expecting it and he dodged out of the way.  Harley growled in frustration and whipped around to face him again.  Something cold and wet kept touching her legs and Harley kicked against it.

“Cut it out, Harley,” the guard ordered in a bored voice, “I _am_ your Puddin’.”  Harley scoffed and felt a renewed feeling of rage frothing in her belly. 

“An’ you call _me_ sick!” Harley cried as she lunged at the guard.  “Hope dyin’ ain’t a turn off for ya!” Harley got her legs around the guard’s neck and twisted until they both fell to the ground, she aimed her shiv at the guard’s neck, but his hands were there, stopping her.  Something sharp was pulling gently at her arms and legs and Harley howled with rage as she struggled against him and the invisible force.

“Alright, Harls,” the guard chided from beneath her, “if I’m not your Puddin’ then who am I?”  Harley tried to pull a face from the haze of her delirium, but found herself floundering.  She snarled and ripped herself away from him and rolled off, the pulling object released her immediately.

“I dunno, all you cronies look about the same to me.  Robertson?  Peters?  Farnwell?”  The guard flipped off the floor with more grace than she had attributed to them.  He walked toward her, hands up and feigning surrender, two objects moved in the corners of her eyes.  Harley wouldn’t fall for such a cheap trick.  She dropped and swept her leg at him, but he dodged again.

_Shit.  Am I becoming predictable?_   Harley wondered.  She dropped her hands and stood up giving the guard her best and most innocent expression.  The guard regarded her with what she assumed to be suspicion.  _I blame prison_.

“Puddin’?” she asked in a small voice.  The guard lowered his arms and straightened.  He took a half step backwards as Harley advanced.  “Oh, Puddin’, I thought you’d _never_ come for me!”  She cried out as she hurried toward him.

“Drop the spoon,” the guard told her.  Harley froze mid-step and looked at the shiv in her hand.  It was definitely a shiv and not a spoon.  Something flickered in Harley’s mind and she saw a plastic spoon like one would get with a McFlurry from McDonald’s.  She shook her head and the spoon was a shiv again.

“Aw, doll, this spoon ain’t gonna hurtcha!”  She told him, deciding to play along.  The guard frowned and grabbed her wrist.  Harley began to scream and thrash against him, but he grabbed the spoon and tugged it from her grasp.  Harley bit into his hand and the guard yelped and shoved her head away.

“Alright, Harls,” the guard told her as he held tightly onto her wrists and forced her to walk backwards, “I think it’s time for a shower.”  Harley struggled against him and tried to use her feet to kick at him, but he deflected her as though it were nothing more than child’s play to him.  He tucked her wrists into one of his and cranked the nozzle of the shower.  He lifted her up and held her under the icy stream.

Harley screamed in shock and anger as the water drenched her from head to toe.  Things slowly began to pull into focus.  The first thing she realized was that she was completely naked.  Thoughts of the fight began to pull away from her as the bathroom registered in her mind.  The hyenas were standing at Joker’s side, quizzical expressions on their fluffy faces.  Harley blew water out of her mouth and squinted at her Puddin’ who looked back at her with agitation.

“Sorry, Mista J.”  Joker released her arms and rubbed his hand over his face.  Harley leaned down and turned off the water.

“Stay,” he ordered.  “Take a shower.”  Harley nodded and watched him leave with the babies before she pulled the shower curtain shut and turned on the warm water.

Joker pulled the first aid kit out of the cabinet and found the peroxide.  He dumped a generous amount onto each of the spots where Harley had bit him.  The chemical foamed in the open wounds and Joker dug through the large box in search of bandages and medical tape.

“You have more injuries in the mornings from Harley than you get from the Bat, you know.”  Joker tossed the medical tape over his shoulder to Frost and set his hand on the kitchen table.  Frost sat down opposite him and began tearing off pieces of medical tape and securing the bandages over the bite marks.  “She’s officially crazier than you, Boss.”  Joker frowned at him.

“Crazy I can handle.  This is different.  This is trauma.”  Joker sighed as Frost finished applying the tape and turned his hand over to stare at the scar on his palm from where she had cut him.  The bigger of the hyenas rested his head on Joker’s knee and Joker pet him absently as his thought whirred.  “Is that gambler still alive?”  Frost wrinkled his brow in confusion.

“The Belle Reve Warden?” Frost clarified.  Joker nodded.

“Yeah, Boss,” he shrugged, “he’s alive in the sense that he’s still breathing.  It was pretty tricky keeping him breathing after your last visit, but he’s mostly healed up again.”  Joker nodded again.

“I want you to look into Belle Reve staff and personnel.  Look for the names Robertson, Peters, and Farnwell.  See if any of them were on duty for the break.”

“Sure thing, Boss,” Frost stood to leave, “You want us to bring ‘em to you if we find ‘em alive?”  Joker gave Frost a look that said, _what do_ you _think_?  Frost nodded and left to do as he was bid.  Joker stood and returned to the bedroom remembering he had another captive to consider.

Joker was sitting on the bed with his sketchbook in his lap and the babies sleeping peacefully at his side when Harley emerged in a cloud a steam from the bathroom.  She had a fluffy, pastel blue towel wrapped around her body and another wrapped up in her hair.  Her face was pale and clear from her make-up giving her a ghostly, ethereal appearance.  Joker didn’t look up.

Harley sauntered over to the dresser and pulled open one of her drawers and ruffled through it.  She huffed out a sigh as she held up a fist full of panties.  Joker was focused on his work and didn’t acknowledge her.

“Ya know, Puddin’, I keep getting’ more an’ more lingerie and my drawer never seems to fill up.”  She put her hands on her hips and frowned down at the drawer in question.  “It’s either magic or there’s somethin’ nefarious afoot.”  Joker gave no indication that he’d heard her.  Harley dropped the towel from around her waist and cast a furtive glance in his direction.

She sighed in defeat and selected a pair of red panties from the bunch and slid them on, tossing the rest back into the drawer.  She pulled open another drawer and frowned.  She held up a royal blue bra and pointed into the drawer.  “Ya see, Mista J?  I got a million bras now and none of the matchin’ panties!  I had all matchin’ sets.  What is it with my panties that make ‘em always up an’ disappear?”  Joker wordlessly climbed off the bed and carried his sketchbook out the door and into his office.

Harley crossed her arms and stuck her tongue out at the closed door before continuing to dress.  She pulled on a pair of tights with one blue leg and one red and a pair of outrageously short black leather shorts.  She donned the royal blue bra and a tight black t-shirt with a blue and red splattered design.  She toweled her hair dry and brushed it out before tying it in two loose buns on either side of her head.  After applying her make-up and pulling on a pair of sneaker wedges, she checked that her gun was loaded and her holster was secure before leaving to take the babies on a walk.

Joker was considering the problem of his captives.  Perhaps Griggs would serve as the perfect anniversary gift for Harley.  In a couple of weeks, it would be one year to the day since Joker had broken into Belle Reve to bring her home.  On the other hand, he would have to sacrifice his therapeutic stress relief sessions Joker engaged in with him.  Every time Harley had an episode, Joker found himself in Griggs’ cell passing along Harley’s message.

Of course, he couldn’t deny that giving him over to Harley might manage to alleviate the need for future sessions.  Perhaps if Harley were able to vent her frustrations and emotions onto the correct vessel, she would no longer feel the need to try and kill them all.  Joker jotted the idea down and circled it.

On to his problem of the Batman’s girlfriend.  He had reveled in watching the woman’s steady spiral into lunacy.  Her rage had originally been directed at the Joker himself, but as time ticked by, she began to focus her anger on the Bat.  Joker had laughed when she started talking to herself.  Threatening to kill the Bat.  Threatening to kill everyone.

Joker thought about simply releasing her into the public to create mayhem.  Maybe he could ship her right on back to Bruce Wayne and see how she reacted to Gotham City’s favorite elite after months of solitary confinement.  Perhaps she’d kill him.  The thought made Joker giggle with glee.  His third option was to string her up for Batman.  She would be both the bait and the trap.  Joker had little doubt that the second Batsy cut her down, she would attack.  However, the idea of stringing up her corpse also appealed to him.

A small voice whispered to him that it would be that much more fun to see Batman slowly losing everyone he loves.  At the same time, an even louder voice was screaming at him that he could no such thing in a thick Brooklyn accent.  Joker exhaled down at his doodle of Catwoman tied up on the Gotham City clock tower wearing a mouse costume for irony’s sake.

The thought of Harley had him pulling open the large bottom drawer on the right side of his desk.  Inside were piles of Harley’s missing panties.  He plucked out a pair at random and toyed with it in his hands.  The soft, silky material slipped between his fingers and he stared at the picture on the page.

He grabbed the sketchbook and strolled out to the kitchen considering his plans as he poured himself a glass of orange juice.  He set the sketchbook on the table and sipped mildly.

“Boss!”  One of his men exclaimed as he burst into the room.  Joker looked up at him irritably.  The man appeared anxious and sweaty.

“What?”

“Two-Face broke out, he’s comin’ after us!”  Joker groaned and rolled his head around his shoulders.

“And?”  Joker demanded.  The henchman swallowed and licked his lips attempting to determine the best way to posit the information.

“Harley was out walkin’ the hyenas, ya know?  An’ we didn’t even know about Dent’s break out ‘cus the police covered it up so good.  So we didn’t know we needed to be on the look out or nothin’….”  The goon digressed and Joker waited for what he was saying to become in any way important information.

A door opened in another room and he heard the frantic laughing of the hyenas.  Joker rolled his eyes at the henchman and walked out of the kitchen to find the babies being led in by another henchman.  Joker frowned at the sight and walked into the bedroom.  He peered into the empty bathroom and the den.  The hyenas whined at him and he pushed them away.

He returned to the shaking man and grabbed him by his shirt collar.  His put his face less than an inch away from the poor man’s own and snapped his metal teeth at him.

“Where.  Is. Harley?” He inquired through clenched teeth.  The man squeezed his eyes shut as the sweat poured from him.

“That’s sorta what I’ve been tryin’ to get at, Boss,” he stammered, “You see Two-Face, he sorta…took her?”  Joker’s eyes were wild with fury as he wove his fingers through the man’s sparse hair and gripped him at the roots.  He slammed the man’s head down and cracked it on his knee.  He tossed the man to the side and kicked him in the cut with all his force.  The man coughed in pain.

“You _idiots_!” Joker screamed as he continued to kick the man until his screams subsided and blood dripped from his mouth.  The hyenas stalked toward the kill and began to bite at the still warm flesh.  Joker put his fist through the wall and screamed for somebody to bring him Jonny.  He was going to have to teach them once and for all that _nobody_ took his Harley.  And he was prepared to do whatever it took to prove that to them all.


	23. Rescuing the Princess

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Harley gets a visit from somebody she knows and Joker fights Batman in an attempt to rescue her.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I honestly have no idea if this chapter is any good. I started writing it at 3 in the morning with Netflix in the background.

Chapter 23

“Boss?” Frost called as he walked into the clowns’ bedroom.  Joker was sitting on the floor staring at an abundance of guns and knives.  They were all laid out in neat rows with stacks of bullets piled in a circle around them.  Joker was sitting crisscross with his head in his hands.  Frost had flashbacks to the weeks when Harley was stuck in Belle Reve.  “What are you doin’ on the floor, Boss?”  Frost asked lightly.  Joker shook his head in his hands.

“Me and Harley had sex on that bed….” He muttered.  Frost glanced at the messy bed and stifled a shudder.

“Why aren’t you in the office?”  he asked.  Joker let out an exaggerated sigh.

“Me and Harley had sex on the desk in there.”  Frost grimaced and shut his eyes against the visual.

“And the living room?”  Joker toyed with a knife on the floor.

“Please.  Where haven’t we fucked in there?” Frost nodded as he tried to keep down the bile rising in his throat.

“The kitche-”

“Ya know, Jonny, how’s about you just assume Harley and I have fucked in every corner of this apartment except right here in this circle.”  He stabbed the knife into the floor and Frost winced.  “An oversight that I will remedy when she is returned to me.”

“So what are we doing?” Frost asked hesitantly.  Joker twirled the knife forlornly.

“I thought I was doing everything I could to keep her safe and with me, ya know, Jonny?”  Frost nodded, slowly.  Joker threw himself back on the floor and stared at the ceiling.  “I just don’t know where I went wrong.”  Frost was watching Joker with apprehension.  “Sometimes I can still feel her presence, but I feel like I’m forgetting my favorite parts of her.  Her looney grin, her crystal blue eyes, her unwavering inclination for death, destruction, and mayhem.”  Joker sighed again and closed his eyes.

“Uh, Boss?”  Joker looked down his body at Frost who hadn’t moved from the doorway.  “She’s only been gone for forty-five minutes.  She’s usually out for around two hours when she goes out with the hyenas.”  Joker scowled and picked himself up off the floor.

“Are you dismissing my grief, Jonny?”  Joker snarled.  “I have _suffered_ a _loss_!”  Frost pulled back from Joker.

“No, sir, not dismissing it.  I just think that maybe we should start working on getting her home safe and sound instead of reminiscing?”  Frost suggested mildly.  Joker frowned and picked up an AK-47 assault rifle from his pile.

“Tell the boys to load up.  We are going to war.”  He pushed past Frost and pressed the button for the elevator.  Frost stopped in the den and gave the orders before joining Joker in the elevator.  For a second, Frost thought Joker was staring at him with his pitiful expression until he realized he was staring at the wall behind him.

“What is it, Boss?”  Frost asked.  Joker rubbed his temple with the tips of his fingers.

“Oh, nothing, it’s…nothing.”  Frost looked over at the wall again and back to Joker. 

“Are you sure?”  Joker shrugged.

“It’s just… I fucked Harley up against that wall not too long ago.”  Frost squinted at Joker trying to determine if he was being serious or not.  “Now I worry that I may never get that chance again.”  Frost swallowed and tried to decide if he should comfort him or not.

“Aw, don’t be like that, Boss.  Of course you will.”  Joker turned his head and fixed Frost with his worst expression.  The expression he usually reserved for just before a kill.

“Gotham will pay if any harm befalls her.”  Frost shivered and nodded tersely.  They stepped out of the elevator and met the swarms of Joker’s men in the garage.  They were armed and dressed in their wackiest costumes.  Panda Man was at the head of the mobs and Joker signaled for them to get in the vans and SUVs.

Less than an hour after word of Harley’s abduction had reached Joker, a veritable army drove out of Amusement Mile and towards Two-Face’s corner of Gotham City.

* * *

 

Screams were echoing in the warehouse where Two-Face was holding Harley Quinn.  She was in shackles chained to the iron bars on the ceiling which was mistake number two for Dent.  She climbed the chains and used them as weapons against Two-Face’s underlings.  They tried to subdue her and fix her feet to the floor, but she was sitting in the rafters and they couldn’t figure out how to reach her safely.

She pulled the chains up onto her lap lest they use them as leverage to yank her back down to the ground and picked at the locks on her shackles.  Harvey was screaming at his henchman to do something as Harley considered her situation.

They had somehow managed to separate her from her babies and get her across town in minutes.  She wondered what Harvey’s intentions were or if he had a real plan at all.  Harley popped the lock on one of her shackles and she smiled as her wrist was freed.  She set to work on the other one and listened to the conversations below.

“We only need to keep her here for another thirty minutes or so, how hard can it be?” One of the goons was saying to another one.

“Yeah, but those drugs were supposed to knock her out for six hours.  They barely worked six minutes!” The second argued.  Harley sifted through her memories to when her kidnapping had occurred.  She felt her neck and sure enough, there was a fresh bruise and small hole from where a dart had hit her.  She nodded to herself as she made sense of what had happened.

They had knocked her out and brought her here.

“It was more like twenty, but I get what you’re saying.  It’s bad.”  The first goon conceded.

“Get that bitch down from there or it’s your heads that will roll!” Harvey screamed down at his men from his office.  Harley frowned at his choice of words.  As though his head was going to roll in some way.  Harley giggled excitedly as the second shackle opened and she was freed.

Harley lay on her belly on the iron bar and looked down at the men on the ground switching between looking up at her and talking to one another trying to resolve the issue.  She twirled one of the shackles on the chain before tossing it down to strike one of the buffoons in the head.  The man dropped to the ground like a sack of soggy potatoes.  Harley snorted at the dumb expressions on the men’s faces as they realized she was free of her chains.

“MORONS!”  Two-Face screamed as he grasped what had happened.  He pulled his gun from his holster and fired at Harley who laughed and used one of the chains as a rope and Tarzaned herself away from Harvey’s line of fire.

“Aw, Poop Head, whaddaya got against lil’ ol’ me anyhow?” Harley asked as she wove her way around the rafters.  Harvey paused to reload, grumbling to himself all the while.

“For one thing, you stole my schtick.” Harvey told her as he began firing again. 

“Your schtick?  Are you talkin’ about the dual color scheme?  C’mon, Harv, you got black and white, I got red and blue and red and black and pink and blue and gold and black.  Not to mention nicer hair.”  Harley taunted as she twisted her way around the room.  Harley found her way to a ledge on which several barrels of gunpowder was stored.  She smiled and whistled at Two-Face’s men who stupidly rushed over toward the ledge.  Harley waited until they were just under where she was and pushed the barrels off the ledge.

She took down three of the men and the barrels broke open on the ground.  Harley climbed back up into the rafters and swung her way over to Harvey’s office.  Harvey had left his post and was moving toward the ledge she had just vacated so Harley took the opportunity to duck into the office and find one of his many lighters.  She found her gun still in its holster sitting on the desk and she pulled it on and checked her rounds.  As she picked a white Zippo from his messy desk she noticed something familiar.

Harley moved a few receipts and pulled out her dossier.  She flipped through the pages and found a few newly added inserts.  Four sheets detailed her Belle Reve break out and her recently reported sightings over the past year.  Harley turned to the last page.  She released the papers and felt a desperate need to escape immediately.

“Gotcha.”  Harvey announced from the doorway.  Harley smiled and turned to him.  She leaned on her arms against his desk and tilted her head at him.

“Maybe you’ve got me, but Waller’s got you an’ that’s a whole lot worse.”  Harvey scowled at her and took a step forward.  Harley rolled her hips off the desk and walked over to him.  She set her hand against the better side of his face and looked up at him.  “What did she promise ya, huh?  Ten years off your sentence?  An espresso machine for your cell?  The opportunity to fix your face?”  Harley slapped his cheek and slid between his legs just as the door to the warehouse burst open and a dozen soldiers swarmed inside.  Harley’s stomach flipped and she made for the rafters again, but Harvey grabbed her arm and yanked it behind her back.  Harley struggled against him as he walked her toward the soldiers.

Harley snarled at the soldiers and kicked at them, successfully keeping them at bay.  Harley felt her stomach churn as she saw Waller making her way through the throng of men.  Harley glowered at her as she struggled against Two-Face.

“Here she is, just like you asked,” Harvey told Waller, “now you’re going to turn the damn thing off, aren’t you.”  Waller gave Harvey a pacifying smile.

“As soon as you are back in your cell, yes, it will be turned off.”  Harvey shook his head.

“No.  You said I would be free if I brought Harley back to you.”  He argued.  Waller frowned up at him.

“I told you that assisting me in this manner would pave the way to your freedom.”  She nodded for a few of the soldiers to take Harley from Two-Face and cuff them both.  “Think of this as the first stepping stone on a long road to freedom.”  Two-Face punched one of the soldiers that approached him and Waller pulled her phone from her pocket.  Harvey’s mug shot was pulled up on the screen that controlled the bomb implants.  Harley’s own face was on the screen as well, but it was flashing green and Harley wondered if Waller knew she had had the thing removed.

“Hate ta break it to ya, Cruella, but I ain’t goin’ back to prison.”  Waller regarded Harley for the first time since she had entered the warehouse.

“What makes you think you have a choice?”  Waller demanded.  Harley smiled at her sweetly.

“We ain’t in Louisiana anymore.  We’re in Gotham.  I got lotsa friends here.”  Waller scoffed.

“You’ll be long gone before any of them even realize that you’re missing.  Even your boyfriend.”  Harley fixed Waller with a hard look.

“You’re late, honey.” She proclaimed to Waller’s confusion.  Shots were fired and the soldiers fell at Waller’s feet.  Waller turned quickly and found herself face to face with the Clown Prince of Crime himself.

“Sorry, baby, Daddy got a little hung up.”  Joker told Harley as he flipped a batarang toward her.  Harley frowned as she caught it and returned her gaze to Waller.

“Aw, Puddin’, I don’t think you got the chance to meet Amanda Waller last time.  She’s the one that put the bomb in my neck.”  Waller narrowed her eyes at Joker who looked at Waller with his Shark Smile.

“Is that right?” Joker made a small circle around Waller and stopped beside Harley. 

“You aren’t the only one with back-up, girl.”  Waller informed Harley.  “In fact, you may remember my back-up.”  Waller held up her hand and a red dot appeared on Joker’s chest.  Joker frowned down at the offending dot and followed the beam upward to the surrounding rooftops.  “He may have _missed_ you once, but I have been assured that a repeat performance is unlikely.”

“Maybe this guy kills me, maybe not.”  Joker said, “But whether he does or doesn’t, you can consider yourself a walking casket.”  The light on Joker’s chest went out and Waller tried not to let her suspicion and worry show on her face.

“We’re about to have company, Mista J,” Harley informed him.  Joker nodded in affirmation, his eyes never leaving Waller.  Waller kicked up one of the rifles from a fallen soldier and held it in her hands as she anticipated an attack.

Seconds later, Batman swooped down in front of Waller.  She aimed the rifle at Batman and fingered the trigger.

“Get out of here, Batman, this isn’t your fight.”  Batman grabbed the barrel of Waller’s gun and yanked it from her hands easily. 

“Every fight is my fight.” Batman retorted.  Waller scoffed.

‘Spreading yourself a little thin there, aren’t you?”  Waller answered.  Joker shoved a pipe into Harley’s hands and braced himself for the impending fight.

“Leave now, Amanda,” Batman ordered.  Waller considered him.

“Or what?”

“Justice will be dealt.” Waller picked up on the insinuation and, after a beat or two, she nodded and escorted Two-Face back to her Humvee and drove away.  Harley looked over at Joker.

“He saved me because I kissed him.”  Joker looked down at her in surprise.

“Really?  I thought that was why he saved _me_!” Harley snorted.  Batman walked over and grabbed Joker by his shirt collar and held him up in the air.

“Where is Selina Kyle?” Batman demanded.  Joker put his hands on Batman’s forearm and laughed at him.

“Really, Bats?” Joker laughed.  “I fully intend on returning the little kitty to its rightful owner, honest.  But it just isn’t the right… _time_.”  Joker rocked himself back and kicked Batman in the chest as he swung forward.  Harley smacked him in the head with her pipe in the same moment and Batman stumbled backward.

Joker advanced on Batman and fired a few shots at him to keep him on the defensive.  Joker tossed his gun behind him and launched himself at Batman and struck at him with all he had.  Batman deflective most of the blows, but speed at which Joker was moving made it difficult for him to go on the offensive.  Harley picked Joker’s gun off the ground and dusted it off.

“Oh, Batsy, we just don’t fight like we used to.  I mean, this is twice in one night and we just aren’t meeting our usual repertoire.  Do you feel the distance that is growing between us?”  Joker asked as he continued his onslaught of fists and fury.  Batman got a grip on Joker’s arm and used it to fling Joker against one of the SUVs.  Joker cackled wildly as he dusted himself off.

Harley emptied the rest of Joker’s clip into Batman’s back.  He turned and started for Harley.  Joker frowned and jumped on Batman’s back and wrapped his rope of handkerchiefs around his throat.

“Oh, no ya don’t, Batsy!  You haven’t satisfied me just yet.”  He pulled the handkerchiefs tighter around Batman’s throat.  “Although, to be fair, I am _very_ hard to satisfy.”  Joker disclosed solemnly.  Harley giggled.

“ _I_ always manage to get ya there, Puddin’!” She announced.  Joker chuckled and squeezed the rope tighter around Batman’s neck as he struggled to free himself.

“That you do, doll.  Maybe Batman just isn’t feeling up to the task anymore.”  Batman’s eyes rolled back in his head and he collapsed to the ground.  Joker let go of his handkerchiefs and stood.  He kicked his unconscious body and sighed.  “Poor Batman, all tuckered out from a little spar.”  He held his hand out to Harley who hurried over and held it with both of her own.

“I didn’t think you were going to come for me on time.”  Harley confessed.  Joker turned and looked down at her with a patient smile.

“I will always come for you.”  He confided.  Harley tilted her head up at him.

“Are you sure?”  Joker inclined his head.

“Of course, this is true love.  It doesn’t happen every day.”  Harley smiled ear to ear and they walked back to one of the SUVs.

“Wait a minute,” Harley said as Joker started the engine and pulled onto the road, “did you just _Princess Bride_ me?”  Joker shook his head.

“Inconceivable.”


	24. How Much Trauma Can One Girl Take

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Harley's grip on reality is shaken and Selina finds herself a sacrificial pawn in Joker and Batman's chess game.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so so so so so sorry I haven't updated in a while! I was on vacation in London for the past week and a half so I haven't had time to write. I hope you like this!

Chapter 24

Harley groaned and stretched from her place on the floor.  Joker's arm was slung over her waist and his face was buried in the pile of clothes that they had been using as both pillow and mattress.  Every joint in her body cracked loudly and she groaned again in pain.  She yawned and slipped from under Joker's arm and stood.  Her knees and hips popped as she stepped over the mess of clothes, guns, knives, and ammunition.  Joker's growl was muffled by the clothes.

"Where're you goin'?" he demanded.  Harley yawned as she walked.

"Shower." She answered.  Joker moaned and pulled air in through his nostrils before rolling onto his back.   _There was a reason we never fucked on the floor_... Joker mused.  He heard the shower turn on and he dragged his hands down his face in an effort to pull the sleep from him.  He blinked up at the ceiling for a while longer before boosting himself from the ground.  His joints cracked and he grunted.   _Never.  Doing. That.  Again._  He decided.  He stumbled from the bedroom and into the kitchen.

"Food," he muttered to himself as he cracked open the fridge.  He blinked blearily against the bright light inside and yawned.  A nervous cackling started behind him and Joker peered over his shoulder at the two hyenas the henchmen had chained up to the wall in the living room.  They had evidently not been fed since before Harley's Two-Face Misadventure.  Joker opened the freezer and pulled out two large slabs of meat.  He cranked the oven on and tossed the meat into a pan to warm in the oven.

As the meat cooked, he returned to the refrigerator and pulled out a carton of eggs and a package of bacon.  He pulled a frying pan from the cupboard and set it on the stove.  He scooped a generous amount of butter into the pan and cracked the carton of eggs into a large mixing bowl.  He dumped the raw eggs into the pan and grabbed an oven mitt to pull the warmed meat from the oven.  He grabbed the hyenas food dishes and dumped a slab in each and coated them with the grease and blood from the pan.  He tossed the pan into the sink and returned to the eggs with a spatula and kicked the food over to the hyenas who gnawed greedily on the hot, raw meat.

Joker was frying the last of the bacon when Harley walked into the kitchen in her leather covered tutu and a tight corset top.  She had red and blue cuffs on her wrists and her favorite  _Harley loves Joker_ necklace around her neck.  Her face was partially done up and her hair was tied in high pig tails.  She was still barefoot, but carried her thigh high lace up boots in her hands.  She dropped them on the floor and unchained the hyenas before plopping down in a chair at the table.  joker set her plate in front of her as he sat down with his own.

Harley squeezed ketchup onto her eggs and Joker took a bite of bacon and stared at his phone.  Harley took a big bite of eggs and looked at Joker.  "Who're ya textin'?"  Harley asked around her eggs.  Joker took a bite of his own eggs.

"Mind your business." Harley frowned and pet one of the hyenas who had rested his head on her lap.

"I think I'm gonna go see Ivy today."  Joker looked at her over his phone.  Harley smiled down at the babies and pretended not to notice his ogling.  Joker pursed his lips and shook his head as he looked back at his phone.

"No.  That isn't a good idea."  Harley frowned again and put down her fork.

"You got other plans for today and so do I."  Joker tossed his fork down on the table and stood from the table so quickly he toppled his chair.  The racket made the hyenas bark and Joker snarled at them to shut up.  They whimpered and cowered into Harley.

"Don't you yell at them!  I tol' ya I got friends I intend on keepin'!  You already took one away an' I'm pretty sure ya made her crazier'n me!"  Harley argued.  Joker slammed his hand against the counter and Harley jumped.

"She's got valuable information on the Bat.  She isn't just your friend, she's an asset."  Joker growled.  "And nobody is crazier than you, Harley.  Believe me, I've looked."  Harley's brow wrinkled, but he left the room before she could ask just what he meant by that.  Harley shrugged and began pulling on her boots and lacing them up.  She wasn't going to let Joker stop her from mending her broken relationship with Ivy.  The incident with Waller was messing with her mind.  She needed someone to help her keep her realities straight and she has far too many fantasies about her Puddin' for him to be a reliable anchor point.

" _You think you left Belle Reve_?" Harley squeezed her eyes shut and rubbed her fingers into her temple.  Griggs' voice was a nail drilling into her brain.  " _There's still so much fun to be had_!"  Harley bit her cheek and drew blood.  The taste of iron drowned out Griggs' voice and Harley gave a small smile to the babies before standing to find their leashes.  it would be best to talk to Ivy sooner rather than later.

"Harley," Joker said, "you can go see that green witch tomorrow."  Harley looked up at Joker who had gotten dressed himself.  "For now, I need you to stay here.  I'm taking Bud and Lou with me."  Harley's grip on their leads tightened and she backed up from Joker.

"No," she replied quietly, "no, I need to see her now."  Joker tilted his head at her in puzzlement.  " _You don't think he's really standing there, do you_?"  Waller's voice mocked.  Harley put her hand over her eyes and tried to focus on something she knew to be real.  " _Real?  I'm real, girl.  And I'm not finished with you yet_." 

"Go away."  Harley muttered.  Joker narrowed his eyes at her and reached out to take the leashes from her.  Harley's eyes snapped open and she grabbed Joker's wrist and stared at him crazed.  

"Harley?"  Harley was breathing hard and trembling.  " _You think a tiny little mortal like you could really cut out_ my _heart_?"  The Enchantress hissed.  " _I told you I could bring back your beloved.  He stands here before you, alive and well in your memory._ "  Harley felt her eyes well with tears.  " _You really think he survived that crash_?   _You think he broke you from Belle Reve_?"

"No.  He's here.  He's here, he's alive."  She muttered to herself.  She tightened her trembling hand around his wrist and stared at it.  "This is him.  We're together.  This is real.  This is real.  This is real."  Joker pulled his arm from her grip and took her face between his hands.

"Harley-Poo, come back to me, baby."  Harley looked up at Joker, her face was crumpled in anguish.  Joker felt anger rising in his chest.  The Bat had managed far more than Joker thought he had meant to.  Even rescuing Harley from that prison hadn't brought her back to him.  He had taken too long.  He hadn't tried hard enough.  She had been through too much.

"I did kill her.  You took me out of Belle Reve."  Harley furrowed her brow and looked behind him at the wall.  "Is that right?" She shook her head.  "No.  I'm hallucinating.  That's a hallucination.  I'm in Belle Reve.  I'm alone.  In a cage."  The walls flickered and disappeared, replaced with iron bars and cold, cement walls beyond them.  Joker pulled her eyes back to his.

"You are  _not_ hallucinating.  You are  _here_.  With me.  You are  _not_ in prison."  Harley shook her head.

"I..." Bud and Lou licked at her hands and she focused on them.  "Puddin'." Joker pulled her to him and squeezed.  Harley didn't move and Joker squeezed tighter.  It was becoming painful for Harley, but Joker's arms grew tighter and tighter.  Harley's back cracked and Joker held tight.  At first, Harley wanted to cry out.  To scream for help, but an overwhelming sense of comfort seeped into her like sunlight into a flower.

_This is real.  This is my Puddin' and our home.  No Belle Reve, no Waller, no Griggs.  It's just me and Puddin' and the babies._  

"Go take a nap, Harls,"  Joker told her, kissing her cheek.  "I'll be back before you wake up."  Harley nodded and Joker walked her into the bed room.  He unlaced her boots and pulled them off before tucking her under the covers safely and turning off the lights.

Joker stood in the elevator trying to think of some way to get Harley over her PTSD.  As the doors opened, Frost and ten other men greeted him.  Joker gave out instructions and the men split off into groups and Joker climbed into his own car and sped down the tunnel into Gotham City. 

* * *

 

Selina woke to the foreign feeling of a cool breeze against her skin.  She opened her eyes and found herself nearly two hundred feet above the ground.  Her arms were tied behind her back and both shoulders were dislocated as she was being suspended by a single rope that was wrapped around her body tightly making it difficult to breathe.  Selina felt the rope give a bit and she slipped down as a chime began behind her.  The ringing in her ears stayed for far longer than the chimes went on and Selina realized that she was on the clock tower.

One of the Joker's tricks to be sure, but what was the game here?  She looked down at herself.  She was wearing a furry grey suit of some type.  The wind blew again and she saw the fluttering of a tail.   _Oh, yuck_.  She grimaced.   _I'm a mouse_?  Selina twisted around in her ropes and looked for something Joker would have left to finagle her way out of the mess he left her in.

The rope dropped again and a shadow slipped across the moon.   _Oh_.  Selina thought.   _The game isn't for me._  She watched as Bruce swung around the building, looking for the trick.  She found herself annoyed by his bat costume.  She found herself annoyed by him in general.  She couldn't imagine anything more loathsome in that moment than to be 'rescued' by him.  The rope dropped again and the chimes echoed in Selina's ears successfully giving her the world's worst headache. 

"Selina!" Bruce cried.  Selina huffed in disgust.  Bruce threw a batarang at the rope and Selina dropped.  The air whooshed out of her lungs as she fell and again as she landed heavily in Bruce's arms.  He swung them safely down to the street where he cut off her bindings and inspected her for injuries.  "Your shoulders are dislocated."  He told her.  Selina rolled her eyes.

"Yeah, you don't say."  Bruce frowned and lifted one of her arm up painfully.  He looked hesitantly down at her and Selina rolled her eyes again.  "Oh, just get it over with, Bats." Bruce gave a short nod and forced her arm back into the socket.  Selina let out a cry of agony.  Bruce continued onto the next arm without waiting and Selina shouted again.  Selina flexed her fingers and did a back flip away from Bruce.

"Selina, I've been so worried about you."  Selina quirked a brow at him and frowned.

"Oh, Bats, don't do that to yourself.  I was well taken care of by my friends."  Bruce eyed her uneasily.

"Harley said they tortured you."  Selina shrugged and winced at the resulting pain.

"Only a bit.  I got over it."  Bruce scowled.

"They'll pay for what they did to you."  He swore.  Selina shook her head.

"This whole tit-for-tat game is the whole reason I was tortured in the first place."  Bruce stepped toward her and Selina backed away.  "Oh, Bats, you don't want to come near me right now."

"Selina-"

"I'm not feeling too favorably towards you right now and who knows, maybe this time I really will kill ya."  Selina turned and began to walk away.  She reached up and pulled the mouse ears off her head and tossed them into the gutter.  She stripped the stuffy costume off her body and strutted back to her apartment in her underwear.  She climbed in through the window and found the place tossed and the gutted.  She flipped her ripped up mattress over to the less damaged side and fell onto it.  She missed the therapeutic Serta mattress from her hostage room.

Interesting.  She had never thought of herself as the type to develop Stockholm.  She sighed as sleep toyed at the edges of her consciousness again.  Oh well, happens to the best of us.  She couldn't imagine the type of mental disorders Harley definitely had.  As angry as she was at Harley for her betrayal, she felt more than a little pity for her.  Selina felt something nuzzle her hand and she looked down to find Frederiko, a grey tabby, curling himself beside her.  Selina felt her tight muscle relax for the first time in six months.  She shut her eyes and let herself go.


	25. Rumors Will Ruin Her

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Word of Joker releasing Catwoman gets out and nasty rumors begin to spread in the underground. To remind them who the boss is, Joker decides to throw one of his infamous gangster gatherings.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I just wanted to say a huge thank you to everyone who has been reading this and leaving comments or kudos. This is a pretty remarkable occasion for myself as this chapter marks more than 50,000 words for this story and i have actually never written 50,000 words on any one subject continuously. So again, HUGE THANK YOU! I really appreciate each and every one of you and hope you continue to like my writing.

Chapter 25

Joker sat at the desk in his office.  His elbows rested on the desk and his hands were steepled in front of his face as he stared down at Harley's dossier spread out in front of him.  Somehow in the year since she had been back, her trauma had only gotten worse.  Joker couldn't understand it.  He was going far out of his way to make certain that Harley was safe and in no danger of ever being taken again.  He rarely brought her along on his ventures and kept armed guards near her at all times.  She was perfectly safe and she knew she it, but somehow her mind kept sliding back into prison and leaving her with an impossibly shakier hold on reality than she had ever had before.  He shifted a few of the papers and looked at a candid photograph of Amanda Waller.  He was positive that Harley's basest trauma began with Waller.

"Boss."  Frost called from the doorway.  Joker didn't look up and Frost knew that his silence meant he was to continue.  "There's been some, uh, chatter down in the underground."  Joker didn't respond as he reread the redacted paragraph regarding Harley's position in Task Force X, the merry band of misfits Harley affectionately called the Suicide Squad.  He noticed Frost hadn't continued and was apparently waiting for Joker to respond in some way.

"Jonny, criminals are nothing if not overly talkative.  Get to your point." Joker growled as his eyes stared at one of the anecdotes scrawled in the corner of the page.   _Could be a method of manipulation for CODENAME : Joker._  Frost cleared his throat and shuffled uncomfortably. 

"It's not so good, Boss, they, uh, they're implying that maybe you ain't so with it anymore."  Frost stammered.  Joker pursed his lips and looked over his shoulder at Frost who was wearing his shades in the dimly lit room.

"What does that mean?"  Joker demanded. "I have never claimed to be 'with it'."  Frost nodded and swallowed hard.

"Yeah, they just say that since Harley's been back you ain't been up to your usual activities.  You don't go out as much and you just let Catwoman go without much of a fight at all.  Kept her locked up for months and let the game fizzle without a spark.  A lot of the players were hoping whatever you had brewing was gonna incapacitate the Bat for a bit."  Joker kicked back against the wall and rolled across the room towards Frost in his chair.

"Do not presume to know my mind, Jonny."  Frost stiffened and shook his head.

"No, sir.  I was only reporting the news from the gossips underground, Boss."  Joker snarled and rolled back to his desk.  He looked up at the framed picture of Harley from before Belle Reve.  She was wearing his favorite maroon dress shirt and nothing else, only four buttons were fastened in the middle and she was sitting on the bed.  Her come hither smile and heavy eyes watched him with rapt interest.  He remembered taking the picture.  It was after one of their infamous criminal soirees.  Beside the picture was a newly framed photograph of Harley with Bud and Lou curled around her.  She was thinner in the recent photo, Joker noted.  Her eyes were sunken and dark rings rimmed them.

"Criminal soiree."  Joker mused aloud.  Frost tilted his head.

"Boss?"  He asked in confusion.  Sometimes it would seem like Joker was talking to himself when he was really talking to Frost and sometimes the opposite was true.  It was hard for Frost to decipher these moments and always feared the day he got it wrong and tipped Joker's temper in a fatal move.

"You remember, Jonny, my boy!"  Joker continued, standing up.  He smiled at Frost making him even more uncomfortable.  "We hosted them twice a year in the past!  We haven't had one in nigh on two years.  All the big baddies were invited.  Anyone who had tangled with the Bats."  Joker took Frost's face in his hands and looked at him seriously.  "Of course, only those baddies who thought they were big and bad enough to take me on ever showed up, but they were always good fun anyhow.  Two-Face always came so hopefully we get some new faces to fill his mismatched shoes."  Frost didn't think he was needed for this conversation anymore, but he nodded along in agreement all the same.

"We throwin' the Hoodlum Hootenanny then, Boss?" Joker laughed.

"Ah!  Yes! Another Baddie Ball!  That'll  _really_ get things back to normal!  Wouldn't you say, Jonny?"  Jonny knew better than to disagree so he began taking down all the names of the invitees.  Nothing said Joker quite like inviting a bunch of bad guys trash talking behind your back to a party.  Frost just hoped this one didn't end with them blowing the venue up again.  It had taken him a month to get the stench of burning corpse out of his hair.

* * *

"Good morning, snookums!" Joker crowed as he flicked on the lights in the bedroom.  Bud and Lou leapt from the bed anticipating danger.  Upon seeing Joker, they fizzled and curled up on the floor again.  Harley pried her eyes open and looked up hazily at Joker who dropped a bundle of packages on the bed at her feet.

"Puddin'?"  Harley asked as she looked at the clock sitting on her night stand.  The time read 2:14 PM.  She shook her head and sat up.  Sluggishly, she took in the boxes strewn on the bed and excitement burst through her turning her weariness to joy.  She grabbed one of the smaller boxes and rubbed the silky fabric of the bow between her fingers as she looked up at Joker with barely maintained frenzy.  "Can I open 'em?"  She asked.  Joker smiled and he inclined his head slightly in invitation.  He stepped back and boosted himself up onto the dresser as she tore into her gifts revealing a necklace with intermittent gold and pearls.  A second strand held a pendent that read JOKER'S GIRL.  Each letter in JOKER'S was encrusted with emeralds and amethyst while the letters in GIRL were encrusted with red and blue sapphires.

Harley stroked the necklace lovingly for a few moments before setting it gently on the bed and pulling another box from the pile.  Removing the lid, she found a pair of black high heeled gladiator sandals.  She lifted one out and felt the soft leathery material and inspected the memory foam inserts for cushiness.  Satisfied, she added it to the pile with the necklace and continued opening her gifts.  She stood pulling the largest box towards her and tugged the end of the ribbon to release the bow and flip the lid off.

Harley's eyes went wide as she took in the contents of the box.  She pulled it out and held it alongside her body.  The material was sleek and the material was soft and smooth.  The red started vibrantly before gradually darkening until the hem where it gave the illusion of being wet with fresh blood.  Harley took in all her presents and the realization of what they all meant dawned on her.

She spun around, eyes wide, to look at Joker who was watching her with great interest.  She beamed at him, still clinging to the gown.  "Oh, Puddin'!  Do you mean it?"  Joker tilted his head and jumped off the dresser to stand in front of her.  He smoothed his fingertips over her cheek before crooking his forefinger under her chin and looking down at her with soft eyes.

"Well,  _I'm_ not going to wear the dress."  Harley giggled and pushed the dress into his hands before yanking her clothes off and shimmying into the gown.  The neckline dove to just under her breasts and Joker tied the straps behind her neck in a large bow.  The back was practically nonexistent as it appeared just barely in time to cover her butt.  The skirt twirled and swirled artfully around her feet and pooled on the floor.  Harley sat on the bed and pulled her new gladiator shoes onto her feet and tied the laces at the sides.  Joker disappeared into the closet and began pulling on his own tuxedo.

The invitations had been sent out less than twenty-four hours previously and all but a three had RSVPed.  The usual two, Ra's and Talia al Ghul.  They were more pretentious than Two-Face for being at the forefront of an association known purely for its willful murder of whoever pissed them off.  Joker invited them for the same reasons he used to invite Two-Face all those years.  They were prominent foes to law and order adding to the chaos that Joker so dearly loved.  They had also each pissed off the Batman in their own unique ways.  The third silent party was a new comer to Joker's party list.  The Green Question.  Joker hadn't expected such a dry response for someone attempting to claw their way down the criminal underworld.  He had to assume the man hadn't known what the invitation implied and thus couldn't expect the man to respond correctly.

Harley was finalizing her make-up as Joker returned fully clothed.  Her hair was half up in two buns on either side of her head with the rest falling in light curls around her shoulders.  Joker scooted her over and began reapplying his own make-up.  Harley began adding jewelry to her ensemble starting with her new JOKER'S GIRL necklace.  She pulled on blue satin elbow length gloves and strapped on gold and diamond bracelets around them.  She shoved earrings through the holes in her ears with no concern for whether or not they matched and pet down her hair as Joker shoved his rings onto his fingers.

"Not that one." Harley told him as he went to shove a ring onto his left ring finger.  Joker stopped and looked down at the ring.  The one he had given to Harley years before.  He had gotten so caught up that he hadn't thought about it.  He hadn't worn a ring on that finger in years.  Joker set the ring back down and traded out his diamond and gold Rolex for his Audemars Piguet Royal Oak.  Harley stood and walked to the bedroom door and the babies bounded after her.  She pet them softly and looked over to Joker who was double checking his hair in the vanity.

"Can we bring the babies, Puddin'?" Joker looked over his shoulder at her and the babies.  He frowned thoughtfully.

"I don't see why not." He answered. "Just be sure they don't get into too much trouble."  Harley smiled and nodded.  They took the elevator down to the ground level and walked outside into the open air of Amusement Mile.  The walk to Cajun Bay was a short jaunt from their home and held the largest reception room.  Joker liked it because it was Mardi Gras themed in Amusement Mile's heyday so the entire section was plastered with clown masks.  Harley could barely contain her excitement as the monstrous comedy/tragedy masks came into view.

"Oh, babe!  It's been so long since we've had one of these convict convivialities."  Joker laughed drawing her to a stop and kissed her neck just below her ear.

"I thought it high time we remind our 'friends' who the king and queen are."  Harley nodded as Joker reached inside his tuxedo jacket and withdrew a final box and handed it to Harley.  Harley raised her brows in surprise.

"Puddin'?  But you spoiled me so much already!"  Joker frowned down at her.

"Do you not want it?" He asked making to grab it back.  Harley twisted it away and pried it open.  A small tiara rested on a velvet pillow inside.  Harley smiled and jerked it from its bed and tossed the box behind her.

"Oh my god!  Putitonputitonputiton!  Please!"  Joker laughed and took the tiara from her hands and settled it into her hair right between her twin buns and made sure it was securely fastened.  Harley's face was flushed as she beamed up at him.  Joker hummed in satisfaction and dipped his head low to capture her lips in a deep kiss.  Harley pressed herself against him in response for a second before recoiling and shoving him away.  Joker glared at her, his mouth still gaping from the abruptly ended kiss.

"You're goin' ta ruin my make-up, babe!  We haven't even stepped foot inside!"  Joker huffed in disappointment.

"It's not like you're trying to catch anyone's eye."  Joker growled.  Harley rubbed the tips of her fingers around the outside of her lips to clean up the smeared lipstick the best she could.

"Yes, but if I'm supposed ta be showin' these guys that I'm still the queen I oughtta at least look dignified."  Joker pouted but didn't argue.  He took Harley's hand and dragged her towards the large building at the end of the row with flashing lights and blasting music.  The babies didn't appreciate the noise, but they followed Joker and Harley faithfully into the party.

"By the way," Joker said as he drew Harley close once inside the building, "happy anniversary, baby."  Harley gave him a puzzled look.  "One year ago today I broke you out of prison and brought you home."  Harley blinked in surprise.   _Had it been that long_?  She kissed him in gratitude before weaving her way through the throngs of villains and their respective goons and over to the refreshments table.  Joker watched her go before finding his usual secluded booth on the uppermost platform.

"Mr. Joker," a nasally voice greeted.  "It has been quite some time since we've met face to face."  Joker frowned up at the short and stout man.  It was an unprecedented show of disrespect for a guest to approach him without Frost's secondhand approval let alone speak to him without waiting for introductions.

"Penguin."  Joker replied.  "Tell me, when you eat, do you prefer your fish fried or is sushi more your taste?"  Cobblepot frowned around the thick cigar tucked between his lips.  

"I suppose fried.  Never quite had the stomach for that raw stuff."  Joker smiled happily and clapped his hands.

"Excellent!"  Joker exclaimed.  Panda Man and the two Shark Heads appeared in Joker's booth and took Candi, one of Penguin's favorite sugar babies, by the arms and dragged her to the middle of the dance floor to a metal pole where they tied her up.  Candi was shouting at the men to leave her alone and Frost along with three other goons kept Penguin from acting.  One of the sharks dumped a container of gasoline on her and the other struck a match and tossed it onto her.  Candi burst into flames, her screams drowned out by the thumping of the music.  Penguin shouted for her before accepting the loss and turning to Joker in fury.

"What the hell was that for?"  Joker snarled and stood.  Cobblepot was very obviously trying not to cower.

"Isn't it obvious, Penguin?"  Joker asked in mock innocence. "I didn't want my little game to 'fizzle without a spark'."  Cobblepot paled and Joker smiled.

"I meant no disrespect."  Cobblepot stammered and he crouched into an awkward bow as he backed out of Joker's booth.  Joker waved off his henchmen to let him go.  He had made his point.  He caught sight of Harley across the dance floor talking to Roman Sionis.  It may not be the only point he was going to have to make tonight.

 


	26. Showtime

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Joker and Harley entertain their guests.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There is a significant amount of violence in here. Like a lot. Death. Mayhem. Torture. Don't say I didn't tell you so.

Chapter 26

"I heard you were locked up in a swamp."  Harley turned with her drink and eyed Roman Sionus, a crime lord that went by the  _very_ creative name Black Mask.  Harley frowned at him and placed a hand on Lou's soft head.  Bud circled Roman with interest as he sipped his drink, a heady whiskey in a crystal tumbler.

"I heard you were still an asshole."  Harley retorted.  She paused for a second and pretended to look him up and down.  "Looks like we both heard right."  Roman scowled back at Harley and his fist clenched around his glass.  He took a deep breath and reminded himself of where he was and why he had approached Harley in the first place.  He cleared his throat and tried again.

"What I mean to say is that I have an acquaintance that went missing around the time you did."  He watched Harley's gaze slip past his shoulder and glaze over as she stared at the still burning Candi.  "I believe he was taken to the same swamp and I hoped you may have seen him."  Harley blinked slowly, her eyes didn't leave the fire but her nose wrinkled a bit.

"You would think melting Candi would smell sweeter, dontcha agree?"  She mused.  Roman peered back over his shoulder at the smoldering corpse and wrinkled his nose.  He  shook his head and looked back at Harley.

"I couldn't say."  Harley looked at him and frowned.

"That's 'cause ya ain't got the imagination."  Roman growled in frustration.

"Listen, girl, I am trying-" The music started at that moment drowning out Roman's words.  Harley smirked at him and started to walk around him towards the dance floor, but Roman grabbed her wrist.  Harley spun back around to face him.  "Waylon Jones.  You know him?"  Roman demanded.  Harley smiled politely.

"Never heard of 'im."  She answered.  "An' if ya don't let go of my wrist no one's gonna hear from you."  Roman's anger and disappointment surged and his grip on Harley's thin wrist tightened.  The babies growled and cackled at her sides and the sound reminded Roman of the Joker who was surely watching his every move.  "Like, now?" Harley urged, flapping her arm to draw his attention to it.  Roman considered it.

"Maybe you saw him.  He's a hard guy to miss."  Roman reasoned.  Harley sneered.

"Listen, pal, I was kept away from the other prisoners for the most part."  She moved in close to him until she could speak without shouting.  "I had this nasty habit of putting them in the hospital."  Harley pulled back a fraction of an inch.  "Sometimes the morgue."  She added with a smile and a wink.  Roman didn't budge.

"He's a big guy.  Doubt you'd be able to do much damage, if any."  Roman retorted.  Harley tugged at her arm, but his grip didn't let up.

"Look."  Harley huffed.  "I don't know your friend.  Now leave me alone."  Roman pulled her arm and then he was flung through the air.  He landed heavily against one of the support pillars and he fell to the ground.  Before he could get to his feet, the babies were on him.  Saliva dripped from their fangs as the snarled viciously in his face.  Harley rubbed her wrist and looked down at him with indifference.

"Boss says your invitation has been rescinded." Frost announced.  Roman edged his way up the pillar slowly so as not to alarm the hyenas and into a standing position.  Everyone in the room was staring at him and the music had stopped playing.

"Pity."  Harley told him.  "You're gonna miss all the fun!  And Mista J promised me a  _special_ surprise for lata'!"  Roman scowled.

"Look, Quinn, I gotta ask one more time.  Are you sure you never heard of or saw Waylon Jones in that swamp?  People call him Killer Croc so maybe-"

"KC?"  Harley said. Roman stopped and a flicker of hope passed across his eyes.  Harley smiled at him.  ";Course I know KC!  We're good buddies!  We go all the way back to a tarmac in Midway City.  Those were good times."  Roman wrinkled his brow.

"Midway City?"  Harley smiled and nodded.  "When was he in Midway City?"  Harley rolled her eyes and crossed her arms.

"When we fought the Enchantress, duh."  Harley looked around the room and noted the looks of confusion on every one of the guests.  Harley uncrossed her arms.  "When she was trying to take over the world?"  Harley stomped her foot.  "Midway City practically blew up like a year ago!  How do you people not remember this?"

"Well, yeah, but I heard the men in tights took care of that."  Roman admitted.  Harley stomped her foot again and growled in frustration.

" _No_!  That was me an' KC an' Deadshot an' Boomer an' Katana an' Hot Stuff an' even that stupid soldier boy managed to help a bit!"  She turned to find Joker.  He had made his way through the crowd and was standing just behind Harley.  "Tell 'em, Mista J!  You saw!" Joker rolled his eyes.

"I saw you and those morons on a rooftop in Midway City.  I didn't see hide nor hair of a witch."  Harley looked like she was about to cry.

"But I-"

"Harley." Joker interrupted.  "This is a party.  We aren't going to interrupt our felon festivities with your tales of heroism, are we?"  Harley looked down and shook her head.  Joker snapped his fingers and the two shark heads dragged Roman from the building and the music started up again.  It was an elegant, classical tune and Joker took Harley's hand in his.

"You don't believe me about the Suicide Squad, do ya, Mista J?"  Joker growled and pulled Harley into a dance.

"Don't get all mopey, Harls.  I'm trying to do something nice for you.  Don't make me regret it."  Harley lifted her face and met his eyes.

"What do you mean?  Isn't this all to get back some of your diminished street cred?"  As soon as the words were out of her mouth Harley regretted them.  Joker's eyes hardened and his fingers dug into her waist painfully.

"If my street cred  _is_ at all diminished, it is entirely your fault."  Joker spun them in a wide circle, slowly leading them into a dark corner.  "You were the one who got herself arrested by the Batman.  You were the one that got herself tossed in a cage in a swamp in Louisiana of all places.  You were the one who taunted and enticed the prison guards and got in over her head.  And  _you_ were the one who went on a whack-a-doodle crime spree the second she got back because a stupid television show got canceled a  _decade_ ago."  Joker pushed Harley against the wall, his hand closing around her slim neck.  The necklace dug into her tender flesh hard enough to draw blood and dark spots speckled in Harley's vision.  "So if  _my_ reputation is damaged, maybe I should get rid of the thing that is causing all the problems!"

"Okay, Puddin'."  Harley choked out in agreement.  Joker furrowed his brow and his grip loosened a bit on her neck.

"What?"  Harley sucked in what little air she could.

"You're right, J, I am always causin' problems."  Harley told him.  "You oughtta get ridda me."  Joker released her throat and Harley doubled over, coughing hard as the air worked its way back into her lungs.  Joker grabbed her shoulders and pulled her upright again.

"Quit being so dramatic, Harley."  Harley said nothing and refused to meet his eyes.  Joker curled his hand into a fist and punched the wall next to her ear.  Harley didn't seem to notice.  Joker rubbed his eyes and pulled his hand down his face.  He touched his fingertips ever so gently to her bruised neck and tenderly urged her face up toward his.  He was relieved to see that she wasn't crying and he stroked her cheek delicately and gave her a reassuring smile.  

"Sorry, Mista J, I dunno why I said that."  Harley looked down again and Joker dipped his head and forced her to meet his eyes again.

"Hey, hey," he cooed, "I know what'll cheer you up."  Harley smiled but Joker noted that her eyes were lacking that special sparkle he loved so much.

"What is it?"  Her voice had a forced cheer to it that made Joker want to cringe.  He smiled instead.

"What always cheers you up when you're in a funk?"  Harley pursed her lips and tilted her head in thought.

"Fucking you?"  Joker laughed and nodded.  

"Besides that?"  He asked through his laughter.  Harley thought for a moment.

"Senseless murder always seems to do the trick."  Joker stopped laughing and stared at her with his shark smile.  Harley's eyes brightened and she looked beyond him to the crowded room.  "Ooh!  Who?"  Joker took her hand and patted it.

"It's a surprise and you know that these surprises always require a bit off...showmanship."  Harley beamed at him with excitement and nodded.

"Lead the way, Puddin'!" She urged impatiently.  Joker lead her up to their booth on the highest platform and motioned for the band to stop.  As the music cut off a spotlight was aimed at Joker and the guests turned and looked up at their King and Queen.  Harley was reminded of the opening scene from the Lion King.  Except instead of cute animals, there were hordes of cartoonishly dressed murderers.  Harley spotted a few of her favorites in Mr. Freeze, Scarecrow, and Death Stroke.  They came in full costume as they always did despite everyone already knowing their not so secret identities.

"Ladies and Gentlemen!"  Joker crowed loudly.  "As you may know, my lovely assistant was taken from me by the Batman and hidden away at an undisclosed location.  It was one year ago today that I braved the tower, fought the many headed dragon, and retook what is rightfully mine."  The guests pretended to look impressed.  "It had since been brought to my attention that some of the dragon's heads were not the friendliest to my honey bunch and so for our entertainment tonight, I have rounded them up and brought them here."  Four additional spotlights flicked on across the room to where four men were tied to support beams with their arms above their heads and gags in their mouths.  "Meet Farnwell, Peters, Robertson, and my long time friend, Griggs."  Harley's smile dropped as she stared at her traumatizing past in living color.  "Tonight, I will be playing the role of judge and jury.  The lovely Harley Quinn will be set for the role of executioner.  I would like to thank our audience in advance for coming to see the show.  Now," he turned to Harley and held out his hand.  Harley was still staring shakily at her past, but she timidly placed her hand in Joker's.  "let's begin, shall we?"

He gestured for Harley to descend onto the main floor and she put her hand on the railing and dragged her show smile onto her face.  She passed the still smoldering corpse of Candi and stopped about five feet away from the four ex-prison guards.  She could feel her heart beating in her ears and she thought she may pass out for a second.  Then she looked at Robertson's defiant glare.  Her resolve hardened as she stared at each of the miserable scum sucking men that had plagued her life long after they were no longer physically in it.  Her show smiled morphed into a gleeful, murderous grin.

"First up," Joker announced loudly from his place behind her, "is Belle Reve Guard C12, Jason Lee Farnwell.  He is accused of physically harassing and assaulting Prisoner #6669.  He is found...guilty.  He is sentenced to death by whatever method our executioner sees fit."  Farnwell screamed under his gag and Joker pretended to listen.  "What?  No.  I'm sorry.  The court's decision is final.  There will be no appeals or retrials."  A final spotlight lit a cache of weapons for Harley to choose from.  Harley picked up her beloved mallet and twirled it artfully in her fingers.  She reached down and pulled out a Bowie knife and walked over to Farnwell.  She held the knife against his face.  She slipped it beneath the straps of his gag and cut it off.

"You psychos need to be put down permanently."  He yelled for the whole room to hear.  Joker frowned, but he had decided to let Harley enact whatever revenge she wanted so he sat down in his throne and watched as Harley freed Farnwell's arms and backed up to let him untie his own feet.

"Death by combat seems fitting."  Harley announced.  She pointed her mallet at him and scowled.  "This time, there'll be no cheating."  Farnwell rubbed his wrists and stared back at her.  Harley let her mallet rest at her side and she held her arms out.  "Well, c'mon then."  She goaded.  "Fight for your life."  Farnwell screamed and hurled himself at her.  Harley used her mallet as a boost and kicked her legs up until they wrapped around his neck and she twisted, knocking him to the ground.  It was a difficult feet in her floor length ball gown, but she achieved the desired effect with minimal difficulty.  He tried to buck her off and Harley let him flip her away.  She gripped her mallet in both hands and swung hard catching him in the gut.  He fell to his side and Harley whacked her mallet down against his knee.  There was a crack and Farnwell screamed in agony.  The crowd cheered behind Harley and she felt her energy rise with the praise.  She brought her mallet down on his other knee, shattering it as well.

"Stop!  I'm sorry!  I'm sorry!"  Farnwell cried.  Harley frowned down at him, her mallet perched on her shoulder.

"Hmm." Harley hummed.  She shook her head.  "Not good enough."  She brought her mallet down on his head and blood spurted out like water out of a broken water main.  She smashed the mallet into his face over and over again until he was long dead.  Harley stopped, blood splattered over her and her gown as she turned to look back at Joker who was relaxed in his chair watching with interest.  She leaned against her mallet and blew a tuft of fallen hair out of her face.  Joker nodded and stood up.

"Wowee!"  He exclaimed.  "One down, three to go!  Next up we have William Robertson, Belle Reve Guard C23."  Joker paused and wrinkled his face in disgust.  "Really?"  He demanded of the gagged man. "Your name is Billy Bob?"  He shook his head.  "Your parents must've _hated_ you."  Robertson pulled at the bindings trapping him to his post as though he wanted to take on the Clown Prince himself.  "No matter.  You won't be using that awful name for much longer anyhow.  So you, like Mr. Farnwell, are accused of  physically harassing and assaulting Prisoner #6669.  After reviewing the evidence, you are found...."  Joker looked down at his audience.  "Well, give me a drum roll!"  The band kicked into gear and the percussionists quickly did a drum roll.  "GUILTY!"  Joker cried gleefully.  "You are sentenced to death by decision of the executioner."  He held his arm out to turn the audience's attention back to Harley.  "Executioner, take it away!"

Harley leaned her mallet against the weapons cache and retrieved the Bowie knife before walking over to Robertson.  He waited for her to remove his binds, but instead, she turned the knife on her dress and cut away most of the long skirt.  When she finished, the dress hung to mid-thigh in some areas and higher in other areas.  She kicked the fabric remnants away and turned the knife on Robertson.  She cut his gag away.

"Jason was a weakling.  You won't be getting away scotch free from me."  Robertson promised.  Harley smiled at him and pulled the sharp blade of the knife down his face.  He grunted in pain as she applied a matching cut down the other side of his face.

"Do you think you deserve death by combat Billy Bob?" She asked.  Robertson scowled and cocked his head at the crowd.

"It's what they want, isn't it?"  Harley dragged the blade across Robertson's body making him grind his teeth to stop from crying out.  Harley twisted her mouth in a thoughtful frown.

"Maybe it is."  She agreed. "Unfortunately for you, it doesn't matter what they want."  She turned to Panda Man and beckoned him over.  She leaned in and whispered at him and he disappeared for a second before returning with a chair for Harley to stand on.  Panda Man helped her up and she straightened out his pinky finger before using the knife to remove it.  Robertson screamed and Harley shoved the severed finger into his open move.  Harley removed each of his fingers and then moved onto his eyes and nose.  She returned to her cache and dug out a pair of silver tongs which she used to pull out a few of his teeth.  The crowd had a mixed reaction.  Some didn't have the stomach for the grotesque torture while others couldn't get enough.  Joker watched as his precious little killer used the pair of tongs and the Bowie knife to relieve Robertson of his tongue.  By the time Harley was finished, Robertson hardly resembled a person anymore.  He looked more like a busted Jack-o-lantern on November first.  Harley turned to Joker.  "Death by a thousand cuts."  

"And just when you thought she couldn't get crazier!"  Joker trumpeted from his balcony.  The crowd turned their attention away from the repulsive carcass and back to Joker.  "Next up is Ryan Peters, Belle Reve Guard B15.  Now this is interesting because you weren't even assigned to Prisoner #6669's block and you still stand accused of physically harassing and abusing her.  Interesting."  Joker mused.  "After careful consideration of the evidence, you are found...." The band did a quick drum roll.  "Guilty.  You are, of course, sentenced to death.  Executioner, the floor is yours."  Joker sat back in his throne and watched Harley begin.

She released Peters from his trappings and picked up her mallet.  "I hope you put up more of a fight than Farnwell."  She confided as she watched him consider his options.  She quickly bored and hit him in the back with her mallet.  Peters groaned and turned to fight.  Harley's hopes were dashed as Peters proved less capable than Peters and she decided to focus on breaking as many of his bones as she could with her mallet.  The crowd cheered at his screams until he screamed no more.

Harley was a sight to behold.  Her tattered dress splattered head to foot in blood and the maniacal light in her eyes.  Her cheeks were flushed and Joker found it hard to tell if it was from exertion or excitement.  Either way, it didn't matter.  She seemed to be having the time of her life and Joker knew he had made the right call.  He clapped his hands to pull the attention back to him.

"Last, but certainly not least, I give you Hunter Samuel Griggs, Belle Reve Alpha 01."  Joker smiled down at Griggs who was a shell of the man he had met more than a year ago.  He glanced at Harley and could see she was trembling as she stared daggers at the man, if he could be called that.   _Hmm_ , Joker thought,  _this should be interesting_.


	27. Cathartic Chaos

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Griggs and Harley have a 'heart felt' reunion.

Chapter 27

Griggs had known he was marked for death long ago.  He had lost track of the days, months, or years.  Sure, when he was sitting in the kitchens of his favorite illegal casino, he thought he may still have a chance.  Surely someone wouldn’t pay more than a hundred grand just to kill someone as menial as him.  If he could prove his usefulness, he may still have a chance.

But then the cold hands clapped down on his shoulders and that raspy voice tickled his ears and his stomach fell to the floor.  The Joker was remorseless and Griggs had spent the better part of a year torturing his girlfriend.  He had photographs.  He thought his heart might stop when he thought that the Joker may have seen those photographs.

When Joker didn’t immediately murder him, Griggs figured he was overreacting.  Maybe even hallucinating.  It was all probably some horrible dream that he would wake up from feeling a little shaken, but ultimately forget.  What would the Joker be doing outside of Gotham City anyway?

But Griggs didn’t wake up from the nightmare.  His first instinct was to punish Joker by killing Harley.  But he shoved that idiotic idea aside.  That was just a fast track for death.  If he had to go, he was going to make sure he kept himself alive for as long as possible.  He could prove that he was useful beyond aiding Joker in rescuing his girlfriend.

He began to do all he could to prove that he was a good and loyal lapdog.  Worthy of mercy and useful enough to keep around.  But when he slipped Harley the cellphone like the good boy he was, his hope crashed and burned.  Harley wouldn’t let Joker forget that Griggs was responsible for all the grief he had piled on her.  He was a goner.

Griggs’ drinking habit increased.  He had already been a drunken gambler in hundreds of thousands of dollars of debt.  After his meeting with the Joker, his habits became borderline deadly.  He drank so much he put himself in the hospital for three days with alcohol poisoning.  His wife, Jane, who had been a stranger to him for two years at that point, talked of leaving with his three daughters.  His oldest daughter, seventeen year old Chloe, refused to visit him in the hospital.  His middle daughter, fifteen year old Leona, and youngest daughter, thirteen year old Jasmine, came for a visit but refused to talk to him.

Griggs receded into himself.  He was helpless to stop his impending death.  In a last ditch effort, he packed a bag and made plans to run.  The Joker had other plans.  His henchmen grabbed him and forced him to help launch a full scale attack on Belle Reve.  When it was over, Griggs thought he would have time to escape himself, but he was taken.  He woke up in a holding cell not unlike the one he’d had Deadshot in back in Belle Reve.

He was alone in that room for months.  The man who brought him food once or twice a week never spoke to him and Griggs couldn’t decide if it was because he wasn’t able to, was ordered not to, or if he simply didn’t care to.  It was difficult to map his time in his cage.  He did the best he could basing time on his sleep patterns and his meals.  Water dripped into his cell from a leaky pipe, eliminating the need for his captor to bring him water.  Griggs would lie on the floor and let the water drip into his open mouth while his body detoxed from the drugs and alcohol.

Then, what Griggs guessed to be about a month into his captivity, he was yanked from his cell and brought into a small room only slightly bigger than his cell.  Griggs thought maybe he had just been relocated until the door opened again and the Joker stormed in.  He didn’t say a word before sucker punching Griggs right in the face.  Griggs fell back and Joker dropped on top of him and hit him again and again until Griggs was sure he was dead.

He woke up on a gurney with an I.V. stuck in his arm and a feeding tube shoved down his throat.  After he had healed enough to be out of immediate danger, he was shoved back into his cell and the routine returned to normal.

It was impossible to gauge when he would get his ‘visits’ from the Joker.  They seemed to be completely random for the most part.  Occasionally, Joker would scream incoherently at him as he pummeled him to within an inch of his life.  He once thought he heard something about Harley throwing knives at him.  But he also thought he heard him say something about the Gilmore Girls so Griggs figured he must’ve busted his ear drums or something.

In the quiet hours between beatings when Griggs was alone, he would think of his wife and daughters.  He fantasized about getting free and returning to them.  Of repairing all the damage he had done and living out his days peacefully with his family.  There was no way he was getting out of here alive.  He knew that much for certain.  He had accepted his inevitable death.  His only ounce of peace was that his wife and daughters would be free of him and his screw ups.

The loud music woke Griggs up.  He hadn’t heard music in ages.  It’s a strange sensation.  You become so accustomed to hearing music every day in every situation.  Whether you are driving in your car or shopping for dinner, there is music being played constantly.  Even if you aren’t hearing it physically, music has a way of sticking in your mind and playing through your memories.  But like all memories, it fades.

Griggs hadn’t heard music in so long he had forgotten the feeling.  It was a startling feeling.  He had fantasized so often and elaborately about his release that he thought he may have willed it into reality.  As he regained control of his faculties, he noticed the gag in his mouth and his arms tied above his head to a thick post.  Lights flashed across the large room and he saw a horrifying conglomeration of criminals.  A few Griggs knew on sight, but others he assumed were criminals based on their company.

He heard a shuffling to his right and he looked over.  The strobe lights flashed over three other faces, gagged like him and bound to identical posts.  Griggs’ recognized them instantly.  Peters, Farnwell, and Williams.  Three of Harley’s worst tormenters from Belle Reve.  Which meant that Harley had told Joker everything.

Screaming started up at the dance floor and Griggs watched two of Joker’s minions tie a scantily clad woman to a beam in the center of the floor and douse her with gasoline before setting her on fire.  For some reason he couldn’t explain and didn’t have time to think through, Griggs felt nothing watching the girl burn to death in front of a crowd of onlookers.  Her screams didn’t make him sick to his stomach and the smell of her roasting flesh did nothing to his nerves.

This was it.  The final act.  After tonight it would all be over and he wouldn’t have to deal with the torture anymore.  He wouldn’t be resuscitated after this beating.  He could slip away into the bleak nothingness of the afterlife and never be bothered by the Joker or Harley Quinn ever again.

Joker began the production.  Harley Quinn would be doing the honors.  Griggs thought it seemed fitting that the one he tortured would be his demise.  The Joker and Harley seemed to live in a world of Just Desserts.  At least when it came to people who wronged them.  He watched impassively as Harley beat Farnwell to death with her mallet.  He barely flinched when she carved Williams up like a Thanksgiving turkey.  He hardly blinked when she pulverized Peters.  Even knowing that he was next.

“Last but certainly not least, I give you Hunter Samuel Griggs, Belle Reve Alpha 01.”  Joker bellowed proudly from his perch.  This was a game to Joker.  How long can he torment his play toy before it falls apart?  Griggs was just his chew toy.  Speaking of chew toys, Griggs thought he saw a pair of enormous hyenas gnawing on Farnwell’s corpse just behind Harley.  He returned his focus to Joker as he continued speaking.

“Griggsy, me and you have had a lot of fun together this past year, wouldn’t you say?”  Griggs squinted up at Joker who was leaning on the banister with posture that alluded to someone having a casual conversation with an old friend.  Not someone shouting at a prisoner strung up more than fifty feet away.  Joker sighed dramatically.  “But I _did_ promise my schnookums she could have her way with you as an anniversary gift.”  Harley bared her teeth at Griggs.  “But today is _our_ anniversary, too, you know.  One year ago today, I put you in a cage to play with.  It would seem that this will be our final parting so, since I’m feeling so _sentimental_ , I got you a parting gift as well.”  Griggs wrinkled his brow as Joker snapped his fingers.  A side door opened and four henchmen pushed four hand trucks onto the floor and Griggs’ stomach twisted for the first time that night.

Jane, Chloe, Leona, and Jasmine were each strapped to the hand trucks with gags in their mouths.  Griggs felt like vomiting.  _How long had he had them_?  Griggs wondered.  They didn’t appear to be in as bad a condition as he was.  The grime wasn’t as caked on to them as it was to him.  He tried to express his apology to them through his eyes.  He had wished to keep them from this.

“Now, Jane seemed surprised when I told her about your gambling debts that I paid off.  She had no idea you all were on the brink of financial devastation.”  Joker continued his exposé.  “Nor did she have any idea about the hookers you employed or the drugs.”  Joker tsked and shook his head slowly in disappointment.  “Now, Griggsy, that is _not_ the way to have a healthy relationship.  I mean look at me and Harley.  Sure she gets on my nerves and I have a nasty habit of flying off the handle when she gets a little ‘over’ honest with me, but we always make up.  Don’t we, cupcake?”  Harley beamed up at Joker.

“Well, who could stay mad at that smile?”  She replied.  Joker laughed and nodded before turning his attention back to Griggs.

“You see, Griggs, communication is key.  Which is why I am going to give you a last chance to apologize to your adoring family before you hop on the Good Ship Lollipop and skidaddle right on outta here.”  Joker nodded to Harley who walked over and removed Griggs’ gag.

"Whaddaya say, Griggs?  Just like spring break, isn't it?"  Harley hissed as she slid the knife under the strap of his gag.  She turned to his wife before he could respond and removed her gag, too.

“Honey?  Jane?”  Jane was shaking uncontrollably.  “Janie, I’m so sorry, babe.  I know I messed up, okay.  I didn’t mean for-”

“You ‘messed up’?”  Jane demanded.  “What?  Did you forget to pay the electric bill?  Did you not take the dog out?  You didn’t just ‘mess up’, Hunter.  You destroyed us.  And never have I ever even thought this because I love our daughters so much, but I truly wish I had never met you.  I am sorry my girls had to grow up with such a piece of shit for a father.  You disgust me-” A shot rang out and Jane’s words were cut off permanently.  The three girls next to her screamed against their gags.  Tears streamed down their filthy faces making streaks in the grime.

“What a frigid bitch.”  Harley observed.  “I can see why you started looking elsewhere to get your rocks off.”  Griggs’ mouth was still hanging open as he stared at Jane’s lifeless body.

“Shut up!  You’re nothing but the psychotic sex toy for that sociopathic clown.  And you wanna blame Farnwell, Peters, and Williams, and me, but you know you were asking for _everything_ we did-” A second shot rang out and Chloe slumped down in her hand truck.  Joker rested his gun against the side of his face as he leaned on the railing and looked down at Griggs.

“Well, now, that’s two relationships you can never mend.  You’ll want to try a little harder with the next one, huh?”  Harley released the gag from Leona’s mouth.

“Just shoot me now.  I don’t have anything to say to that creep.”  She said the second her mouth was free of the gag.  Harley frowned at her.

“Lee, c’mon, baby.  I’m still your father.”  Griggs argued.  Leona scowled.

“A father doesn’t get his kids tortured and killed.  You’re no father of mine.”

“Is that your final answer?”  Joker asked.  Leona faltered.  She opened her mouth, but couldn’t figure out the right words.  Joker shrugged and put a bullet in her head.  Harley ungagged Jasmine and waited.  Jasmine was sobbing loudly and Griggs desperately tried to soothe her.  She would not be consoled and the sound of her loud sobs made Joker grit his teeth in irritation.  He pulled the trigger for peace of mind.  He rubbed his temples and stowed his gun back in its holster.

“Alrighty.  I guess that’s four relationships you’ll never get the opportunity to resolve.  Ah well.  Maybe you’ll see them in hell.”  Joker waved Harley on and took his seat on his throne.  Harley turned to Griggs with a venomous grin.  She untied Griggs and waited for him to get to his feet.  Harley tilted her head and took in his weakened body.  He was thin and his face was gaunt.  He was almost as pale as Harley and Joker, but not quite.  He was a ghost of his former self and Harley wondered about the year Joker had him.  He was no longer the swaggery man of confidence who tortured her, drugged her, forced himself on her, and allowed others to do the same.  This was a man with nothing more to lose.

Harley felt a sense of disappointment as she caught Griggs around the neck with her legs and brought him down to the floor.  She slid back and straddled his waist.  Griggs lay defeated on the floor.  He didn’t put up a fight so Harley ran her hands gently over his chest and shoulders.  She wiggled her hips against his pelvis and felt him react.  She pet his greasy hair softly and leaned into him.  Her warm breath tickled his skin as her hands slid up and down his body.  He felt oddly relaxed and uncomfortably horny.

Suddenly, Harley wrapped her fingers around his neck, twisted his head to the side, and bit his ear off.  Griggs screamed as Harley spit the ear out.  Bud trampled over and gobbled the bloody tissue up in one bite.  Griggs thrashed beneath her and Harley pulled the Bowie knife from the strap of her gladiator heel.  She dug the blade into chest and began skinning him alive.

Harley was focused on her task, but she heard the sounds of vomiting and the henchmen telling the crowd that nobody leaves until they’re dismissed.

Griggs held out for much longer than Harley gave him credit for.  She was almost down to his legs before he stopped breathing.  Upon separating Griggs’ skin from his body, she cut into him and used the handle of her knife to break his ribs before cutting out his heart.  Harley stood up and tossed the Bowie knife behind her and picking up her mallet.  She dropped his heart on the floor and whacked it with her mallet until it was nothing but a disgusting pile of pink and red goo on the floor.

“Ladies and Gentlemen,” Joker called as he picked up his jacket and slowly descended the stairs to the main floor, “I hope this night clears up any misunderstandings with regards to the actions I will take against _anyone_ who weighs negatively on me, my girl, or my business.”  He put his hand on Harley’s waist and guided her toward the exit.  “Do have a good night.”  He told them all as he and Harley walked outside and across the park home. 


	28. Lazy Day

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Joker and Harley have a relaxing day in the apartment.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have been toying with this chapter for a week now and I just couldn't get it just the way I wanted. Anyway, let me know what you think.

Chapter 28

Joker rolled over, his hand sliding across the bed searching until he found the soft warmth of Harley’s body.  He trailed his fingers softly up and down Harley’s tense arm before gripping a large portion of her skin between his thumb and forefinger and pinching.  Hard.

Harley let out a yowl and jolted upright.  Never opening his eyes, Joker wrapped his long fingers around her arm and yanked her down against him wrapping his arms tightly around her waist and steeling her to him.  He nuzzled his face against her neck and breathed in her sweet, chemical scent as her hair tickled his nose.

Harley’s body seemed to be frozen as the events gradually clicked into place and her awareness shook into focus.  She put her arm around his neck and put the other in his soft, green hair.  She gently massaged his scalp in long, slow strokes making Joker purr happily into her neck.  He pressed a kiss against her delicate skin and squeezed his arms tightly around her for a second before relaxing.

After a few quiet minutes, Harley noted that Joker’s breathing had become slow and even and knew he had fallen back to sleep.  She continued idly petting his hair and she began humming some long forgotten tunes more to herself than to him.  She was trying to silence the war of voices that raged in her head.  For some reason she couldn’t work out, skinning Griggs alive had only made them louder.

Harley used to love listening to the voices in her head.  Oftentimes, they were the only things that got her through the long, lonely days in prison.  They would whisper fanciful things to her or give her suggestions on potential break outs.  Mostly, they just spoke to her about the inner workings of the prison guards’ minds.  What their fears were.  What they desired more than anything else.  The easiest ways to trick them into their deaths.

Most people knew Harley only as the Joker’s girlfriend, the Queen of Gotham City, or Psycho Clown Deux, but she had another name.  The Siren of Gotham and she often thought that name suited her much more than the others.  Her song may not be as sweet and her smile may not be as tender, but she could trick you to the depths of hell just as easily.  Harley Quinn could make you dig your own grave, build your own coffin, walk into, and board it up.  She’d even lend you the shovel.

But now, she seemed a hollowed out version of herself.  She wasn’t as audacious or as promiscuous.  She was losing her spark and that very thought sparked a larger fear that lay coiled in her belly like a cobra.  The voices she heard now were louder than her playmates.  Waller and the Enchantress hunted her insecurities and self-doubt and turned it against her.  Their voices would trickle into her dreams and make her already precarious hold on reality even worse.

_He doesn’t love you_.  Waller would whisper to her.  _You are becoming weak. The Joker doesn’t tolerate weakness.  You aren’t special.  He’ll get rid of you._

_I can_ make _him love you, child.  I can make him anything you wish._ Enchantress would hiss at her.  _After all, he_ is _my creation.  You are living in a dream world of my making.  I can make it as pleasant or torturous as I like.  Or as_ you _like, if you bend to my whim._

_Shut up the both of ya! He_ came _for me.  He_ does _love me_! Harley hummed louder in an attempt to drown them out. 

_He never came for you._ Waller hissed.

_This is all a part of the fantasy world_ I _created for you_.  Enchantress taunted.

“Are you humming Good Charlotte?”  Harley looked down meeting Joker’s cool blue eyes as he stared quizzically up at her.  Harley’s hand still in his hair and her cheeks flushed with embarrassment.

“Sorry, Mistah J, I didn’t mean ta wake ya.” Harley whispered.  Joker yawned shaking his head as he sat up and swung his legs over the side of the bed.  Harley frowned as her fingers fell out of his hair.

“It’s fine.  We can’t stay in bed all day anyway.”  Harley sat up on her knees and crawled over to him.  She pressed her breasts against his back and wrapped her arms around his shoulders running her hands down and across his chest.  She peppered kiss from his shoulder up to his ear.

“Why not, Puddin’?  Don’tcha wanna spend the day havin’ fun with me?”  She whispered huskily into his ear before licking his earlobe and pulling it between her teeth.

Joker growled in response and his hand moved onto her thigh and squeezed.  Harley smiled and slipped one of her hands lower and lower until she gripped him and gave him a slow stroke.  Joker’s fingers dipped into her already wet cunt and Harley arched her back pressing her chest more firmly into his back as she continued to lick and kiss his shoulder, neck, and cheek.

Joker pulled his hand back and twisted at the waist.  He grabbed Harley by her arms and pulled her onto his lap and moved her until she straddled him.  Harley grinned and gripped his neck with both hands and snapped her teeth at him playfully.  He put his left hand on her breast and rolled her nipple between his fingers.  With his other hand, he cupped the back of Harley’s neck and pulled her in until their lips met.  His thumb stroked her cheek as his left hand slipped away from her breast and slipped back into her moist folds.  Harley moaned into his mouth and ground her hips down against his hand and pulled his head more forcefully to hers.

Just as Harley was about to cum, Joker flipped them over so that Harley was on her back with her legs dangling off the edge of the bed.  She quickly wrapped them around Joker’s hips as he drove himself into her and pushed her over the edge.  Joker worked himself inside of her until he came.  He hovered above her for a few seconds before pulling out and disappearing into the closet.

Harley sighed and rolled over to her belly and watched him dress through the open closet door.  She curled her hands under her chin and chewed her lower lip as he pulled on a pair of tight black slacks.

“Well, that was cute.”  She told him.  He didn’t look up or acknowledge that she had spoken and Harley frowned.  She stood and headed for the bathroom.  “You always leave right when it’s getting’ fun.”  She snapped before she slammed the bathroom door.  Joker rolled his eyes and scratched his forehead.

Harley cranked the water on and stepped under the spray.  She was rinsing the conditioner out of her hair when a hauntingly familiar tune crept through the door.  Harley shut the water off and listened.  She grabbed two towels from the pantry.  Wrapping one around her body and twisting the other around her hair, she walked into the living room.  Joker was sitting at the new grand piano in the far corner of the living room.  His back was to her as his fingers danced over the keys playing the song Harley had been humming.  The babies looked up from their spots at his feet when Harley walked in.

As Harley crept quietly into the room, Joker’s low voice began singing the lyrics in a slow, mesmerizing way bringing a sort of hollow loneliness to it.  Harley stopped.  Tears prickled in the corners of her eyes as the words struck a tender cord in Harley’s aching chest. 

“Feel the beat now/ If you’ve got nothing left/ Say I don’t wanna be in love/ I don’t wanna be in love.”  He crooned.

_You think this is real_?  Enchantress hissed.  Harley pushed her away and walked over to sit beside Joker.  She leaned her head against his bare shoulder and watched his heavily tattooed and bejeweled fingers flutter over the keys.  He finished the song and delved immediately into another.  Harley listened quietly and pet Lou who had put his head on her lap, his drool dripping on her bare legs.  After a few more songs, Joker became bored and shut the piano.  Harley pouted when he stood up and disappeared into his office.

She scratched Lou behind his ears for a second before moving over to the couch and flipping on Netflix.  She searched mindlessly through the television shows and movies before making a discovery that made her shriek in delight.  She hit play and cranked the volume up.  The familiar theme song echoed through the apartment and Harley sang along giddily.

Before the theme song had finished, she heard the office door open and Joker stood at the edge of the couch watching.  They had finished the original seven seasons months ago and though he would never admit it, Joker was reluctantly intrigued in the lives of the two babbling brunettes from Connecticut.

“Don’t you have work to do, Mistah J?”  Harley asked in faux innocence.  Joker frowned and glanced down at her.  He shrugged.

“Nothing that I can’t finish later.”  He confessed.  “Scoot over.”  Harley grinned and moved down the couch to make room for him.  Before the end of the first episode, the pair were cuddled on the couch with a large bowl half filled with cheese puffs and a nearly empty two liter of grape soda.  Harley’s towels lay forgotten on the floor and the soft fleece blanket was tucked around the two of them.  Occasionally, Joker’s hands would wander beneath the blanket and tease Harley just enough to get her distracted before desisting.

This made it nearly impossible for them to finish an episode without rewinding fifteen times.  Even so, they finished all four episodes in a single sitting and as the credits started they both erupted in fits of rage and dissatisfaction. 

“She’s _pregnant_?”

“Are they insinuating that it’s _Logan’s_ baby?”

“What the hell was _with_ her and Logan?  She belongs with Jess!”

“What about Lorelai!”

“And that whole ‘find herself’ thing?”

“And the way they killed Richard!”

“Ye- oh, well… that may have been a teensy weensy bit my fault.”

“He- what?”

“I may have scared him into a heart attack.”

“What?  When?”  Joker rolled his eyes.

“When I went and forced them to make new episodes for you, but I didn’t know they were going to shove this garbage at us and call it caviar.”  Harley swooned.  Joker wrinkled his brow down at her in confusion.  “What?”

“Aw, Mistah J, ya went through all that trouble for lil’ ol’ me?”  Joker frowned.

“I been through a lot more trouble for you a million times before if you’ll recall.”  Harley was beaming at him and he sighed and rolled his eyes.  “Shut up.”  He growled before pressing a firm kiss to her temple.

_Seems strange, doesn’t it_?  Waller intimated.

_Almost fantastical_ …. Enchantress added.

“Shut up.”  Harley ordered.  Joker paused and gave her a warning look.  Harley shook her head at him and gave a small smile.  “Not you.”  Joker wrinkled his forehead and nodded eyeing her warily.

“Tell them to leave for a few hours.”  He told her nuzzling her neck.  “I’m not feeling up for an orgy right now.”  Harley giggled and craned her neck up to kiss him.  Bud an Lou dove out of the way as Joker slammed Harley down on the coffee table and nipped and licked his way down her body.  She squirmed and giggled beneath him and let out a subdued moan as his tongue flicked inside her and he nibbled lightly at her clit.  Dug her fingers into his hair and threw her head back, banging it on the hard wood of the coffee table.  Joker paused and looked up at her.

“I’m okay.”  Harley told him.  Joker shrugged and resumed his task, swirling his fingers inside her.  Joker moved back up her body as she came and he rested on his forearms when their faces were even.

“Why is it that whenever oral is involved you always end up hitting your head?”  Harley drew her brows together in thought.

“I’m not-” Joker shoved inside her. “-sure.”  She finished on a moan.  They laughed and Joker pulled Harley up until he was sitting on the couch so she could ride him.  Harley pressed her forehead against his as she found her rhythm and Joker closed his eyes in pleasure.

 


	29. What's a Little Revenge Among Friends?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Harley sits in on one of Joker's meetings and tries to mend her friendship with Ivy.

Chapter 29

“All I’m trying to say, sir, is that the kid is just not working out.   He’s got puppy love for some stupid, blonde bimbo at that school-”

“Hey!” Harley snapped.  She was seated on Joker’s lap at the head of the table.  She had been swinging her feet and coloring a picture on the table as Joker listened to Simon’s argument.  Kyle had been working in Gotham’s private high school for nearly a year selling a wide variety of drugs.  Joker had been pleased with the influx of cash and increasingly annoyed with Simon’s near constant complaining about his new accomplice.

“Harleykins, I told you you could only stay if you promised to be super duper quiet, remember?”  Joker hushed her.  Harley frowned and glanced back at him.

“He was takin’ a shot at me.”  Joker rolled his eyes.

“No, he wasn’t.  I wouldn’t allow that and you know it.”  Harley still frowned but she conceded the fact and went back to coloring.

“I wasn’t tryin’ to crack wise about your girl, Boss. Honest. I just meant that the kid is losing his focus is all.  I didn’t mean no disrespect.”  Simon stammered.  Joker leaned his head against the back of his chair rubbing his forehead.  He shut his eyes for a second and motioned for one of the guards to fetch something.  The man retreated from the room and returned a few minutes later with Kyle in tow.  Harley made to jump off Joker’s lap to greet the newcomer, but Joker grabbed her arm and held her securely on his lap.  Harley whimpered like a distraught puppy.

Kyle had definitely cleaned up from where he was a year earlier.  His hair which had been long and greasy was now expertly coifed and gelled.  His skin that had had a fine layer of filth coating every last inch was now clean and clear.  His eyes while still hard and icy, were no longer that of a starving street urchin.  He had put on muscle and looked to be eating well.  His clothes were freshly tailored threads replacing the tattered fabric that had hung loosely from his bony hips and shoulders.  And a new and improved respectful attitude replaced his dour cynicism he had naively directed at Joker.

“Ah, Mr. Barker, or as you are so affectionately known, Mr. Elixir.” Kyle flushed at the use of his nickname.  Joker noticed.  “Don’t be embarrassed by your sobriquet.  I like it.”  Kyle nodded. 

“Mr. Joker.”  Kyle greeted.  He met Harley’s eyes with a bashful look as he nodded at her.  “Ms. Harley.”  Harley beamed at him excitedly.  She loved Kyle.  She considered him the little brother she never had.  The clothes he wore were all personally selected by Harley who found great joy in dressing him up.  She even styled his hair after spending nearly an hour convincing him that she wasn’t going to dye it any funny colors.

“Simon has been telling me about your young lady friend.”  Kyle blushed again and shot a deadly glare at Simon across the table.  Simon was looking increasingly uncomfortable.

“She’s harmless.  And I wouldn’t even really call us friends.  She barely notices me.”  Kyle explained.  Joker’s lip curled in disgust but he shook the feeling away.

“Aw, don’t be so hard on yourself!”  Harley chirped.  “You’re a catch, Kylie!”  Kyle winced at Harley’s pet name for him.  Joker groaned.

“ _That_ name I would be embarrassed by.”  Joker confided.  Harley gave Joker a stern look and smiled back at Kyle.

“My Puddin’ is such a kidder!” Harley announced. 

“Harley, do you need to be sent to your room?”  Joker hissed in her ear.  Harley shook her head and withered.  She sank back against Joker’s chest and watched quietly.

“Aside from the broad, how goes your education?”  Kyle shot a hesitant glance at Simon before giving Joker a noncommittal shrug.

“Oh, you know.  I feel like I’m just about ready to graduate.”  Joker nodded thoughtfully.  He toyed with the bright pink ends of Harley’s hair absently as he studied Kyle.

“Yes, well, it’s still six months until your finals so you may want to temper yourself.”  Joker stuck his tongue in his cheek as he examined Kyle a final time.  “And I would feel much more assured if you would cut the romance crap out for the time being.  I understand you are a hormone fueled teenaged boy, but there is real work to be done and we don’t need some debutante getting in the way of business.”  Kyle scowled.

“Yeah, well, whaddaya call her?” Kyle snapped gesturing at Harley who had curled up on Joker’s lap and had her head tucked neatly in the crook of Joker’s neck.  Joker narrowed his eyes at Kyle.  An obvious warning that Kyle took to heart.  He dropped his head and looked at the floor.  “Sorry, Mr. Joker.”  Joker flicked his hand at him and one of the guards led Kyle from the room.

“Thoughtcha didn’t _allow_ people ta take shots at me.” Harley quipped.  Joker growled.

“Did you _want_ me to shoot your pet?”  Joker demanded.  Harley shrugged.  Joker growled again and pushed Harley off of his lap.  “You are starting to get to that pain in my ass stage where I just want to _strangle_ you.”  Harley quirked an eyebrow and smiled at him suggestively.

“Kinky.” Joker stifled a chuckle and shook his head at her.

“How about you just go take the babies on a good long walk away from me and let me finish my meeting in peace?”  Harley nodded.

“Okay, but you better call me before ya shoot anybody.  You know how I love a good murder.”  Joker had already turned his attention back to his underbosses at the table.  Harley placed a quick peck on the ‘J’ tattoo on his cheek before traipsing out of the room. 

* * *

 

Harley was enjoying her peaceful daytime stroll through Gotham.  It had been a few days since she had left Amusement Mile and she was eager to stretch her legs.  Bud and Lou seemed more than willing to accommodate her.  She rarely used the leashes anymore, instead trusting her babies to stay nearby.  They scampered and played and raced each other up and down the sidewalk as she meandered mindlessly down the street.

Before she knew it, she was at Ivy’s warehouse.  Harley pulled up short as she stared at the vine covered building.  The entryway was cloaked in vines and hedges, but Harley had no trouble finding it.  She had been meaning to pay Ivy a visit for months now.  She missed her once good friend dearly.  She crept toward the building cautiously and thought back to her last phone conversation with Ivy.

_“Your psychotic boyfriend released Selina, so what?”_

_“So you see, Selina was never in any real danger.  My Puddin’ promised me that Selina would be fine and now you see that we weren’t lying.”_

_“Harley, maybe it’s because of the chemicals that washed the sense out of your brains or maybe you genuinely don’t see how what you did was wrong, but I have no interest in being friends of any sort with someone like you.”_

_“What do you mean?  You knew who I was the minute we met.  I mean we were in_ Arkham _for fuck’s sake!”_

_“Yeah, but clearly you should have stayed there.”_

_“Ivy, c’mon, ya don’t mean that.”_

_“Harley.  Listen to me very closely.  Are you listening?”_

_“I’m listening.”_

_“If you ever come to my place again, I will wrap my vines around your little neck and hoist you up and hang you from my ceiling until your skeleton becomes my new chandelier.  Do you understand?”_

_“You need a new chandelier.  Is crystal cool or did you have a preference for the human bone look.  I can do either.”_

_“Harley.  I never want to see you again.  Come near me again and I will kill you.”_

That was almost three weeks ago so Harley figured she was probably fine.  She whistled for the babies and dipped her head into the mossy corridor that led to Ivy’s room.  Bud and Lou whined at the entrance and danced unhappily as they weighed their options.  Harley crept down the hallway and the babies reluctantly followed after her.

“I’m saying that I don’t care about the revenge.  Not on the clowns at least.”  Harley stopped as Selina’s silky voice echoed down the corridor.  Harley hadn’t seen or heard from Selina since the day Joker and the goons tortured her.

“Why _not_ the clowns?”  Ivy’s hard voice argued.  “ _They_ were the ones that tortured you after all.  Held you captive?  Dangled you from a clock tower as bait for your ex-boyfriend.”

“Batman was never my boyfriend, Red.”  Bud and Lou were pacing nervously in small circles around Harley who stood frozen listening to their conversation.

“Yeah, yeah.  The argument stands.”  There was a pause and Harley wondered if her heart had stopped beating.  “Are you saying that you wouldn’t take revenge on Harley Quinn even if she was standing right in front of you?”  The vines came to life around Harley and she felt her heart sink into her stomach.

She turned and hurried toward the exit, Bud and Lou running ahead of her, but the vines snatched them from the ground and they began to laugh nervously between barks and growls.  They bit at the vines to no avail.  Harley’s arms were twisted behind her back and her legs were wrapped up before the trio was dragged into Ivy’s main room.

Selina was leaning against Ivy’s desk and Ivy was seated in her living throne.  Harley stowed the fear in the back of her mind and pulled up her bubbly, nutty personality.  She grinned at them both and relaxed her body against the vines.

“Heya, Ivy!  Long time no see, Kitty Cat!”  Selina seemed surprised to see Harley and almost seemed sympathetic to her predicament.

“Look, Cat, I know she isn’t exactly ‘standing’ but here she is.  Right in front of you.”  Selina frowned with disinterest.   “Still not interested in revenge?”

“Alright, alright.  Torture me if you must.”  Harley conceded.  “But let my babies go, please.  They weren’t even born when Mr. J and I kidnapped Selina.”  Ivy glared at Harley and walked over to Lou.

“You mean this beast?”  Ivy asked.  Harley frowned in suspicion.

“Yeah.  They didn’t do anything to ya.  Either of ya.”  Ivy smiled maliciously up at her and wrapped a vine coated in thorns around Lou’s neck making Lou cry out in pain.  “No!  Ivy!  Just punish me!”

“What was that you said to me?”  Ivy asked slinking over to where Harley was suspended.  “Isn’t watching them get tortured torturing you?”  Harley remembered the conversation when Ivy had called demanding to know where Selina was being kept.  Harley hadn’t even known at that point, but she didn’t tell Ivy that.  She was still holding a grudge for Ivy kissing Joker.

“Ivy-”

“I’m sorry, I can’t really hear you over your noisy beast.  She tightened the vine around Lou’s neck and Harley watched his eyes bulge and he gasped for air.  Tears welled in Harley’s eyes.

“STOP! STOP IT! STOP PLEASE! IVY!” Harley screamed.  Ivy loosened the vine around Lou’s neck and the hyena slumped against the restraints.  Harley’s stomach was twisted and she felt fear strangling her throat.  Not fear from Ivy, of course.  She could handle whatever torture she wanted to throw at her.  It was fear that her negligence had caused Lou’s death.  She tried to determine if he was still breathing, but Ivy grew thorns out of the vines holding Harley and forced her to focus on Ivy instead.

“Look, Red, this looks like a personal vendetta of yours between the two of you.  I think I’m just going to head out.”  Ivy turned to Selina with a wounded expression.

“You really don’t want revenge on her?”  Ivy asked in disbelief.  Selina shrugged and started for the exit.

“I told you I didn’t.  This is between you and her.  Have fun.”  Ivy opened a passage for her and started in on Harley again.

“You know, I saw what you two did to Selina’s stomach.”  Ivy told her.  “Maybe I’ll give you some matching scars.”  Harley stared down at Ivy dispassionately.

“Do your worst.”  Harley told her.  Ivy’s lip curled in disgust.

“When I’m through, you won’t be smiling anymore.”

“Joke’s on you.  I really don’t smile much anymore anyway.”  Ivy lashed vines against Harley’s body, scratching until blood was soaked through her now tattered clothes.  Harley clenched her teeth and refused to give Ivy the satisfaction of her screams.

* * *

 

Harley, Bud, and Lou stumbled from Ivy’s lair hours later.  The sun was down and Harley was thankful for that.  She looked like an extra in a zombie movie and Bud and Lou looked haggard and mangy.  Blood stained their fur and Harley tried to figure out a way to explain their injuries to Joker.  There was no way he would believe that Batman was responsible for these injuries.  It would take a million Batarangs to do the kind of damage she had sustained.

The elevator doors opened into the apartment more than an hour later and she crept into the quiet apartment.  She felt an odd sense of relief upon finding Joker absent.  She led Bud and Lou into the bathroom and washed them in the tub one by one until the blood was out of their fur and their cuts were barely noticeable.  With them taken care of, she yanked off her top and struggled out of her shorts before tumbling into the tub herself.

She kept an ear out for Joker as she cleaned the hundreds of abrasions raked across her body.  Of course, she couldn’t see her back that well so she did as best as she could.  Luckily, Ivy had steered clear of Harley’s face and neck.  She supposed that was because Joker had done the same for Selina.

Harley dressed in her only pajamas that covered her arms, legs, and stomach.  A set of silk jammies with harlequin diamonds printed all over it.  She and the babies crawled into bed and promptly passed out from exhaustion.


	30. He Loves Me! He REALLY Loves Me!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Harley discovers what Joker was doing while Ivy was torturing her.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter 30, guys! Thank you all for reading! Almost 100 kudos!!! Incredible! Thank you for all your support! It means the world to me!  
> If you don't mind, would you comment your favorite line(s) so far? I'm curious about what my readers find captivating, intriguing, interesting, or amusing.

Chapter 30

Ice cold water hit Harley like a tidal wave causing her to throw the covers off and leap out of bed.  Bud and Lou yelped and scurried from the room as Joker’s hands gripped Harley’s arms.  Harley spit a mouthful of water out and looked up at Joker in confusion.

He was pissed.

“G’mornin’, Mista J.” Harley greeted.  She shivered and pulled her shirt out to let the ice cubes fall from her shirt.  “What’s going on?”

“Where the _hell_ have you been?” He roared.  Harley flinched in surprise.  She jerked her head back toward the bed.

“Sleepin’?” Joker’s grip on her arms tightened and she winced in pain.  It was no tighter than he’d held her before, but the fresh cuts up and down her body made it especially painful.  Joker’s metal teeth flashed beneath unusually pale lips.  Harley finally took in Joker’s abnormally haggard appearance.

His usually pristine make-up was faded and streaky.  His clothes were wrinkled and one side of his suspenders was broken.  Harley noted that his ammo pouch was open and empty which meant that he had unloaded his gun into someone or several someones.  There were bruises on his jaw, his eyes blackened and his knuckles were bloody.  Harley’s confusion mounted.

“Don’t play cute with me.  Not now.  Not after the night you put me through.” He snarled.  Harley swallowed nervously.

“Did I attack you again?”  Harley didn’t remember anything beyond getting home from Ivy’s torture room and she knew he hadn’t been home then.  Unless she had hallucinated it all and she had actually been sleep fighting with Joker that whole time.  Harley’s forehead was wrinkled as she struggled to remember something she wasn’t conscious for.

“Are you fucking with me?  Right now?”  Harley’s eyes widened and she shook her head.

“No!  I just…” Harley looked away.  “I really don’t remember any of it.”  She confessed meekly.  Joker’s lip curled back.

“You don’t remember going on a walk with Bud and Lou and not coming home or answering your phone?”  Harley frowned.

“Did you call me?”  Joker pushed Harley back onto the soaked bed and raised his hand to hit her.  Harley watched him carefully.  He stopped.  His hand was poised to strike but seemed to be wavering.

“I’m going to my office.  Don’t bother me.”  He snapped.  He walked to the door and paused. “And do _not_ leave the apartment.”  He slammed the bedroom door and a few seconds later she heard him slam his office door.

Harley looked down at her sopping pajamas and decided it was probably time to get dressed for the day.  She searched her wardrobe for a shirt that covered her full stomach and her arms and, falling short, dug into her trunk and pulled out her harlequin unitard she wore when she and Joker first became official.  It was his first gift to Harley Quinn and radically different from the trinkets, bobbles, and occasional flowers he gave Harleen Quinzel.

She pulled it on and clapped with glee as she found that it still fit perfectly.  She had yet to quite work out an explanation for where she had gotten her scrapes and bruises.  Briefly she considered telling him the truth.  The thought whispered through her mind and Harley knew it was the voice of Harleen.  Harley’s usual voice of reason.  The longer Harley ignored her and listened to the other voices, the quieter Harleen became.  Harley ignored Harleen now.  She may be hurt right now, but she had no desire to see her Puddin’ kill her best friend.

She figured a week or two tops and her body would be healed and Joker would never be the wiser.  She would just have to be careful and be sure that Joker didn’t see her body before then.  Easy peasy.  _Aw_.  Harley whined.   _No sex!_

_No worries.  It’ll all be worth it.  J will never know that Ivy tortured us and I will never have to have the ‘this is why we don’t make friends’ lecture._

_But the sex!  None?  Zero sex for_ weeks!?

_Can you think of a position that would make it impossible for him to see the hundreds of wounds all over?_

_…._

_Well?_

_Gimme a minute!  I’m thinkin’!_

_Forget about it.  We can just get ourself off for the time being._

_Fine.  But it ain’t as much fun._

_I know, I know.  Four hands are better than two._

_Say, me an’ you haven’t conversed like this in a while!  How ya been?_

_Yeah, been suffocating a bit with all the others shoving me in a teensy little box._

_Others?_

_Yeah.  You know, the witch and the bitch?_

_Oh.  Them._

_Yeah.  I don’t like ‘em either._

_Nobody likes them.  Maybe that’s why they keep tormenting me.  They need friends._

_Well, maybe you could set them up with someone else because I kinda liked our old set up._

_Me too.  Much more relaxing.  Plus, it’s been difficult to keep people wrapped around my finger without you reading their minds for me._

_Yes, well it isn’t exactly mind-reading._

_Whatever.  How’m I supposed to be the Siren of Gotham City if you don’t help out?_

_I_ told _you those other two keep shutting me out!_

_I heard ya, but-_

“Quinn?”  Harley turned and saw Frost coming out of the elevator.  The hyenas swarmed him and snuffled at his pants and boots.  She smiled at him.

“Frost.”  She replied, mimicking him.  Frost scowled and set the box he was carrying down by Joker’s office door.  Bud and Lou quickly examined the box before returning to Frost’s pants.

“I guess this means the rescue mission is off.”  Harley squinted at him.

“What ‘rescue mission’?”  She demanded.  Frost shook his head and sighed.

“The rescue mission we were about to launch when we thought Batman had you shipped back to prison.”  Harley crossed her arms.

“What in the world are you talking about?”  Frost rubbed his face with the heels of his hands.

“Look, if the boss didn’t tell you then-”  Harley picked up her bat from where it was leaning against the couch and pressed the end of it into Frost’s wide chest.

“Then you get the privilege.”  She threatened.  Bud and Lou noted the dangerous tone and they began to growl and cackle threateningly at him.  The blood drained from Frost’s face and he nodded.

“When you didn’t come back last night, the Boss got curious so he sent some boys looking.  When they came up with bupkiss, he went out himself.”  Harley lowered her bat and leaned on it as she listened with rapt interest.  “I pinged your phone first, but that turned out to be a bust.”  He paused and glanced at the office door that was still firmly shut.  “So then we see the Batman leaving from Gotham Police Headquarters and Joker gets it in his head that the Bat picked you up and had them ship you off.  So we follow Batman into Penguin territory.  I guess it was Penguin’s men that the Bat was dropping off at Headquarters.  Anyway, so the Boss confronts Batman on Buell Avenue right in front of everyone.  He starts screaming about how it’s supposed to be eye for an eye not eye for an eye for a nose for a tongue or something and Batman _did_ seem a tad confused for a second, but then the Boss starts pummeling the Bat.  Just absolutely wailing on him and Batman gets in a few shots and throws the Boss against a wall and it looks like the Boss is gonna be down for the count.”  Harley could tell Frost was getting excited in his recanting of their encounter with Batman.  “But then he jumps back up with his gun drawn and he starts firing at him.  Just unloads clip after clip at Batman and demands to know where they’re sending you and Batman tells him that he hopes it’s a hole deeper than the last one.  Now I guess he was bluffing or something, but eventually the sun starts coming up and Batman cold clocks the Boss, jumps in his tank, and hauls ass back to wherever he came from.”  Harley nodded and then Frost leans down and starts rummaging through the box he brought in and pulls out Harley’s phone.  “By the way,” he says handing it to her, “I found this near Ashe Street.”

Harley unlocked her phone and saw forty-seven missed calls and texts from Joker.  Harley felt an odd sensation of guilt and pleasure knowing that her Puddin’ went out of his way to make sure Harley wasn’t taken away again even going so far as to fight the Bat head on.  She hadn’t told him where she was going so he was looking in the wrong direction.  If Ivy had had it in her to kill Harley, Joker likely never would have found her body.  Harley imagined Joker diving further into his infinite madness at the heartbreaking loss of her.  She laughed knowing that her Mista J would never miss her to that extent.  At least not enough to let it interfere with his work.

Harley decided that he deserved a reward for his chivalry.  Anyone who goes into battle for her deserved a nice dinner at the very least.  She strolled into the kitchen and began pulling out a frying pan, ingredients, and a mixing bowl.  The kitchen was quickly bathed in a thick smoke, but Harley was determined.  She scrubbed the frying pan clean in the sink and set it back on the stove to try again.  She had a PhD for crying out loud.  She could make a simple meal.

Long, cool fingers slipped over her thighs and Joker’s chin rested on her shoulder as he peered down at the mess on the stove.  Harley’s cheeks grew bright red with embarrassment and she turned off the stove top.

“Is it my birthday?”  Joker asked.  Harley shook her head.

“Not for another three months.”  Joker grunted and moved Harley away from the stove toward the kitchen table.  Harley turned around and flung her arms around his neck.  Joker toyed with the bell on one end of her cowl and pressed his hand against her back.  Harley winced, but stayed put.

“Maybe I can get my present in advance.” Joker suggested.  Harley arched her eyebrow at him and smirked.

“What fun would that be?”  She asked.  Joker frowned and lightly trailed his fingers down her shoulders, over her breasts, and around her hips before gripping her ass and pressing her to him.

“I’m sure we could have tons of fun.”  He encouraged, his lips whispering against hers.  Harley could have melted.  If she weren’t in so much pain.

“Not tonight, Puddin’.”  Harley declined, pulling away.  Joker stood holding the air where Harley had been seemingly unsure of what had happened.  He dropped his arms and turned around, his face scrunched in confusion.

“What?”  Harley had gone back to her attempts at dinner.

“I’m just not in the mood, J.”  Harley confessed.  Joker pulled on his ears and shook his head.

“You’re always in the mood.”  He argued.  Harley sighed and shrugged.

“Well, I’m not right now.”  She turned, spatula in hand.  “Okay?”  Joker frowned at her.  A few tense seconds ticked by before Joker snarled and turned to leave. 

“Yeah. Okay.”  He grabbed the sides of the kitchen table where he had just pinned Harley and flipped it.  The table crashed into the wall as Joker stormed to the elevator and left.

_Me too, Puddin’_.  Harley thought as she forewent the dinner attempt.  The babies followed after her into the bedroom to the damp bed.  She crawled under the covers and made a useless attempt at finding a comfortable position to sleep in and eventually gave up accepting that she was just going to hurt for a while and there was nothing she could do about it.

_You realize all the rooms in this apartment are filled with drugs, right?_   Harley sat up.  She had somehow managed to forget Joker’s business enterprises and their advantages.  She knocked herself on the head and stood up.

The kitchen was positively destroyed, but she only had to rummage in the cabinets for a few minutes before she found what she was looking for.  Percocet. 

_My god, I forgot how nice it was having you around._

_Always happy to help._

Harley grabbed a glass of water and downed two before returning to the bed.

She put the bottle in her nightstand drawer for easy access and waited for the drugs to kick in.  It didn’t take long before her head was swimming and her entire body buzzed with numbness as she dropped into unconsciousness.


	31. Only One Person Can Keep a Secret

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Suspicion rises between the clowns.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I remember 3 months ago thinking, 'Hey, you know what'd be a cute fic? If Harley was a closet fangirl and had something devastating happen in her fandom and so Joker decides to kill whoever it was that made his lady so distraught." And now I have more than 65k words here and I strayed just so, so far from my original concept.  
> Anyways, thanks for reading!

Chapter 31

Harley woke up to the return of pain.  She groaned into her pillow and pushed herself up on her hands.  The hyenas jumped from the bed and whined at the door.  Harley grumbled and turned her head to look at Joker’s side of the bed.  She was surprised to find it empty and wondered how long she had been out.  She grabbed the clock from her nightstand and stared at the numbers waiting for her groggy brain to make sense of what she was seeing.

Nine fifty-eight.  A great time for some casual burglary.  Harley was still in her unitard and she pulled her cowl on and tucked her hair inside.  She slapped on an extra layer of white face paint and painted her lips Bombshell Red before donning her mask.  She opened the door and the hyenas barreled out of the room towards the kitchen where they waited eagerly by the fridge.  Harley cracked the fridge and pulled out two healthy slabs of meat and dropped them into their bowls.  She watched Bud and Lou scarf down their meal before she returned to her closet in search of her jester boots.

“Aha!” She cried as she held up her boots triumphantly.  She quickly pulled them on wincing when she sat.  She opened her nightstand and pulled out the bottle of Percocet and popped two more pills before heading for the elevator.

_Where’s Mista J?_ Harley pulled her mallet off the hooks on the wall and swung it over her shoulder.

_Probably out wreaking havoc.  He’ll be home later or something._ Harley hit the button to call the elevator and Bud and Lou pranced over to join her.

_Didn’t he tell us not to leave the apartment?_   The doors opened and Harley and the babies stepped inside.

_We’ll be back before he even knows we were gone._ Harley hit the button for the garage and the doors closed.

_We’re keeping an awful lot of secrets from him lately…_

_No.  I mean… I refuse to walk around in the same outfit for however long it takes for my body to heal._

_Whatever helps you sleep at night, Princess._ The doors opened into the open concrete room and Harley was met by a horde of Joker’s thugs.  Joker was standing in the center giving orders but stopped dead when he saw her.  Harley swallowed hard.

_So much for him not knowing we were gone_.  Harley shoved a smile onto her face and leaned on her mallet just like Joker was leaning on his cane.  Joker’s blank expression quickly morphed into anger.  He stuck his tongue in his cheek as he regarded her.

“I thought I told you not to leave the apartment.”  Harley giggled and set the tip of her finger between her teeth.  He raised his hairless brows at her waiting for an answer and Harley scrunched her nose and curled her finger into her fist.

“I wanna go shoppin’.” She announced.  Joker stared at her in silence for a few long seconds and the thugs around him shuffled nervously.

“You want to go shopping?” He repeated.  Harley smiled and nodded.  Joker licked his lips and flexed his hand with frustration.  “Is that not what you were doing last night?”  Harley frowned.

“No?”  Harley kicked at the head of her mallet lightly.  “I was walking with Bud an’ Lou.”  Joker scratched his left eye with his right thumb and put his left hand on his hip.

“Walking with Bud and Lou…” He muttered.  “You are telling me that you went on a walk with Bud and Lou for _NINE HOURS_?”  Harley flinched in surprise.  The thugs looked at each other uncomfortably and edged slightly away from Joker.  Harley put her hand on the back of her neck and shrugged.

“Yeah?”  Joker was irate.

“WHERE THE HELL DID YOU WALK TO?  TIMBUKTU?”  Harley frowned at him.

“Timbuktu is like two thousand miles from here, Mista J.”  Harley tapped her cheek thoughtfully.  “Plus there and back is like _four_ thousand miles.”  Joker gritted his teeth and held his hand up as though to stop her.

“You, you, you…” he stopped and took a long breath pressing his fingers into his glabella and shutting his eyes.  After a few seconds he looked back up at her.  “Take the sharks with you.”  Joker ordered before turning his back on her and pointing to the two black and white shark heads.  Harley gestured to Bud and Lou at her sides.

“But I already got the babies and they’re as good as any mobsters.”  Joker turned back around.

“Do not argue with me, Harley.  Take the sharks with you or forego your little ‘shopping’ venture and go back up to the apartment.”  

“Alright, alright, I’ll take your cronies shoppin’.”  Harley followed the goons to the gold sedan Joker and Frost had used to pick Harley up from the electronics store she wrecked a year before and she climbed into the passenger seat.  Bud and Lou took the window seats and the white shark head was wedged between them.  Somehow he managed to portray his immense discomfort despite his entire head being swallowed by his costume.  Harley stowed her mallet between her legs and clicked through the radio until she found a song she liked.

The shark heads said nothing.  They never did.  But Harley could tell they were less than thrilled to be joining her on her crusade.  Harley ignored them and focused on the radio as the car cruised into downtown Gotham.  Harley stared out the window as the scenery changed from dirty and worn down buildings to swanky store fronts with elegant displays.

“Stop!”  Harley squealed and started to open the door without waiting for the chauffeur shark to comply.  He swerved and hit the brakes.  The car jumped as it mounted the curb and came to a stop in front of a boutique and Harley darted out of the car whistling for the hyenas as she went.  Bud and Lou scrambled over the center console and out Harley’s open door leaving the two shark heads to chase after the trio.

Harley smashed the store window and ducked inside with the babies.  When the shark heads finally caught up, she was rifling through a rack of long sleeve shirts.  She shoved arm fulls of clothing at the shark heads and dragged them to the dressing rooms where she stripped and began trying on outfit after outfit.  Bud and Lou were snoozing by the broken window when Harley finally finished and had the shark heads tote her ‘purchases’ out to the car.

Two squad cars were outside when Harley stepped back through the window with her mallet slung over her shoulder.  The officers took one look at her and their faces paled.  Harley suddenly remembered why she loved this outfit so much.  It was an immediate red flag for all enemies and potential threats.  She stood on the sidewalk staring at the officers with a cheeky smile.

“Heya, boys!” She greeted cheerily.  She walked toward them and they backed up quickly.  One reached for his walkie to call for back up, but Harley whacked his arm with her mallet and he cried out in pain. “Whoops!”  The shark heads disarmed the other officers and stood with the barrels of their guns pressed against their temples.  “Didn’t mean ta break your arm, honey!”  She confessed.  “Sometimes I forget my own strength, ya know?”

“It’s cool.  We’re cool.  You leave us alone and we won’t tell anybody you was here.”  One of the cops stammered.  Harley frowned thoughtfully.

“Yeah, but then what if ya did?” She whistled for Bud and Lou and they jumped to her sides, snarling and cackling.  “Besides, my babies here are gettin’ kinda hungry.”  The officers whimpered pathetically.

“Please, please.  Don’t hurt us.”  The officer begged.  Harley nodded for the shark heads to finish loading her goods into the trunk and they obeyed.

“Maybe it’s the Percocet or maybe I’m just feelin’ merciful or some shit, but I’m gonna do it.  I’m gonna letcha boys in blue go free.  Relatively unharmed even.”  She dropped her smile and fixed them with a deadly stare as she pointed her mallet at them.  “But don’t make me regret it.  I don’t give second chances.”  The police all nodded frantically and ran to their squad cars before squealing away.

Harley and the babies climbed into the car and the group headed back towards Amusement Mile.  Harley sighed as she stared out the window.

“I’m definitely blaming the drugs.” She commented.  “I refuse to believe that I’ve gone soft.  Least of all on Gotham police.” 

* * *

 

“The sharks told me she was singing nonsense to static on the radio.”  Frost was telling Joker as they sat in his office.  Joker was toying with a few of his chattering teeth, trying to make them open wider so that they could take actual bites out of people.

“So what?”  Joker replied.  He was only mildly listening.

“Oh, well.  Then they got cornered by some cops and after they got the upper hand, Harley just let ‘em all go.”  Joker paused and set down his screwdriver.

“Maybe she bombed their cars first.”  Joker muttered, but he knew she hadn’t.  The elevator dinged her return just then and Joker waved Frost away.

“Evenin’, Jonny!”  Harley greeted cheerfully as she pranced into the apartment with the shark heads carrying her goodies in behind her.  They set them down on the bed and took their leave, meeting Frost in the elevator.

Joker wandered into the bedroom where Harley was hanging her new clothing on hangers.  She flashed him a bright smile before disappearing into the closet to stow her goods.  Joker picked up a shirt and rubbed the material between his fingers.

_Not her usual style_ … he mused.  Harley popped back out of the closet and started in on the next pile.  She gently pulled the shirt from Joker’s hands and draped it over a hanger before taking it into the closet along with the others.

“Why didn’t you just go to Rene?  Best tailor in town.  If you wanted new clothes you only needed to call him.”  Harley stood in the doorway of the closet.

“I wanted to do some real shoppin’.  Besides, Rene’s good, but he takes a month to spin out the quality outfits.”  Joker frowned thoughtfully.

“Patience is a virtue.”  Harley snorted.

“Since when’ve I had _virtue_?”  Joker shrugged and patted Bud on his neck.  Bud whimpered in pain and jerked away from Joker’s touch.  Joker looked down at him curiously.  _Didn’t think I patted him that hard.  Sorry, Bud_. 

“You’ve been behaving oddly for the past few days.  Care to explain?”  Joker posed.  Harley chuckled nervously.

“What makes ya say that, Puddin’?”  Joker ran his tongue around the inside of his mouth.

“You’re a lot less…predictable…lately.” Harley smiled.

“That’s a good thing.  Ain’t it, sugar?”  Joker shrugged and stared at his rings for a few quiet minutes.  “I’m going to The Punch in a bit.  You can come with if you want.  Dance.  Drink.”  Joker met her eyes and Harley sensed a challenge in them.  Harley considered the offer quickly.

“I don’t really drink, Puddin’, but I’d be thrilled to join ya!”  Joker’s lips twisted as he registered her answer.  He took a breath and nodded.  “I gotta take a shower first, though.”  Joker grinned suggestively.

“Perfect.”  He purred.  He stepped close to her and trickled his fingers along the contours of her body.  Harley’s body immediately reacted with both pleasure and pain.  “I’ll join you.”  Harley’s breath grew shaky and she leaned toward him for a split second before her sense returned and she slipped from under his fingers moving toward the bathroom.

Joker watched her walk away a few paces before starting after her when the door slammed shut in his face.  Harley quickly turned the lock and leaned against the door.  Joker scowled and jiggled the handle.

“Harley!”

“I’ll be done in a minute, Mista J!” She called through the door. “I can shower a lot quicker without you in here to distract me.”  She moved away toward the tub.

“I don’t care how fast you shower!  Open the door!”  Joker growled.  Harley turned the water on.

“Sorry, Puddin’,” she yelled, “can’t hear ya!  Water’s runnin’!”  Joker slammed his fists against the door and stood with his forehead pressed against the thick oak for a full ten seconds before storming away in frustration.

_He is definitely suspicious._   Harley stood under the water cleaning her cuts and washing her hair.

_Yeah, but I’m not sure he knows what to think_.

_He knows you aren’t acting like yourself._

**_Crazy self or otherwise_.**

_Ah, dammit.  Harleen, why don’t you just go die in a hole?_

**_Stow it, ‘Quinn’.  You need me._ **

_Do not._

**_Do too._ **

_Do NOT!_

**_Do-_ **

_Can we not do this right now, ladies?_

_Oh, why not?  I, for one, would_ love _to see how far off the reservation we can send her._ Waller’s voice gushed back into her mind like water through a broken dam.  _Maybe we can push her so far that her little lover boy loses his mind and ends her once and for all._

_Except that this is all happening in her mind._ Enchantress goaded. _So really, she’d kill herself._

Harley shut the water off and stood, dripping, as the cool air hit her bare skin.  She tumbled out of the tub and dug through the drawers until she found a bottle of Vicadin.  She groaned at the downgrade.  She tossed back three for good measure before slowly unlocking the door and peeking out to see where Joker was.

She determined that he was not in the bedroom so she scurried to the closet and shut and locked the door to dress.  It was difficult for her to decide how to dress knowing that no matter what she wore she wouldn’t look like herself.  She squeezed on a pair of tight red leather pants a fastened her harlequin belt around it.  She then donned a tight black top, matching red leather jacket and black, fingerless gloves.  She emerged from the closet and set to work brushing her hair out and blow drying it.

“That’s what you’re wearing to go dancing at the club?”  Harley looked at Joker in the vanity.  His look of skepticism was back.  Harley gave him a smile and started applying her eyeliner.

“Why?  Don’tcha think I look great?”  Joker raised his hairless brows and didn’t respond.  He watched her finish her make-up quietly.  The silence was what unnerved Harley the most.  He usually whined about how she was taking too much time.  Now he seemed invested in watching her every move.  “All done, Puddin’!”  She announced, standing and turning to show him.  Joker’s lips twisted in a frown.  Harley stooped to kiss the babies good-bye before Joker took her hand and dragged her to the elevator.

_Something’s hinky here._


	32. Chapter 32

Chapter 32

Harley was sweating like a pig.  She usually worked up a sweat when she danced at the clubs, but this was excessive.  There was a reason she wore practically nothing.  Ever since her chemical bath she tended to run hot.  She stripped off her red leather jacket and dropped it on the seat next to Joker.  She snapped her fingers at the waiter and he brought her a champagne flute of chilled grape soda.

Joker watched her drink deeply before slamming the glass down on the waiter’s tray and sashaying back to the dance floor.  She climbed up onto her platform and let her body fall back into the rhythm.  She glanced over occasionally toward Joker and found his eyes trained on her each and every time.

It was not his usual hungry stare.  The stare that worked Harley’s blood into a boil and had her creaming in her panties before the DJ finished his first set.  No.  This stare was calculative.  He was judging her every move.  Contemplating the meanings behind them.  She supposed it was only natural based on her behavior.  Harley had never denied him sex before.  Nine times out of ten, it was Harley clamoring for a bit of aggressive cuddling.  And a fair number of that was Joker shutting Harley down.  Although he hadn’t denied her quite as often recently as he had before their time apart.

Harley twisted one of the thick gold chains hanging from the ceiling around her hand and dropped down before slowly pulling herself back up as the song ended.  She called for another drink hopping off the stage and heading to the private bathroom reserved for her and Joker.  She looked terrible.  Her sweat had made her make-up run down her face in disgusting streaks.  She pulled out make-up remover from one of the drawers and set to work fixing her face. 

“Damnit!”  She shouted as she stabbed herself in the eye with her eyeliner.  She threw the pencil down and slammed her fists on the counter.

“ _Why don’t you just kill Ivy?_ ” Enchantress hissed.  “ _It’s not like you would be killing the_ real _one anyway.  And just as easily as you kill her, I can fabricate a new one to replace her._ ”  Harley turned on the water and watched it pour down the drain.  “ _You can have your revenge and then_ I _will replace her with a new Ivy.  One that isn’t such a self-righteous bitch._ ”  Harley put her fingers under the cold water and splashed a bit on her hot neck.  “ _Although, I do admire her style.  Mind games and physical torture.  My idea of a fun Saturday night._ ”

“You’re dead.  Why don’tcha just stay dead?” Harley snarled.  She grabbed a bottle of Vicadin from another drawer and popped a couple pills before turning back to her make-up.

“ _Oh, darling child, we’ve been over this.”_ Enchantress jeered impatiently.  “ _I am alive and well.  It is you and your precious friends that have succumbed.  You all sleep in worlds like these where you believe yourselves to be heroes.  Saviors of the world._ ”

“Lady.” Harley growled into the sink.  “I ain’t no hero.”

“Maybe not, but I’m not entirely convinced you are who you say you are either.”  Joker divulged from the bathroom doorway.  He locked the door and took a step toward her.

“Whadaya mean, Puddin’?”  Joker frowned in distaste and slipped his fingers down her cheek before gripping the back of her neck.  Harley met his eyes calmly.

“I _mean_ that you disappeared for a more than a third of the day and come back behaving erratically.  You are dressing strangely.  _Behaving_ strangely.  And saying things that _my_ Harley would _never_ say.”  Harley frowned.

“So what?  Ya think I’m some kinda Harley Quinn lookalike?”  Joker’s lips twitched.  “C’mon, J, ya don’t actually _think-_ ” Joker grabbed Harley by her shoulder and slammed her up against the wall.  Harley yelped in pain and she knew several of her freshly scabbed over wounds had reopened.

“You see what I mean?”  Joker scoffed.  “ _Harley_ doesn’t cry when I get rough.”  Harley bit her lip.  “Metahumans are everywhere these days.  Maybe you thought you would get yourself into a position of trust and try and take me out.  Maybe you thought I was _stupid_.”

“Why would some metahuman wanna impersonate _me_?”  Harley asked.  Joker’s eyes hardened pressing his arm more firmly into her chest.  Harley stifled a whimper.

“Maybe you thought that you could catch me with my pants down.  Although you’ve been very reluctant to drop yours.”  Harley pursed her lips thoughtfully.

“Do ya _want_ me ta get your pants down?”  She licked her lips.  “I could do that.”  She lowered her eyelids and smiled at him.  “It’ll cost ya a kiss, though.”  She leaned forward, the pain killers working their magic at long last.  Joker pulled back a touch, just out of reach.  Harley pouted.

“Where is Harley Quinn?”  he growled.  Snapping out each word.  Harley rolled her eyes.

“You know, if you kissed me you would know it’s me.”  Harley told him.  “Don’t nobody kiss ya like I kiss ya, hon.” Joker snarled and released her.  He unlocked the door and yanked it open.

“We’re leaving.”  Harley nodded and followed him out.  She would be glad to get into a nice cold shower when they got home. 

* * *

 

The door was gone.  Harley stared in disbelief.  He had actually had someone come and remove the bathroom door.  She groaned and smacked her hand against the door jam.  Joker was undressing in the corner of the room and smiled cockily at her frustration.  Harley sighed and looked over at him.  He was unzipping his pants and Harley’s hungry eyes took in his delicious body.

She was starved for sex.  She wanted nothing more than to jump his bones right now and have her way with him.  If he came on to her now, she wasn’t sure she’d be able to refuse him.  As long as she got off before he started in on why her body was all cut up, she probably wouldn’t mind.

Harley sauntered over to him.  Her fingers lightly traced over his tight muscles.  Joker froze.  He looked down at her with suspicion.  She couldn’t blame him.  The only thing more suspicious than her denying him sex would be her suddenly wanting it after he accused her of being a shapeshifting Harley doppleganger.  Harley looked up at him from beneath thick lashes and licked her lips.

“Kiss me, Mista J.”  She whispered huskily.  “I’ll prove I’m me.”  Her hand dropped below his waistband and she could feel how much he wanted her, too.  He grabbed her wrist and pulled her hand away and pressed her against the wall.  She stared at him confidently.  Waiting for him to make a move.

He did.  He pressed his lips firmly against hers and Harley could’ve squealed with joy.  She worked her mouth against his lips catching his lower lip between her teeth and pulling back before releasing it and licking his upper lip lightly and delving between his teeth to find his tongue.  Joker released her wrist and pulled her more firmly against him as he found answers in her kiss.

His hands slid down her body to the hem of her shirt.  Harley wriggled her pelvis against his, but paused as she felt him lift the material up and away from her body and the cool air of the apartment hit her skin.  She stilled.  She didn’t want him to see her, but she _needed_ this.  He gave up on trying to get her reinvested in their tonsil hockey match and moved his lips down her neck.

“Uh…” She chuckled breathily.  “Maybe we can try somethin’ new, Puddin’.”  Joker pulled back and eyes her carefully.

“Like what?”  He growled, his fingertips tickling the bare flesh of her stomach.  Harley kissed his jaw and nipped at his earlobe.

“Like maybe we can screw with the lights off.”  She nuzzled his cheek with her nose and let her hands rove over his bare back.  “Waddaya say, Mista J?”  Joker pushed her back against the wall and frowned at her.

“You hate the dark.”  He stated.  Harley nodded slightly.  It was true.  There was a reason they always left the lights on in every room.  The darkest room in the apartment was Joker’s office and Harley had been in there less than a minute for the entirety of their residency here.  Harley shrugged.

“I can be brave.”  She leaned toward him again.  “So long as you’re here to distract me.”  Joker nodded and picked his phone up from the dresser.  He typed a short text and set his phone back down.  A few seconds later, the room went black and the bright red emergency lights kicked on around the top of the room.  Harley pressed herself against Joker and shoved his boxers down and pulled him between her lips.

Joker sucked a breath between his lips and pushed his fingers through her hair.  After a few seconds, he pulled her up and tugged her shirt over her head and sucked a nipple between his teeth.  Harley cried out in pleasure as he unbuckled her pants and shoved them down her legs.  She kicked them off and hitched her leg over his hip.

She ignored the small pricks of pain she felt as Joker ran his hands up and over her body and pressed his fingers into her wounds.  The pain killers worked for a shorter time with her than they did for normal people.  Her body had been made resilient to chemicals and poisons of all kinds when she went into that vat at ACE.

After a week of celibacy, she finally found herself lost in the ecstasy that came with fucking Joker.  She moaned as he entered her and buried her face in his neck as she rode that high.  He sank his teeth into her shoulder and Harley yelped in pain.  She fought her instinct to pull away from him and instead pulled him closer.

She lay back against her pillows as Joker rolled off her and closed his eyes.  Harley did the same and found herself falling into a pit of darkness as sleep took over. 

* * *

 

Harley woke to the bright lights in their bedroom.  She moaned and rolled over.  Joker was sitting up on the bed.  His arm rested on his knee and the other was curled into a fist on the blanket as he stared at her.  Harley tried to make sense of the anger in his eyes.  She wondered if she had said something surly in her sleep.

She looked down at her body and her memory flooded back.  She was bared to him along with the hundreds of scabbed over cuts and gauges that littered her skin.  She grabbed a sheet and pulled it over her to conceal what he had already seen.  She flushed with embarrassment and shame.

“Who did that?”  He asked quietly.  Harley smiled.

“What’re ya talkin’ about, Puddin’?  I just had a little accident.  Fell down a hill and got myself stuck in a sticker bush.”  Joker growled.

“The truth, Harley.” Harley laughed.

“That _is_ the truth, Mista J.  I didn’t want ya ta get upset that I was so stupid and clumsy so I thought I’d hide it for a bit ‘cause I was embarrassed.”  Joker said nothing choosing instead to fix Harley with a hard stare.  Harley was squirming with discomfort in under a minute.

“Fine!  You win!  I went ta go see Ivy.”  Joker remained quiet.  “She was less than thrilled ta see me.  Especially after what we did ta Selina.”  Joker arched a hairless brow.  “Selina didn’t even want any part in revenge though.  But Ivy did.  Selina left and Ivy tortured me and the babies.”  Joker’s jaw twitched and Harley knew he was about to explode.

“Were you just going to let her get away with it?”  Harley shrugged.

“She’s still my friend.  We’re just goin’ through a rough patch right now.  You an’ me been through stuff like this before.” Joker snarled.

“ _I_ ’m different.”  Harley shrugged again.

“It’s eye for an eye, Puddin’.”  Harley argued.

“Yes.”  He agreed.  “She injured the apple of _my_ eye so now _I_ am going to take hers.”


	33. Bygones

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Harley watches Netflix. Joker retaliates against Ivy. Harley reconciles with some estranged friends in an effort to thwart Joker's plans. And... a new kid in town!?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is about twice the length of my usual chapters so if there are grammatical errors and spelling errors it's probably because I wrote so much so fast. I apologize if it seems like word vomit.

Chapter 33

Harley had expected Joker to storm Ivy’s fortress like Attila the Hun laying siege to China.  Instead, he holed himself up in his office for days and his laboratory in the Wild West section of Amusement Mile for weeks after that.  Harley passed the time the best she could.  And of course she tried to call Ivy to warn her of the impending threat.  Unsurprisingly, Ivy had changed her number.

Harley snuck into Joker’s office to see what it was he was plotting only to find that his walls and desks were empty.  She knew he had written down his schemes somewhere.  He always did.  But he was going out of his way to keep her completely in the dark.  Not that she could blame him.  One of his favorite qualities about her was her loyalty.  He knew that if Harley got a sneak peek at whatever it was he was planning, she would do everything she could to compromise it.  For the sake of her ‘friend’s’ safety.

Harley and the babies paced Amusement Mile impatiently.  She waited for the other shoe to drop.  Her wounds were long healed which reopened her wardrobe to include her skin showing crop tops and hot pants.  She had hoped the bombshell outfits and a little come hither eye fluttering would get the guards distracted enough that she could sneak into Joker’s lab so she could figure out what he was planning.

Her next plan was to have Bud and Lou attack the guards and give her time to take a little looksee.  Maybe she was just too predictable because Joker outfitted his guards with slabs of raw meat to use with the hyenas.  It took Harley an hour just to get them to leave the guards.  The babies rubbed their heads against the guards’ legs and lick at their hands that were clenched around assault rifles looking for more meat.

Harley was going to have to face it.  She had been weak.  She couldn’t make it more than a week without getting off with Joker and it had cost her her dear friend’s life.  She felt guilty, but boy had it been worth it.  She got shifty just thinking about the painful pleasure of that night.  The sheets were smeared with blood from her reopened wounds making it look like a crime had been committed.  Which she supposed was probably true.  Some of the things Joker and her had done weren’t exactly _legal_ in today’s society.

Harley returned to the apartment and tossed herself onto the couch in the living room.  The babies yipped and argued amongst themselves on which one would get the spot at Harley’s feet on the couch.  Harley picked up the remote and flipped on Netflix as she threw back a couple of .Percocet.  She no longer needed them, but found she couldn’t seem to quit taking them for the fleeting release they gave her.  Harley searched through the titles not really sure what she was looking for and landed on _Stranger Things_.  She shrugged and hit play despite having already watched it twice.  Harley was asleep before Will could say Demogorgon.

When she awoke, she noticed the apartment was unnervingly quiet.  Netflix was stopped at episode five and was wondering if she was still watching.  Harley flipped off the television and stood.  Bud and Lou yawned and stretched before heading to the kitchen to wait for food.  Harley tossed them each a beef haunch before making her way into the den.

It was empty.

Harley frowned as she hit the button to call the elevator, but the light didn’t switch on.  Harley jammed her finger against it again, but the result was the same.  Harley harrumphed and banged her hands on the steel doors before making her way to the stairs.  Bud and Lou scurried after her, dropping their meat and nipping at each other as they went.  Harley took the stairs two at a time and hopped over the banisters when she was confident that it wouldn’t break her neck.  She pushed her way outside and hurried to the Wild West.

The lack of goons was immediately suspicious.  Typically there were hordes of Joker lackeys running around with semi-automatics and outrageous costumes.  Today, there were none.  Harley held her hand over her eyes to shield them from the sun as she peered around the park.  It was late afternoon so the goon squad was usually more relaxed, but this was pushing it.  Harley scurried into the unguarded laboratory.

A thick, putrid odor clogged the air making it difficult it difficult to breathe.  Bud and Lou refused to go any further into the recesses of the lab and instead whined at Harley from the stairs.  Harley ignored them and snooped around his desks and chemicals.  He was messing with his Joker Venom formula she observed.  As she rounded a corner she found the cause for the stench.  Hundreds of dead plants and twenty or so more dead bodies were stored in the back room waiting for disposal.  The corpses had a strange tinge to their skin that wasn’t unlike the green tint in Ivy’s skin and each had a ghastly grin stretched on their pallid faces.

Harley’s stomach dropped as she realized what Joker had been doing for so many weeks.  She turned and ran from the room, pulling her cell phone from her pocket as she went.  She dialed three different numbers that went directly to voicemail before finally reaching someone.

“Mista J found out about what Ivy did ta me.  I don’t have time to explain how, but he’s gonna kill her.  He’s already left and I don’t think I’ll make it in time.  Ya gotta help her!”  She hung up the phone and ran to the garage.  There were only four cars left and the keys were gone so Harley slid behind the wheel of a silver SUV and the hyenas jumped in back as Harley tried to hotwire the thing.

The engine refused to turn over so Harley popped the hood and looked at the battery which was mysteriously missing.  Harley checked the other three cars just in case and was unsurprised to find each of them without batteries.  Harley kicked the tires of the chameleon painted GTO and growled.  She should have gone to Ivy when Joker had found out.  She should have kept calling every number Ivy ever had until she got through to her.

Harley shoved her fists into her eyes and stamped her feet.  _I think you may be forgetting something_.

“What?”  Harley asked aloud.  Her voice echoed in the empty garage. 

_I don’t blame you.  It_ has _been a while since you’ve so much as_ looked _at it._

“Looked at _what_?”

_‘A Harley for my Harley’ remember?”_

“I ain’t seen hide nor hair of that bike since way before Belle Reve.  Besides, what makes ya think Mista J didn’t have the battery taken outta the bike, too?”  Even so, Harley began investigating the garage in search of one of her earlier gifts from Joker.

_He took it as punishment for that time we went out with Ivy and got ourselves tossed into Arkham by Batsy.  Besides,_ you _were the only one who ever worked on the bike so if anyone would know how to get the battery out of your messy mechanics they wouldn’t be included in the buffoons Mister J employs._

Harley picked up a crowbar that was leaning against the wall and smashed the lock off the back storage room in the garage and kicked the door open.  A thick purple sheet covered something in the middle of the small room.  A haunting clown face was spray painted on it as a silent warning to anyone thinking of peering beneath.  Harley frowned distastefully at the rouse and snatched the sheet away revealing her beloved motorcycle.

A quick inspection of the machine told her all she needed before she walked the bike out of the snug room and twisted the key in the ignition.  The babies whined over the engine and watched her worriedly.  Harley smiled placidly down at them from her seat astride her bike.

“Sorry, babies, can’t fit ya on the bike.  Don’t worry.  Mommy will be right back.  She just has to stop Daddy from being a bad boy then we’ll all be together again.”  Harley reaffirmed herself with a curt nod before squealing out of the garage and down the tunnel to the East Docks.

* * *

 

Joker wasn’t about to let some green, tree hugging freak with an ugly temper hurt his girl so ruthlessly without severe consequences.  He didn’t care what Harley said.  He had spent the past weeks developing his toxins and preparing for the complete annihilation of the green skinned plant woman.

His men were outfitted with gas masks and flamethrowers as they approached Ivy’s lair.  The men lifted the nozzles of their flamethrowers and began burning away the vines and roots that covered her warehouse.  The smoke from the burning plants created a thick and heady scent and Joker knew it was meant to intoxicate those who smelled it.  _Good thing for the gas masks then_. 

The men continued inside laying siege to her lair as they delved deeper into the thorns.

Joker felt an excited smile curve onto his face as angry shrieking could be heard from within.  It wasn’t long before the hallway was engulfed in flames and Poison Ivy came barreling into the hallway like a bat out of hell.  She drew up short as she recognized Joker who had begun cackling with glee.

“I’ve reinforced my pheromones, clown.”  Ivy snapped at him.  Joker stopped laughing, but kept the grin.

“Oh, what a coincidence!  I’ve spent some time reworking my formula, too.”  He withdrew a laughing gas grenade from his pocket and pulled the pin.  “Enjoy!”  He lobbed it at her, the small ball rolling to her feet to give her a smile matching the Joker’s.  Ivy glared at him as smoke began pouring from the grenade.

“Unlike your usual victims,” Ivy drawled, “I’m immune to toxins.”  Joker’s grin grew as he arched his brows.

“This isn’t my usual toxin.”  Ivy started to weave a vine down the hallway when a sharp, high pitched noise made her stop.  The noise sounded again and then with more frequency.  Ivy couldn’t believe it.  She was doubled over laughing.  Tears were springing from her eyes as she gasped for air.  She became aware of Joker standing over her holding something in his hand, but she couldn’t make sense of it.  She continued howling with laughter her sides in stitches as Joker stabbed something into her neck.

The laughter died as fire slipped into her blood stream.  Soon, her whole body was raked with an unbearable agony. 

“You know why I’m doing this?’  Joker asked without sympathy.

“Because your little brat got what she deserved?”  Ivy spit as the pain spun in her throat.  “I should’ve _killed_ her!”  Joker shook a finger at her and tsked.

“No, no, no.  You see, Harley is _mine_.  And _no one_ touches what’s mine.”  Joker sneered.  “Which reminds me.  I hear you have been telling Harley to leave me for some time now.  Thank god she had the presence of mind not to listen to your drivel.  Ordinarily, I would cut out your tongue for that, but seeing as you won’t be using it for much longer anyway…”  Joker trailed off with a shrug.

The venom slid into her head and knocked her to her knees.  Ivy screamed and Joker commenced his cackling.  The group of men turned and began to leave.  Ivy watched them through tear soaked eyes from the floor as the flames stalked closer to her.

A shadow fell from the exit and drew itself up to its full height.  The men scattered and Ivy watched blearily as the figures began fighting.  The flames were growing more intense and she felt them lick at her skin.

“Red!” A panicked voice cried.  She was pulled from the ground and suddenly she was outside.  The fading sun wasn’t enough to clear the potent toxins from her body, but it served to make the pain less intense.

“Selina?”  Ivy tried to shake away the cloud that head descended in her head.  “How did you know?”  Selina had a strange expression on her face as she stared at Ivy.  Her skin had begun to shrivel and crack like a plant denied sunlight and water.

“Batman!”  She screamed.  However, the face that appeared beside her was decidedly not Batman.  It was a child.  He looked at Ivy with contempt and Selina at him with wariness.

“Robin?”  Whatever Joker had dosed her with must cause hallucinations because if there was one thing Ivy and everyone in Gotham knew for certain, it was that Joker had killed Robin years ago.

* * *

 

2 HOURS AGO 

* * *

 

Selina was sitting on a rooftop scouting out her next hit.  She had been promised a king’s ransom if she could acquire a few sensitive documents from a Swedish ambassador.  She was watching the doorman when her phone rang.  Selina sighed and pulled it from her pocket.  She frowned as she recognized Harley’s number.  She hadn’t tried to contact her since she let her boyfriend torture her.  Curious, as cats are, Selina answered the phone to a frantic Harley.

Out of her frantic speech, Selina understood two things.  Joker had found out that Ivy had tortured Harley, whether by Harley’s own discretion or through an accidental discovery was undeterminable, and that he was hell bent on killing Ivy.

Selina was not stupid enough to believe that she stood a chance alone against Joker on a normal day let alone when he was thoroughly pissed off with his phasers set to kill.  She found herself speeding towards the last place she wanted to visit.  Wayne Manor.

“Bruce!”  Selina yelled as she slammed the doors open.  Her voice echoed through the quiet mansion.  She wove her way through the first floor screaming his name. “ _Bruce_!” 

“He’s busy.  Who the hell are you?”  Selina turned to find a boy of about thirteen standing in the kitchen doorway eating an apple.  Selina regarded him with apprehension.

“I’m Selina.  I really need to see Bruce.” The kid used his shoulder to push himself off the doorframe and slink toward her.  Selina clenched her fists and tried to remind herself that he was a child and didn’t know an urgent situation when he saw one.

“Well, like I said, he’s busy.”  The kid finally announced.  Selina growled at him and turned for the stairs.  The kid jumped into her path in an effort to block her.  Without missing a beat, Selina leapt over him and landed gracefully on the bannister.  She swung herself up to the second floor and made for the office with the entrance to the Batcave.

“Miss Kyle!” Alfred exclaimed in surprise.  “I never thought to see you here after what Master Wayne told me.”  The kid lunged at her from behind and Selina ducked and blocked his next kick.

“Young Master Damian!  Stop this nonsense.  Miss Kyle is a guest.”  Alfred shouted.  Damian ignored him and swung for Selina’s nose.  Selina blocked his punch and grabbed his wrist.  Damian flipped up and kicked with both feet forcing Selina to release him before he aimed another attack at her.

“She’s an intruder, Alfred.”  The elevator dinged and Bruce took in the scene.  In one deft move, he hoisted Damian off Selina by the back of his shirt and tossed him toward the other end of the room.  Damian landed on his feet and huffed at Bruce.

“What’s the deal, old man?”  He snapped.  Bruce turned to regard Damian.

“Maybe combat is the way you greet guests in Nanda Parbat, but here in my house, we offer them a drink.”  Damian scowled.

“She broke in.  Do we offer burglars drinks, too?”  Bruce shook his head.

“Alfred told you she wasn’t a threat.  That should be good enough.”  Damian scowled and crossed his arms in malcontent.  Bruce sighed and turned to Selina with a business like smile.

“What can we do for you, Miss Kyle?  I doubt this is a social call.”  Bruce asked.  Selina was still staring at the kid.  It was like looking into the past.  “Selina?”  Selina’s head snapped back to Bruce’s and he swallowed hard.  “I suppose I owe you an explanation.”  Selina put her hand to her head and shook it.

“No.  I mean, there’s no time.”  Bruce could see her concern and nodded.

“What’s happened?” Selina relayed the events of the past weeks and Bruce retreated to the Batcave with Selina, Alfred, and Damian in tow.

* * *

 

NOW

* * *

 

Harley was too late.  She watched Joker and a horde of his henchmen driving away from Ivy’s place that was noticeable from miles away with the high flames lapping at the stars.  Harley saw Selina, Batman, and (unbelievably) Robin crouched in the grass a ways away from Ivy’s hideout.  Her worry over Ivy’s well being outweighed her aversion to Batman.

She dismounted from her motorcycle and walked over to the trio.  As she got closer, she noted that Robin was not a ghost from the grave but rather a kid with a rather aggressive look in his eyes.  She took in Ivy lying in the grass.  Her skin was shriveled, but whatever Batman was injecting her with seemed to be working.  Selina was whispering encouragement to Ivy who seemed to be lost somewhere else.

“I-is she gonna make it?”  Harley asked shakily.  The kid jumped up with a fighting stance and Harley worried she was going to have to fight a kid.  Selina grabbed Harley’s wrist and pulled her down beside her.

“Look, Red, Harley’s here.  I told you she didn’t want you dead.”  Tears were pouring out of Harley’s eyes causing her mascara to run in dramatic black streaks down her pasty white cheeks.

“Ivy,” she sobbed.  “I’m sorry.  I’m so sorry.  I tried to keep my Puddin’ from findin’ out what you did, but…” she let a sob cut her short as she clutched at Ivy’s cold hand.

“Hold on.” The kid said.  “You mean to tell me this blonde chick is in bed with that psychopath and we _aren’t_ going to take her down?”  Batman’s lips were a hard line as he glanced up at Harley who was either pretending not to have heard Damian or didn’t take him seriously.

“Not now, Robin.” Bruce tucked his syringe back into his utility belt and lifted Ivy into his arms easily.  “We need to get her to some artificial sunlight.  She won’t make it until morning.”  Harley stood and wiped her nose with the back of her hand as she sniffled.

“I know a place.”  Batman frowned at Harley with suspicion, but again, she pretended not to notice.  “It’s where Ivy used ta stay a few years back.  I dunno if there’s still power, but she had a back-up generator there and lotsa heat lamps.”  Batman nodded as he tucked Ivy into the Batmobile.  Harley hopped onto her motorcycle and Selina climbed on back.

“Lead the way.”  Harley turned on the bike and pulled onto the road.

“What’s the deal with the kid, Cat?”  Harley shouted over the wind.  Selina was quiet and Harley turned her head to look at her.

“I don’t know.”  Harley faced the road again.

“Fine.  Don’t tell me.  But I can tell he makes ya real uncomfortable.”  Selina’s grip tightened into Harley’s sides.

“I’m not saying that because I don’t want to tell you, Harley.  I honestly don’t know who the kid is.”  Harley nodded.  “Truth is, I’ve been keeping my distance from Batman since the clocktower.”

“Why?  He saved ya in time, didn’t he?”  Selina huffed.

“It’s _because_ he saved me.  Because he _always_ has to save me.  And since he always does, everyone else always wants to use me as leverage.”  Selina shook her head.  “Really puts things in perspective.  I never considered myself a damsel in distress and truthfully, I’ve begun to resent him for making me one.”  Harley pulled into the old chemical plant that Ivy used to live in.  She shut off the engine and waited for Selina to climb off before doing the same.

“This is the place?” Bruce demanded as he pulled Ivy from her seat. Harley smiled and nodded.  The girls didn’t fail to notice that Damian had elected to stay in the car.

“Yup.  La casa de Ivy.” Bruce carried Ivy up to the room still overgrown with foliage and lay her on the couch in the center of the room.  Selina and Harley went down to the basement and turned on the generator bringing the lights in the room to their murky glow.

“She should live.”  Bruce declared when Selina and Harley reentered the room.  “Someone needs to stay with her at least until morning just to be sure.”  Harley’s hand shot into the air.

“Oh!   I’ll stay!  Please? Let me stay!  I’ll watch her.”  Bruce gave her a curt nod and moved toward the exit.

“Selina,” she looked up at him, “could I talk to you?”  His cheeks were an intriguing hue and Selina could not deny her curiosity.  She nodded and followed him out.

“I’ll be back tomorrow to check in on her, Harls.”  Selina called over her shoulder.  Harley nodded and waved them both good-bye with a wide smile.

“Have fun, you crazy kids!”  Harley turned to Ivy who was looking better by the minute.  “I shoulda never let it get this far, Ivy.”  She murmured.  Ivy shook her head.

“I never should’ve taken it this far.”  Ivy countered.  Harley sat on the edge of the couch beside her.  “I’m sorry I tortured you.”  Harley shrugged.

“I’m more pissed that you tortured my babies.”  The corner of Ivy’s lips twitched upwards in amusement.

“Yes, well, I do regret involving them, too.”  Harley’s phone rang and she wriggled it out of her pocket. 

The screen read : PUDDIN’ and a picture of Joker sleeping with his mouth hanging open unattractively popped up.  Harley winced as she noted the three calls she had already missed.  She answered the phone.

“Where the fuck are you?”  He demanded.  Harley frowned.

“I ain’t tellin’ an’ if ya try an’ trace my cell, I’ll throw it in the Bay.”  Joker growled on the other end.

“This is _not_ a _game_ , Harley.”  Harley snarled.

“Damn straight it ain’t!” She snapped.  “You almost _killed_ Ivy!”

“She _lived_?” He asked incredulously. 

“Yeah, she did.  Which is the _only_ reason I’m even _considerin_ ’ comin’ back.”  Joker was quiet for a moment and Harley wondered what he was thinking.

“Come or don’t come, either way I’m getting rid of the hyenas.”  Harley’s stomach knotted.

“ _DON’T YOU TOUCH THEM!”_ She roared.

“You were the one that abandoned them in the garage like a baby on prom night.  It’s too late, cupcake, consider them gone.”  Harley screamed into the phone and threw it against a far wall.  The phone shattered and pieces flew across the room.

“Trouble in paradise?”  Ivy asked from the couch.  Harley’s upper lip was still curled up in rage and she looked ready to kill.

“Oooh, he ain’t gonna know what hit ‘im when I’m through with him.”  Harley swore.  Ivy wondered where this rage was when she had been torturing her.  Ivy had practically peeled the skin from Harley’s body and the only time she had reacted anywhere near this level of menacing had been when Ivy had been strangling the hyena.  If he thought he was going to bring a simpering Harley to heel by getting rid of her beloved pets Joker was in for a rude awakening.  Ivy would almost pay for the privilege to watch the impending death match.


	34. Somebody Lied

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Harley makes plans to get revenge on the Joker.

Chapter 34

“I’m really appreciative for all you’ve done for me, Miss Harley, but I’m not dumb enough to risk getting on the Joker’s bad side.  I got a good thing going for me right now.”  Kyle was pleading.  “If I keep going the way I’ve been going, he says I’ll get promoted.  Replace Simon in less than a year.”  Harley scowled.  Her hands clenched around a metal baseball bat.  She hated the feel of it.  The weight felt off and the grip was wrong.  Besides, it lacked her usual flair despite her efforts to paint her usual insignia on it.  Still, she couldn’t exactly retrieve her favorite weapons from Amusement Mile so it would have to do.  For now.

“Kylie, Kylie, Kylie,” she tsked.  “I’m not askin’ ya ta do anything _bad_.”  She patted his shoulder as she circled him.  Though he was young, he stood a good head above her even with her stilettos on.  “Just let me know when J goes out.  Maybe a little spying when he’s gettin’ all cushy in the Tickled Trickster.”  She smiled at him sweetly.  “A picture here.  A text there.”  Kyle was shaking his head.  Harley snarled.  Her sweet and friendly demeanor morphed into something vile and dangerous.

“How’s that little _plan_ of yours going to work out if I just up an’ _kill_ ya right here?”  She spat.  Kyle’s face drained of blood.  Harley stopped circling and stood in front of him.  Her bat rested on her shoulder and her eyes held murder.

“Wouldn’t killing me upset Mr. Joker?  He has gone through a lot of trouble to groom me.” Kyle sputtered.  Harley grinned, the murder still icing her eyes.

“Haven’t ya been listenin’, Kylie?” She growled. “Upsettin’ Mista J is the whole _idea_!”  She pulled her bat back and took a stance like she was standing over home plate waiting for the pitch.  Kyle threw his hands up over his face and shrank back.

“Okay, okay, okay!  I’ll do it!”  Harley tipped her head to the side and didn’t deviate from her stance.

“You ain’t gonna run and tell J what I’m about, are ya?”  She grumbled.  Kyle shook his head.

“No!  He’d kill me for sure!”  Harley was unconvinced. 

“No.  You don’t really wanna help me.  You’re gonna turn on me the second I let ya leave here.”  She said slowly.  Kyle shook his head hard.

“No!  I want to help!  I really want to help!”  Harley frowned thoughtfully.

“Only if ya ask nicely.”  She tightened her hands around the grips on her bat.

“Please!   _Please_.  Let me help.”  Kyle begged.  Harleen whispered that he was _really_ saying, _please don’t kill me_.  But Harley reasoned that it was basically the same thing.  Harley smiled then, dropping her arms and leaned on her bat.

“Okay, Kylie!” She said brightly.  Kyle thought he might pass out.  Or get whiplash from her extreme mood swings.  “I’ll let you help me!”

“I don’t see why you didn’t just let me use my pheromones on him.”  Ivy told Harley as soon as Kyle left to do as he was bid.  Harley rolled her eyes at Ivy and sat down in the large armchair she had stolen from a department store across town.  Ivy had managed to ensnare four lumbering brutes to do the heavy lifting, but Harley could see it took a lot out of her.

“Two reasons, Red.”  Harley told her holding up two fingers.  “First, you are still recuperating and using whatever it is that you use to turn men into monkeys obviously wears you out.  Second, I actually happen to _like_ my dear Kylie and there isn’t exactly a reverse pheromone to make the monkey a man again.”  Ivy rolled her eyes, annoyed with the sentiment.  People were so…unappealing.

“Whatever you say, clown.”  She waved to one of the besotted buffoons at the edge of the room and they brought her a glass of water.  Ivy hadn’t been able to move around much or for very long since whatever poison Joker had injected into her three days ago.

Harley had done most of the work in setting up their new digs.  She knew that after the phone call from the Joker they couldn’t stay in her old chemical factory.  Harley had scoped out a few safe houses years early when she wanted to have a place to stay when she incited Joker’s wrath before she had met Ivy.  Without being able to tell any of Joker’s goons, she was only able to stock them with an arsenal of weaponry and nonperishable food.  Now that she had four mindless drones to carry out her bidding, she was able to create a homier feel to the dank apartment.

She had a couch, a bed, two large armchairs, and even a refrigerator.  Harley couldn’t return to their tailor on the off chance that Joker had the place staked out or had even ordered Rene to detain her until he arrived. 

She wasn’t worried about Joker hurting her.  Sure, he may smack her around a bit for running off the way she had, but he wouldn’t do any major damage.  Harley was more worried that she’d fall right back into him and forgive him for everything the second she laid eyes on him.  And she was _not_ ready to forgive him just yet.

He had tortured and nearly killed the only two friends she had _and_ gotten rid of her precious babies.  Decidedly he had to pay.  Harley was going to make him wish he’d never laid eyes on her loved ones.  If it was the last thing she did. 

* * *

 

“Ah, well now.  If it isn’t Mr. Elixir.”  Joker greeted from his seat as Kyle was escorted into his private booth in the Tickled Trickster.  A woman sat on either side of the Joker.  One had a pair of purple, wide rimmed glasses on sans the lenses and both were dressed skimpy outfits showing ample skin.  Both women were unnatural blondes with their hair done up on pigtails.  Kyle made a mental note of the glaring similarities, but kept his mouth shut as he was escorted to a seat in the booth across from the Joker.

Kyle’s stomach was in knots and his mouth had never felt so dry.  The Joker was smiling at him easily and Kyle had a fleeting thought that maybe he didn’t know why he was here.  “Say,” he leaned in and whispered conspiratorially, “aren’t you a little _young_ to be hanging out in a place like this?”  Joker arched his brows and nodded his head over towards the strippers.  Kyle fought down his embarrassment, but couldn’t save a slight flush rising to his cheeks.

“Say, J,” the woman with the glasses sitting beside Joker with her arm around his shoulder said, “he’s pretty cute.”  The woman on Joker’s other side agreed nodding her head and making her short pigtails bobble.

“Is he your son or somethin’?” She asked.  Joker’s upper lip pulled back in a snarl.

“Are you some kind of moron or what?” He demanded of the woman.  She pulled back and looked as though she were about to leave, but Joker gripped her arm tight and held her firmly in place.  The woman whimpered in pain and Kyle saw her eyes shining with tears.  “Say you’re a moron.”  Joker hissed.  The woman on his other side seemed unsure how to deal with the situation at hand.

“I-I’m a moron.” The poor woman stammered.  Joker smiled and shoved her gruffly towards Kyle.

“Good.  Now give Mr. Elixir there a blowjob.”  The woman stared back at Joker incredulously.

“B-but he’s just a kid and I-”

“I didn’t ask for an argument, Moron.” Joker pulled out his butterfly knife and flipped it open.  “Do as I say.”

“N-no, Mr. Joker.  That’s really not necessary.”  Kyle stammered, his face now beat red.  Joker turned his steely gaze to him as though to appraise him.  At last, Joker frowned and shrugged.

“Suit yourself.”  He replied before hurling his butterfly knife at the offending woman.  It lodged in her throat and she sputtered out a fountain of blood that landed on Kyle’s face and shirt.  Kyle winced and wished he could take it back and just let her give him the blowjob if it meant saving her life.

Something white flashed in front of his face and Kyle became aware of Frost standing beside him offering him a towel.  Joker pointed to it and motioned for him to take it.  Joker leaned forward and pulled his knife from the still gurgling woman’s neck.  Frost handed Joker another towel and he began wiping the blood off his knife.  The first woman was crying and shaking uncontrollably.

“Clean yourself up, kid.  You don’t know where she’s been.”  He closed his knife and slid it back up his sleeve before wrapping his arm around the crying woman’s neck and pulling her under his arm her glasses fell off and landed in a puddle of blood in front of her.  “Stop crying.”  He ordered.  “I’d rather not have to clean up another body.”  The woman seemed to be trying her utmost to stop the waterworks and was failing miserably.

Joker was bored of the women.  They were whiny and cried too much.  Not to mention their adverse reactions to him killing that Two-Face loyalist.  He really wasn’t surprised.  He had tried in earnest to find a suitable replacement for Harley when he had thought she was lost to him forever.  He was reluctant to admit the damnable truth.  Harley Quinn was irreplaceable.   _Bitch_.

Joker sighed rolling his eyes.  He slipped his knife across the sobbing woman’s throat with the same care and precision as though he were brushing a piece of lint from his clothing.  His impassive eyes remained on Kyle as blood spurted from the gash like water from a geyser.  Kyle could feel the bile rising in his throat and took shallow breaths to prevent it from spewing from his mouth.  He could sense this was a test of some sort.

“What brings you to the Tickled Trickster, Mr. Elixir?” He asked wiping the blood from his knife and hands as he pushed the woman’s body onto the floor.  Kyle coughed and tried to force his mouth to move.

“Some guys at the school were spreading rumors about my being a poser.  That me dealing was just for my image.”  It wasn’t entirely a lie.  Those _were_ rumors floating around Gotham Prep about him, they just weren’t the reason he was here.  “I started hearing whisperings of plans to rip me off and I figured if I proved myself, it’d put a stop to all their ideas.”  The lie came smoothly and Kyle was impressed and pleased with himself.  Joker nodded silently.

“Did you follow me here, then?”  Kyle swallowed.

“No, sir.” He answered honestly.  Joker nodded again and held out his hand to Kyle.  Kyle stared at it, unsure what he wanted.

“Your phone, kid.” Kyle jumped and dug his phone out of his back pocket quickly placing it in Joker’s waiting hand.  Joker stood and stepped carefully over the dead women to sit beside Kyle.  He opened the camera on his phone and slung his arm around Kyle’s shoulder.  “Smile.” He told him as he snapped a photo.  He stood and tossed the phone in Kyle’s lap.

“Uh, thanks.  Thank you, Boss.” Joker stood with his back to him looking out at the dance floor.

“Get out.”  He ordered.  Kyle knew better than to wait to be told twice.  He stood and made for the door when Joker turned to him again.  “Tell my dear little Harley-kins I say hi.”  Kyle blanched and his stomach dropped.  Joker didn’t appear angry with him so Kyle gave him a curt nod and hurried for the exit.  He didn’t take a breath until he was safely three blocks away. 

* * *

 

Harley had gotten a text from Kyle reporting Joker’s location at the Tickled Trickster.  Harley wasn’t about to let this opportunity go to waste.  She drove to the East Docks on her recently upgraded Harley Davidson and parked it just outside.  She snuck through the docks carefully so as not to be detected by any goons that might alert the Joker to her presence there.  She breathed a sigh of relief when she made it to the tunnel without incident and took care to stick to the edges of the tunnel as she walked back to Amusement Mile.

She hadn’t realized how long of a tunnel it was until she was forced to navigate it on foot.  She grumbled and tried to keep herself focused on the task at hand.  At last, she emerged into the wide cavern of the underground garage and ducked behind a Range Rover to listen for henchmen on guard duty.  She slipped through the garage to the elevator and pressed the call button.

“Every time the boss’s chick gets her panties in a twist, _we’re_ the ones that gotta pay for it.” One of the goons was complaining.  Harley rolled her eyes as the elevator doors dinged open and she ducked inside.  She quickly pulled herself up into the top portion of the elevator and held herself there while the goons inspected.

“Stupid thing’s been glitch ever since the Joker had us cut the power a few weeks ago.”  The second goon told the first.

“Needs recalibrated, I’d guess.”  The first agreed.

“Oh, needs _recalibrated_ , huh?  Look at you, Mr. Thinks-he’s-smart.”  The second goon mocked as the doors slid closed.  Harley let out a breath and punched the button for the penthouse.  Harley wasn’t worried about henchmen in the penthouse.  They weren’t allowed out of the den save a few occasions when they were specifically asked for.  She waited as the doors opened and she walked into her living room.

“Honey, I’m ho-ome!”  She sang into the empty apartment.  She frowned and shrugged when no one answered and stepped further inside.

Her first goal was to get in to Joker’s office which wasn’t difficult because he left it unlocked.  Nobody was stupid enough to go in without permission anyhow.  Harley pushed the door open and squinted in the dim light.  She searched his desk for a lamp and turned it on casting a glow over the room.

She ruffled through the drawers and papers looking for anything that might indicate his next target.  Harley knew he was planning something big, she just wasn’t sure what it was.  Like a master chess player, he was always ten moves ahead.  He would spend years getting a plan to fruition and the outcome was _always_ catastrophic.

Harley opened a drawer in the desk on the far wall and grumbled.  She pulled out two fistfuls of her lost panties.  She turned and found an empty duffle bag and began stuffing all her panties into it before zipping it up.  Harley turned to leave, but caught a glimpse of a photo frame that made her turn back.

She lifted up the picture and was surprised to see herself.  She was almost unrecognizable from who she was currently.  Her cheeks were brighter.  Her smile wider.  Her eyes were sparkling with excitement and desire.  Harley wondered if Joker missed who she was before Belle Reve.  She found herself wistful and sorrowful that she hadn’t returned the same person as before.  A strange sense of pity emerged from some hidden place as she realized, maybe for the first time, that everything the Joker went through from the helicopter to having the bomb removed had failed to get him what he wanted.  Harley Quinn.

Instead of the saucy minx he had framed on his desk in his private office, he got a post-traumatic stress disorder riddled violent, moody, deceiving, unforgiving bitch.  She set the photo back on the desk face down and hastily wiped a tear from her cheek.  She wasn’t someone that deserved the Joker.  Not anymore.

Harley walked back out of the office with her duffle bag and headed into the bedroom to search for her revolver.  Maybe it was a gift from Joker, but she really couldn’t stand the feel of any other gun in her hand.  She opened the bedroom door and was immediately ambushed.

Harley fell backwards onto the floor as Bud and Lou licked at her and cackled excitedly.  Harley was dazed for a moment before laughing and pulling her babies into a hearty bear hug.  She cried into their fur and scratched at their necks.

“My babies!” She greeted them.  “How are my big, strong boys?” She asked.  They yipped in response and their whole rear ends shook with happiness as they wagged their tails.  “I’m sorry Mommy’s been gone so long.  I would’ve come sooner, but Daddy told me he’d gotten rid of ya.”  She sniffled and buried her face into Lou’s neck.

“I can’t believe you actually thought I’d just get rid of them.”  Harley stilled as his voice washed over her.  She hadn’t heard the elevator so she guessed he came up the stairs.  “You picked the wrong kid to spy on me.” He continued.  “Mr. Barker gave himself away the second he showed up at my club.”  He paused.  “In his school uniform no less.”  Harley wiped her face with her fingers and stood.

“Hey there, Mista J.”


	35. Doctor

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Harley and Joker have a little tete-a-tete. Somebody needs a doctor.

Chapter 35

She turned to him slowly, not quite ready to face him again.  Joker, for all his rage, seemed relaxed as he took her in.  She had other surveillance on him done over the past week and every picture and every video showed a tense man ready to put a head through some drywall.  His or someone else’s, it really didn’t seem to matter.  However, the Joker before her was calm, his muscles were loose and his smile was soft.

“Are you finished with your little tantrum yet?”  Joker cajoled.  Harley felt her stomach fluttering as she stared at him.  His gold shirt was mostly unbuttoned and his lavender slacks were tight in all the right places.  Harley’s eyes followed his gold chains across his pale, naked chest and down to the tops of his abs before they disappeared beneath his shirt.  She wet her lips absently and did her best to tamp down the unruly desire unfurling inside her.

“Why’d you tell me you were going to get rid of the babies if you weren’t?”  She demanded, trying her best to focus on something other than her libido.  Joker shrugged nonchalantly and she became acutely aware of him easing his way toward her.  Harley braced herself for a fight while trying to maintain a look of innocence.  “You’ve never given me any reason to doubt that you’ll do what you say.”  She continued as she watched him carefully.  He pulled his holster off and placed it on the dining room table.  “If I’d known they were still here I woulda been back days ago.”  Joker frowned and gave a slight nod, but didn’t appear to care one way or the other.

“If you had come home a few days ago, I may have killed you.” He confessed easily.  It was the same way someone might have said, ‘Oh, and by the way we need a carton of eggs from the store’.  Harley gave him a measured look.

“You were the one screaming at me to come home.”  Joker’s eyes narrowed.

“You weren’t supposed to have _left_ in the first place.”  He snapped.  Harley crossed her arms.

“If you hadn’t tried to kill my friend, maybe I _wouldn’t_ have.”  Joker swatted the air in front of him with one hand.

“She’s not your friend.  Call her an acquaintance if you must.”  Joker stopped.  “An acquaintance that would have been dead if you hadn’t called the Bat.”  Harley’s mouth dried.

“I didn’t call him.”  She declared.  “I don’t exactly have 1-800-Batsy saved in my contact list.”  Joker moved quickly.  His hand wrapped around her throat and he slammed her up against the wall hard enough to knock the paintings off their hinges.  The hyenas cackled nervously and bounced around behind Joker frightened and unsure of what to do.  Harley rested her hands on Joker’s tense forearm and stared unblinkingly back into Joker’s fury filled eyes.

“I _know_ you alerted him somehow.  Batman doesn’t just _show up_ every time we miscreants get in a tizzy.”  He snarled.  “If he hadn’t shown up, the green lady would be dead and _I_ wouldn’t have to worry about anyone tak-” He stopped with a growl.  Harley’s brows knit together as she mentally finished the sentence he would never say. _I wouldn’t have to worry about anyone taking you away from me_.

“Killing my friends isn’t an option, J.”  She said softly.  Joker’s upper lip curled back to reveal his metal teeth.

“Everything is an option to me.”  Harley frowned at him.

“Not if you want me to stick around.”  Joker opened his mouth, his fingers tightened around her slim throat. “You’ll have to kill me if you ever do.”  Joker closed his mouth.  Harley’s eyes softened and she rubbed her hand lightly up and down his forearm.

“You ever take off like that again and it’s likely I will.”  He snarled before jerking his hand away and letting her drop to the ground.  Bud and Lou were there in an instant, licking her face and hands and worrying over her.

“Who said I was stayin’?” Harley demanded.  _Quit being belligerent.  We all know you aren’t going anywhere._   Joker turned back to her with some unfathomable expression on his face.  Overall, Harley noted, he simply looked tired.  No.  Tired didn’t seem to cover it.  Exhausted was closer.  _Strange.  He and I can normally fight for weeks without tiring.  That stamina is one of the many reasons I love him._

“Fine.”  He agreed.  “Go.”  Harley shook her head in confusion.

“You…you _want_ me to leave?”  She hedged.  Joker sat down on the couch and put his face in his hands.

“I have made it abundantly clear what it is that I want.”  Harley took a tentative step forward then another.  She knocked her knees gently against his and sifted her fingers through his hair.  Still, he didn’t look up.  Harley pulled her hands from his hair and rubbed her hands in soft, soothing circles over his shoulders.

“I won’t go anywhere, Puddin’.”  She confessed, quietly.  Joker lifted his head and looked at her.  The sparkle of amusement was back in his eyes and he was grinning like a school boy on Christmas.

“Puddin’?”  He repeated.  Harley looked confused.  “You haven’t called me that in weeks.”  He explained.  Harley grinned.

“I didn’t realize how much it’d grown on ya, hun.” She laughed.  Joker grabbed Harley’s arms and pulled her down until she straddled him.  He wrapped his long fingers around the back of her neck to rest his forehead against hers.

“It’s not the only thing growing on me.”  He rasped before rolling his hips up against her as if to prove his point.  Harley immediately reacted, grinding down against him and slipping her hands over his hard, smooth shoulders.

“Oh,” she breathed, “you should probably get that checked out.”  Joker nodded solemnly and pulled her hands into his.

“You’re right.  So what do you say, _doctor_?  Is it treatable?”  Harley twisted her lips in thought.

“I’m not sure.  I’ll have to give you a full exam to see the extent of the problem.”  Joker nodded eagerly.  Harley slipped her hands from his and stood up.  “First thing’s first, I’ll need you to disrobe.”  Joker stood and set his hands on the few remaining shirt buttons.  He paused and looked at her.

“A little _privacy_ please, Dr. Quinzel?”  Harley’s cheeks brightened as she nodded and turned around.  She caught sight of Joker’s reflection in one of the mirrors hanging from the wall and she leaned over slightly to get a better view.  Joker shucked his shirt and gold chains before unbuckling his belt to slide his pants down.  Harley licked her lips in anticipation.  It had been far too long since their last good romp.

Joker cleared his throat and met her eyes in the mirror.  Harley turned scarlet with embarrassment a having been caught.  She swallowed with difficulty and turned around.  Joker stood with his hands on his hips, his erection standing up like a flag pole.  Harley caught her bottom lip between her teeth and chewed at it.

“Well, doc?”  Joker prompted.  Harley gave herself a shake and stepped up to him.  He stood perfectly still and let her ‘examine’ him at her leisure.  She moved around him in a slow circle, her fingers pressing at his shoulders and back before dropping to cup his taught ass.  She squeezed and Joker made a noise in the back of his throat that had Harley stifling a chuckle.  “That didn’t seem very professional, _doctor_.  What did that indicate?”  He grated.  Harley circled back around to face him and smiled her most professional smile.

“That you exercise often and take care of your body.”  She looked down at his cock and reached down to stroke it with her fingertips.  Joker’s hands curled into fists on his hips and his chest rumbled.  “Now about your little problem here-”

“Little?”  Harley smirked.

“I believe it is nothing more than a build-up of fluids in the penis.”  Joker raised his brows.

“And what do you recommend for treatment?”  Harley glanced at his swollen shaft and back up into his eyes licking her lips.

“Well, I _do_ know of a way to get rid of the excess fluid, but I’m afraid it isn’t a viable option.”  Joker narrowed his eyes at her.

“Why not?” He growled.  Harley shrugged with an exaggerated sigh.

“I’m afraid it just wouldn’t be professional.  _Or_ ethical for that matter.”  Joker grabbed Harley’s hand pulling it down to wrap around his cock.

“I don’t give a flying fuck about professional or ethical.” He snapped.  Harley couldn’t resist giving him a nice slow stroke and repressed her grin when his eyes rolled back.  She started to pull her hand away, but he held her there.  Harley ran her tongue over her upper lip, her entire body was tingling with need, but she was having far too much fun to give in.  Joker leaned toward her, intent on capturing her lips with his own when Harley yanked herself away from him and turned around.

“No.”  She gasped.  “No, we can’t.  I could lose my job!”  She professed dramatically.  Joker grabbed her around the waist and flung her over his shoulder.

“Not to worry, Dr. Quinn, I’ve got a better job in mind for you.”  He carried her into the bedroom and shut the door behind them with his foot, locking the hyenas out.  He tossed her onto the bed before tugging off her boots.  Harley wriggled away from him and crawled across the wide expanse of the bed.  Joker growled behind her.

“C’mon, Dr. Quinn,” he whined, “all this fluid build-up is starting to hurt.”  Harley stopped and looked back at him.  He was laying on his belly halfway across the bed, his arms reaching out for her with a forlorn expression on his face.  Harley sighed and turned back to him.  She sat on her knees and rolled him onto his back.

“You better not tell my boss about this.” Joker held up three fingers and nodded.

“Scouts honor.”  Harley wrapped her fingers around him and gave him another stroke, quicker this time.  A bead of precum appeared at the head of his shaft and slipped down towards her hand.  She rubbed her thumb over the moist head before following it with her tongue.  Joker groaned and put a hand in her hair.  She worked her way up and down his shaft, her hand massaging his tight balls until he came.

Harley pulled back and swallowed what was in her mouth as the rest of his cum made a mess on Joker’s stomach and the bed.  He made no effort to move.  Staring up at the ceiling contentedly instead.  Harley curled up beside him and pressed her face into his neck and he absently wrapped his arm around her shoulders.  His free hand settled on her waist for a second before sliding under the waistband of her shorts and finding her warmth.  He hummed with interest and Harley looked up.  He was still staring impassively at the ceiling.

“What is it?”  She asked.  Joker frowned thoughtfully.

“Oh, it just seems like you have a fluid buildup of your own.”  He swirled his fingers around in her dampness to prove it.  Harley squirmed against his hand and spread her knees to give him better access.

“Oh, maybe it’s contagious.”  The corner of Joker’s mouth twitched up before twisting them around until Harley was pinned beneath him.

“I think I’ll have to perform a physical exam of my own.”  Harley set her finger between her teeth and nodded.  “Disrobe.”  He ordered, borrowing her term from earlier.  Harley complied eagerly, tearing her shirt and shorts off so that she lay completely naked beneath him.

Joker ran his hands over her body just like she had, adding a few extra squeezes here and there for good measure.  His hands cupped her ass and he gave her a firm squeeze.  Harley squealed with delight.

“What did _that_ indicate?” She giggled.  Joker flicked his tongue over one of her tight nipples.  He debated his answer.

“It indicated that you’re extremely… _flexible_.”  He illustrated this by bringing her left leg up and pressing it against her shoulder so that she was doing the splits on her back.  This position gave him the best view of her wet cunt and he dipped his finger back into the folds.  Harley’s eyes fluttered shut as a deep moan broke through her lips.  “Would you like your treatment, _doctor_?” Joker asked.  Harley nodded, biting her lip to stop another moan from slipping out.  “Ask me nicely.”  He instructed.

“Yes.  _Please_ treat me, Puddin’.” Harley gasped.  Joker flicked his thumb over her clit and watched her squirm for a few long seconds before dipping his head and running his tongue over her cunt.  He thrust his tongue inside her, pulling back he moved up to her clit and suck at it.  He pulled it between his teeth and Harley howled with pleasure.  Joker worked his fingers in and out of her expertly until she came around them.  Joker slowly withdrew his fingers from her and slid back up her body and pulled her against his chest.

Harley hummed happily and squeezed her arms around him.  She sighed.  “I think I’m gonna need ta see your medical license.”

 


	36. On Again

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bruce and Selina centric chapter.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The long awaited continuation of a saga. Stay tuned for more!

Chapter 36

It was always quiet at Wayne Manor.  Even before Martha and Thomas were taken away and planted firmly in the ground.  Or, rather, entombed in the Wayne family crypt situated on the tallest hill in Gotham Memorial Cemetary.  The manor was too vast and the family was too small to fill the halls with sounds.

Bruce had long forgotten the sound of his father’s voice or the delicate hum of his mother, but occasionally he would remember the sound of his mother’s violin echoing through the wide corridors.  She could play for hours on end and Bruce remembered often being annoyed with the melodies and packing up his books to move across the manor to a more quiet nook.  He would give anything in the world.  Live destitute if need be.  If only he could hear the violin ringing through the halls of Wayne Manor once more.  But it didn’t.  The halls remained silent.

He tried to fill his home with his adopted children.  He had adopted many and they were rambunctious.  More so than he had ever been, but even they were not enough.  Their playful voices would ring out into the house and disappear.  After some time, they began to disappear as well.  He found the familiar silence comforting in their absences.

He thought he had long since become accustomed to the silence.  He often found he enjoyed it.  Tonight was different.  Tonight the silence of the manor weighed heavy.  It filled the high vaulted ceilings and wide rooms like smoke in a house fire.  It snuck into his nose and mouth and squeezed his lungs.  In spite of the weight, Bruce wanted nothing but to carry it for a while longer.  As soon as it was broken, there would be no going back.

Selina had wandered into the library.  The largest and quietest part of the manor.  Bruce watched her perusing the books.  Her finger trailed along the old, worn spines as she walked in that deliberate, slow way she had.  The walk that drove Bruce wild with temptation. 

She wasn’t in her cat suit.  She had had him stop by one of her hideaways so she could change.  Apparently, being seen riding around with Batman was ‘bad for her image’.  Instead, she wore an oversized grey t-shirt and a pair of black athletic shorts.  Her short, brown hair rippled around her sweet face.

Bruce knew he should be thinking about what he was going to say, but he couldn’t seem to be bothered.  It had been ages since she had graced these halls.  He felt her absence in every breath.  The mornings the Joker had had her captive were some of the most unbearable days of his life. 

Selina and Bruce went back decades.  The typical on again-off again relationship that seemed to plague today’s society.  Bruce had known Selina would spell trouble for him the instant he laid eyes on her.  Sure, he had found girls beautiful before and after Selina, but none as captivating.  It was the only time he had ever been grateful to the thug that murdered his parents.  That horrendous act that turned his pleasant life to misery had at least thrust her into it in that same moment.  A single beam of moonlight in an otherwise pitch black sky.

Of course, Selina couldn’t make anything easy.  _She must know everything_.  Thirteen year old Bruce had thought.  She was his age, but playing a much more advanced game than he could even wrap his head around.  She was quicker on her feet than he ever thought he could be.  And she knew it.  At thirteen she could think so quickly and change her tactics so fast and so smooth and so effortlessly that it would leave full grown adults and seedy, underhanded criminals reeling.

At sixteen, Bruce spent months outside of Gotham training his body and his mind.  He came back for a few months to visit Alfred and check on his company and its corrupt board.  He had naively thought he could avoid Selina.  Keep her from his thoughts.  But like always, she was there.

In Wayne Manor, of course.  She snuck in once or twice a month according to Alfred.  She told Bruce it was just to snag a trinket or two to pawn for food, but he could tell she had been checking to see whether he had returned or not.  That was when Bruce had lost his virginity.  At around eight-thirty in the evening on December nineteenth eight weeks before his eighteenth birthday.

They were too young and too stupid to make any sort of relationship work at that time.  They were careless and self-obsessed.  So Selina disappeared into the cold, December night and Bruce took off to China to train with the monks five days before Christmas.  He hadn’t even considered Alfred.  Alone in the quiet of the manor.

Presumably the same quiet that Selina and Bruce now stood in.  Selina became bored reading the book titles.  She leaned against the banister above Bruce and looked down at him.  Bruce swallowed uneasily.  It had been he who suggested they talk.  He knew that she already knew Damian was his.  She saw the way she had looked at him.  But he had to tell her.  He had to say the words or she would never forgive him.

“Are you going to start talking, Bruce?  Or should I hotwire one of your cars and head back into Gotham?”  Bruce gave her a tight smile and nodded.

“It’s difficult to begin.”  Bruce wet his lips and rubbed the back of his neck.  Selina nodded and slinked down the stairs.

“He looks about thirteen or fourteen.”  Bruce’s fears were coming true.  She was thinking the worst.

“He’s eleven.”  Selina frowned and fixed him with a scrutinizing stare.

“Really?”  Bruce nodded earnestly.  Selina shrugged.  “I could’ve sworn he was a teenager.”

“Please.”  Bruce shook his head and a small smile tugged at the edges of his mouth.  “Don’t let him hear you say that.  He’s a handful enough as it is.”

“From what I’ve seen of him, I’d say so.”  Bruce remembered seeing Damian attacking Selina hours before.  _Was it really only hours_?

“I’m sorry about earlier.  His mother didn’t exactly instill manners in him.”  Bruce winced as he realized what he’d said.  He hadn’t meant to mention it so tactlessly.

“His mother.”  Selina mused.  She sat down in one of the plush armchairs seated around a large, cherry wood coffee table.  Bruce took the chair across from her.  “Don’t tell me.  Let me guess.”  Bruce wrapped his fingers around the back of his neck and rested his elbows on his thighs.  “Let’s see… he’s eleven which would put his conception about twelve years ago.  What was I doing twelve years ago?”

“You were in Denmark stealing the Tuscan Diamond that was on loan from the Musée d'Orsay.”  Selina raised a delicate brow at him and nodded.

“And you were still running around with your first Boy Wonder.”  Bruce looked up ready to defend his first adopted son’s honor when he saw the sadness in her green eyes.  Bruce gave her a comforting smile.

“Dick’s doing fine.  Calls himself Nightwing now.  He lives just over in Bludhaven with his girlfriend, Kori.”  Selina laughed.

“The little brat has a girlfriend now?  Good for him.”  Bruce nodded in agreement.

“Twelve years ago is when it all started going downhill.”  Selina looked away quietly.  “Talia al Ghul.”  Bruce whispered.  Selina went rigid.  She leapt up from her chair and moved behind it.

“al Ghul?”  She demanded.  “Are you kidding me?  You knocked up the daughter of the League of Assassins?”

“I wasn’t exactly a willing participant in his conception.”  Bruce qualified.  “She drugged me after I refused R’as’ offer to name me the new Head of the Demon.  I guess my heir was the next best thing.”  Selina looked disgusted which was exactly how Bruce had felt after he discovered he had been used.

“She raped you?”  Bruce nodded.  Selina snarled.  “I’m gonna kill her.”  Bruce stood up and blocked her path as she made for the door.

“Selina, she’s already dead.”  Selina stilled.

“She’s dead?”  Bruce nodded.  “How?  I mean… you didn’t….”

“No!  No.  She was sick.  Something even the Lazarus Pit couldn’t cure I suppose.  She brought Damian to me.  Told me he was mine and vanished.  After performing a paternity test and confirming her allegations, I tracked her down.  It seemed she died shortly after delivering Damian to me.  I don’t know what happened to R’as al Ghul or the rest of the League of Assassins.  They’ve been unusually quiet lately, but when she gave me Damian she told me to keep him away from her father.”

“When did this all happen?”  Bruce looked down at his hands, clasped around her tiny wrists.

“A couple of months ago.”  He uttered.

“Months?”  Bruce nodded.

“Before or after the clock tower?”  She demanded.  Bruce took a deep breath in through his nose.

“Before.”  His voice was hollow.  He wished he were a metahuman with the ability to read minds.  Selina looked like she was having a conversation with herself in her head.  Bruce was afraid of the conclusion she might draw.

“Do you ever get tired of it all, Bruce?”  Bruce was quiet.  “The secrets, the lies, the games.  When does it become too much?”  Selina seemed to be talking more to herself.  Continuing the conversation in her head out loud as though she had heard his wish.

“It’s never been easy, Selina.  I know I might make it seem that way sometimes, but I struggle under the weight of what I do every minute.  I struggle to make sense of the criminal underground and make sense of my decisions to fight them every night.  I root myself in the idea that Gotham needs somebody protecting them from those who go beyond the control of law enforcement, but some nights I think it’d be easier to return to the mountains and live as a hermit.”  He hesitated for a fraction of a second before tucking his forefinger under her chin and lifting her face up to face his.  “But being with you has always made sense and has always made what I do worth it.”  He touched his lips softly to hers.  It was barely more than a brush, but the magnetism sparked instantly.  They couldn’t resist each other any more than they could resist gravity.

Selina pulled Bruce’s short, black hair into her fists and smashed her lips against his.  Long gone were the days of chaste kisses and blushing cheeks.  Pure, unadulterated lust coursed through them.  The passion and desire could not be halted or deterred.  Selina wrapped her long legs around his hips and pulled him closer.  Bruce walked them back to the chaise lounge in the dark reading nook at the rear of the library.

He settled Selina onto the leather seat and eased himself over her.  Selina was already unbuttoning the crisp, white shirt he had changed into when they first arrived back at the manor.  Bruce broke their kiss to tug Selina’s shirt up over her head before molding their lips together again.  Selina shoved his pants down his hips and dug her nails into his cheeks.  Bruce broke away from her again and pulled his pants up as he hurried across the library and out the door.

Selina sat up and stared at the large, oak doors.  She counted the seconds.  Then the minutes.  Finally, the door reopened and Selina smiled seductively.  The smile fell to shock as she realized it wasn’t Bruce.  And she was still topless.

Selina leapt up from the chaise lounge and snatched Bruce’s shirt off the ground too late.  _Great.  I probably just jump started Junior’s puberty_.  She turned around to button up the shirt before addressing the nuisance.

“Isn’t it past your bed time?”  She demanded.  Damian glared at her.

“A trained assassin gets by on two hours of sleep.  We can also stay awake for days on end.”  He replied curtly.  Selina rolled her eyes.

“Only people who have killed other people can be called assassins.”  She replied.

“I have killed.”  Damian argued.  Selina raised an eyebrow.

“A person?”  Damian crossed his arms.

“A peasant in the village.  Grandfather says that every man should have his first kill under his belt before he turns ten.”  Selina wrinkled her nose and nodded slowly.

“Assassins also kill people for political reasons.  A village peasant isn’t exactly making political gains.  Looks like you’re just a tiny murderer.”  Damian growled and curled his hands into fists.

“At least I’ve killed someone!  I’ll bet you’ve never killed anyone in your life.”  Damian shouted.  Selina looked up as Bruce reentered the library.

“You’d lose that bet, kid.”  Selina confessed.  She locked eyes with Bruce and walked out of the library and headed up to his bedroom.

“What the hell do you think you’re doing, old man?  Are you really dating that criminal?”  She heard Damian demand.

“Damian. That’s enough.  Go back to your room and go to sleep.”  Damian growled something else, but Selina was too far away.  She hid in Bruce’s bedroom and settled herself on his bed.  A few minutes later, he entered.

“I may have accidentally given the kid a peep show.”  Selina admitted.  Bruce was staring at her in wonder.  She chewed on her cheek nervously.  “What?”

“I thought you’d left.”  He answered.  Selina ruffled her hair.

“Do you want me to leave?”  She asked as she stood up.  Bruce was at her side in an instant, stilling her.

“No.”  He implored.  Selina smiled up at him and laid her hand flat on his smooth chest.  She leaned forward and placed a small kiss over his heart.

“Do you want me to stay?”  She asked.  Her hand slid down his belly to the button on his slacks.

“As long as you will.”  He replied.  His fingers worked the buttons apart until he could slip the starched material from her smooth, olive shoulders.

“No tricks, B.”  She cautioned.  Bruce nodded solemnly.  Selina grinned and found his mouth with her own.  Bruce shoved his hand into his pocket and pulled out a condom.  He rested his forehead against hers and held it up.

“Fortunately, I had to leave to find one of these or Damian would have seen a lot more of us than just your chest.”  Selina narrowed her eyes at him.

“Fortunate for _you_.”  Bruce winced.

“Yeah.  Sorry.”  Selina shook her head.

“How about you just stop talking, B?”  Bruce nodded and made the motion of zipping his lips.  Selina smiled and pressed their lips together again.  Hopefully this would be the time they could make it all work out.  No more on and off again.  Just Selina and Bruce together.  Being apart was excruciating no matter how long or short the time was.  Each swore to themselves that this would be the time they would do whatever it took to stay together.  But promises were only promises if they are spoken and no more words were shared that night.


	37. Witches, Clowns, and Broken Things

“What happened to revenge, Harley?”  Ivy demanded.  Harley was hanging by her knees on one of her acrobatic ribbons.  She stared at her pig tails unconcerned with the twenty foot drop to the thinly padded cement floor.  Harley held her phone to her ear and mindlessly rocked herself back and forth.

“That was when I thought he’d gotten rid of my babies.  Now that I know Bud and Lou are fine and he never really intended on getting rid of them, everything’s fine.”  She heard Ivy growl in agitation and considered hanging up.

“Why do you keep going back to that psycho?”  She hissed.  Harley pulled the phone away from her ear and gave it a frown though she knew Ivy couldn’t see it.

“In case ya forgot, Red,” Harley retorted bringing the phone back to her ear, “you and me are psychos, too.”  Harley stuck her phone between her teeth and pulled herself upright on the fabric until she was sitting upright again.  She pulled the phone from her mouth in time to hear Ivy ranting about the near death experience her Puddin’ had given her.  “Red, Red, Red, you’re overreacting.  My Puddin’ jus’ loses his temper sometimes.  He don’t really mean nothin’ by it.”  Harley pursed her lips in thought.  “Although he is still mad that you keep tellin’ me to leave ‘im.”

“You _should_ leave him, Harley.”  Ivy insisted.  Harley shook her head.  Another action she knew Ivy couldn’t see, but she felt compelled to do anyway.

“Don’t bad mouth my Mista J, Ivy.  You can take your anger out on me if ya want, but you leave my Puddin’ alone.  He’s stronger than you anyhow.  I don’t think B-man has another miracle cure for whatever else Mista J cooks up for ya.”

“Is that a threat, Harley?”  Harley shook her head.

“It’s a warning.  Just drop it, Red.  Let’s just go back to how it was before.  You don’t talk ta him and he don’t talk ta you.”  Ivy growled into the phone again and Harley rolled her eyes.  “Listen, Red, I’m gonna have ta let ya go now.  I need both hands to dismount and I hear Mista J’s laugh outside.”  Harley hung up before Ivy could continue her ranting.

She shoved the phone in the waistband of her pants and pulled herself up until she was standing on the loop of fabric.  She started swinging until it was at a pretty good speed and launched herself at two more pieces of bright red fabric that hung from the top of the thirty foot tall ceiling to the blue mats on the floor below.  Her hands twisted around in the fabric and she held herself aloft for a few seconds more.  Out of the corner of her eye, Harley saw the bright green of Joker’s hair and she fought to squelch the excitement in her belly.  She twisted her body around the fabric and rolled easily down to the floor.

“Puddin’!”  Harley squealed the instant her toes hit the floor.  She sprinted to him and leapt up wrapping her long legs around his waist and her arms around his neck.  Joker steadied himself with a half step back.  One hand grabbed her ass and his other arm wrapped tightly around her back.  She smashed her mouth into his hungrily.  Joker reciprocated with a hungry growl.

Joker’s grip changed.  His hand moved from her back to grip her upper arm.  Tightly.  Harley moaned into his mouth and rubbed her crotch against his.  Suddenly, he ended the kiss and flung Harley across the room.  She landed hard on her right shoulder and wanted nothing more than to lie there for a few seconds to regain her composure, but she knew better.

Harley flipped herself back up onto her feet and assumed a fighting stance.  Joker circled her slowly, assessing her form.  Looking for openings.  Harley wouldn’t give him any.  She was ready.  Joker shoved his hand into one of his pockets and withdrew a set of his chattering teeth.  He hurled them at her feet and Harley back flipped away knowing full well that the teeth, aside from having razor sharp teeth, had motion sensors that would cause them to explode.

Harley continued into a back tuck for extra flourish and barely had time to duck away from the throwing knives Joker was chucking at her.  She cartwheeled to the left and took off for the arms cache.  Joker tossed another dagger at her as she went and it caught her thigh.  Harley let out a curse as she dropped.  She continued into a roll and shot an irritated glare at Joker.

“Looks like you’re getting slow, Poo.  Maybe we should get you on a treadmill.  Really work on your cardio, ya know?”   He joked.  Harley reached the moderately sized portion of the wall that held a variety of weapons.  She had been meaning to work on her cardio since Midway City.  She just kept getting distracted.  Her Puddin’ did that to her.  Made her lose her train of thought.

“All this rough housin’ ain’t winnin’ ya any bedroom points, Mista J.”  Harley yelled back.  She found a bundle of throwing stars and a smaller version of her mallet.  She threw two of the throwing stars at Joker who dodged them easily and tucked the remaining ten stars between her belt and shorts.

“We’ll see about that, baby.  You always get hot when I get violent.”  He argued.  Joker dodged her throwing stars with ease and stalked her to the edge of the mats.  She tucked herself behind a few of the acrobatic fabrics and waited for him to get close.

“I was hot _before_.”  She grumbled.  The room hummed with silence.  She listened for his footsteps, but he was careful.  He had worked on his stealth with every opportunity presented.  The gleeful feeling he got in his belly when he was able to sneak up on some unsuspecting goon and scare them into next week was a rush.  He completely understood why Batman did it so much.

Joker stood in front of one of the red acrobatic ribbons and worked to keep his breathing shallow and quiet.  He grinned excitedly and thrust his arms into the ribbon to grab Harley’s unsuspecting body.  Unfortunately, all Joker was able to grab was the fabric and air.  With an oomph, he rolled to the ground and looked at his empty hands in confusion.  He had been absolutely certain that that was the ribbon Harley had been hiding behind.

Joker rolled to his feet and scratched the back of his head before checking the other ribbons.  Joker huffed out a sigh and put his hands on his hips.  An obvious thought struck him and he looked up.  Low and behold, Harley Quinn was dangling from one of the acrobatic ribbons.  Her mallet was held between her clenched teeth as she climbed.  Joker circled the corner of the training room where the twelve, thirty feet long ribbons hung from solid steel rafters.  He slid a knife from inside his sleeve and aimed it at the top of the ribbon she was climbing.  He started to throw it, took a second, stepped back, and chucked it at the spot where the ribbon was tied to the rafter.  The razor sharp blade sliced through the fabric like a knife through warm butter.  Harley let out an audible gasp as she started to fall.  The mallet fell from between her teeth and landed with a thump barely inches from where Joker was standing.

The red ribbon fell in slow motion along with Harley Quinn.  Alright, the slow motion was most likely just in his head, but everything seemed to stop as he watched the consequences of his actions happen right in front of him.  The sight left Joker regretting his decision.  A fall from her height would most likely kill her.  Joker wasn’t sure if his heart was racing or if it had stopped.  His mouth dried instantaneously.  _Should’ve just taken her to the bedroom._

Harley squelched the panic that bloomed in her chest at her sudden freefall and grabbed onto one of the other ribbons close by.  She grunted as the forced of her body falling caught on her left hand.  She heard something crack and unsuccessfully tried to suppress a whimper of pain from slipping out between her lips.  She primarily used her right hand to slide down the ribbon to the floor.  Joker frowned at her and started to resume the fighting when he noticed her left hand.  It had already begun to swell and change from its normal pale hue to a violet blue shade.  Harley was working on ignoring the pain and going back about sparring.  She knew a broken limb wouldn’t cease a fight in the real world so Joker would expect the same vigilance in training.

“Should’ve aimed a little lower, Mista J.  You coulda ended this once an’ for all.”  Harley laughed.  Joker’s focus was on her hand.  Her pinky was twisted toward her hand at a disgusting angle and the ring finger was twisted just as disgustingly in the opposite direction.  The oversized ring she usually wore on that finger was nowhere to be seen and Joker figured it fell off when she grabbed for the second ribbon.

“Yoohoo, Mista J!”  Harley sang waving her right hand around in front of him.  “We still doin’ this or what?”  Joker let out a growl and snatched her right hand up in his own and dragged her across the mats and out the door.  “Hey.  If you think you’re still gettin’ lucky after that whole nearly killed me thing, think again, Buster.”

“Shut up.”  Joker growled without looking at her.  He jabbed his finger into the elevator button and waited for the doors to open.

“Alright, fine.  I’ll still screw you, but you’re gonna have ta really make this up ta me.”  Harley paused for a second and hesitantly looked at her broken hand for the first time.  She felt like throwing up.  Her stomach was flipping and her head became incredibly light.  “I don’t think hand jobs are gonna be a possibility for me for a while anyhow.”  She joked through clenched teeth.  Joker looked down at the offending limb and gave a short laugh in response.  The elevator doors opened and the both stepped inside.  Joker pressed the button for the garage and slowly the door closed again.

“You have one good hand still.”  He replied.  Harley chuckled and wavered as she lost her vision for a second.  More than a second, actually.  She was mildly aware of her body falling again and she knew Joker had caught her.

“She needs x-rays, Boss.”  Frost declared.  Harley found herself annoyed that Frost was doing his whole Captain Obvious act right now.  The pain in her hand seemed to extend all the way to her shoulder.  She gritted her teeth and waited for the world to right itself.  She wondered how long she had been out.  They weren’t in the garage, but she didn’t recognize the room they were in.

“So go start up the machine.”  Joker barked.  Frost shuffled nervously.

“Uh, you took apart the machine like three years ago, Boss.” Frost stammered.  Joker growled and stormed into another room with Frost on his tail.  Presumably where the x-ray machine was kept.  Harley started to use her right arm to sit up when she noticed the I.V. in her arm.  She followed the line up to the bag and tried to read the label.  Her eyes wouldn’t cooperate.

“Wuzzis?”  She mumbled.  That didn’t sound right.  “Waz.  ‘Is?”  She enunciated.  She looked around the room.  Nobody was there.

_Nobody?  This room is stuffed to the gills with Belle Reve guards._

“Wha’?”  Harley demanded out loud.

_You went on another one of your infamous hunger strikes and when the guards came to round you up for force feeding, you punched one of them so hard you broke your hand._

“No.  Hur’ m’self on ribbon.  Fallin’.”  She argued with the Enchantress.

_You hurt yourself on a guard’s face._

“Nn nn.  J was we was sparrin’.  Sparrin’ in the ribbons.  J brough’ me here.”

 _Joker gave you an I.V. of Rohypnol?_   She hissed.  Harley focused on the label of the I.V. fluids again and saw the word Rohypnol printed beside the Rx label.

“In Belle Reve?”  Harley uttered with uncharacteristic hopelessness.  A small sob was trapped at the back of her throat strangling her.  “No Puddin’?”  Tears sprang from her eyes.

 _Yes_.  The Enchantress hissed.

“No.”  She whimpered.  She reached over with her mangled left hand and tried to pull the I.V. from her arm.  “Nononononononononononono.”  She mumbled under her breath.  “No here.  Need Puddin’.”  She accidentally broke the tip of the needle off in her arm, but decided fleeing was more important at the moment.

Harley found her legs and stumbled for the door.  She tried to do so as quietly as possible, but couldn’t be sure she was succeeding.  She needed to move quickly.  She stepped outside the door and tried to focus on the number of people outside.  From what she could see it was an assembly line.  Harley wondered what the Enchantress thought showing her an assembly line would do for her psyche.

“Miss Quinn?”  A guard asked.  He was a bit fatter than the other guards Harley was used to and he was strapped, but he wasn’t wearing a Belle Reve guard uniform. 

_Not in your fantasy he isn’t._

Harley used her right hand to flip herself over and wrap her legs around his neck.  They dropped to the ground and Harley found one of the throwing stars she had stowed between her shorts and belt earlier.

“Wait, Harley!  It’s me, Simon!  I’m one of the bad guys, remember?  I do the drug stuff for Joker!”  He cried out.

 _I do such a good job of making them convincing._   Enchantress applauded herself.  Harley squeezed her eyes shut and shook her head violently.

“Shut up shut up shut up!”  She screamed.  At the same time, she jabbed the throwing star into the goon’s/guard’s throat.

_But we’re having so much fun, darling.  It’s been over ten thousand years since I’ve had this much fun._

“I’m not havin’ fun!”  Harley argued.  “No fun at all an’ I know what fun is, lady!”  She screamed.

“Harley!”  She turned around and saw Joker’s face.  His lime green hair.  His bright red lips.  His stern, blue eyes. 

 _Not him_.  Enchantress sang.  Tears fell from her eyes and a look of suspicion crossed Joker’s face.

“I want him ta be.”  Harley whimpered.

 _Play along with it.  Your Mister J may be dead, but there’s no reason to suffer.  Let yourself fall into this fantasy.  Let yourself be with this Mister J._   Enchantress urged.

“Want who to be what?”  Joker demanded.

“Want you ta be my Puddin’.”  She murmured.  “I don’t wanna be in prison no more.”

“I thought we were past this, Harls.”  Harley shook her head.

“She says you aren’t real.  She says she put me in a fantasy world in my head.  That’s why you were giving me Rohypnol through an I.V.”  Joker put his thumb and forefinger to the bridge of his nose.

“Rohynol?  Try Morphine.”  Joker settled his cool hand against Harley’s cheek.  “Will you come with me so we can x-ray your hand?  And stop killing my men.”  Harley numbly followed him back into the room and into the other room he and Frost had disappeared into earlier.

 _Give in to the dream_.  Enchantress whispered.

“Not a dream.” Harley murmured with conviction. “This is real.”


	38. Pride

Her hand was broken in three places, her radius was fractured, and her shoulder had been dislocated.  In all, she had managed to bang herself up astonishingly well.  Joker stared at the x-rays while a team of privatized doctors worked on an unconscious Harley in the next room.  A week or two with her arm in a sling would fix the shoulder.  Eight weeks in a cast for the hand and wrist.

She had really managed to drive a wrench into his plans.  Joker never sent Harley into the field when she was injured regardless of how she acquired those injuries.  It didn’t put out the right image.  Besides, though he would never admit this out loud, he couldn’t stand the idea of a vulnerable Harley being in a potentially dangerous situation.  Best to keep her under the long arm of his protection.  Especially after Belle Reve.

Joker dropped himself into the uncomfortable office chair belonging to Simon.  Joker massaged his temple as he ruminated on the new inconveniences Harley had thrown in his lap.  Not only had she managed to incapacitate herself, she had also nearly killed one of his underbosses.  Joker was the only one that decided when a worker’s expendability outweighed their usefulness.

Luckily enough, with her arm completely fucked and her brain addled by the drugs, Harley had managed to miss the important bits.  Simon was in a hospital room on the other end of Gotham getting his neck fixed and was expected to make a full recovery.  Kyle would temporarily fill in for Simon in the weeks following.  An unexpected blessing in disguise.  He had been in the midst of replacing Simon with Kyle anyhow.  The next few weeks would serve as a dry-run of sorts.

Joker found himself standing in the doorway of Harley’s recovery room.  He leaned his shoulder against the door jam and crossed his arms over his chest as he stared at her.  Her left arm had a bulky cast covering her middle, ring, and pinky fingers on her hand and stretching all the way up to just over her elbow.  A sling held her arm in place over her chest.  She was sleeping soundly and Joker followed the tube attached to her right arm up to the bag of liquids.  A steady stream of morphine was pouring into her to keep her unconscious.

He stuck his tongue in his cheek as he considered her.  Despite her injuries, he was proud of her.  She hadn’t backed down after having nearly tearing her arm off.  She was prepared to keep going.  A valuable mindset when in the field.  Nobody save the Joker would hesitate to use her injuries against her.  Sometimes including the Joker.

“Boss?”  Frost called out to him effectively snapping him from his thoughts.  Joker frowned and looked over to Frost standing beside him in the hallway.  He had been careful to stand just out of arms reach in case he ruffled Joker’s ire.

“What do you want?”  Joker demanded.  Frost swallowed and cleared his throat.  He knew Joker probably didn’t realize the way his mood shifted when Harley was injured even when he was the one that hurt her.  He became significantly more irritable which was saying something based on how irritable he was on a daily basis.  Frost had learned long ago to tread carefully around him when Harley was hurting.

“The runners are waiting with the dough.  We need you to sign off on the numbers.”  Frost held his breath.  Joker looked back at Harley still sleeping soundly with the help of the painkiller cocktail being dumped into her bloodstream. 

Joker nodded slowly and pushed himself off the wall and took a step toward Frost who took a step back at the same time.  Joker ignored him and set off down the corridor toward the backroom dedicated to counting and bundling the drug money.

* * *

 

Harley cracked her eyes open.  Lights spun above her like an electric tornado.  A loud buzzing was ringing in her ears to match.  She watched, mesmerized, as the spinning lights slowed and transformed into light bulbs hanging from a grey ceiling.  Harley frowned and started to push herself up when she realized one of her arms was bound.  She stared down at the offending appendage in confusion.  It was wrapped in a cast and bound to her chest with a sling.

 _Did Mista J get angry at me again?_   She wondered.  Her head was so fuzzy she couldn’t what she might have said to him that would incite his wrath.

A woman Harley vaguely recognized entered the room with a tray of medical equipment and a medical chart.  The woman was focused on reading whatever the chart said as she set the tray on a stand in the corner of the room.

“Who’re you?”  Harley asked.  Her voice was raspy and her throat was dry.  Harley cleared her throat and used her right hand to massage the soreness away.  The nurse jumped in surprise and turned to face her with wide brown eyes.

“You aren’t supposed to be awake!”  She cried.  Harley rolled her head around on her shoulders and winced as she stretched her left shoulder.  The nurse moved to her right side and grabbed the fluid bag attached to her I.V.  Harley’s arm shot out and she wrapped her fingers around the nurse’s throat and slammed her head down onto the bed.

“Where am I?”  Harley demanded.  The nurse began crying.  Her whole body trembled like a leaf in the dead of winter.

“One of the Joker’s drug warehouses.  He brought you here to get fixed up.”  Harley considered this information before putting pressure on the nurse’s throat again.

“Where is he now?”  She growled.  The nurse whimpered and choked beneath her.

“I don’t know!”  She gasped.  Harley loosened her grip on the woman’s throat and let her stand up.

“Get this out of me.”  She ordered holding out her right arm.  The nurse hesitantly touched Harley’s arm and worked the needle out of her vein with trembling fingers.  Once it was out, Harley gripped the nurse’s shoulder.  “Help me up.”  The nurse slid her arm around Harley’s back and helped pull her out of the bed so that she was standing.

“M-miss Quinn?  It really isn’t advised that you walk around yet.”  Harley gave the nurse a withering look and she fell silent.

Harley took a few experimental steps toward the door until she was confident that walking wouldn’t be a problem.  Or at least, not a problem she couldn’t handle.  She leaned her right shoulder against the door jam and took a breath.  Her head was spinning and she squeezed her eyes shut until the earth stopped spinning.

She worked her way down the hall.  As she went, she noticed the minions gawking at her.  She suddenly became self-conscious of how she looked.  Bruised, she was certain of, but how badly she didn’t know.

The sound of Joker’s voice turned her down a short hallway with just one door at the end.  She grabbed the doorknob in her right hand and pushed it open slowly.  The room grew quiet and still as the door creaked open inch by inch until Joker’s heavily tattooed and bejeweled hand gripped the wood and yanked it open.

Harley stumbled forward as the doorknob was pulled from her grasp and grunted in pain as she caught herself with her left shoulder on the door jam.  She opened her eyes to the end of a gun staring back at her.  Harley looked down the barrel and met Joker’s eyes.  A storm of emotions brewed in their ice blue depths.

“What are you doing?”  He growled.  The posse of mobsters behind him stowed their guns quietly.  Harley righted herself and tried to subtly massage her sore shoulder.  Joker narrowed his eyes at the act.  Harley dropped her hand.

“Tryin’ ta find the exit?”  Harley lied.  Joker shoved his gun into his holster and grabbed Harley by a fistful of her hair.  He used it to steer her back down the hallway.  Once she was out of sight, Joker turned back to the mobsters in the room.

“Who said you could stop?  Get movin’!”  He snapped at them before pushing Harley back down the hallway to her room.  Harley planted her feet and stopped.  Joker snarled and quickly hefted her up into his arms without hesitation and continued into the room.

“Stop, J!  I don’t wanna stay in this stinkin’ bed!”  Harley protested.  She squirmed in his arms and he instinctually tightened his grip, pressing on her left arm.  Harley yelped in pain and fought harder to get away.  Joker dropped her abruptly on the bed fighting the urge to wince in sympathy as she landed on her bad arm.  She lay face down on the bed and became eerily still.

Joker gripped her right shoulder tenderly and turned her carefully onto her back.  She kept her face hidden in the pillows and Joker cupped her face and urged her to look at him.  He swallowed at her quiet tears.  Her make-up was smeared in colorful streaks around her face giving her a ghoulish appearance.  Still, Joker thought she was the most beautiful creature he’d ever seen.

“Why can’t I just stay at home?”  She whimpered.  She was trying her best not to let on how badly she was hurting.  Joker sat beside her on the bed and took up a new I.V.  Harley edged away from him, but he caught her arm in his hand and held it steady as he slid the needle into her vein.

“I have work I need to finish up here.  When I’m done, I will come get you and take you home to rest.  For now you stay here.”  Harley watched him hang a bag on the I.V. pole before shaking out a couple pills from a bottle on the end table.

“Why don’t you have Jonny do it instead?”  She asked.  Joker stood and pulled a bottle of water from a mini-fridge setting on the counter.

“Why can’t you just shut up and do as you’re told?”  He grumbled.  He handed Harley the pills before opening the water bottle and handing it to her.  “Take them and get some rest.”  Harley stared at the pills in her hand.  “Harley.”  Joker whispered the warning.  She looked up at him and wordlessly tossed the handful of pills in her mouth and swallowed them down with a mouthful of water.

“Promise we’ll go home when I wake up?”  Harley pressed.  Joker reached down and smoothed her hair back from her face.

“We’ll go home when I’m finished here.”  He assured her.  He watched her eyelids slip lower though she fought the drowsiness.

“Bud and Lou are waiting.  We can’t…we can’t leave them….”  Joker nodded, his hand still stroking her hair softly.  “They’re prolly already hungry.   …Need to…feed…babies.”  Joker waited until she was sleeping soundly.  He tucked a thick blanket around her before walking out of the room and putting her out of his mind as he went back to work. 

* * *

 

Harley woke to the familiar lights of their bedroom.  Bud and Lou had stationed themselves at her feet and hadn’t moved for hours.  Harley wondered again at Joker’s whereabouts.  Her question was answered as she heard his light snoring beside her.  Harley wondered what time it was.

She reached over to him with her good hand and brushed a rogue green strand from his forehead.  He sighed contentedly at her light touch and shifted closer to her.  Bud growled in irritation as Joker’s knees knocked against his butt and pushed him out of the way.

Harley’s hand left Joker to pat Bud on the head.  The hyena lifted his large head and looked at her.  Harley used her hand to command him off the bed.  Bud flattened his ears, but did as he was ordered.  Lou followed his big brother without question and the two curled together on the floor.

Joker’s head rested on Harley’s chest and she trailed her hand up and down his back leisurely.  He slid his arm under Harley’s back and held her closer planting small kiss on her chest and slowly moving his lips up her neck.  Harley smiled and arched her neck to give him better access.  His fingers played a delicate melody across her exposed belly as his lips reached hers.

“Are you disappointed in me, Puddin’?”  Harley asked carefully between kisses.  Joker continued kissing her, his hands easing her tight shorts down her legs.

“Why would I be?”  He asked, his lips never leaving her skin.  Harley toyed with his hair at the base of his neck.

“Because I got myself hurt.  In training no less.”  Joker paused.  He pulled himself up so he was balanced above Harley and looking her in the eye.

“You were ready to keep fighting even with your injury.  Something I have always told you is necessary.”  Harley gave a weak smile, but uncertainty wrestled in her head.  “I’m not disappointed in you, Sweetums.”  Joker reassured her.

“Are you sure?”  Harley looked down at the bulky, white cast that encumbered her left arm.  Joker followed her gaze.

“I’m sure.  If I feel anything about it, it’s pride.”  He admitted.  Harley scrunched up her eyes.

“Proud that you won?”  She clarified.  Joker dropped his head onto her chest in exasperation.

“Proud that you didn’t use injury as a way out of the fight and prepared to continue sparring.”  Joker corrected.  Harley stared up at him in shock.

“You were proud of _me_?”  She uttered.  Her words were little more than a whisper as she processed the information.  It wasn’t often that Joker admitted positive opinions in her skill set.

“Yes.”  He pressed his lips firmly against hers and she melted against him.  His fingers delved into her damp folds and she moaned against his mouth.  Joker pulled back and rested his forehead against hers.  “Let me show you just how proud I am.” 


	39. I Need You

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Idk, guys, I think I'm just feeling all fluffy and romantic lately.... Oh well...

“Where are you going?”  Harley jumped in surprise and turned around to give Joker a sheepish smile.  Joker crossed his arms over his chest and pursed his lips.  Harley groaned and flung Bud and Lou’s leashes on the ground before stomping back into the bedroom dramatically.  Joker rolled his eyes.

“You there,” Joker said gesturing to a henchman in the den, “go walk the hyenas.”  The henchman jumped up from his chair and carefully approached Bud and Lou.  Joker turned back into his office and shut the door careful to leave it open just a crack.

A few minutes past before he heard Harley’s cautious footsteps tiptoeing past his door.  Joker didn’t move or look up from his desk.

“Don’t even think about it, Harley.”  Joker called as his pen moved across a map of Gotham.  He heard Harley huff in irritation and obediently stomp back into the apartment.  A few seconds later he heard the double beat of Netflix starting up in the living room.

A few hours later, Joker emerged from his office and walked into the now quiet living room.  He picked the remote up off the coffee table and shut the television off.  Setting it back down, he turned to Harley on the couch.  Rage, fear, annoyance, and a few other choice emotions brewed in his stomach as he realized the couch was empty.  He tramped into the bedroom to check, but it was as empty as he expected it to be.

“HARLEY!”  He bellowed.  He knew she was long gone and couldn’t possibly hear him.  He screamed anyway.  The henchmen all leapt from their seats in the den and were standing still waiting for him to either shout orders at them or try to kill them.  Either way, they were prepared to bolt.

Joker eyed the room.  Nobody said a word.  Joker pulled back his top lip to bare his metal teeth.  The blood drained from their faces, but knew better than to try to leave before Joker decided what he wanted with them.  Joker’s chest began to rumble in irritation.

“What are you all doing just standing here?”  He asked, his words picking up speed as he spoke.  “Go FIND HER!”  He screamed.  The men bounded into actions, tripping over themselves and each other in a mad dash for the door.  Joker pressed his fingers into his eyes trying to ignore the sense of panic that arouse in him every time he didn’t know where she was.

Of course he knew she was more than likely fine.  She was more than capable of defending herself from the few gutsy bastards looking to prove something by trying to take on the Joker’s girl.  He never used to get this itchy when she went out.  Now it was a constant issue.  And he knew why.

He had had to live without her for more than a year.  And he had not coped well.  Even his murder sprees, while chaotic on his part, didn’t hold up as well as his usual gags.  Fighting the Bat while she was away became less of a game and more of release for all the anger and loneliness he was bursting with every second that Harley was in Belle Reve.

He stormed into the living room and pulled the television from the wall.  It was heavier than Joker had thought so he forewent his original plan to throw it down the stairwell and dropped it on the living room floor.  It shattered with a satisfying crash.  The lights in the apartment flickered and a loud electrical buzz filled the room.  Joker looked behind him at the wall just in time to see that he had forgotten to unplug the television before the lights blinked off with a pop.  Leaving Joker alone in the pitch black of the windowless apartment.

* * *

 

Harley whimpered pathetically as Selina worked a saw blade back and forth over Harley’s cast.  Joker and his payroll doctors had insisted that she leave it on for another week, but she couldn’t stand the cumbersome object impeding her movement and sex life.  Selina stopped for a bit and wiped the plaster dust from the trench she had made.

“Is it over?”  Harley asked.  She refused to watch the removal in the event that her inexperienced enlisted help unwittingly sawed off more than she was meant to.

“No.  Pretty sure you’ll know when I’m finished.”  Selina grumbled.  She wiped her forehead with the back of her hand before setting back to work on cutting through the cast.  Harley returned to whimpering and Selina groaned.  Ivy echoed the sentiment.

“Harley, would you shut up?”  Ivy barked from across the room where she was feeding her plants.  Harley glared at Ivy.

“Have some compassion, Red!”  She argued.  “I’m wounded.”  Ivy rolled her eyes.

“I thought the point of you removing the cast was because you _weren’t_ wounded anymore.”  She retorted.  Harley frowned and glanced down at her arm.

“Well, it’s still in the cast for right now.”  Selina gave a great grunt and there was a loud crunch followed by a crack.  She set the saw blade down and used her hands to pry the plaster apart the rest of the way.  Harley slipped her arm from the rubble and held it up victoriously.

“We did it!”  She squealed.  Selina grabbed her arm and held it under her scrutinizing stare.  Harley wiggled her fingers experimentally and bit her cheek at the twinge of pain that accompanied the motion.

“Congratulations.”  Ivy said dryly.  She picked up her watering can and left the room.  Selina tossed the blade across the room and into an open trunk.  She dropped onto the couch and stretched before relaxing.  Harley dumped herself onto the couch beside Selina, her head on the cushion and legs over the back of the couch.

“What’s new with you, Kitty Cat?”  Harley asked.  Selina rubbed the back of her neck and sighed.

“Nothing at all.”  She replied coolly.  Harley twisted her body on the couch so that her head was almost on Selina’s lap.

“You ever figure out the deal with the new baby bat?”  She pestered.  Selina nodded.  Harley grinned.  “Is he a midget?”  She asked excitedly.  Selina looked down in confusion.

“What?”

“Is he a midget?”  Selina opened her mouth and closed it again.  “Ya know, ‘cause B-man don’t usually take his babies out ‘til they’re a bit bigger.”

“He’s not a midget.  Don’t you go messing with him either.  Got it?”  Selina warned.  Harley nodded.

“So you an’ Batsy are a thing again then?”  Selina pulled back.

“What would make you say that?”  Harley grinned.

“It’s all over ya!  You’re, like, glowin’ or somethin’.”  Selina itched his neck with her long, black nails.

“I told you.  I don’t want to be his damsel in distress.”  She scowled.  “Worse, I don’t want him to be my ‘knight in shining armor’.”  Harley frowned.

“It doesn’t make you happy to know that he’s willing to drop everything and rush to your aide?”  Harley asked.  She smiled at some distant memory.  “I’m sure he knows how capable you are of taking care of yourself, but he cares about ya so much he’s willing ta go that extra mile ta make sure you come back to him every night.”  Selina listened to her, knowing she was talking about Joker.

“I don’t want some guy to think he _owns_ me like that.”  Harley’s eyes fluttered shut and a soft smile relaxed on her face. 

“It’s nice to know that you belong to someone.  Even better to know that someone belongs to you right back.”  Harley opened one eye and looked up at Selina.

“I don’t know if you’ve noticed, but I tend to get myself into my fair share of crazy situations.  It’s a comfortin’ thought ta know that no matter what happens my Puddin’s got my back.”  She bit her bottom lip and a haunted look overtook her otherwise peaceful features.  “Even if it takes him a while to get there.”  Selina nodded and considered her rocky relationship with Bruce.

“Harley!”  Ivy screamed.  She reentered the room in obvious distress.  Harley flipped herself backwards off the couch and regarded Ivy who wasn’t alone.  Selina stood quickly and pulled her cat-o-nine-tails from her belt loop.

“Puddin’?”  Harley said.  Her eyes widened.  “Puddin’!”  She backed away toward the windows.  “I just wanted to come see my friends, J.  You been keepin’ me cooped up in that damn hidey hole for almost two whole months!”  Harley explained.  Ivy glared at Harley from Joker’s grip.  He had her arm wrenched behind her back and another hand was twisted in her hair.

“You’re in no shape to be in public.”  Joker announced.  His eyes fell to her left arm now free of its cast.  “What did you do?”  He growled.  Harley rubbed her arm.

“I know what the doctors said, but I couldn’t take it anymore.”  Harley set her finger between her teeth and bit down.

“Why do you never do what you’re told?”  Harley glanced over at Selina who was waiting for an opening.  Joker was keeping an eye on her in his peripherals.  Harley wondered how to disengage the situation.

“I did what I was told for almost two whole months….”  Joker bared his teeth at her and she flinched.

“Oh!”  She exclaimed.  She reached into her bra and retrieved her phone.  Everyone scrunched their faces up at her actions and waited.  Her fingers flew over the keys before she smiled and shoved her phone back into her bra.  Two seconds ticked by and Joker’s phone gave out a low chirp indicating a message.

Joker stuck his tongue in his cheek.  He shoved Ivy forward, releasing her.  She moved across the room to stand by her plants and watched him pull his phone from his pocket and open whatever message Harley had sent him.

Harley smiled triumphantly as he stared at the contents of her message.  He licked his lips and looked up at Harley with hungry eyes.  She looked away, feigning innocence.  Joker rolled his eyes.

“Let’s go.”  He commanded.  Harley frowned.

“Why can’t I stay here for a bit?”  She argued.  “You know where I am.  You know I’m not getting into trouble.  My arms not even in a cast anymore!”  Joker growled.

“Let’s.  Go.”  Harley frowned.

“If you make me leave-”

“Harley!”  Joker roared.  Selina and Ivy jumped in surprise and fear.  “Cut the bullshit.  Get your butt out that door or this will be your last visit with your friends.”  Harley stamped her foot.

“J!”  She whined.  Joker grabbed her arm in his hand and flung her over his shoulder before she could spit out her next argument.  Selina started to protest his rough treatment of her, but thought better of it.  She and Ivy watched helplessly as Joker hauled Harley out the door and tossed her into a car waiting in the dirt lot.

They pulled into another similar lot twenty minutes later.  Twenty unusually quiet minutes.  Harley hadn’t moved, looked at, or spoken to Joker since he tossed her over his shoulder.  Joker pulled her from the car and led her up the back stairs into a new apartment.  Harley didn’t seem to notice they were in a new hideout.  One complete with windows.  Joker pushed her into the living room and shut and locked the door behind them.

“You know the silent treatment won’t work on me.”  Joker announced.  Harley moved further into the room away from him.  Joker slammed his fist into the dry wall beside the door.  Harley didn’t seem to have noticed.  “Goddammit, Harley.  Why do you insist on being such a goddamn pain in the ass?”  Harley spun on her heel.

“ _Me_!?  You can’t even let me have one fucking night to myself with just my friends!  What the hell is wrong with you lately, huh?  You never used ta have a problem with me hangin’ out wit’ Ivy every now an’ again.  You spend all your time hunched over all yer nefarious plans on the destruction of Gotham an’ all I wanna do is have a little company while you do!”  Harley was panting.

“What do you think I got you the hyenas for?”  He yelled back.  Harley scoffed.

“Newsflash; hyenas can’t talk back!”  Joker slammed his fist into the dry wall again.

“Like you need someone to talk back to you!  You never shut up long enough for anyone else to get a word in edgewise anyhow!”  Harley huffed.

“Why the hell does it matter where I go or what I do when you’re working?  You never want me around when you do!  I can do things by myself.  I don’t need a chaperone all the time!”  Joker brought his hand down sharply on her cheek.

“You do if I say you.”  Harley shoved him away.  He took a step back.

“Why do you say I do?  Why is it suddenly so important to you ta keep tabs on my whereabouts?  Since when do you even _care_?”

“SINCE I LOST YOU!”  He balled the front of Harley’s shirt up in his fist and shoved her back against the wall.  “Since I spent a year trying to find you.”  Harley’s mouth fell open as his words fell into her ears.  “Since I drank myself into a stupor every day and every night for three hundred and sixty-four days straight.”  He leaned his forehead against her chest.  “Since the thought that maybe you hadn’t been captured or locked away by anybody and had actually just decided to run out on me wandered into my mind and wouldn’t leave.”  The words were falling out of Joker’s mouth like vomit and he couldn’t seem to stop them.  “I don’t want to do that again.  I need you.”  His words were softer now.  Barely audible.  “I need you.”

Harley slowly brought her hands up to hold him to her.  He released her shirt and wrapped his arms around her slim waist.  They stood there for what seemed to be an eternity.  Finally, Harley spoke.

“Where are we?”  Joker lifted his head from her and looked around them.

“Hideout number…three?”  Harley nodded.

“And why are we here?”  Joker looked around the room deliberately not meeting Harley’s eyes.

“There was an issue with the wiring back at Amusement Mile.  Frost should have it fixed in a day or two.”

“Oh.”  Joker walked over to the kitchen and pulled a frozen pizza out of the freezer.  Harley followed him and sat at the small dining table set up in the small space.  Joker pulled out a pizza pan and pulled the plastic off the pizza.  “Where are the babies?”  Joker pointed to one of the doors while he slid the pizza into the oven.

“They’re fine.  They’ve been walked and they’ve eaten.”  Harley nodded.

“Two days?”  Joker nodded again pressing a few buttons on the microwave to set the timer.

“Two days.”  Harley looked at the oven.

“How long until the food’s ready?”  Joker glanced at the microwave timer.

“Twenty-five minutes.  Give or take.”  Harley nodded thoughtfully.

“We could probably get five in in that time.”  She mused.  Joker eyed her across the table.

“Five?”  He asked.  She smiled coyly at him and bit her lip.

“Only if you feel up to it.”  Joker grinned.

“You better not make me burn the fucking pizza.”  He warned.  Even so, he was pulling Harley’s face up to meet his and settling them onto the floor.

“Well, we had better get a move on then.  Huh, Puddin’?”


	40. Breaking and Entering

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know it's been a while since my last update, guys, I'm sorry. On the other hand, I won Nanowrimo this year so it was worth it in my book! (Haha get it?) Anyway, here's everybody's favorite clowns back to eff the ess up. Enjoy!

This was it.  This was what had made Harleen Quinzel throw her entire life away for.  The energy.  The excitement.  The exhilaration.  She bounced excitedly in the passenger seat of Joker’s new purple and green Ferrari.  She had her mallet on the floor between her feet and the handle resting comfortably in her hands.

Joker took a hard left and Harley squealed in delight.  It had been too long since she had been involved in a B&E.  Stealing from the science and technologies division of Wayne Tech was probably the most thrilling thing that had happened to her outside of the bedroom in months.  Joker parked the car up the block from the Wayne Tech entrance and climbed out.

Harley hurried down the sidewalk to catch up with him as the black van holding the rest of their goon squad parked and followed suit.  Joker looked like he had just rolled out of bed.  He was wearing a pair of flannel pajama bottoms and his favorite purple coat over his bare chest displaying his many tattoos.

Harley had dressed up for the affair as she usually did.  She went with her usual battle gear.  Fishnet tights under a pair of blue and red hot pants.  A white t-shirt with the words ‘Little Devil’ scrawled across it in black.  Her hair was done up in pigtails and her make-up was smudged around the eyes giving her a cartoonish appearance.

The front door was locked of course, but that was expected.  Harley leaned her shoulder against Joker’s as Frost moved forward and placed a small explosive over the lock and stepped back to detonate.  Sirens blared the second the door fell open.  Joker watched his goons charge the building and wove himself into the fray.  Harley stumbled a bit when he disappeared from her side.  She caught herself and followed the last of the goons inside.

Bullets were flying and Harley felt a large grin pull itself over her face.  Her eyes went wide with bloodlust.  She hefted her mallet over her head and smashed it against a charging guards head.  He shouted and crumpled and Harley moved on to the next unfortunate payroll schmuck that thought he could get the drop on her.

They were here for Wayne Tech’s electromagnetic pulse machine.  It was larger and more powerful than any other EMP.  Where most EMPs could knock out the electronics in a building, Wayne Tech’s could knock an entire city off the grid.  It was kept so far under wraps that only a select few trust employees knew about it, but Joker had men everywhere.  Once he heard about it, he wanted it.

Harley made her way through the chaos expertly.  She anticipated its movements and wove through it as though dancing with it.  Joker was nowhere to be seen.  Harley sighed and settled her mallet on her shoulders.  Frost had disappeared, too.

A guard screamed behind her announcing his attack.  Harley rolled her eyes and turned, dropping to a crouch and swinging her mallet in the same moment.  The guard groaned as her mallet made contact with his ribs.  She heard a delightful crunch and grinned wickedly.  She stood back up and lifted her mallet over her head to smash it back down on the guard’s head when something hit her hand hard enough to make her drop her mallet.

She snarled and whipped her head around to see who had done it.  A dark figure was crouched over one of the goons dressed like a cartoon Batman who was lying unconscious beneath the figure’s knee.  Jet black hair was hanging over the man’s masked face.  It took Harley a minute to recognize him.

“Ain’t you s’pposed ta be in Bludhaven?”  She demanded.  The man stood up and the low lights lit his chest enough to display the blue stripe that ran across in, pointing down toward his belly.  It was meant to be a bird, she knew, but it looked nothing like one.  She wondered who did his costume design.

“I go where I’m needed.”  He growled.  Harley noticed Joker reemerge from a back room and draw his gun.  Harley frowned at the man.

“What if you’re needed in Hell?”  She asked.  “Will you go to Hell?”

“Only if you and your psychotic boyfriend go first.”  Joker fired his weapon just as Nightwing turned and threw a modified batarang back at him.  Harley charged while his back was turned, but he caught her before she could make a move.

Frost passed the EMP off to a low level goon who made for the exit while Frost and Joker both took on Nightwing.  Harley managed to get the bottoms of her feet onto Nightwing’s chest and kicked him off of her.  Joker pulled his cane from up his sleeve and used it to knock Nightwing’s legs out from under him.

“Oh, if only I had my crowbar!”  Joker teased.  Harley giggled at his dark joke and stared down at the outnumbered hero.  He glared up at Joker with a lovely mixture of rage and grief.  Harley picked up her mallet and held it over his head ready to strike.

Joker turned and started for the door.  Harley growled and swung back.

“Harley!  Let’s go!  We got what we came for.”  Harley yipped with distaste.  She settled her mallet back on her shoulder and followed Joker back out the front door.

The tires squealed as Joker peeled back onto the street and raced away from the scene of their crime.  Harley turned around in her seat and watched the building out the back window.  The swooping figure of the Bat glided down to the entrance followed by his newest annoying brat sidekick.

“Oh, look, Pud’, we just missed Batsy!”  Joker looked into the rearview mirror and frowned.

“And we got stuck with the sidekick.”  He shook his head and focused on driving them back to Amusement Mile.

* * *

 

“First that freeze ray guy and now the clowns again?  What the hell kind of place is Gotham anyway?”  Damian demanded as they surveyed the scene at Wayne Tech headquarters.  Bruce didn’t respond.  A few of his guards were still alive, but just barely.  The sirens should have brought a GCPD response squad and EMTs, but the front of the building was quiet.

He called Commissioner Gordon.

“Batman?”  Gordon answered on the first ring.

“There’s been a break-in at Wayne Technologies’ Headquarters.  Sirens went off, but no first responders showed up.  We have wounded in need of immediate medical care.”  Batman reported.  Gordon snapped something unintelligible at someone.

“Apparently the call didn’t connect to our servers.  We’ll contact Wayne Enterprises and get a lowdown on the situation.  I’ve dispatched EMTs to your location.  Any idea what the thieves were after?”

“I haven’t done a full sweep, yet.  I wanted to make sure these men got help before I continued my investigation.”

“Can’t argue with that.  Let me know when you find something.”  Batman hung up.  He surveyed the scene before he realized that Damian had disappeared.  Bruce rolled his head back and looked up at the ceiling sighing heavily.  Seconds later, he heard shouting and the sounds of a fight.

“I’ve never seen _or_ heard of anyone like you!”  Damian shouted.  Bruce rounded the corner to where the elevators were and saw Damian fighting a familiar black clad figure.

“Yeah, well you’re wearing _my_ old outfit!”  Bruce’s chest tightened with excitement.  He frowned at the skirmish.  Nightwing knocked the staff out of Damian’s hand and Damian leapt up to kick him in the face.  Nightwing grabbed Damian’s ankle and swung him across the room slightly harder than necessary.  Damian hit the wall and fell to the floor.  Nightwing winced and hurried over to Damian.

“Sorry!  I thought you were going to catch yourself.”  He apologized.  Bruce fought back a smile.  Good ol’ Dick.  Damian grabbed his staff that he had landed on and swung it at Nightwing who dodged it easily.

“Robin!”  Batman scolded.  Damian and Nightwing both turned to look at him.  Nightwing, he suspected out of habit.  He smiled easily at Batman and ruffled the back of his black hair.

“Getting slow in your old age, Bats!”  He greeted.  Batman grunted.  Nightwing imitated him before grinning again.

“Who did this?”  He asked.  Nightwing’s smile fell from his face.

“Who else?  Joker and Company.”  He snarled at the floor.  “I was on my way to see you when I heard the sirens.  I thought I could handle it, but there were too many of them.” 

“You’re lucky you got out alive.”  They both fell silent.

“Uh, hello!  Is _anybody_ going to fill me in?”  Damian demanded.  They both ignored him.

“What did they take?”  Nightwing shrugged.

“Sort of looked like an EMP.  I don’t know why they’d go through all the trouble for it.  They could have gotten one at a less reputable technology company much easier.  Everyone knows Wayne Enterprises has the highest security.”  Batman sighed inwardly.

“It was a prototype EMP.  One Lucius had been working on for a rainy day.  Much more powerful than your garden variety EMP.  Strong enough to shut down every electronic in Gotham City.  Almost enough to take Bludhaven down with it.”

“Why the hell would you even build something like that?”  Nightwing demanded.  Batman glared at him.

“I _said_ it was for a rainy day.  The real question is how Joker even found out about it.”  The sound of the medics arriving made Batman retreat to the lobby.  Gordon was looking around the scene.  He stopped when he saw Batman.

“What’s the word?”  He asked.

“Joker and Harley Quinn stole a super EMP Wayne’s company was working on in private.  We’re still not sure what it is he intends to do with it, but we can assume it’s nothing good.”  Gordon grunted.

“Sounds like it’s time to have a word with Bruce Wayne.”  Batman watched a pair of EMTs take one of the survivors out on a gurney.

“Why don’t you let us talk to Wayne, Commissioner?”  Nightwing asked.  Gordon was surprised to see him there.

“Thought you were hanging out in Bludhaven these days.”  Nightwing laughed.

“Funny.  Quinn said the same thing when she saw me.”  Gordon shook his head.

“Whatever the reason, I’m glad for your help.”  The three vigilantes took their leave.

“What are you doing back in Gotham, Dick?”   Bruce asked once they were back in the safety of the Batcave.  Dick chuckled nervously.  His cheeks turned red and he couldn’t meet Bruce’s eyes.  “Dick?”

“So, who is the kid, Bruce?”  He asked, avoiding the question.  Bruce decided to let it go.  He knew Dick would tell him when heh was ready.

“My son.”  Dick let out a short laugh.

“Yeah?  Where’d you pick up this one?  Not another carnival, right?”  He joked.  Bruce stared at Dick evenly.

“No.  He is actually my son.”  Dick frowned.

“With who?  I think I would’ve heard about a pregnant cat burglar running around somewhere.”  Bruce blushed.  He rubbed the back of his neck.

“No.  It was Talia.”  There was a beat of silence.

“Al Ghul?!”  Bruce winced.

“I was drugged.”  Dick dropped himself into one of the chairs and put his head in his hands.

“I don’t wanna be related to the League of Assassins.”  He whined.  “Not even through adoption.”

“Talia al Ghul died a few months back.”  Bruce told him.  Dick looked up.

“So we’re stuck with him?”  Dick seemed surprised at his own words.  He shook his head.  “I didn’t mean that.  He’s just….”

“A handful.”  Bruce finished.  Dick nodded.

“And he’s too cocksure.  He’s clearly been trained to fight, but he doesn’t think things through.”  Bruce smiled and nodded.

“Don’t I know it.”  The elevator doors opened and Selina came bounding out.

“GRAYSON!”  She squealed!  Dick’s eyes widened in surprise and flung his arms wide to catch her.

“SELINA!?”  Dick hugged her tightly.

“I’ve missed you so much!  What are you doing back here?”  Selina asked.

“What are _you_ doing here at all?”  Dick replied.  “Last I heard, you and Bruce were in the fight to end all fights.”  Selina laughed and pushed at his chest playfully.

“Things change.  Tell me your news!  You wouldn’t have come all this way for nothing.”  Bruce watched them with amusement.  Selina jumped up and sat on one of the tables and gave Dick her undivided attention.  Dick looked uncomfortably between the two.

“It’s…uh… I have a sort of announcement, but I wanted to wait so I could tell everybody at once.  I didn’t really anticipate a fight the seconds I got to town.  Thought I would have more time to really… prepare.”  Selina and Bruce exchanged a concerned look.

“Should I-we be worried?”  Bruce asked.  Dick threw up his hands and shook his head.

“No, no, no!  Really.  It’s…uh…good news.  I hope.”  Selina pushed herself off the table and set her hand on his shoulder.

“Don’t worry about it.  Tell us when you’re ready.”  She comforted.  Dick gave her an appreciative smile.  “Come say hello to Alfred.  He’s been trying to calm down Bruce’s hell spawn for, like, an hour.”  Bruce rolled his eyes, but concern for Alfred had him following his girlfriend and son into the elevator and up to the main house.

 


	41. Fighting Fire

Harley yawned and opened her eyes.  Her head was killing her.  She took stock of her surroundings and tried to figure out what was different.  Other than the water raining down on her from the shower spigot, of course.  She pulled herself upright and turned off the water.  She blew the water from her lips and hunted for a clean towel.   _How long was I in the tub?_

**_Is the better question not_ why _you were in the tub at all?_**

_That answer is pretty obvious.  I was sleep fighting Mista J again, duh doy._

**_You aren’t concerned that this is the first time in months that it’s happened?_ **

_I’m concerned about the whereabouts of my Puddin’._ Harley found a towel and dried off while making her way back into the bedroom and into her closet.

**_Way to look at the big picture…_ **

_Stick it in yer ear, Harleen._   Harley slid on a pair of tight black pants and a red leather bralette.

**_I’d tell ya ta go screw yourself, but you probably would._ **

_And I’d enjoy it._ She combed out her wet hair before traipsing out of the bedroom and into the living room.  Frost was tending to Joker and Harley’s stomach flipped.  She wondered what she had managed to do to him this time.

“-she had it under control.  Killing Griggs was supposed to have worked.  Snapped her out of it, you know.”  Frost said nothing in response, just kept wrapping Joker’s arm with gauze.  Harley stepped around the scene, carefully and at a safe distance.  Joker looked up at her and she tried to make sense of his expression.

“Sorry, Pud’.  I dunno what happened.”  Harley started to explain.  Joker lifted his wounded arm from Frost’s worrying hands and waved her off.  She snapped her mouth shut and stood quietly while Frost taped the bandage down.  Frost packed the first aid kit and returned it to the cabinet.

“We’re putting my plan into action tonight, Harley.  I need you to bring your A game.”  He stood and walked towards the elevator.  Frost met him halfway with a long sleeved shirt and his purple jacket.  Joker called the elevator and began shrugging his shirt onto his bare torso.  Harley winced as she noted the bruises on his back.

“Where do ya want me?”  She asked, ignoring the pitiable feeling she had curling in her stomach.  Joker stepped into the elevator and looked back at her.

“You’ll know what to do when you get there.”  He told her as the doors shut between them.

**_He is definitely pissed off_**. 

_Shut up_.  Harley returned to the bedroom and donned her shoulder holster, bracelets, watches, Joker’s Girl choker, and a face full of clown make-up.  Things Harley liked to refer to as her battle armor.  On her way out the door, she grabbed her heavy baseball bat and a couple laughing gas grenades from Joker’s arsenal.  She didn’t know what it was he had prepared, so she was ready for anything.  She whistled for Bud and Lou who came bounding after her into the elevator.

Harley stuck her bat through the straps on her holster and straddled her motorcycle.  The garage was empty and all of the black goon vans had vanished.  She was either late or about to be.  She cranked the engine and squealed out of the garage and down the tunnel at top speed.  Bud and Lou howled and cackled behind her, but she knew they would catch up. 

She maneuvered around the streets of Gotham expertly until she saw what Joker was talking about.  She slowed down and surveilled the scene before her.  A few minutes later, Bud and Lou came panting to a stop beside her.  They lay down and sighed while Harley planned her move.

The Hotel Querida was one of the ritziest places in Gotham.  Someone had gone through a lot of trouble to knock out the lights on the brightly lit sign so that the only two letters remaining were H and Q.  Harley considered stopping her bike in front of the hotel and walking in, but she was solo for now save the hyenas.  She frowned at the glass encased lobby and looked down at her bike.  It had been a present from Mista J and she had just gotten it back. 

Her phone buzzed in her back pocket and Harley pulled it out to read the text.

 

PUDDIN

Get ready.  T-minus 5 minutes.

 

POO BEAR

No back up?

 

PUDDIN

They’re waiting on your mark.

Not that you need them.

 

POO BEAR

How ya figure?  There’s at least

twenty guards in there.

 

PUDDIN

And you’ve been holding back in training.

 

POO BEAR

Is this about earlier?

 

PUDDIN

3 minutes.

 

POO BEAR

I’m really sorry, Puddin.

You know I’d never do that on purpose.

 

PUDDIN

Yes you would.

 

POO BEAR

Okay, maybe I would.

But I didn’t do it on purpose this time.

 

PUDDIN

2 minutes.

 

POO BEAR

I love you, J.

Just so you know.

Ya know, in case somethin happens.

 

PUDDIN

If you’re gonna do something.

Do it now.

 

Harley revved her motorcycle engine and charged the hotel lobby’s windows.  She ducked her head and squeezed her eyes shut as the glass shattered and rained down around her.  The bike fell to the side and Harley jumped up just in time to save her leg getting smashed underneath. She stood and shook the glass from her pigtails and smiled at the alarmed patrons. Bud and Lou barreled through the hole she had made and stood beside her snarling.

“Heya, guys and gals!”  She greeted.  A security guard on her left went for his weapon and Harley drew hers and fired at him in half a second.  She smiled at her horrified hostages.  “You should all know by now, that I expect no funny business unless it’s from me or Mista J.”  She tsked.

Behind her a slew of armed Joker goons filed on and held the hostages at gun point.  Harley worked her way around the toppled furniture to make sure no one was hiding or trying to be a hero.

“My Puddin’ has somethin’ special planned for you all, so just be good and wait for it.”  She told them.  “And just to make sure everything is EXTRA fun, we’re gonna do this with the lights…” A henchman dressed like a penguin handed her a pair of special night vision goggles.  She strapped them on and flicked the switch on the side so she could see.  “Off.”  She finished.  The power cut out at that exact moment and Harley giggled at the gasps and terrified faces of the hostages.

Harley listened with glee as cars collided with each other and screams could be heard echoing from everywhere in the city.  Harley frowned at her surroundings.  There was no way Joker’s plot was going to work encased in the lobby.  She turned to her henchman.

“Take everyone up to the roof.  If they try anything funny, shoot ‘em.”  She ordered of a group of goons.  The hurried to their task and Harley turned to her remaining goons.  “Search the rooms.  Make sure everyone is on the roof.”

Harley and the hyenas followed slowly, keeping an eye on her prisoners.  They were mostly obedient.  After killing that first guard, no one seemed inclined to try taking her on or escaping.  They were all somewhat… hopeless.

The air on the rooftop was much colder than the street.  Harley wished she had grabbed a jacket.  She gritted her teeth and refused to let the cold bother her.  In the end, there were over a hundred hostages huddled on the roof.  Two had been snatched out of the shower and were wearing even less than she was.  One of them had shampoo still in their hair.

Harley stared out across the black sea of Gotham.  Without electricity, the whole city disappeared in the moonless night.  The only indication that Gotham was anything more than a pitch black smudge on the landscape, were the screams of fear and pain that were echoing in the streets.

Harley was waiting, but it was hard.  She was getting bored fast.  She hopped up on an air conditioning unit at knocked her bat back and forth between her feet.  She stared at her hostages through her goggles and played with the features.  She switched between thermal and night vision for a while before even that bored her.  Bud and Lou circled the hostages lazily.  Even they were bored.

A henchman dressed as a circus clown complete with a big, red nose walked over to her and handed her a Bluetooth earpiece.  Harley pursed her lips at it before accepting it and sticking it in her ear.

“Are you on the roof?”  Joker hissed.  Harley smiled.

“Yup!  We sure are!”  She answered gleefully.  Joker sighed.

“Good.  At least you can do _something_ on your own.”  Harley huffed.

“I could do lots of things on my own, Puddin’.  I just prefer to do them with you.”  Joker was quiet for a long time and Harley wondered if he was angry.

“Ten.  Put ten of them on the ledge.”  Harley let out an exasperated breath and snapped her fingers at a couple of the henchmen.

“Put those guys up on the ledge.”  She ordered, gesturing to a group of hostages.  The henchmen grabbed two at a time and hauled them up onto the ledge.  The screamed in terror as Harley figured any sane person would looking down at a fifteen story drop.  One of the last hostages was making things difficult.  Harley groaned and jumped off her makeshift seat.

She grabbed the hostage, a young boy with blonde hair.  Harley kicked his legs out from under him and held her gun under his chin.  He whimpered beneath her.  His whole body shook like a leaf in the wind.  _Pathetic_.

“Listen, buddy, you can either go _on_ the ledge or _over_ it!”  She growled.  The boy shook his head.

“N-no!”  He stammered.  Harley caught him around the throat with her other hand and squeezed.

“I didn’t give you a third option.”  The boy gagged beneath her and kicked his feet desperately in an attempt to get away.

“Let him go.”  Harley looked up and found Nightwing crouched on the ledge helping her hostages down.  Harley frowned at him.

“Why d’ya gotta keep showin’ up and causin’ problems fer me?”  She demanded.  Nightwing bounced down from the ledge and pulled out his bow staff.  He smiled at her and Harley knew he had night vision in his mask.

“I wouldn’t be a very good hero if I let you just kill all these innocent civilians now, would I?”  He retorted.  Harley smiled.

“You ain’t a hero, Bird Brain.  Yer just a two-bit sidekick.”  Nightwing feigned a wince.

“Oof.  That hurts.  That really hurts.  You know, I’ve been doing my own solo thing for a couple years now.  Don’t I get any credit for that?”  Harley stood up off the blonde kid and picked her bat up.

“Ya might.  If you were in yer own city!”  She jumped over the air conditioner and swung her bat at his knees.  Nightwing jumped up to avoid the hit and swung back at her with his bow staff.  Harley turned and caught the staff with her bat and pushed back.

“I’m here on business.  Not my fault you clowns decided wreak havoc while I was here.”  Harley fired her gun at him and he barely managed to redirect her aim.  While he was focused on the gun, Harley kicked him in the head and caused him to stumble.  He turned and swung at her with his bow staff, but Harley back flipped away.

“Yer a native!  Don’tcha know we wreak havoc all day every day?”  Nightwing ducked and her bat grazed his chest.  Bud and Lou chomped down on his legs and he cried out in pain.  Harley laughed.  He stumbled and landed on his back on the ledge.  Harley grinned and grabbed his feet, ready to push him off.

“This was supposed to be a nice vacation!”  He shouted over the wind.  Harley pushed him out a little farther and he tried to twist away.

“Well now you get to take a real nice vacation.  Forever!”  She told him.  Something hot and bright hit her hands and Harley shouted in pain.  She looked around for the source and saw a woman…flying?  Her hands were glowing and the light was messing with the goggles.

“You will leave him alone.”  The woman ordered.  Harley snarled at the bright, floating woman.  Nightwing sat up and looked over at the woman in relief and a bit of fear.  Harley grabbed her bat, locked eyes with the woman, and smashed Nightwing in the chest.

He tumbled off the edge of the building with a terrible grunt.  The woman gasped and dove down the side of the building.  Harley leaned down and watched her catch Nightwing in her arms.  He grinned at her and shrugged as if to say, ‘It wasn’t _my_ fault I got pushed off a building.’

The glowing woman flew them both up to the rooftop and Harley back away from the ledge.  She drew her gun and aimed it at the glowing woman.  Her henchmen flanked her on either side.

“What are you?”  Harley demanded.  “You ain’t a witch are ya?  ‘Cause I’ve dealt with witches before.”

“I am no witch.”  The glowing woman confirmed.  “I am Starfire of Tamaran and you would do well to lay down your arms and surrender now.”  Harley squinted up at her.

“So…you’re what?  Superman’s sister?”  Starfire didn’t seem to appreciate the comparison.  Her hands glowed brightly.  Too brightly for Harley’s goggles to handle.  Harley ripped them off her head just in time for the star bolt to strike her in the chest.  Bud and Lou yipped and cackled frantically.  Starfire was flying out of reach of them and their teeth.

She fell back and all the air whooshed out of her lungs.  Bud and Lou licked at her face and she reopened her eyes.  Bright green star bolts fired above her head and she was vaguely aware of someone lifting her up.  She was back in the stairwell of the hotel and a goon dressed like a shark was shouting at her.  Harley stood and blinked several times trying to reorient herself.

“We need to move!”  Shark shouted.  Bud and Lou were at her heels as they raced down the stairs.  Shark led them into the hotel’s underground garage and shoved her into a black van.  Bud and Lou curled around her and licked her hands and face.  She groaned and rubbed her chest where the star bolt had struck her.  There was a large, red burn blistering there.

“Mista J ain’t gonna be happy.”  She groaned before unconsciousness rose up like the tide and consumed her with darkness.

 


	42. Returning the Favor

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Harley has to find the Joker.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I didn't forget about this WIP I promise. I just get distracted and writing is hard. There isn't a whole lot of H&J in this one since it is dealing with the aftermath of the last chapter and setting up the next one. Enjoy anyway!

Harley woke up at home.  The clock beside her blinked lazily giving her no real idea of the time.  She sat up and pulled her shirt off to display her singed chest.  A large, ugly boil filled with fluid rose up under her reddened skin.  She grimaced and swore vengeance for her soured looks.  That fire-haired bitch had it coming.  With, Alien, Goddess it didn't matter what they called themselves they did not scare Harley.  She stood and looked around the room.  No Joker.

Now she was afraid.

Whenever the Joker fought Batman Harley worried.  How could she not?  Batman was a vicious, self-righteous brute who made it known that he had nothing better to do than to beat her Puddin' to a pulp.  Now, Harley was wounded and Joker was nowhere to be seen.  The only explanation Harley could work out was that Batman had managed to get a drop on the Joker and tossed him into Arkham.  Or worse.  The memory of Belle Reve and the thought of Joker being exposed to that was like ice in her veins.  Magic wielding do-gooders didn't worry her in the slightest, but the possibility of going days, weeks, or months without her Puddin'?  Jason Voorhees couldn't scare her half as badly.

"Frost?"  Harley screamed out into the apartment.  It was quiet.  Empty.  Harley stomped into the elevator and slammed the button for the henchmen's quarters.  The floor was humming with gossip.  Joker's cronies whispered to each other regarding the events from last night.  Nothing useful.  Most of the clowns had been with her at the hotel.  The ones that weren't were badly injured and in no condition to talk.  "Frost!"  Harley screamed above the rabble.  The floor grew silent and still.  All eyes turned to Harley.

"Frost ain't back yet."  A goon croaked.  Harley bit the inside of her lower lip.

"What about my babies?"  She demanded.  "Where are they?"  The goon shrugged.  "Somebody had  _better_ tell me where my babies are.  Right.  Now."  She barked.

"Downstairs, ma'am!  They're in the garage!"  Harley was fuming.

"The garage?"  She repeated.  "And who the hell's bright idea was it to leave my precious babies in the dark, cold garage all alone all night?"  The henchmen ducked their heads and backed away from her.

"Listen!"  Someone screamed from a room down the hallway.  He careened out the door holding a police walkie in the air.  "Cops say they got the boss man headed to Blackgate from Mercy General."  Harley gritted her teeth.  The henchman all looked at one another whispering about what to do next.

"WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU GOONS DOING SITTIN' AROUND FER?"  Harley screeched.  "GO BUST 'IM OUT!"  The able bodied henchmen leapt into action and began scurrying around in search of guns, costumes, and ammo.  Harley looked down at herself.  She was still in her bra and shorts from last night.  She decided to take the stairs back up to the penthouse and grab a shirt and artillery.  She met her ragtag crew in the garage.  Bud and Lou circled them hungrily.  She whistled to them and they loped over to her happily.

"I know you babies are probably super duper hungry, huh?"  She cooed to them.  "How does a nice, bloody policeman sound?"  She pet their heads and jumped into the back of one of the big, black vans.  They squealed out of the garage at an alarming pace and headed towards Blackgate Prison with a fleet of vans.   _Hold on, Puddin', your Poo-Bear's comin' fer ya._

* * *

 

 _"_ Ow!"  Dick winced at the sound of his adopted father's screams.  Selina rolled her eyes as she finished patching him up.  His own wounds weren't so severe.  His legs had deep gashes from Harley Quinn's hyenas and his shoulder had been dislocated, but other than that he boasted only a smattering of bruises.  Bruce was not so fortunate.  Joker had managed to get in a few stabs in the soft spots in his armor and while none of them were fatal, he would be in no condition to move around freely for several days.

"Quit being such a baby."  Selina snapped.  It made Dick smile. 

"Master Dick, there is a young woman at the door asking for you."  Alfred announced entering the room.  Dick turned away from the loving couple and nodded to Alfred.  He made his way down stairs to the foyer and had just started descending when he heard the familiar and comforting voice.

"I am a friend of Dick's.  Who are you?"  

"I am Bruce Wayne's son."  Dick's heart sank into his gut.

"Oh, a brother!"  Kor'i cried out excitedly.  "He did not mention such a small brother.  Are you new?"  

"Excuse me?  I could kill you with my bare hands in about a hundred different ways.  I am the heir to the demon's head and the cowl of Batman.  You will regard me with unmitigated respect." 

"Demon's Head?"  Dick vaulted over the banister.  "I believe the next Batman is to be my beloved.  What gives you claim?"  

"I am his son!  The rightful heir, you ignorant harpy!"  

"You are a very rude boy."  Kor'i's eyes were glowing green with anger when Dick entered the room panting.

"Kor'i!  What are you doing here?  I thought we agreed I would come and get you later."  Kor'i and Damien turned to Dick.

"This boy is your brother?"  She accused.  Dick grimaced.

"If it makes a difference, I just found out about it like a week ago."  Kor'i sighed and flew across the room to him.  Damien's eyes boggled at the sight.

"How are your injuries?  Have you been mended?"  She touched Dick's face softly pulling his attention to her.  He gave her an easy smile.

"Yeah, Alfred is great with a needle.  Far nicer than Selina anyway."  He joked.  Kor'i narrowed her eyes at the name.

"Who is this Selina?"  Dick chuckled softly to himself and shook his head.  She was so cute when she was jealous.  He took her hand and led her back into the house and up the stairs.

"I will introduce you."  He glanced back over his shoulder and saw Damian trying to follow nonchalantly.  Alfred met them on the stairs with a bowl of disinfectant and bloodied rags.  "Alfred, this is Kor'iander of Tamaran. She goes by Kor'i or Starfire whichever is your preference."

"Miss Kor'i, it is always a delight to meet Master Dick's friends."  Kor'i smiled back politely and tucked a strand of fire red hair behind her ear shyly.

"Very nice to meet you, Alfred."  Dick continued up the stairs with Kor'i in tow.

"Master Dick," Alfred called out.  Dick stopped and turned back to look at the butler.  "It would be wise to knock before opening any doors."  Dick felt a flush bloom in his neck and gave a tight nod back.

"Bruce?"  Dick called, banging on the door to the study.  He listened to frantic movement within the room and tried not to think about what was happening within the confines of the study.

"Just give me a second, Dick."  Bruce yelled.  A few seconds later the door opened and Selina grinned at the group that had formed in the hallway.

"Heya, Grayson.  Who's your friend?"  She asked.  Dick led Kor'i into the room.  Bruce was reclined on the couch with his dress shirt stretched over his wounded torso.  He had propped himself up with four thick pillows.  He smiled at his guests when they entered.

"This is Kor'iander of Tamaran."  Selina nodded and dumped herself into one of the plush armchairs.

"And what does this Kor'iander of Tamaran need help with?"  Selina asked easily.

"I require no help."  Kor'i declared.  Selina arched a brow at the curious woman.

"It is very nice to meet you, Miss Kor'iander."  Bruce greeted.  He held out his hand to shake hers.  Kor'i stared at him for a few moments before remembering her Earth manners and shaking his hand.  "What is it we can do for you?"  Dick scratched his head just behind his ear and tried to remember any bit of the speech he had been preparing for the past week and a half.

"Dick has not told you?" Kor'i asked.  Bruce's brow furrowed and he turned his eyes to his son.

"I...uh...I asked Kor'i to...um... marry me?"  He winced at how pathetic that sounded.  Why did he say it like it was a question?  Was he asking Bruce for permission?  Selina didn't give him much time to dwell.  She let out a high pitched squeal and leapt from her armchair to fling her arms around Dick excitedly.

"Congratulations!"  She screeched.  She looked over at Kor'i before snatching her into the hug as well.  Dick chuckled and returned the hug.  After a few minutes, Selina released them and stood in front of them beaming.  Dick glanced over to Bruce who hadn't moved.  His face was stoic.  Impassive.  Dick couldn't decide if he was disappointed or not.  Selina had started chattering with Kor'i about the entire history of their relationship which Kor'i seemed only too happy to provide.  Dick disengaged from the chatter to sit on the coffee table beside Bruce.

"Are you upset?"  He asked.  Bruce wrinkled his forehead and shook his head.

"No, Dick, of course not.  I'm happy for you."  Dick chuckled.

"If you're so happy for me then why do you sound like you did that time I nearly blew up the chem lab in high school?"  Bruce laughed at the memory.

"It just seems like you didn't want to tell me and I can't help but feel that that is because of the way I must have raised you."  Dick shook his head bewildered.

"No!  I put off telling you because I was embarrassed myself.  Not about Kor'i, but about... about marriage in general.  I never gave a whole lot of thought to marriage, you know.  Now it just feels... strange.  Embarrassing.  It's a bit less so when I'm with her."  Dick looked over his shoulder at the girls.  Damien had taken up a perch in the corner of the room and was watching the interactions with no small amount of irritation.

"I think I know what you mean."  Bruce murmured.  His eyes were focused on Selina.  The door opened and Alfred hurried inside.  "Alfred!"  Bruce crowed.  "Have you heard Dick's news?  He is going to be married."  Alfred stopped and looked at Dick startled.

"I had not heard.  My felicitations, Master Dick."  Dick smiled back and thanked him.  Alfred seemed off put.  Everyone noticed.

"Alfred?"  Bruce said.  "Is everything alright?"  Alfred picked up the television remote and turned on the news. 

"No, Master Bruce.  Everything is not alright."  The screen read, Joker Escapes Again.  CCTV footage showed three black vans blocking in the prisoner transfer truck and a horde of Joker's crew killing the transport team before loading an unconscious Joker into one of the vans and driving away.

"That is the woman that threw you from a building last night is it not?"  Kor'i asked.  

"Harley Quinn."  Bruce growled.

"The Joker's girlfriend or fiancee or wife or... something."  Dick told her.  Kor'i nodded.

"We need to get to work."

**Author's Note:**

> This was meant to be a flashfic, but then it spiraled and sort of took on a life of its own and now I have this mess. Sorry. =/


End file.
